Snape (high, girly voice): Oh Professor, Professor, you are so beautiful! You are the most . . ..
Harry: Snapie!!!!!! What cha doin my fwend?
Harry sways drunkenly, and Snape stares
Hermione: Oh no Ron! Harry got away! He'll terrify the first years! He'll set a bad example for the prefects!!! Noooooo!!!! He'll miss history of magic!!!!!!!!!AHHHHHHH!!!!!
Hermione goes into a mental breakdown and runs around screaming and pulling her hair . . . .Ron stares horrified
Ron: Well, in times like these, there's only one thing to do . . .. TAKE THE MAGIC MARSHMELLOWS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ron eats the magic marshmallows and runs drooling over to Snape and Harry.
Ron: How ares yous my fine fewwows?
Snape (still in a really, REALLY high voice): Potter, Wesley, if I hadn't just inhaled helium, I would be very mad.
Harry: Why? (Blinks innocently and sways)
Snape: You have interrupted me in a moment of self-beautification. If I don't re-beautify myself, my greasy hair might explode!!!! Hey wait, does my hair look any bigger to you? Huh? HUH?!!!!
Snape's voice rises to a panicked scream and he shakes Ron really hard by the shoulders
Ron: I wuv you Snapie pooooh.
Hugs Snape while Snape turns purpleHarry: Pooooh? Wheres Pooh bearw? Where is HE!!!!
Snape: Hep me! Gargle, gargle, gargle . . .
Over by Hermione
Hermione: AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! HARRY AND RON HAVE SKIPPED CLASS!!!!!!!!!!! NOOOOOOO!!!!!! Oh dear what shall ve dooz man?
Hermione worryingly fidgets with her hands.
Hermione: they skipped class, they skipped class, have to punish them, MUST punish them. . .what to do, what to do. . .
Back over by Harry, Snape and Ron.
Snape: Weasley. Your. Squashing. Me. . . argggg!
Ron: What Snapie Pooooh? Don't you like me?
Ron's lower lip trembles and his eyes tear up
Harry stares off into oblivion, humming mindlessly
Hermione sneaks behind them all holding a lead pipe.
Hermione: You skipped class! (Tears pour down her face) How, COULD you!?
Ron: Shmose we are very Zen people, and Histowee of mawgic be boring, yup.
Snape (Still in an extremely high voice): Normally I would agree with miss Granger here, but right now I was wondering if I could have a magic marshmallow?
Harry: Weel. . .alrighty ho then. . . .(Hands Snape a marshmallow.) I dooo wish our dear PHYSCO author would insert another character . . .
Snape: Wa-wa-wa-wa-HOOOOOO!!! The buzz! Ooooo . . .pretty colours!
Snape stares at blank air and smiles dazedly
Hermione (tearing her hair out): Professor! The students! Think of the poor innocent people who will be scarred by simply reading of your greasy demeanour being tainted by drugged and general highness! WILL SOMBODY THINK OF THE CHILDREN?!!!!!
A huge teddy bear walks over and takes out a packet of smokes.
Teddy: Sup my brothas?!!!
Hermione: Huh?
Harry: Wassat? Teddy?
Ron: I wuv you Snapie, I weally, WEALLY WUV you!!!!
Snape: Weasle. Are. You. GAY???!!!!! Whassafu . . .?
Everybody stares at the Teddy bear that's smoking.
The Teddy adjusts his rings. (Wait, teddies don't have fingers, do they?)
Hermione: ARRRGGGG!!!!! I cant take it anymore. The nutty Professors, and NOW there's a Teddy Bear smoking in my presence!!!!! NOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!! Gargle gargle gargle . . .
Harry: Hmmm!? Teddy? TEDDY BEAWR! CUM GIVE DADDY A HUGGIE!!!!!
Teddy: ARRRGGGG!!!!!
Teddy runs away screaming and cursing the poor author for putting him in this crazy fic in the first place. (The poor, innocent author sobs in the face of his meanness)
Ron: I still wuv you Snapie pie!!!! What is it Snapie Pooooh? You're all blue!!! Snapie!? SNAPIE?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ron attempts to give Snape artificial resuscitation (attempts being the operative word here)
Snape becomes so blue he turns purple.
Ron gets no air into Snape, probably 'cause he is still giving him a bear hug.
Snape's face gets covered in Ron's spit.
Teddy (Back from running away from Harry (Harry is tied to a nearby tree)): THIS could get interesting my fellow viewers . . . run while you still can!!
Snape's head lolls to one side and his lips go the same colour as his face.
Ron: Snapie? SNAPIE?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SOMEBODY HELP MEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!
Dumbledore: I'm sorry mr Weasley, it appears our potions master is . . .dead.
Ron: What the . . .how . . .? When did you get here? Oooohhh . . .your robe is pweedy!
Dumbledore: Seeing as there are no sane people in this fic at the moment, and the teddy is not known well enough, the author decided to exercise her right to munt up and generally distort reality and put me in here to tell you that your highly regarded Potions master is dead and you should probably let go of him now . . .
Ron: Huh?
Dumbledore: Get your hands off poor Snape's waist!!!! He's dead!!!!
And with that, Dumbledore disappears in a cloud of lemon scented, violet coloured smoke.
Ron (the magic marshmallows beginning to wear off): Hey look! Hawee! Snapie Pooooh FINALLY died!!!!!!
Harry: Bleh . . .Gargle, gargle, splah . . .
Ron: Her-my-own-ninny, pwetty, pwetty pwease get pour Hawee downsies!!
Hermione: Arrrrgggg!!!!!!!!!! THE SHAME, THE SHAME OF IT ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ron: Oooookkaaayyyyy
Harry: Me no wanna die mommy . . .me no WANNA!!!
Teddy: Mwahahahahaha!!!!! I have taken over this poor, pathetic, rather cuddly creatures body and now, I shall kill you all with my insane and generally crazy laugh!!!!!!!!!!
Hermione: ARGGGGG, INSANE TEDDY ON THE LOOSE! INSANE TEDDY ON THE LOOSE!!!!
Ron: Who arez youz? And how can a laugh kill somebody?
Ron unties Harry
Teddy/Voldemort: I am Lord Voldemort of course!!!! Mwahahahahaha! Now, prepare to DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Harry: He. Hehe. Hehehehehe
Voldemort lurches sideways
Voldemort: WHAT is so funny? Mwahahahahaha!!!?
Harry: Hehehehe. Hehehehehehehehehehehehe. You, hehehehe, are, hehehehehe
Voldemort falls to the ground and his arm drops off. Because this is meant to be a PG fic, for some strange reason, no blood comes out of his arm (A/N: Think when Van Helsing cut off Mr Hyde's arm at the start of the movie)
Voldemort: A laugh to the death then, is it? Fine. Mwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha, (Insert HUGE gasp of air sounds) hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
Voldemort: Okay I think I've made my point now . . .does anyone have a cough drop?
Harry: Now, Its my turn . . . (Insert Dum Dum DUM music of your choice) He. Hehe. Hehehe. Heheheheh. Hehehehehehehe. Hehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe. . . .Cough cough
Harry: Oh god! I see what you mean . . .water, need water!!!!
Harry runs over to the pond that just happens to be right next to him, and jumps in, drinking huge amounts of lake water which the evil author knows is where the contents of Moaning Myrtles toilet ends up . . .Author laughs evilly.
Voldemort lies in the conveniently placed pile of donkey pooh and Hermione laughs while she evilly stomps on the remaining magic marshmallows. Ron screams in anguish at the loss of his precious marshmallows.
Ron: NOOOOO!!!! THE MAGIC MARSHMELLOWS!!!!!!! WHY?! WHY?!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hermione: Marshmallows are bad; they make you set a bad example for the first years. (Hermione's lower lip trembles) What about the CHILDREN?!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hermione YET AGAIN goes into a mental breakdown, this time repeatedly running about like a chicken and jumping into the lake.
Voldemort: My, only, weakness. Evil author, why DONKEY POOH?!!!! Gargle, gargle, gargle . . .
And so, lying in the mud, while his arch nemesis gulps pounds of water mixed with excrement, Lord Voldemort, Tom Riddle the Second, died. May he rest in utter turmoil!!!!
Harry: Mwahahahahaha!!!!!!! I have finally defeated my rival!!!!!!!! I am FREEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Harry does a little happy dance.
Ron: Why did you do it Hermione? The marshmallows, beautiful marshmallows. .
Ron goes off to make a grave for his beloved squashed marshmallows.
Hermione: So many people had to die today. . .wait. I don't care about Voldie or Snape!!!! What was I thinking!? Damn you stupid author, bad dialogue, dumb script.
Author momentarily beams Dumbledore in
Dumbledore: The author wants me to tell you that she controls this universe and if she wanted, she could have you trampled to death by a raging heard of lamas.
Dumbledore vanishes.
Hermione: Ah screw you! You know this fic is about to end.
Author: Dammit
Snape and Voldie mysteriously arise from the dead, Ron returns from his morning, Harry stops doing the moonwalk and Hermione shuts up long enough to get in line with the rest of them.
Everyone: Thank you whoever you are! And . . .GoodNIGHT!!!!!
A/N: Thank you all for reading my insane and generally weird nonsense fic. This IS a one shot so don't go and ask me to update in your reviews. . .you are going to review, aren't you?
Now. Review. Review. REVIEW!!!! Goddammit!!! Why aren't you reviewing?!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm watching you. . .always watching you. . .move you mouse that tiny amount of about three inches and click that little purple button. . .
Thank you ladies and gentlemen! And goodnight.
Merry Christmas!