Remus felt something was wrong.
The fine hairs at the back of his neck were sticking straight up, his natural wolf instincts were practically clawing his own human mind to come out and go figure out what was wrong (he squashed that, of course, because no thank you) and there was just something off, like his 'stupidity senses' were ringing. That was exactly why he was proceeding with caution inside of Grimmauld Place- which you should do anyways, because there were a lot of terrifying things that could potentially kill you (i.e. the lovely Walburga Black screaming from her portrait).
"Sirius?" the twenty year old called hesitantly into the dark house. "You there?" He carefully unshrunk the groceries he had just picked up from the local market and left them by the doorway for Kreacher to put away.
There was a distant call from somewhere far away in the house, and Remus let out a small sigh as he climbed the first staircase to try and figure out where his friend was. "You never make it easy on me, do you?" he muttered, and tried to ignore his wolf that was now practically pacing the imaginary cage he kept it in.
What was wrong?
He opened the door to Sirius's room.
That was what was wrong.
There was Sirius, covered in glitter and whiskers painted on with the old muggle markers Remus had, and a little girl with cat ears, both of whom were looking like they were having the time of their life as Sirius levitated her off the bed.
Sirius noticed him first. "Oh, hey Remmy!"
"Don't call me Remmy." Remus automatically replied, staring bewildered at the scene in front of him. Pink. Glitter. Whiskers. Cat ears. What.
"Sirius, what is this?"
The Black heir smiled charmingly. "Oh, this? This is all the glitter I found leftover from our Hogwarts days. Surprised I still have it eh? Oh, and sorry for using all your mark- mark- mark something or a rather, muggle quills, I don't know, but I needed something to draw the whisker marks on with and ink doesn't work very well."
Remus shook his head. "No, Sirius, that's not what I meant. Why is there a kid here?"
"Oh, Andy fire-called a while ago and said that McKinnon- you remember, Marlene? The hot babe in Lily's dorm?"
Remus cleared his throat and gave a pointed glance towards the little girl. Sirius caught it and quickly backtracked. "Well, anyways, Marlene was caught up in a raid and unfortunately-"
He shot another glance towards the little girl, who was staring at them curiously. Remus wasn't sure how much she could understand, as she couldn't be more than five, but it never hurt to be careful.
"-So Andy fire-called me and asked if I could take care of her."
"So we're just watching her?"
"Uh-huh."
Remus sighed in relief. "Oh good."
"Yeah, it was pretty strange though. Andy had me sign a whole bunch of forms to let her stay here. Pretty weird."
Remus paused. "…Forms? Sirius, where are these forms?"
Sirius motioned towards the desk and started bouncing the little girl on his knee, who giggled and pleaded with him to levitate her some more.
Remus decided that as soon as the little girl was far away he was going to be having a stern talking to with Sirius.
"Sirius. Did you happen to read these forms?"
The black haired man shook his head. "Nahhhhhh, Andy told me they were all good and gave an explanation about what was in them. I mean, that's what I think she was saying. I was a little bit busy trying to keep McKinnon Jr. over here from waking up dear old Mum."
Remus rubbed his temples. "Sirius. Congratulations."
"For what?"
"For becoming a father and reaching an entirely new level of stupidity."
"Thank you."
Remus waited patiently for a few moments until Sirius realized exactly what he had just said.
"Father?!"
"Yes. Father. Sirius, what have I told you about signing forms without reading them?"
"Don't do it, especially if James is the one giving me the forms?"
"Exactly. I'm sure somewhere on that list is a 'don't accidentally adopt a kid' as well."
"Well how was I supposed to know?" Sirius shot back, staring down at his daughter (oh dear lord no he couldn't do that- wait having her could help him pick up some chicks and dudes. Oh my god. Score. Best unknown decision he ever made- because man it had been a while since he was laid.).
"You could actually read what you put your name on and listen to the explanation?"
"You know I don't like to waste my time doing useless things, Moony."
Remus sat down in the chair by the desk and wearily rubbed his eyes. "Which is exactly why I have to force you to bathe, I get it."
Sirius responded by something far less witty, Remus was sure of it, and the werewolf could only stare at the little girl curled up against his idiotic best friend. He smiled at her, although he was sure it came out more like a grimace. "Hello. I'm Remus. What's your name?"
She buried her face closer into Sirius's shirt and the ex-Gryffindor gave Remus a smug look.
"What's your name?" he repeated, and she mumbled a reply. "What was that?"
"Mary."
Remus tried to give himself an impressed look. "Mary is such a beautiful name. I like it."
She smiled but kept herself pressed near Sirius.
"I'm Remus, it's nice to meet you Mary."
"And I'm Sirius. I'm the fun one." Mary giggled, and Remus shot Sirius an annoyed look.
"You're going to be a terrible father. You're the kind of person who will give her no bedtime and sugar all day." Remus told him.
"Yeah, well, I'm her favourite!"
"She's going to die of being spoiled and candy overdose."
"The only way to go."
"You're hopeless." Remus got out of the chair and held out his hand to Mary. "Would you like to go downstairs and get something to eat?"
She hesitated for a moment before nodding and jumping off the bed, grabbing his hand tightly and biting her thumb with the other hand. Remus looked surprised, but led her downstairs to where he could get her a healthy meal prepared by Kreacher. Sirius followed sullenly.
"Oh, so I'm the bad parent?" he complained under his breath. "I'm the one who plays with her and is obviously her favourite parent, Remmy doesn't have to be so grumpy. God he's such a mother-hen."
Sirius paused and then grinned, before calling down the stairs, "Hey, Remmy! Since I'm the dad does that mean you're the mum?"
There was silence. "I have a few choice words for you, Sirius Black, when we're alone."
"Kinky."
Footsteps had started coming up the stairs. "Mary, would you give Sirius and I a few moments please? Just drink your juice."
Fuck.
Sirius so didn't forget it though. He just bided his time, waiting for the opportune moment to spring it on Remus. No way in hell he was going to let this go.
"Alright, Mary, I need you to listen to me." Sirius told his daughter as he held her up to the ceiling.
She giggled, but nodded solemnly. "Yes Dad?"
"I want you to call Remus 'Mummy' from now on. Is that alright?"
She wrinkled her nose, before thinking about it slowly. "Okay."
Sirius beamed. "Alright!"
The father prepared them a light snack as they waited for Remus to come home from his most recent job interview. Sirius amused Mary with shows of lights with his wand and telling her all about his godson. "His name's Harry, he's only a few months old, but he's adorable! I'll have to bring you over sometime, when I clear it with Lily and James. I'm sure they'd love for you to play with him." An idea suddenly popped into his head. "Hey! I can bring over my cousin Dora as well! You guys can have a playdate!"
"Sirius, stop trying to make the Marauders 2.0. It got old five years ago."
Sirius grinned. "Mummy! Welcome home!"
Mary echoed this, jumping off of the couch and hugging Remus's legs shyly, chanting quietly 'Mummy, mummy'.
Remus froze.
"Sirius."
Sirius's grin fell.
(In the end, Mary continued to call Remus 'mummy'. He didn't mind too much; except when Sirius was a dick and called him 'mummy', or 'accidentally' called him that when he was distracted.
"Mummy?" The Black called into Remus's room, while the werewolf was pouring himself into a newspaper article he had to edit.
"Yes, Daddy?" Remus answered, too busy to pay attention to anything but the deadline.
Sirius snorted. "Daddy?"
Mary poked her head in. "Daddy?"
"Mummy needs you all to shut up please, he's working."
"Yes Mummy."
Remus didn't even notice and seemed confused as to why Sirius was always sniggering whenever Mary called him 'Mummy'.)
"Mary, Mummy and I-"
Remus smacked Sirius upside the head. Sirius let out a small 'owww' and glared at his best friend, who just gave him a pointed look and pointed to his wrist. "We're going out, and so Andy will come over to watch you with Dora. Is that alright?"
Her lip quivered for a few moments before she nodded bravely. "Okay."
Sirius rubbed her head. "That's my girl. Be good okay?"
They left quickly after Andy and Tonks arrived (as that was what Dora wished to be called now, Sirius didn't understand but complied) and after Sirius apparated them to the edge of the wards on James and Lily's house, Remus wrung his hands and asked, "Do you think she'll be alright?"
Sirius rolled his eyes. "God, Remus, she'll be fine. She's a big girl. Plus, Andy and Dora are there, they'll ll have a blast. It's a girl's night."
"If you're sure."
Mary knocked on her Daddy's door, but she didn't hear anyone answer. She frowned. That usually didn't happen. She knocked again, as loudly as she could. Nope. There were people inside, she knew that, so why weren't they answering?
She opened the door and peered inside.
Daddy was kissing Mummy.
She giggled.
They broke apart and looked at her.
"Oh- hi, Mary." Her dad scratched the back of his head awkwardly and put some distance between himself and Remus. "I- uhm-"
"Mummy and Daddy are together!" She clapped her hands together happily and smiled up at them.
Remus and Sirius let out a simultaneous 'uhm'. The werewolf's cheeks were flushed slightly and Sirius kept a hold on his neck. "Yeah. We're together."
Mary kept her grin on her face. "Yay! Can we go eat some ice cream to celebrate?"
Sirius still seemed bewildered, so Remus quickly answered, "Sure."
"Yayayayayayayayay!" she grabbed both of their hands and pulled them out the door before they could think.
"So we're together now?"
"Yeah."
"Good."
this is crap and im sorry its late and im done.
First mate of Wolfstar on pirate ship battles forum, go there, with the mandatory prompt 'accidental pregnancy or accidental adoption' and I had a bit of trouble with this but oh well.
I don't own HP.