Title: The Deal
Author: Joani
Rating: Ooh, let's shoot for PG.
Synopsis: Buffy is in Hell and Spike has to go make a deal. Whoever said Heaven and Hell don't get along (mmm, sacrelicious)?
Disclaimer: If I owned Buffy the Vampire Slayer, I certainly wouldn't be the broke student I am now. Uh, and all biblical references aren't exactly mine either. But I don't think they're copyrighted.
Last Minute Author Notes: First fanfic online, folks, so if you could leave me a little review, even if you hated it. Offended because I'm making light of such a serious subject as Hell? Tell me about it, I love to laugh.
*****
The moment he stepped into her office, Lilith knew there was going to be Hell to pay. Well, more than there already was.
It wasn't the way that his blue eyes gleamed, or the way that his duster swished around his ankles, or even the murderous clenching of his black- tipped hands. It was him.
Lilith made sure to check that everything – computer, phone, stapler, and important files – were bolted to her desk, before looking up and smiling cordially, "Hello, Spike. Haven't seen you for some time." She laced her fingers before her, resting on her work desk, trying to lighten his mood.
As usual with Spike, though, it didn't help. "I hear you have a Buffy Summers down here." Spike announced shortly, his scowl not half as light as would be proper for a vampire.
Lilith shook her head, "I'm sorry, who?"
Spike growled, "You know, the most recently deceased Slayer of my kind?"
Lilith ahhed in comprehension, "Ahh, yes, that Summers… We get so many down here, you know." She bent over her keyboard, pulling up Summers' file, while maintaining a discreet eye on Spike. "Here we are!" Lilith scanned the document, "Ahh, yes… I see that she's here for recklessly endangering the world a few too many times for Heaven's comfort." She smiled up at Spike, but again, his scowl abolished the idea that the matter was over.
"That's not right."
Lilith raised an eyebrow, "I beg your pardon?"
"I said, that's not bloody right!"
Lilith frowned and searched for her words, "And what are you going to do about it?"
At this point, Spike smiled and leaned over her desk to whisper gently in her ear, "I'll give you Angelus, if you give Buffy to Heaven."
Lilith, bravely attempting not to look shocked to her pretty red toenails, leaned back in her chair and cleared her throat a few times. Inside, she was almost drooling with the temptation of finally having Angelus in Hell. And not just because he looked good in leather.
Finally, she asked, "And who will guarantee this?"
Spike reached into a duster pocket and pulled out a small cell phone, dialed a three-digit number and started to speak into it, "Gabe? Yeah, it's all set up."
In a flash that Lilith had to shield her eyes from, St. Gabriel appeared in his finest white negotiating robes. "Ahh, Lilith, what a pleasure," Gabe said fondly.
Lilith couldn't help but smile back, "The pleasure is mine, Gabriel. So what is this young Spike tells me of a trade offer?"
Gabriel nodded and began, "Well, our fine boy here…"
"I'm no one's fine boy." Spike interrupted rudely with a growl, and Gabe chuckled.
"Alright, well, Spike here went to see a priest, with a wonderful little scheme in mind. He even tried to enter sanctified ground several times!"
Lilith winced and nodded encouragement. "Well, it seems that he had heard of Buffy Summers' plight, and came to talk to God about this deal. Buffy for Angelus, and Spike here'll behave somewhat."
"Sod off, you had to tell 'er that part, didn't you?" Spike accused. Gabriel just shook his head and smiled, though Lilith gave him a warning look.
"Well, I'll have to run this through with Mr. Lucifer, but I don't think that it will be much of a problem." Lilith smiled brightly and pressed a red button on her phone, "Mr. Lucifer? St. Gabriel is out here with a deal you need to confirm."
"I'll be right out, Lili." Mr. Lucifer's voice rumbled over the phone. A door popped into existance against the red wall to Lilith's right, and it opened to reveal Mr. Lucifer in a dark blue business suit, complete with pin-striped red tie. He saw Spike's strange look at the tie and laughed, "Best to endorse my own creations, right?"
He turned to look at Lilith, "So the deal is one Buffy Summers in exchange for one Angel, also the reputed Angelus? I'm all for it, go right ahead."
Mr. Lucifer then turned his attention to Spike again, "Spike, old boy! Guess I'll be seeing you in a couple of more years, huh? Can't wait to get you on the rack!" With that and a hearty chuckle, Mr. Lucifer and his door disappeared.
Lilith smiled fondly, "Ahh, Mr. Lucifer." To Spike and Gabriel, she said, "Loves to keep on top of things." She picked up the phone receiver and spoke into it loudly, "Beelzebub? No, I need to speak with Beelzebub. Good. No, I'll wait." She looked apologetically to St. Gabriel and Spike, "It's always so noisy on site."
She turned her attention back to the phone as a familiar voice yelled at her. "Hello, Beelzy. Yes, send Ms. Buffy Summers up to my office, please? No, no, as she was when she arrived."
She hung up and smiled to the patient angel and Spike, whom she was sure had lifted something from her desk. She made a mental note to nail down her file cabinet and printer. She pressed a key on her keyboard, and something began to emit from the printer. Without looking, she took it, and stamped a big 'Mr. Evil Lucifer' onto one of the X lines.
Buffy appeared, standing awkwardly in slightly torn sweatpants and tank top, and Lilith frowned to catch a whiff of sulphur. "Ms. Summers, you are hereby exiled from Hell, and condemned to Heaven for Eternity, without parole."
Lilith banged a conjured gravel and nodded once.
Buffy looked around the office, horribly confused, "How come?"
"Your friend Spike has given us a better offer," Lilith commented vaguely. Buffy looked wildly at Spike, who gave her a slight, pained smile. "So, off you go with St. Gabriel, dear! Have a good trip."
St. Gabriel smiled widely, and walked to the door, opening it suggestively, "Come on, Ms. Summers, Heaven awaits!"
Buffy slowly walked out the door, followed by an eager Spike.
St. Gabe smiled, looking back, "Nice doing business with you, Lil. We have to keep in touch more often." Lilith nodded, "Coffee sometime. But, if you don't mind… Why was Angel in Heaven?"
St. Gabe smiled mysteriously, and spoke in a conspirator's whisper, "To make a deal."
Epilogue
A terrible roar went up in Mr. Lucifer's office, and Lilith popped in to see what was the matter. Evil was usually such an upbeat guy.
Inside, he was stomping around, smoke literally billowing from his ears as he waved a fax paper around. "You see what this is, Lili?"
Lilith could only shake her head, because Mr. Lucifer was waving it around too much to read.
"It looks like we will be denied Mr. Spike's company for eternity," Mr. Lucifer growled, "You remember that deal a few years ago?"
Lilith nodded, reminded only because she and St. Gabriel now met for coffee every Sunday.
"It was the last straw in making Spike eligible for Heaven!"
Author: Joani
Rating: Ooh, let's shoot for PG.
Synopsis: Buffy is in Hell and Spike has to go make a deal. Whoever said Heaven and Hell don't get along (mmm, sacrelicious)?
Disclaimer: If I owned Buffy the Vampire Slayer, I certainly wouldn't be the broke student I am now. Uh, and all biblical references aren't exactly mine either. But I don't think they're copyrighted.
Last Minute Author Notes: First fanfic online, folks, so if you could leave me a little review, even if you hated it. Offended because I'm making light of such a serious subject as Hell? Tell me about it, I love to laugh.
*****
The moment he stepped into her office, Lilith knew there was going to be Hell to pay. Well, more than there already was.
It wasn't the way that his blue eyes gleamed, or the way that his duster swished around his ankles, or even the murderous clenching of his black- tipped hands. It was him.
Lilith made sure to check that everything – computer, phone, stapler, and important files – were bolted to her desk, before looking up and smiling cordially, "Hello, Spike. Haven't seen you for some time." She laced her fingers before her, resting on her work desk, trying to lighten his mood.
As usual with Spike, though, it didn't help. "I hear you have a Buffy Summers down here." Spike announced shortly, his scowl not half as light as would be proper for a vampire.
Lilith shook her head, "I'm sorry, who?"
Spike growled, "You know, the most recently deceased Slayer of my kind?"
Lilith ahhed in comprehension, "Ahh, yes, that Summers… We get so many down here, you know." She bent over her keyboard, pulling up Summers' file, while maintaining a discreet eye on Spike. "Here we are!" Lilith scanned the document, "Ahh, yes… I see that she's here for recklessly endangering the world a few too many times for Heaven's comfort." She smiled up at Spike, but again, his scowl abolished the idea that the matter was over.
"That's not right."
Lilith raised an eyebrow, "I beg your pardon?"
"I said, that's not bloody right!"
Lilith frowned and searched for her words, "And what are you going to do about it?"
At this point, Spike smiled and leaned over her desk to whisper gently in her ear, "I'll give you Angelus, if you give Buffy to Heaven."
Lilith, bravely attempting not to look shocked to her pretty red toenails, leaned back in her chair and cleared her throat a few times. Inside, she was almost drooling with the temptation of finally having Angelus in Hell. And not just because he looked good in leather.
Finally, she asked, "And who will guarantee this?"
Spike reached into a duster pocket and pulled out a small cell phone, dialed a three-digit number and started to speak into it, "Gabe? Yeah, it's all set up."
In a flash that Lilith had to shield her eyes from, St. Gabriel appeared in his finest white negotiating robes. "Ahh, Lilith, what a pleasure," Gabe said fondly.
Lilith couldn't help but smile back, "The pleasure is mine, Gabriel. So what is this young Spike tells me of a trade offer?"
Gabriel nodded and began, "Well, our fine boy here…"
"I'm no one's fine boy." Spike interrupted rudely with a growl, and Gabe chuckled.
"Alright, well, Spike here went to see a priest, with a wonderful little scheme in mind. He even tried to enter sanctified ground several times!"
Lilith winced and nodded encouragement. "Well, it seems that he had heard of Buffy Summers' plight, and came to talk to God about this deal. Buffy for Angelus, and Spike here'll behave somewhat."
"Sod off, you had to tell 'er that part, didn't you?" Spike accused. Gabriel just shook his head and smiled, though Lilith gave him a warning look.
"Well, I'll have to run this through with Mr. Lucifer, but I don't think that it will be much of a problem." Lilith smiled brightly and pressed a red button on her phone, "Mr. Lucifer? St. Gabriel is out here with a deal you need to confirm."
"I'll be right out, Lili." Mr. Lucifer's voice rumbled over the phone. A door popped into existance against the red wall to Lilith's right, and it opened to reveal Mr. Lucifer in a dark blue business suit, complete with pin-striped red tie. He saw Spike's strange look at the tie and laughed, "Best to endorse my own creations, right?"
He turned to look at Lilith, "So the deal is one Buffy Summers in exchange for one Angel, also the reputed Angelus? I'm all for it, go right ahead."
Mr. Lucifer then turned his attention to Spike again, "Spike, old boy! Guess I'll be seeing you in a couple of more years, huh? Can't wait to get you on the rack!" With that and a hearty chuckle, Mr. Lucifer and his door disappeared.
Lilith smiled fondly, "Ahh, Mr. Lucifer." To Spike and Gabriel, she said, "Loves to keep on top of things." She picked up the phone receiver and spoke into it loudly, "Beelzebub? No, I need to speak with Beelzebub. Good. No, I'll wait." She looked apologetically to St. Gabriel and Spike, "It's always so noisy on site."
She turned her attention back to the phone as a familiar voice yelled at her. "Hello, Beelzy. Yes, send Ms. Buffy Summers up to my office, please? No, no, as she was when she arrived."
She hung up and smiled to the patient angel and Spike, whom she was sure had lifted something from her desk. She made a mental note to nail down her file cabinet and printer. She pressed a key on her keyboard, and something began to emit from the printer. Without looking, she took it, and stamped a big 'Mr. Evil Lucifer' onto one of the X lines.
Buffy appeared, standing awkwardly in slightly torn sweatpants and tank top, and Lilith frowned to catch a whiff of sulphur. "Ms. Summers, you are hereby exiled from Hell, and condemned to Heaven for Eternity, without parole."
Lilith banged a conjured gravel and nodded once.
Buffy looked around the office, horribly confused, "How come?"
"Your friend Spike has given us a better offer," Lilith commented vaguely. Buffy looked wildly at Spike, who gave her a slight, pained smile. "So, off you go with St. Gabriel, dear! Have a good trip."
St. Gabriel smiled widely, and walked to the door, opening it suggestively, "Come on, Ms. Summers, Heaven awaits!"
Buffy slowly walked out the door, followed by an eager Spike.
St. Gabe smiled, looking back, "Nice doing business with you, Lil. We have to keep in touch more often." Lilith nodded, "Coffee sometime. But, if you don't mind… Why was Angel in Heaven?"
St. Gabe smiled mysteriously, and spoke in a conspirator's whisper, "To make a deal."
Epilogue
A terrible roar went up in Mr. Lucifer's office, and Lilith popped in to see what was the matter. Evil was usually such an upbeat guy.
Inside, he was stomping around, smoke literally billowing from his ears as he waved a fax paper around. "You see what this is, Lili?"
Lilith could only shake her head, because Mr. Lucifer was waving it around too much to read.
"It looks like we will be denied Mr. Spike's company for eternity," Mr. Lucifer growled, "You remember that deal a few years ago?"
Lilith nodded, reminded only because she and St. Gabriel now met for coffee every Sunday.
"It was the last straw in making Spike eligible for Heaven!"