Coming home

(Right after "The time of the wolf")

"Then there shall be both victory and loss." Herne's words rang through Robin's mind when he brought the children back to Wickham. In spite of their normal behaviour they remained silent. He was their hero and seeing him so desperate frightened them very much. And they couldn't understand why Marion wasn't with them. He didn't understand it himself.

The outlaws and the villagers had worked hard. The village was beautifully decorated and there was happy and excited murmur everywhere.

John was the first to come towards them. He was looking questioningly at Robin, while the children slid from the horse's back and ran to their parents.

Robin felt tears well up in his eyes. "I've lost her, John," he whispered. His voice broke.

'Get your act together, Huntingdon,' he told himself, 'there's one last task she set you.'

"She'll stay at Halstead; but she wants to say goodbye to all of you."

Without another word Robin got on the horse, leaving it to John to deliver the message to the outlaws and the villagers.

Galloping like a madman, he spurred the horse through the forest. Nobody should see him cry.

X X X

The bell at Halstead's door rang loudly through the morning. John, Tuck, Much, Scarlet and Nasir were greeted and brought to the visitors' chamber. A novice's wish to say goodbye to her family was sacred and would be respected under any circumstances. The men waited, somewhat uneasily, in the bare room. Suddenly Much cried: "Marion!" running towards the fragile woman in a novice's dress who had just entered the room through a side door.

"Marion, is it true what Robin told us? It can't be… You can't…"

Against her will, tears streamed down Marion's face.

"Yes, Much, it is true. I can't do this any more. I can't live like this any more, knowing we could die at any moment. It was never about my own death, but I can't stand the thought of him dying. The thought of any of you dying. I could live with it in the past but I'm not that strong any more. I just have to find peace of mind. I found it here. Please understand." In turn, she looked each one of the men in the eyes.

Nasir nodded without a word. He knew people who shut themselves from a world they wouldn't be able to stand much longer from his home country.

Much cried silently. "It will be as if you were dead."

John smiled sadly. "Do you remember? It started just like that – by saving you from the convent. Just to lose you to a convent now."

Marion smiled through her tears. "Nothing's forgotten, John," she whispered.

Will hid his sadness behind anger. "You don't want to see us die, do you? Is it better for you to be told 'ere later which one of us died and 'ow?"

Abruptly he turned and walked out of the room.

Tuck sighed. "Aye, little flower, I understand. It doesn't change how hard it is. I hope you'll find your peace."

Marion smiled sadly. "At least my father will be happy. He never approved of my life in Sherwood."

John asked: "Is there something we should tell Robin?"

Marion thought about it. 'I love you? I already miss you?' Finally she shook her head.

"No, we talked everything over yesterday. Or yes: Tell him I want him to be happy." She hugged every one of the outlaws as a last goodbye, turned and went away.

Without a word the men left the convent. What else was there to do? Silently they went back home. Only Much broke the silence.

"I don't understand! How can she do this? What about Robin? He does love her after all, doesn't he?"

"We all loved her, one way or the other. Doesn't change anything though, does it?" repeated John.

X X X

Robin stood alone at the edge of Dark Mere. Slowly, he strung his bow. Then he lit an arrow on a torch he had brought and shot it out across the lake, contemplating his most wonderful memories of Marion: how he had met her for the first time at Huntingdon Castle, the night he had saved her from King John, their first kiss, their goodbye.

Normally, this ceremony was held only when a member of their group died, but he wanted to remember her like she had been. That meant that in the way she would be from now on, she had to die for him. He didn't want to picture her as a nun, her beautiful auburn hair cropped short under the veil, buried alive. He had to mourn her now.

When his friends moved out from the trees towards the lake shore, he took a deep breath and turned to them. His heart's desire was gone; he would feel this loss forever, but the rest of his 'family' was still there and needed him. He was their leader after all, the hooded man, Herne's son.

X X X

The weeks went by. Marion got used to living in Halstead. The same schedule every day with its eight times of prayer did her well. The nuns were friendly even though she thought they considered her more as an exotic pet than as a novice. After the first few weeks she was asked to help the sister caring for the herb garden. This was hard work sometimes, but she liked working with the herbs. She knew a lot already from her life in Sherwood, having collected them then and growing them now.

But while her body thrived in the calmness and the peace of the convent, her mind grew restless. She missed her old life more than she wanted to admit to herself. She missed the dangers, the challenges, the adventures. She missed living in the forest, under the trees. She often felt trapped here. She missed her friends. And more than anything else she missed Robin.

And what was more, she couldn't get Will's last words out of her head. Was it really better to sit here in blissful ignorance while her family died out there? Perhaps she would be able to help? Could she really be indifferent towards the outlaws' fate? Was she really so selfish that she didn't want to know whether her friends lived, suffered or died, just because it felt better to her?

As she had expected, her father had been happy that she had given up her dangerous life as an outlaw. At first he had been a bit upset that his only daughter and heiress wanted to take the veil instead of marrying and leading a peaceful life at Leaford Grange, but in the end he had told her, "Better the convent than the gallows."

How nice.

One day in early November Sister Joan, the doorkeeper, came to Marion to tell her she had a visitor. Marion followed the sister to the visitors' chamber, feeling slightly curious. She hadn't been expecting anybody. Perhaps it was her father?

When she got to the visitors' chamber she saw the broad shape of brother Tuck.

"Tuck," she cried, running towards her oldest friend.

"Little flower, how are you? You look well!" smiled the monk.

Marion smiled. It felt wonderful to feel alive again. Tuck's happiness made her feel happy as well.

"I am well. I enjoy the silence and peace and three regular meals a day," she joked. "How is everybody? John, Will, Nasir, Much? And," Marion took a deep breath, "and how is he?"

Tuck had much to tell. They had distributed the food they had found at Grimstone among the villages. Unfortunately, this hadn't been but a drop in the bucket. It would last the people through the winter but what they really needed was seeds. Thanks to some 'generous donators' they had got enough money to travel south to buy grain in South England.

"It was a nice diversion to buy something instead of taking it," grinned Tuck, "and then back North with the wagons loaded high. Every time a patrol came, we had to get off of the street. More than once we were almost captured. You would have loved it."

Marion could almost picture this adventure. Robin disguised as a rich merchant, the others as his servants. How much she would have liked to take part! Her eyes sparkled. Then she became serious again. This life had to be over for her now.

"Be honest, Tuck," she whispered. "How is he?"

Tuck hesitated.

"He laughs much less than he used to. He barely eats and seldom sleeps. If he does, he has nightmares. For a while we thought we might lose him; that he would return to his father. He's rich enough to buy him a pardon, isn't he? But he stayed. Well, he is Herne's son, after all. He can't just run."

Then Tuck recognised what he had just said. "It wasn't meant as an insult to you, little flower," he hurried to say, but Marion thought she heard the accusation anyway.

"Never mind," she said.

Tuck had to leave much too soon.

X X X

Afterwards, life at Halstead seemed a bit darker to Marion. The nightmares she had had when she first came to the convent returned to torment her. Again she saw Robin lying dead in the Ring of the nine Maidens. When she got near, the figure changed to Much, Scarlet, Nasir, Tuck, John, and again Robin. Every time she got down on her knees to touch him; every time at the very last moment he opened his eyes and said, "You could have saved me, if only you had been here!"

Marion became impatient and upset. Back in Sherwood she had been the most patient outlaw, perhaps with the exception of Nasir. Now the endless praying and the silent and uncontradicted acceptance of the nuns made her aggressive. How could something she had thought she needed get on her nerves so much? One day a fallen candle set fire to an altar cloth. The fire could only be put out with great difficulties. Sister Agnes' only comment was, "It was God's will." Marion would have dearly liked to shake some sense into her.

The sisters started to stay away from her.

On a mild day in late winter she was at the herbarium, sorting out some herbs. Every single leaf seemed to whisper, 'Is it better for you to be told here later which one of us died and how?'

She became so agitated that she realized too late that she had ruined a whole sack of lavender by throwing in the mildewed herbs she was supposed to throw away.

She murmured a curse her father would have been shocked to hear from her – a curse that definitely didn't belong in a convent, when somebody called to her from behind her back, "Marion!"

She spun around, suppressing another curse. The abbess was behind her, gentle and patient as always.

"Excuse me, mother."

"Marion, my child, we need to talk. Let's go to my parlour."

Marion felt a bit uneasy when she followed the abbess across the courtyard. She was sure she would be scolded. She might even have deserved it.

"Sit down, Marion." The abbess regarded her seriously. "My child, you were accepted here because you were desperate. You were searching for peace. You were heartbroken and I assumed that being near to God would help to lessen your pain. I really thought you wanted to consecrate yourself to God. Now I know that I was wrong. You wanted to run away, but you can't. Marion, our Lord doesn't want half-hearted promises. You can stay here as long as you wish – as a guest, but I won't take any binding vow from you."

Suddenly the abbess laughed. "To be honest, you confuse our poor sisters. You are like a falcon among chicken here. You have to be free. You deserve it. But your place is not in a convent – not for many years to come."

Marion listened to the abbess's speech with growing astonishment. At last she took a deep breath. "But where shall I go?" she whispered.

"My child, out there is a man who loves you. A good man. Out there are men who would walk through fire for you without hesitation, as you would for them. Go to them; go to him. He needs you."

"Reverend Mother, I came here because I couldn't stand to see him die. How can I return to him now?"

The abbess smiled quietly. "Oh, Marion. Would it be better to learn here behind our convent's walls and maybe weeks later that something has happened to him?"

These were so much like Will's words that Marion could only sit with her mouth open.

The abbess sighed. "You do still love him. Nothing can change this. There's nowhere you can hide from this."

"But Reverend Mother, I hurt him so much," Marion whispered, "I may have destroyed everything; maybe he doesn't want me back at all."

The abbess laughed heartily. "Oh, my child. Of course he wants you back. Ever since you've been here, there's always one of the outlaws on guard in the forest near our doors. I doubt that he does it because I'm so captivating. He's worried about your safety. A man doesn't do something like this for a woman he doesn't love any more."

Still unsure, Marion smiled at the abbess.

"Reverend Mother, you're taking a huge weight from my heart. I've realized for a while that I'm not made to live in a convent. I just didn't have the heart to leave without your blessing."

"Then take my blessing, Marion. We've kept your worldly possessions. Now that everything is settled you have to tell me when you want to leave."

"I'd love to leave right now, Mother, but I wouldn't reach the heart of Sherwood before dark. May I stay until tomorrow?"

"Of course."

X X X

Early the next morning Marion slipped out of the door, dressed in her own green dress with the surcoat made of stag's leather. To be protected against the cold, she wore a cloak and a hood from the convent's cloth hall. The sisters had even kept her sword and her bow.

The goodbye had been short and affectionate. Some of the sisters had been so exuberant you could almost see how happy they were to get rid of this strange novice.

What did it matter to Marion? This part of her life was over. She had even refused the escort offered to her. There could be no safer place for her than Robin's kingdom.

When she got near Sherwood's edge, a sinister-looking man dressed in black leather appeared in front of her out of nowhere. On his back he carried two curved swords and in sheaths fixed to the front of his jerkin there were several throwing knives.

Marion laughed, relieved to see him. "Nasir! It's so good to see you!" The tall Saracen bowed his head, making a face that would have been called a broad grin, had another man made it.

"Marion!"

Marion beamed. She hadn't seen Nasir for almost half a year now, but nothing had changed. "Will you take me to Robin and the others?"

The Saracen bowed his head to one side, pulling up one eyebrow. It was his way of asking a question.

"If you'll have me, I want to take part again."

Again, a raised eyebrow from Nasir.

"I've been hiding from myself. But I can't hide forever. I want to come back home, to Sherwood, to you!"

Nasir smiled his hidden smile, bowed his head again and started walking. Marion smiled, following him. At least one member of her family had accepted her again.

X X X

It was early evening; the day's work for the outlaws was done. In the camp there was a fire burning. Tuck stirred a pot of rabbit stew hanging over the fire, Much played his flute, Scarlet cleaned his sword, John chopped wood for the fire, Nasir was on guard at Halstead nunnery.

Robin sat brooding on a fallen tree trunk near the fire. The men had got used to this behaviour from their leader. In the beginning they had tried to get him to take part in their talks, but they had given up at some point. If Robin wanted to stare into empty space all evening long, well, just let him. As long as he got his act together during daytime…

When the birdcall sounded which indicated one of them coming to the camp, the men barely looked up. The only unusual thing was that Nasir was early this evening. Perhaps he had been cold…

Grinning, Nasir sat down by the fire.

"Your attention has grown lax when a second person can get so close to the camp unnoticed," they heard a voice and Marion stepped out of the shadows. She was nervous. How would the outlaws react? How would Robin react?

Jumping up, Much hurled his flute away, crying, "Marion!"

Like a happy puppy he jumped up and down. Lovingly Marion tousled his hair. Even though he wasn't much younger than she was, he would always be a little boy to her.

The next one to break the silence, right after Much, was Little John. "Marion!" he cried, astonished.

The men at the fire stared at Marion, astonished and alert. She took a deep breath. What was to come now wouldn't be easy.

"I have to ask your forgiveness. Of all of you. I made a mistake when I went to the convent. I can't live like that. I beg you: if you'll have me, I want to come back to you."

Like one man the men at the fire turned their heads towards their leader. Robin had got up. He stared at Marion as if he had just seen a ghost.

"Marion!" he whispered hoarsely.

Marion went over to stand in front of him.

"Robin."

There was begging in her voice.

"You have a new cloak," he whispered.

She answered as silently. "Yes, the sisters gave it to me. I didn't have one when I came to them…"

The silence between them stretched.

At last Marion said in a whisper, "When… when we last saw each other you told me we were happy. I want to be happy again. Please."

Still Robin remained silent, just staring at her.

Finally Tuck couldn't stand it any more. "Come to the fire, little flower. The rabbit stew is ready."

But Marion stayed where she was, her eyes still fixed on Robin.

At last he sighed and nodded almost imperceptibly. The outlaws relaxed and gathered round the fire.

"Well done, Tuck. I'm starving," John growled. Much beamed at Marion. "Nice to have you here again!"

Scarlet was, as always, the only one to hide his heart of gold under a rough exterior. "So you just show up 'ere, say you're sorry and everything is as it used to be?"

"Aye, Will, that's about it," John answered for Marion. Scarlet sulked a bit, then he growled, "Well, at least the dull and bloody cold guards at Halstead are done now."

Everybody laughed, even Scarlet himself.

"Why were you standing guard in front of the convent?" asked Marion.

Tuck explained, "We wanted to be prepared in case Gisburne learned where you were. He certainly would have been up to no good then. Of course, all of it was his plan." Tuck indicated Robin with the thumb of his hand holding his spoon.

Robin glared at him.

Unfortunately Much warmed to the topic. "He almost went mad when it became clear that all of us had to go south to buy grain. Was afraid to leave you unprotected." He chuckled. "He even wrote a letter to the abbess of Halstead and asked the villagers of Wickham for help."

"Fat lot of good that would've done. They can't even protect themselves, can they," Scarlet said.

"That's enough now," Robin said angrily. But they all could see that he was embarrassed rather than enraged, "If you can spend your energy talking nonsense, you may as well do the washing up. Tuck, the first guard is yours."

Now it was Tuck's turn to grumble.

Marion smiled. She was so happy to be back home.

X X X

In the outlaws' camp everything fell silent. Only Tuck sat next to the fire. He was on guard after all. From time to time, he suppressed a mighty yawn.

Robin walked over to him.

"Tuck, you might as well go to sleep. I'll take the guard. I can't sleep anyway."

Tuck nodded gratefully, toddling off to his sleeping furs.

Marion lay awake. She heard Tuck wrapping himself snugly in his blankets, grunting contently. Then everything became quiet again.

Marion was terribly cold. She got up and went to the fire. Robin watched her expectantly.

"May I sit with you?" she asked. "I'm so cold. I had forgotten how cold a winter's night in Sherwood can get."

Robin sighed, moving over a bit on his tree trunk so that she could sit next to him. For a while they sat next to each other in silence. From time to time Robin got up to put another piece of wood on the fire.

Then he looked at her.

"You're still shivering."

"Well, I'm still cold."

Robin considered this. Then he took his blanket, put it around his shoulders sitting down close to Marion so that she sat leaning against his chest. Then he wrapped his arms and his blanket around them both.

Marion sat there as if paralysed. His sudden closeness made her feel self-conscious. In spite of the warmth she was uneasy.

"Relax. I won't harm you," he whispered in her ear. But it took a long while before she could really relax.

"Why did you come back?" he asked quietly.

"Actually, because of Will."

"Will!" he exclaimed, astonished.

"Shhh, be quiet or you'll wake them all up," Marion warned quietly. "When they said goodbye to me at Halstead, Will asked whether it would be better to find out afterwards that you had been killed. This question kept spinning in my head. I thought about it for a long time. In the end I decided that it wouldn't be better. I'd suffer anyway. So I came back.

I can at least use the time given to us. At first I found peace at Halstead; but by and by I began to feel trapped there, buried alive. Robin, I want to live again."

Earnestly Robin asked, "What would it matter to you if something happened to me? Why would you suffer?"

"Robin, don't…" She broke off.

"Tell me," he urged.

"Because I love you," she whispered.

He took a breath so deep it almost sounded like a sob and closed his arms around her more tightly. Again they were silent, and why not? Everything had been said.

X X X

John woke up because something felt wrong. Finally he got it: the moon was at the wrong place in the sky. He hadn't been woken for his guard.

"Tuck fell asleep on guard again," he murmured in his beard. He pushed the blankets back and sat up. The fire had almost burnt down. By the fire sat Robin, smiling at John. Snuggled against his chest lay Marion. She was sound asleep.

John opened his mouth, but Robin put one finger to his lips, shaking his head. Then he pointed his chin towards the fire.

John understood. Grinning, he got up and put some more wood on the fire.

Robin whispered, "Get back to sleep, John. I'll stay awake."

"Do you need anything?"

Robin looked down at the sleeping Marion.

"No. I've got everything I need right here."

8