missing you
His hands were reaching for the phone before he even realized what was happening. He didn't even bother going to the contacts because his number was no longer there. He had deleted it and Rin had just let it happen, but he can't delete the number from his mind. It was etched into him permanently, and Rin's finger lightly pressed down on each button, and all he could think was whywhywhywhywhywhy over and over again.
The phone rang twice before he heard the call connect and he could hear his breathing on the other line.
"Why are you calling me?" Rin always loved Haru's voice but right now, it cut into him too much.
"Don't know…missed you, I suppose," Rin mumbles, his eyes rolling to the back of his head as he slumped into his armchair. He hiccupped when he fell onto the chair.
"Are you drunk?" Haru asks. Rin hiccups again.
"Doesn't matter. I miss you even when I'm not," Rin breathes out, shutting his eyes, completely absorbing himself in Haru's slow breathing over the line.
"Why? You're the one who cut it off," Haru says. Rin nods even though, technically, he knows Haru can't see him. Yes, he was the one who cut it off. He had been scared. Scared of how much he was falling for Haru. Scared that that love would fuck up his dream because he had been gaining time. He had been swimming slower so what else was he supposed to do? He had been drowning for fuck's sake.
"You know why," Rin tries to defend, but he already regrets calling him. Haru told him to never call him again, and yeah, maybe Rin's already broken that rule the night after he left him, but that doesn't matter.
He doesn't deserve to win him back anyway.
"Yeah. I know. How's it going? You won something recently, right?" Rin nods again. Yeah. He did. He won a medal. An actual medal from the Olympics and even though it had been everything he thought it would be like, he wanted to find himself wrapped in Haru's arms that night. Only, he hadn't been there.
It had been his fault.
"Yeah. Silver. Not gold though. That's cool. Still have a pretty silver medal. Not like the pretty of your eyes though. Shit. Sorry," Rin apologizes as he hears Haru draw in a short breath.
"I'm happy for you, Rin. Why are you calling me?"
"Told you. I miss you. Miss you a lot. Yeah, I miss you like a whole bunch. It sucks. Really, it does. Sorry by the way. I miss you, Haru… I'm sorry." Rin's crying and he doesn't know what to do about it.
"I'm sorry too," is the last thing Haru tells him before the line goes dead. Rin just leans back even more and he can feel the phone slip from his fingers and onto the floor.
That was only the first night.
"You always smelled like chlorine, you know? That was a huge turn on for me. Especially when we spooned. Damnit. I'm sorry. I keep talking and it's becoming such a problem," Rin mumbles out.
"Why do you keep calling me, Rin?" Haru sighs. "And why are you drunk when you call me? Why are you drinking so much? It's not good for you. Aren't you an Olympic swimmer?"
"Haha yeah, like I always dreamed, right? Really, it's great. Really, it is," Rin says.
"I wasn't saying it wasn't, Rin," Haru states simply.
"Oh. Sorry. Damnit. I miss you. Why does it hurt so much, Haru? Missing someone?" Rin's voice breaks halfway through, and Haru remains silent.
"I don't know, Rin," Haru finally whispers. They're breathing in unison now and Rin thinks that he'd like it to be like that forever.
"I miss you," Rin repeats.
"Yeah, okay," Haru says.
"Yeah. Okay…."
"I'm sorry, Rin," Haru says again before he disconnects. Rin stares at the phone, already used to those words. His head hurts and he tries to stand up to go to his bed but he falls.
This was what?
The sixth night?
Rin doesn't remember.
"I still have our home movies by the way," Rin hiccups into the phone. Haru sighs.
"Okay."
"I was watching the one where you took the camera from me that time. Well, that happened a lot, but remember?" Rin's especially drunk tonight. His coach lectured him today because he was slowing down again. Rin didn't know why. He doesn't really know that much anymore.
"Yeah, I remember," Haru says softly. Rin briefly thinks that Haru doesn't because how could he if that happened so often? He forget to mention it though because then he's talking again.
"We were so dumb, Haru. Remember? Remember that time when you told me you loved me? Not that time, but the first time? The first time that ever happened? It's like…I don't know because I can't explain it but it was amazing, really. Remember?" Rin can feel his head hurting more than usual.
"Rin, I remember," Haru says. His voice is softer tonight and kinder, it seems. Rin wonders why.
"Haru, I miss you," Rin repeats again. He does. He really really does.
"I know," Haru responds. Rin nods once, twice, three times before it comes.
"Rin, I'm sorry."
Then, he's gone again for the eleventh time, but that's okay because so is Rin.
"Do you ever miss me, Haru?" Rin's not in his house this time. He's outside. He's on the street. He doesn't know where he's going but he wants to keep walking. He doesn't remember how much he drank, but he thinks it's a lot. A car passes by and Rin stumbles after it. Haru hears it.
"Rin, where are you right now?" His voice sounds worried, but Rin doesn't—can't—comprehend it right now.
"Do you miss me, Haru? Ever?" Another car passes by and Rin falls on the sidewalk. He grunts in pain.
"Rin, where are you?!" Rin shakes his head. How was he supposed to know that?
"On a cliff, Haru. I'm on a cliff and I'm about to fall. Is it my fault? I don't know. I don't know. But there's water at the bottom, Haru, and I'm positive I'm going to drown. Ha! Olympic Swimmer drowns! I wonder how that'll be received. Haru, do you ever miss me?" He can hear Haru's breathing quicken.
"You're on a cliff? Wait…there's not a cliff in your city. Rin, wait where are you?! Rin!"
Rin's laying down in the middle of the road now. He just got tired of being on the ground because he fell. Now, he's going to be there on purpose. He's holding the phone to his ear and he smiles.
"I'm on a road. Don't know where. It's wet though," he mumbles out. He glances at the street sign. He can't really read it. "Haru, you never answered my question, you know."
"You're in the road?! Rin, what are you doing?"
Rin sees a bright light coming towards him and he brings his head to see a car in the distance. It seems to be ages away though.
"Haru, I miss you," he says again.
"I know, Rin. I know. Damnit. Rin, get out of the road. Where are you? Rin?!"
Rin smiles against the phone and geez, the car's really bright now.
"Where are you, Haru? Besides my heart I mean. Haha. Remember when I used that line on you when we were together that night? You called me your idiot and I loved you. I still do in case I didn't tell you. Damnit. Sorry. You know how I talk when I'm drunk. Am I drunk? Don't really know, I suppose. Haru, why haven't you answered me yet?"
"Haru, why haven't you answered me yet?" Haru doesn't want to say that he misses him every day of but he supposed right now he had to. He opens his mouth to respond, but then Rin's erratic breathing is replaced with a crash, a scream, and beeping.
And then, fuck, Haru knows what happened.
He doesn't want it but it's already happened.
Haru's shaking as he talks into the phone. He faintly hears a door slam and then there's someone else on the phone line.
It is not Rin.
"Fuck! Hello? Hello?! Is someone there? Fuck! Can you call the police? Fuck! Fuck! Are you his friend? Hello? Can you hear me? I'm so fucking sorry. Oh my god…oh my god, I didn't see him! I didn't see him! I didn't see him! I'm sorry. I'm sorry. He doesn't look alive oh my god. I'm sorry. Hello? Are you still there? Fuck…is this working?"
Haru can't breathe. He can't move. No no no no no. No. No. No.
He collapses to the ground and fuck, he's crying. He never even got to say it. He never got to even tell him that he wanted him back. He didn't get the chance to go over in the morning and wake him up and kiss him on the stupid mouth when he'd whisper that he missed him too.
He'd never get to do that now.
No no no no no no no.
He can't hear himself. He doesn't even know what's happening. No no no no. He brings his hands up to his face and cries into them.
"Rin, I'm sorry," he sobs. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry."
He doesn't even get the chance to hang up on him and Haru sobs harder.
"I'm sorry, Rin, and yeah…I'll miss you too. Always," Haru whispers out as he tears dry out.
He hangs up.
*i'm so sorry. i don't know if you cried or not. i didn't really put too much into it. that'd would have been more awful. if i dragged this out longer, i mean. anyway, reviews maybe?
bay guys :)
-DiAnna44
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