Once upon a time there was a boy named Matthew. His neighbor, Alfred, had always been his best friend, but one day, Matthew noticed that he'd come to see Alfred in a different way. He noticed more about him; how his dark blonde hair glowed in the sun, that whenever he smiled, it seemed to light up the room, how his laugh was so contagious that one could find themselves crying they were laughing so much. Soon, he noticed Alfred was turning into a ray of sunshine on a particularly cloudy day.
This sudden change scared Matthew. He was afraid that if Alfred ever found out about his sudden change in feelings, he wouldn't want to be best friends anymore, and that thought scared him the most. He didn't want to sacrifice their relationship because of his new found feelings. He didn't even know what the feelings meant in the first place. He was a growing boy, maybe he was just confused. But the way Alfred made his stomach fill with butterflies had him doubting that this was just some phase.
Things started to change between the two, Matthew noticed. Within the next few years they both got taller. Hormones started kicking in and when Alfred came to him crying because he didn't know what was wrong with his "private place" and Matthew was the only one he would even think of asking, he knew that he'd never be able to tell Alfred how he felt. He was too afraid that he'd ruin their friendship with his petty feelings.
Soon enough, Alfred not only grew taller but got bigger. Alfred had muscles now; he grew into his body and filled it up, while Matthew stayed tall and lanky. They were both the same height, but Alfred held himself higher than his friend. Soon enough, Alfred was noticed more than Matthew. Soon enough, it was just "Alfred" or just "Matthew," not "Alfred and Matthew" or "Matthew and Alfred." Their friendship changed, too, Matthew noticed, and now he was afraid he was going to lose his best friend for a completely different reason.
Matthew was noticed less and less; pushed to the side like a background singer as Alfred was in the spotlight singing to his heart's content. He was more popular now than he had ever been before, but Matthew just guessed that was high school. It was a new experience; Alfred just wanted to meet some new people, explore his interests. He would have never guessed that Alfred would start hanging out with his new friends rather than him. Had he become boring? Is that why Alfred never saw him anymore?
Matthew's feelings for Alfred never changed, even if Alfred had found new people to call friends. Sure, they still saw each other. They were next-door neighbors, after all, and it's kind of impossible to ignore someone as rambunctious as Alfred. But it just wasn't the same anymore, and Matthew was sure now more than ever that he'd never tell Alfred that he really did love him because he surely to be branded as a freak.
So he sat on the sidelines, never truly giving up on the small piece of hope that Alfred would forget about his new friends and come back to him. He never gave up on the small piece of him that hoped and wished and willed so hard that Alfred would return his feelings. But he knew that Alfred could never do that. He'd lose his friends; brand himself as a freak, as well, all for Matthew's sake. And all Matthew wanted was for Alfred to be happy. So he never said anything and let him be just that.
Years went by and Matthew made his own new friends. He enjoyed their company, of course, but it just wasn't the same as when he was with Alfred. They both graduated high school as top students and were even accepted to the same college. Alfred had a girlfriend by now and they were quite the item. Sadly, the girl, Alice, was accepted to a university in England, and they both decided that it was better to break it off. Matthew felt his hope replenish, and thought that maybe he'd have a chance now.
But no such luck, it seemed. For as soon as Alfred had set foot on campus, he'd found himself a new girlfriend. Her name was Francine, and she was absolutely gorgeous. Matthew could see why Alfred had taken to her, she was very popular, just like him, and they seemed to have a lot in common. They fit together just like a puzzle piece, it seemed. Matthew felt his heart plummet when he'd found out about Alfred and Francine, and all his hope had vanished.
There was no use trying anymore.
Their college years went by even faster, and soon they found themselves graduating again. Alfred was still with Francine, and they were more in love than ever. Matthew couldn't help but feel jealous. He'd loved Alfred since before high school. Didn't that count for anything? Didn't that make Alfred his? He was his best friend, his hero, his number one. Did that mean nothing? But Matthew could only accept his fate and move on.
Although college had brought Matthew and Alfred close again, Matthew could only congratulate them with a fake smile when Alfred told him that he had proposed to Francine. Just the fact that Alfred had picked her over him was enough to make Matthew sob into his pillow at night when he was trying to sleep. But now he had to live with the fact that he will never ever have a chance with Alfred because he was taken for sure.
At their wedding, Matthew was Alfred's best man. He helped him through all the stresses that weddings bring, listened to all of Alfred's worries and insecurities and reassured him with a smile that everything was going to be just fine. He stood next to him at their wedding, a small smile on his face for he was truly happy to see his best friend so in love. At the reception he gave a speech, danced with Francine, and had a good time, despite the fact that the love of his life would never be his.
While Alfred moved to the city with Francine to better help with his journalism job, Matthew stayed in the small town they grew up in. He found a nice apartment at a cheap price and lived there while he tried to find a job.
A few years of this and one day something changed. It wasn't one of those "change for the better" type of changes, but a drastic change that altered his life forever.
He had suddenly gotten incredibly sick one day, and upon going to the doctor, he had found out that he had a tumor in his brain that was slowly eating away at his life. This was an obvious shock to Matthew. He'd never been that sick when he was younger, but he guessed that these kinds of things just come as they please without any warning. There was nothing he could do, it was a terminal illness and he was going to die no matter what the doctors said.
He was ready to die, or at least, that's what he told himself. He didn't have anything to live for now. Sure, he had his family, he had his friends, his job, and all those other things, but if he was surely going to die now, then what was the point in them? He spent the rest of his days in the hospital as his body slowly turned against him. Many people came to see him, but the one he wanted to see the most never showed.
A few weeks later and Matthew Williams was dead to the world at the ripe age of twenty-eight. His funeral was held a few days later and many people showed. They talked about how this once handsome young boy, just out of college and making his way into a new life, was taken away and never given the chance. They talked about how this poor unsuspecting man did not deserve to die in the least. They talked about how he had never found his one true love, how would never have a family.
When Alfred found out about Matthew's death, he was so surprised he dropped his mug of coffee on the cold linoleum floor of his suburban house. Scolding hot coffee pooled around his feet but he paid it no mind, he dared not to take his eyes away from the letter held in his hand. The letter stated that upon a Mister Matthew Williams' request, Alfred F. Jones should receive this letter upon his death. Alfred hadn't even a clue that Matthew was sick. And now his old friend was dead.
Alfred's hands shook as he clutched the letter tight. His eyes were wide with disbelief and a choking sort of noise left his throat. He had to back up into the counter to keep his balance, his free hand clutching the edge tight. He read the letter slowly, not really taking in what was on it until he caught his breath and started again. He slowly started to regain his breath as he read the words written especially for him.
"Dear Alfred,
I know this may come as a shock to you, it did to me, as well, but if you've received this letter I am most likely buried six feet under now. They told me I didn't really have a chance. I was terminal, you see, so it was just a matter of time before I died. I accepted the fact a while ago, and I guess you could say I was fine with dying. I didn't really have much to live for, really. Nothing was really holding me here.
I'd tried contacting you while I was in the hospital, but you'd been busy and I guess my messages never reached you. That's fine, I guess. You were probably just busy with your family or your job or something. I just kind of hoped to talk to you one last time before I was gone, but I guess we can't all get what we want. I guess I should just get on to the whole point of this letter, then. Here we go.
Ever since I was thirteen years old, I'd loved you like no one else. I know we were best friends, and maybe I was just confused about my feelings at the time. Sure you could blame it on puberty and hormones and all that shit, but considering the fact that these feelings for you never left, I had to come to the fact that I loved you more than just my best friend.
The way you looked when you smiled, the way your laugh brightened up a room, the way you would crack your knuckles when you were nervous, the way you would cry at the end of a Disney movie and then try to hide it (believe me, Alfred, it wasn't that hard to notice), the way you hid under the covers during a thunderstorm, the way you stuck your tongue out between your lips when you were concentrating hard, the way your voice sounded when you sang American Pie to me all those years ago.
I loved all of that and more. I looked at you in a new light, and you were the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. You truly were my ray of sunshine on a cloudy day. But somehow we got split up along the way. You kind of disappeared from my life for a while, and while that was upsetting, I learned to live with it. The only thing I wanted to see more than anything was your smile. So I said nothing and let you be happy with who you chose to be with.
You don't know how jealous I was when you told me you'd proposed to Francine. I guess I thought I still had a chance when you and Alice ended it, but who was I kidding, you don't stay at rest for long. Maybe if I had told you my feelings from the very beginning this would have all ended differently. Maybe I'd be the one you married instead of Francine. Or hell, maybe I'd be the one you ended it with after high school. At least I'd still have been able to say for some time that I had you.
But I guess we can't always get what we want, can we?
Alfred Jones, the one that helped me up when I was down. The one that broke my heart without even knowing it. My one and only true love that I never had a chance with, thank you so much for letting me be a part of your life. It truly was a great adventure, and if there was only one thing I could go back and redo, it would be to tell you this:
I love you, Alfred Jones. I love you with all my heart and soul and please will you let me be a part of your life for however long you will let me?
I wish I could be telling you all of this in person, Alfred, but I guess whatever god out there didn't want that. So this letter will just have to suffice. Now, this is only one thing I ask of you. I want you to live a good life, Alfred F. Jones. I want you to do things you never thought you would do, live your life to the fullest. And most of all, I want you to love your wife and your children and I want you to never leave them, understand? Never let them think that for one second you don't love them. You do that and I'll see you when it's your time.
Love,
Matthew Williams"
By the end of the letter Alfred had broken out into sobs. He found himself with his back pressed up against the cabinet and wondered when he had slid down to sit. He sat there for what seemed like hours, but was in reality it was only a few minutes. Finding himself unable to stop reading the letter over and over again, he got up, shoved the letter into his back pocket, grabbed his jacket and left the house. A few hours later and he found himself standing in front of a grave under a tree, tucked in the back corner of an old cemetery.
He kneeled down, his hands on his knees as he read the words on the gravestone. He couldn't help it as tears once again fell down his cheeks and he sniffed, wiping his runny nose on his sleeve. He closed his eyes and said in a shaky voice, "Matthew Williams, I love you. I've always loved you. I was always scared to say anything about it. I started seeing new people in hopes that it would get rid of the feeling but it didn't. You were always there in the back of my mind. I was never able to get rid of you." He opened his teary eyes and let out a frustrated sob, gripping at the material of his jeans as he took in a shaky breath and continued.
"But god damn it, Matthew! Why did you never say anything to me? Why didn't you tell me how you felt? I could have been with you. I always wanted to be with you, but I didn't have the guts. I thought maybe you'd be able to say it. But I guess we're both cowards in the end." Alfred choked on his words as he spoke, trying to keep in the sobs that wanted so hard to escape. His face scrunched up in emotional pain as he emptied his heart to a dead man's grave.
"It's too late to say this now, I know. And I wish I would have had the courage to tell you when I had first realized it. But don't you ever think that for once I didn't love you." He wiped under his eyes to get rid of the wetness on his cheeks and continued, "But…I will do what you asked of me. It's only fair to you, isn't it? Don't you worry, Mattie. I'll be the best husband you've ever seen. I'll be the best dad and I will never not tell them I love them. I won't make that mistake again."
Alfred brought a hand up and reached out to run his fingers over the engraved name of Matthew Williams, lingering on the last letter.
"I love you, Matthew Williams, and I'll see you when I see you."
Well, there you have it! This was originally just supposed to be a short drabble, but it turned into its own little thing. I originally wrote this for canadian-lofty on tumblr, but now I feel like posting it. I hope you enjoyed it and didn't cry as much as I did while typing it. If you have any questions, concerns, critiques, please leave a review! It would be very much appreciated. If you enjoyed it, leave a review and tell me! Its always nice knowing someone enjoys your writing. (:
Thank you again! C: