Title: Confusion
Penname: weirdnotboring
Disclaimer: Characters and settings are not mine.
Genre: Angst/Romance
Summary/Teaser: Remus wonders about Love on the day of Graduation. 'But was love more like - "ARRGH!"'
A/N: I wrote this during my Lily/Remus phase for a competition a while ago, and just found it again today, and decided I liked it. Beware, it's rather deep. I'm not exactly sure where most of it came from ...
What was love? He wondered, as he walked down the deserted hall. Was it in her face when she smiled, or did it resonate across the room as she laughed?
Was it more like a feeling? A little bit of hope and nausea mixed together? Something you couldn't see - but you could feel every second you suffered from it?
Or is it more like, well, rather like dropping a bowling ball off the Astronomy Tower like they did during Muggle Studies in 5th year? A little rocky at first, as it hit little snags in the rock, but then a direct hundred-mile plunge till the bottom where a deep resounding "BOOM!" awaited? And, if love is really like that, why is it so appealing? Why do humans, muggles, witches, and wizards alike, spend so much time searching for it? Why would anyone spend so much time searching for something so dangerous?
His mum had always said that love was what kept people alive - kept them wanting, searching and hoping. Love was what brought muggles and wizarding folk together, what they all had in common. They were all on the same quest with the same holy grail at the end.
But was love more like -
"ARRGH!"
"Oh, sorry! Sorry! I'm terribly sorry. Are you all right?" Remus apologised profusely to the person he had accidentally bumped into. "I'm so sorry."
"Remus Lupin, stop apologising already and help me up. You should have seen me there, you big lug," Lily Evans said, sitting on the floor, big smile on her face.
Remus laughed as he helped her up. "What are you still doing here? Shouldn't you be in a flat with James somewhere?"
Lily laughed. "First of all, the Graduation Ceremony only ended 10 minutes ago, prat. And second of all, you should know better than anyone, well, maybe except Sirius, that James and I aren't living together," she smiled. "Yet."
"Speaking of James," Remus said, changing the topic. "Where is he?"
"Playing some prank with Sirius, I imagine." Lily smiled and then said in a softer tone with a hand on the side of her mouth, "I pretend not to know, but I really do. Don't tell James. He likes to think he can still keep secrets from me." Lily laughed.
Remus smiled and nodded. "Your secret is safe with me."
"So what are you doing here, all alone, in an abandoned hallway, hmm?" Lily asked, poking him in the shoulder.
"I could ask you the same question." Remus poked her back.
"I was going to find you," Lily said, poking him twice.
"Did you miss me?" Remus asked, smiling. "I was only gone for 10 minutes, Lily. What are you going to do for the rest of your life?" Three pokes.
"I don't know!" Lily said, dramatically, putting a hand to her forehead. "I think I may have to kidnap you and lock you in my closet." Five pokes.
Seven pokes. Remus' eye twinkled. "But what will James say!"
"Oh you!" Lily exclaimed. She began tickling him in all of his weak spots, leading him, in turn, to tickle her back. Somehow, several giggles and "ARRGH!"s later, they wound up on the floor, Lily half on top of Remus.
They were suddenly aware how close they were to each other. Legs lay across legs, arms splayed everywhere, noses inches away from each other, bodies up against bodies.
"Remus?" Lily whispered, eyes meeting eyes.
"Mmm?" Remus whispered softly.
"I've always kinda wondered how this would feel."
"And?" He breathed.
"I don't know, I just ..." Lily flicked her eyes to his mouth for a moment before bringing her mouth to meet his.
Minutes, hours, days later, it seemed, they broke apart. It was forever since they were talking, but not long enough at the same time. Remus felt jumbled and twisted and broken and whole all at the same time. He glanced at Lily, before bringing in his lips to meet hers once more.
She was cold and hot and happy and full and sad and empty all at the same time. She felt completed, but not. It was so fast, but yet so slow. She felt as though she could jump up to the sky forever, and yet lay there down dead at the same time. She was happy, she was sad, she was full, she was empty, she was just so confused. All she could think was that she needed more. How could he end this? How could she ever end this?
She was insane, she must be. She was going mental. Kissing James was never like this. Kissing James was safe, secure, and yet somewhat amazing, and fantastic. She never felt such confusion when she was with James.
She wanted it to stop, but she wanted it to never end at the same time.
There was something satisfying about this confusion, but ... She pulled off.
"Remus," she breathed.
"Lily." He replied, smiling slightly. His hair was mussed - she remembered running her hands through it sometime duringthe chaos.
"Oh God, Remus." She said, bringing a hand up to flatten her hair down to what it looked like before. "Merlin, we can't tell James."
Remus laughed, "No, we can't tell James."
"It's not funny, Remus! He-"
"Lily," Remus interrupted. "I understand. No telling James."
"But, I mean, we can't keep doing this, but ... Oh God, Remus. We're idiots. We're all idiots." Lily brought a hand up to her forehead and rubbed it, hoping to soothe the steadily progressing headache.
"It was just a mistake," Remus said, trying to think logically and calm her down at the same time. "It won't happen again."
"Right," Lily repeated. "It can't happen again. No, I mean, it won't happen again. We can't let it."
"We won't have to worry about it," Remus said, suddenly looking sombre. "I'm working for Dumbledore, now, and he wants me to spy on the werewolves. I won't be in Great Britain again for months."
"But, Remus!" Lily exclaimed.
"Stop it, Lily. I agreed already."
"We're all idiots," Lily whispered, more to herself than to Remus. She rubbed her forehead again before saying louder, "We should get back."
"Yeah," Remus agreed. "I bet they're worried about us by now. How long has it been, anyway?"
"I don't know," Lily confessed. "A half hour?"
"Probably," Remus agreed.
In the awkward silence that followed, Lily rubbed her forehead a bit more before dropping her hand. "Shall we go?" She asked, smiling at him.
Remus marvelled at how quickly they returned back to normal. Or maybe, he thought, they were only masters at pretending things were normal. "You go on ahead," he said, "I have to do something."
"Promise you'll come back?" Lily asked.
"I pinkie swear." Remus grinned. "Cross my heart and hope to die."
"All right," Lily said. "See you around, Remus. We'll all miss you."
Remus watched her walk all the way down the hall, and then turn at the end before walking off himself. He stuck a hand in one of his pockets and felt the portkey Dumbledore lent him. "Five, four, three, two, one." He whispered, before feeling the familiar pull at his navel.
Love was more like a mix of all of them. A hodgepodge of everything that he ever knew, ever believed in. It was the pull at his navel, the sound of her footsteps, the confusion, the hope of tomorrow. It was anything and everything, but nothing at all. It was contradictions. It was impossible, yet happening all over the world iat the same time. It was what kept him alive, Remus thought, and he wasn't ready to die yet.