A/N – Merry Christmas Jolu fans! This is my gift to all of you! What I wish was happening on the show right now! Hope everyone has a fantastic Christmas filled with love and happiness!
This Christmas
Lulu frowned at the present in her hand. She couldn't believe Dante had actually asked for it. She really couldn't believe she had gotten it for him. As a Christmas present, no less. She glanced warily at the present again. This present basically confirmed that for her Christmas present, she was getting sex. Less than great, sex. She sighed and headed to the door, carrying the wrapped vibrator with her. She wished she had wrapped it in a different paper. Not the same paper that had wrapped the innocent toys she had given her nephews. She felt so dirty just thinking of all of it.
She walked down the stairs and out the front door of her apartment complex. She decided it was probably best to just walk to Dante's, given that the snow that had started to fall would make driving more trouble than it was worth. As she walked, her mind wandered to two years ago and her Christmas with Johnny. He had refused to ask for anything for the longest time and Lulu had finally gotten something out of him, only by threatening not to accept any present he gave her. When Johnny had asked, he hadn't asked for anything of material value. He had asked for a picture of the two of them that they could put up in the apartment. That was the kind of thing a boyfriend asked for as a Christmas present. Something sentimental and romantic. Not something that would help him feel more like a man in the bedroom.
Lulu arrived at Dante's and noticed she was a little early. She figured it didn't matter, but when she got to his door, she wasn't so sure anymore. She could hear voices from inside, Dante's and the other distinctly female. She listened carefully through the door and when she heard the woman laugh, she knew exactly who it was.
"I should probably go," Brenda whispered. "I'm supposed to be at Sonny's already and didn't you say Lulu was coming over?"
"Don't mention going to my dad's," Dante said angrily. "I hate thinking about that."
"I wish I could let him down easy," Brenda replied. "But there's no easy way to tell him I'm in love with his son."
"Why don't you just tell him you realized he'll never love you like I do?" Dante asked.
Lulu's mouth dropped open and the present dropped from her hand. She suddenly felt like she couldn't breathe. Her mind went blank and she turned and ran, not even knowing where she was going. But running felt right. It felt like the Spencer thing to do and she couldn't remember the last time she had done something that made her feel like her father's daughter.
As she reached the outdoors, she barely noticed that the snow was falling harder than earlier. All she noticed was that the heels she was wearing were a pain to try to run in. Since when did she wear heels anyway? And her tight dress didn't exactly make it easy to get away either. Since when did she prefer designer dresses from Crimson to a worn pair of jeans?
After a few blocks, Lulu got frustrated and stopped to take the heels off. The ground would have been cold under her feet, but she was too numb to feel anything. She just kept walking, making her way out of town to a stretch of road that would have been familiar had she been aware of her surroundings. But she wasn't. She might as well have been sitting in a rocking chair like her mother had for all those years. That's how dead to the world she was at that moment.
She couldn't feel anything, couldn't really see anything either. She couldn't even hear the car pulling up next to her.
Johnny looked around his apartment and sighed to himself. He wasn't the type to decorate for Christmas, but the lack of holiday spirit in his place was depressing. He couldn't stop the thought as it passed through his brain: Lulu would hate him for not at least having a tree. Maybe she hated him already. Not a good thought process for Johnny at all.
He walked over to his terrace and looked out at the falling snow. It looked like the beginning of a pretty good snow storm and instinct had Johnny reaching for his keys. Not only did the risk of driving in the bad weather get Johnny's adrenaline going, but he also felt the need to escape all the memories of Lulu that were threatening to engulf him.
Johnny paused before exiting his apartment and went over to the closet. He pulled down the box, labeled simply "important." It wasn't a box that got opened often, but Johnny felt the need to get something from it for his drive. He pushed aside the box that held his mother's necklace, quickly finding what he was looking for. Johnny smiled slightly as he pulled out the picture of him and Lulu from two years ago. When he used to take drives all the time, he always brought something with him, usually his mother's necklace, that would remind him of why he needed to come back. And he figured that picture of the happiest Christmas, happiest time of his life would do the trick.
He quickly walked to his car and got in, placing the picture on the glass covering his speedometer. He took off for a particular spot, wanting to remind himself of better times. As he drove down that special stretch of road, he noticed someone in his headlights. He was fairly sure his mind was playing horrible tricks on him. There was no way Lulu would be walking along the side of the road on Christmas Eve. But it sure looked like her.
He slowed down, wondering how long the hallucination would last. How long his wishful thinking would make Lulu appear to him in the same place she did the night they met. As he got even closer, he noticed that she was barefoot and shivering like crazy. He didn't think his mind would conjure up Lulu in that way. But as he pulled up next to her, she just kept walking, like she didn't even know he was there.
"Lulu!" Johnny yelled, rolling down the window.
She kept walking, not even turning to the sound of his voice. Overcome with worry, he pulled the car slightly ahead of her and stopped it, hopping out quickly. He moved to stand in front of her and stopped her by putting his hands on her arms.
"Lulu!" Johnny said again, grabbing her face in his hands.
She looked up at him with blank eyes, but at least she was looking at him. Her skin was like ice underneath his fingers and Johnny was more worried than ever.
"Talk to me, Lulu, what are you doing out here?" Johnny wondered.
"Johnny?" Lulu asked, seeming to come to her senses.
"Yeah, it's me," Johnny nodded, pushing some of her hair, which was wet from the snow, out of her face. "What are you doing out here?"
"I...I don't...where am I?" Lulu questioned, looking around.
"You're walking barefoot in the middle of a snowstorm," Johnny answered. "Come on, get in the car so I can take you home."
"No, no, no," Lulu said, shaking her head vigorously. "I don't want to go back to Port Charles."
"Lulu, I have to take you somewhere and get you warm," Johnny argued.
"Just take me in you car and we can go for a drive," Lulu pleaded. "I'll get warm in the car."
"Lulu, I don't think you realize-" Johnny tried.
"I'm not going back to Port Charles!" Lulu screamed, her eyes filling with tears.
"Okay," Johnny muttered, frowning again. "Okay, let's go."
He helped her to his car and when she got in, he buckled her seatbelt. He took off his jacket and wrapped it around her legs to try to warm her some while they drove. Not that he knew where they would go. He hurried around to his side and jumped in, making sure to turn the heater on full blast, especially the heater that pointed at the floor. He was really concerned about Lulu and was angry at whoever it was that had done this to her. As he started the car and pulled onto the highway again, he glanced at her and saw that she was now silently crying.
"Talk to me, Lulu," Johnny requested.
"Nothing to talk about," Lulu mumbled.
"Come on, you're a Spencer," Johnny replied. "You're supposed to be able to lie better than that."
"Why don't you just drive?" Lulu asked.
"Because I'm worried about you," Johnny answered. "What the hell made you go walking barefoot in a snowstorm?"
"People around me wouldn't stop asking me questions," Lulu snapped.
Johnny laughed once, unable to stop himself. He glanced at Lulu and saw that she was crying harder than before. His forehead creased with worry again, knowing he needed to get her to open up, but having no clue how. So much had changed between them.
"Lulu," Johnny said quietly.
"Johnny," Lulu countered.
"I would really appreciate it if you would talk to me," Johnny sighed. "I'm worried."
"Don't be," Lulu replied, shivering in her seat.
"You're freezing cold because you were out in a snowstorm," Johnny recounted. "When I got to you, it was like you didn't know I was there until I touched you."
"I was thinking," Lulu shrugged.
"I know your thinking face, Lulu," Johnny pressed. "That wasn't it."
"Then what was it?" Lulu wondered.
"It was the expression you used to get when we were in Manhattan," Johnny said sadly. "When you were basically leaving yourself."
"Is that why you're so scared?" Lulu asked, glancing at him.
"Yeah," Johnny nodded. "I hated seeing you like that and seeing it again tonight really...I just want to help."
"I guess I just left myself for awhile," Lulu muttered.
"Why?" Johnny questioned.
"Because I wanted to," Lulu answered. "I didn't want to be me."
"Is this about Dante?" Johnny asked.
"You're a regular Sherlock Holmes," Lulu said sarcastically.
"What the hell did he do to you?" Johnny questioned, pressing down on the accelerator.
"You're so predictable," Lulu laughed, wiping away the tears from earlier.
"Excuse me?" Johnny asked.
"You get mad and drive faster," Lulu explained. "And when you're worried, you drive slow."
"I haven't driven slow a day in my life," Johnny argued.
"Yeah, right," Lulu snorted. "I bet your speedometer read sixty when we first got in the car."
"I didn't look, but I can guarantee it didn't," Johnny replied.
"What's it say now?" Lulu wondered.
"I, uh..." Johnny mumbled, looking and seeing the picture of them he had brought.
"Well?" Lulu asked expectantly.
"I c-can't, uh...I can't s-see," Johnny stuttered, trying to casually push the picture to the side so he could read it.
"What is that you're pushing out of the way," Lulu questioned, leaning over to see.
"Sit back," Johnny said, pushing her back gently.
"What are you hiding?" Lulu wondered, trying to reach across him.
"None of your business," Johnny answered, batting her hand away. "Stop trying to change the subject."
"Stop being secretive when you want me to tell you my secrets," Lulu countered, reaching across quickly and snatching the picture.
Johnny closed his eyes and sighed, not knowing how she would react to finding the picture. She got quiet as she studied it and Johnny glanced at her nervously. He was relieved to see her smiling.
"I was thinking about this earlier," Lulu said softly.
"Really?" Johnny asked in surprise.
"Yeah, I was remembering how sweet it was that all you wanted for Christmas was this picture," Lulu smiled. "I can't believe you still have this."
"Did you think I would throw it away?" Johnny questioned.
"Well, I guess I meant that..." Lulu started, but trailed off.
"You can't believe I have it right now," Johnny finished.
"Yeah," Lulu agreed.
"I wasn't, uh...expecting to pick you up," Johnny noted.
"I'm sorry you had to," Lulu offered.
"I'm just glad I found you," Johnny replied. "If I hadn't stopped to grab the picture, I might have missed you."
"Almost like fate," Lulu said, glancing over at him again.
"But mostly like deja vu," Johnny laughed, smiling at her.
Lulu laughed as well and Johnny decided not to press about what had happened with Dante anymore. For now, she was laughing and they were taking a ride in his car. He was receiving an unexpected Christmas gift and he wasn't going to ruin it.
"I can't see anything," Johnny complained, leaning forward as if that would allow him to see through the blinding snow.
"That's because we're in a snowstorm," Lulu said simply.
"Well, good to know you're so calm," Johnny muttered, straining his eyes.
"Why don't you just pull over?" Lulu asked.
"Because we would freeze to death," Johnny answered.
"You could leave the heater on," Lulu pointed out.
"It wouldn't be the same," Johnny replied, sighing to himself.
"So, you're just going to drive until we crash?" Lulu questioned.
"Yes," Johnny nodded, rolling his eyes. "I thought it would be fun."
"No need to be so sarcastic," Lulu said, rolling her eyes as well.
"I should have driven you back to Port Charles," Johnny mumbled.
"I didn't want to go back to Port Charles," Lulu reminded him.
"And why is that?" Johnny asked.
"Not your business, but nice try," Lulu said, giving him a fake smile.
"Okay, we're going to have to stop," Johnny sighed, pulling off to the side of the road.
"I thought you said we'd freeze to death," Lulu noted.
"We would, but we're not staying in the car," Johnny replied.
"I may not be the smartest girl in the world, but wouldn't that only make us freeze faster?" Lulu wondered.
"It would if we didn't get inside soon afterwards," Johnny nodded, parking the car. "Let's go."
"Wait, I don't think so," Lulu said, shaking her head. "I'm not going out in a snowstorm to search for shelter when I could just stay in the car where it's warm."
"We're not going to have to search, Lulu," Johnny sighed. "Just trust me."
"How long is the walk?" Lulu questioned.
"Not even a quarter of a mile," Johnny replied.
"In heels that's forever," Lulu argued, showing him her shoes.
"I'll carry you," Johnny offered, turning off the car.
"I'm not helpless," Lulu exclaimed.
"No, you're just frustrating as hell," Johnny laughed.
"Then just leave me here to freeze," Lulu pouted, sitting back in her seat.
"You've got to be kidding me," Johnny groaned, getting out of the car.
He stopped to open the trunk and pulled out his bag of supplies for the run that he always carried with him. Then he trudged over to Lulu's side and opened her door. She turned her head from him, but he refused to be denied. He unbuckled her seatbelt and pulled the jacket from around her legs. She shivered immediately, but didn't back down. She squirmed and punched and even got in a few kicks, not that he knew how, before he successfully pulled her from the car and into his arms, throwing her over his shoulder.
"Put me down!" Lulu screamed.
"Not a chance!" Johnny yelled back, walking toward their destination.
"I have legs that work!" Lulu cried out.
"And a mouth, too," Johnny said sarcastically.
"Don't even start with me," Lulu muttered, hitting against him.
"Look, we're almost there," Johnny sighed. "But if you don't stop struggling, we'll never make it."
"If you'd let me walk, I wouldn't have to struggle," Lulu mumbled, but quit squirming.
Johnny smiled to himself and kept walking, holding her a little tighter. After a few minutes of walking in silence, they reached the cabin that Johnny was so thankful was still there. He gently set Lulu on her feet and she glared at him. He just laughed as he watched her realize where they were.
"How did you know we were close to this?" Lulu asked, looking at him.
"I hold on to good memories," Johnny shrugged.
Lulu smiled and they stood in silence for a minute.
"Johnny, it's freezing out here," Lulu pointed out.
"You're the one who knows how to pick a lock," Johnny noted.
"Oh, right," Lulu giggled, pulling a pin from her hair.
She picked the lock quickly and they went inside. Johnny flipped on the lights and they found the cabin they had been to over three years ago completely decorated for Christmas.
"You think someone's here?" Lulu asked in a whisper.
"No, there's no fire in the fireplace," Johnny replied, walking inside.
"And it's freezing, so there should be," Lulu nodded, following him and closing the door behind her. "I should have noticed that."
"It's okay, Lulu," Johnny said, studying her carefully. "Unless you're studying to be a...you know, never mind."
"I hate cops," Lulu sighed, falling into the couch.
Johnny noticed she was shivering even more now and he frowned.
"Here, take this," Johnny said, offering her the bag he had gotten from the car. "It has some warm, dry clothes in it."
"Okay, go in the other room," Lulu instructed.
"Lulu, I've seen it all," Johnny smiled coyly.
"That doesn't mean you get to see it again," Lulu replied, throwing a heel at him.
"Hey!" Johnny yelped, barely ducking in time.
"I said go to the other room," Lulu repeated, holding up her other shoe.
"Fine, fine," Johnny said, rolling his eyes. "I need to check the house for firewood anyway."
Lulu smirked in satisfaction as Johnny disappeared and she eagerly dug in his bag, smiling as she found a pair of his sweats. She used to love wearing his sweatpants and hearing him complain about her stealing his clothes. She knew he actually loved that she did it and he always checked her out when he saw her wearing them.
"You done yet?" Johnny called out.
"No!" Lulu answered.
"Hurry up!" Johnny yelled back.
Lulu laughed to herself and quickly undressed and then slipped into his clothes. She immediately felt better than she had all night.
"I'm coming back, ready or not," Johnny said, returning to the front room. "Damn."
"Don't sound so disappointed," Lulu smiled. "You've seen it all before, remember?"
"Some things are always good to see," Johnny replied.
"Thank you," Lulu muttered.
"You're welcome," Johnny smirked, placing some of the wood he found in the fireplace.
"Do you have a lighter for that?" Lulu questioned.
"Yeah, there was one in the kitchen," Johnny answered.
"Okay," Lulu sighed, sinking into the couch.
"I'm glad you're making yourself comfortable," Johnny muttered.
"Not like we have much else to do," Lulu noted.
"I guess you're right," Johnny laughed, starting the fire. "Come here, Lu."
"I'm comfortable," Lulu pouted.
"You need to get warm," Johnny argued.
"I changed clothes," Lulu reminded him.
"Your hair is still wet," Johnny pointed out. "And your feet are bound to be like ice."
"If I come over there, will you rub my feet?" Lulu asked, smiling at him.
"First I have to carry you all the way here and now you want me to rub your feet?" Johnny countered.
"You're the one who couldn't see in the car," Lulu shrugged.
"You're the one who wouldn't let me take you back to Port Charles," Johnny replied.
"Why don't you want to rub my feet?" Lulu wondered.
"Why do you want me to rub them?" Johnny questioned.
"You're impossible," Lulu sighed, snuggling into the couch further.
"Right, because I'm the one who won't do anything I say," Johnny chuckled, walking over to her.
"You won't do anything I say," Lulu frowned.
"Because everything you say goes in the way of me not taking care of you the way I want to," Johnny said softly, sitting on the table in front of her.
"You want to take care of me?" Lulu asked.
"You should know that by now," Johnny smiled.
"I probably should," Lulu agreed, sitting up.
"So will you please go sit by the fire?" Johnny requested.
"Yes," Lulu nodded, standing up.
She walked over to the fireplace and Johnny watched her as she went. He couldn't help but admire the way his clothes looked on her. It was always one of his favorite things when they were together. He smiled as he watched her take a seat by the fire, placing her feet close so they could get warm. She was still shaking a little, so he grabbed a blanket from the couch and stood to go over to her.
"Here," Johnny whispered, placing it around her shoulders.
"Thanks," Lulu muttered, grabbing the edges of the blanket to hold it to her.
"Lulu, what happened tonight?" Johnny questioned, sitting in front of her.
"Johnny, I don't-" Lulu tried.
"It's just me, here," Johnny replied, bringing his hands to her feet. "There's no one else for miles."
"What if when I tell you I go back to being like I was when you found me earlier?" Lulu asked.
"I'll bring you back to reality," Johnny promised. "I seem to remember being pretty good at that."
"The best," Lulu agreed.
"Talk to me, Lulu," Johnny pleaded.
"Okay," Lulu said, taking a deep breath. "You know how every person in the world has warned me against Dante?"
"Yeah," Johnny nodded.
"Well, it turns out they were right," Lulu said, her eyes filling with tears. "He's nothing but a liar."
"And you found that out tonight?" Johnny questioned.
"When I overheard him tell Brenda he loved her, yeah," Lulu answered.
"What?" Johnny asked in shock.
"Yeah," Lulu said, tears spilling out. "And she loves him, too."
"Lulu, I'm...I'm sorry," Johnny offered, reaching out for her.
"Don't," Lulu sighed, pushing his hand away. "You're just as much to blame for my tears."
"Huh?" Johnny wondered.
"Losing Dante isn't...he could never break my heart," Lulu explained. "He never had my heart to break it."
"Lulu-" Johnny tried.
"Just shut up," Lulu said, interrupting him. "Let me finish."
"Okay," Johnny conceded, frowning slightly.
"It only hurts because it reminds me of us," Lulu continued. "How I wasn't good enough to hold on to you. I never really dealt with that, so today when I overheard them talking, it all rushed back."
"How could you think you weren't good enough?" Johnny asked.
"How could you cheat with Maxie if you were happy with me?" Lulu countered, letting her head fall so Johnny couldn't see her eyes.
Johnny was stunned into silence for a moment. He had no idea how to answer Lulu's question because her perception of their breakup was so skewed. She didn't understand what he had done, but he couldn't be surprised that she didn't. He had never explained.
"Do you remember the first time I told you I loved you?" Johnny questioned.
"Of course I do, but-" Lulu tried.
"That night," Johnny interrupted, "I also told you about how I used to be before we met."
"You said you did stupid things," Lulu remembered.
"The thing is, Lulu, I think I'm just stupid," Johnny admitted. "That's really the only explanation for what I did to ruin us. I mean, at the time I thought I was saving you from me. From my life and my secrets."
"Like Michael?" Lulu guessed.
"Yeah, that was the big one," Johnny nodded. "But really, I should have trusted you more. You never gave me a reason to doubt you or your love, but...I did. And I can never tell you how sorry I am for that."
"So you were just being stupid? Am I supposed to say it's okay and get over it?" Lulu asked.
"No, I'm just trying to explain," Johnny replied. "But I'm not sure how to because I don't understand what I did anymore. Now I look back and all I can see is how completely wrong I was. I was wrong to think that I had no other choice but to hurt you to make you leave me."
"Why did you think that?" Lulu wondered.
"Because I knew I could never leave you," Johnny answered. "I wasn't strong enough."
"So you kissed Maxie to hurt me and make me break up with you because you thought we had to break up because of the secret of Michael's shooting and you were too weak to just break up with me yourself?" Lulu questioned.
"Yeah, that's pretty much it," Johnny said, realizing how terrible it sounded.
"That is stupid," Lulu replied.
"Thanks," Johnny muttered.
"But that doesn't mean you're stupid," Lulu sighed. "You just...do stupid things."
Johnny nodded his agreement and Lulu met his eyes for the first time since they had begun talking about their breakup. She had stopped crying and her eyes seemed to be searching him for something. After awhile, she looked toward the fire and he wondered if she had found what she was looking for.
"I thought that I wasn't good enough for you," Lulu said softly. "I thought that even the best I had to offer, which is always what I gave to you, just wasn't enough. I thought that the woman I was with you wasn't enough. So I changed myself. I became someone I couldn't even recognize because I just wanted to be good enough for someone. And Dante came along and he seemed interested so I thought I had done it. But not even fake me holds on to the man in her life."
"Lulu, tonight I went driving with nothing but a picture of us in the car with me," Johnny whispered. "You really think you don't still have a hold on me?"
"You don't show it," Lulu murmured, tears leaking out of her eyes again.
"I try not to," Johnny noted. "I don't feel like I have a right to."
"Of all the people I know, you're the one who has the most right to show me how you feel," Lulu replied. "After everything you've done for me, how many times you've saved me and the way you took care of me when I could barely take care of myself, you always have the right to show me how you feel. Good or bad."
"Alright," Johnny nodded, reaching out and forcing her gaze to him. "I love you."
"Johnny-" Lulu tried.
"No, you said I could," Johnny teased, smiling as he traced his fingertips over her face. "I love you. And after everything it may not mean much, but I never stopped. I will never stop loving you, that much I know."
"I didn't say that you could tell me," Lulu muttered. "I said you could show me."
Johnny's eyes widened and Lulu smiled at him. She pointed above them and he looked up to find mistletoe hanging on the mantle. He laughed and she gave him an expectant stare.
"Exactly how far can I go in this showing you thing?" Johnny asked, scooting closer to her.
"Well, you'll have to prove your point," Lulu answered coyly. "And I can be a slow learner."
"I'll be sure to get the message across," Johnny whispered.
He barely finished his words before he crashed his lips against hers. Her hands dropped the blanket she had been holding around her and found their way into his hair. His arms encircled her waist and he pulled her closer, deepening the kiss. Johnny felt his heart fill and the absolute completeness set in, something he hadn't experienced in over a year and a half. He only hoped Lulu was feeling the same thing.
"Lulu," Johnny murmured, breaking the kiss.
"I don't think you've proved it yet," Lulu breathed, trying to pull him back to her.
"Hang on," Johnny said, staying just out of her reach.
"What?" Lulu asked in confusion.
"I know this is stupid, but...I want to take a picture of us," Johnny replied.
"Actually, that's not stupid," Lulu smiled. "It's the most romantic thing I've ever heard."
"Yeah?" Johnny wondered.
"Yes," Lulu nodded. "It tops the first time you asked me for a picture which was previously the most romantic."
"I just...I love you so much," Johnny said, brushing his lips against hers again. "I want to have a reminder of the day we started over."
"I love you, too," Lulu whispered, pulling him into a hug.
Johnny closed his eyes and breathed in her scent, smiling to himself. He felt her nuzzle his ear with her nose and then kiss the back of his neck. She still knew everything to do to make him crazy.
"What about the picture?" Johnny questioned when Lulu's hands slipped to the buttons of his shirt.
"Plenty of time for that," Lulu answered, looking into his eyes again.
"Forever," Johnny said, leaning his forehead against hers.
"Mm," Lulu mumbled, nodding her agreement and connecting their lips once more.
A few hours later, Johnny and Lulu lay on the floor in front of the fireplace wrapped in each other's arms, talking to each other quietly.
"I don't think you could have planned this night any better if you tried," Lulu giggled, pressing a kiss to his chest.
"You don't think I have it in me to plan you a fantastic Christmas surprise?" Johnny asked.
"Not as amazing as this," Lulu answered.
"I'll remember that as a challenge for next year," Johnny smiled.
"I'm looking forward to it," Lulu muttered, leaning up to kiss him once more.
"But, for now, I think we should enjoy this one a little more," Johnny whispered, rolling her to her back and hovering over her.
"That is an excellent idea," Lulu agreed, stroking his face gently.
"Merry Christmas, Lulu," Johnny whispered as he pressed into her once more.
"Merry Christmas, Johnny," Lulu replied.