I'm gonna let you in on a secret... This is my first fanfic. Sorry about, you know, how bad it is. In my defense, it's a little harder, since here, they're all early twenties while in the movie, they're late twenties/early thirties.
Oh, who am I kidding. Excuses, excuses.
I don't own Megamind. I want to. I would be a kajillionaire.
"This is Roxanne Ritchie reporting live from City Hall."
I finished my broadcast and made the cut sign to my cameraman, Hal. This was my third day at KMCP Channel 8, and I was loving every second.
"So, Roxie, you wanna, like, I dunno, get a coffee or something?"
Well, almost every second.
Hal's heart was in the right place, but his head… well, he certainly couldn't take a hint, that was for certain.
"Ah, I can't, Hal. I still have some stuff to move in. You know, since this is only my first week back in the city?"
"Oh, yeah, that's cool, I guess." Hal's shoulders slumped dejectedly.
I shook my head slightly and walked off, enjoying the beautiful April day. I used to live in Metro City, but my dad got a job in Lansing when I was fifteen. This was my first time back since then. I had actually known Hal briefly in high school. He had once tried to stuff himself into my locker, and when I caught him, he squeaked out something about surprising me, fell on his face, and scuttled off.
You can understand why I wasn't too broken up about leaving.
A lot had changed since I had lived here, the most notable of these being the continuous battles between our friendly neighborhood super hero and not-so-friendly villain. When I learned about the super powered grudge match, my first thought was, This would make great reporting material! Unfortunately, there was only one reporter who got to cover the fights, and that was Lea Lane, the biggest airhead I had ever had the misfortune to meet- but then again, at that time, I had not yet introduced myself to Metro Man.
Anyway, Lea was always first on the scene of any battle, always flipping her perfect golden tresses, always misreading her prompter, and always the only kidnapping victim. Boy, but could that girl scream! It never ceased to intrigue me how Megamind managed to withstand those shrill notes she pumped out at every kidnapping. But, I suppose you didn't get famous around here by having, I don't know, talent. All they needed was a pretty face to smile next to Metro Man.
I sighed as I walked past the park I practically lived in as a child, riding my bike and interviewing everyone I saw. Journalism had been a passion of mine ever since I had accompanied my dad to his job at the tender age of six. From then on, I harnessed my natural inquisitiveness and eventually landed here, a city with dangerous battle scenes at least once a week thanks to two aliens duking it out in a no-holds-barred all-or-nothing fight to the finish. Or at least, until Megamind failed and was dragged back to prison.
You couldn't get much better than that.
I had been just about to go flag down a taxi and visit the art museum across town, another childhood haunt of mine, when I heard a squeal of tires and felt a strong hand grab me around the waist. Oh God- what's going on? A soft mist sprinkled my face, then the world dissolved into darkness.
"Who on earth is that?"
"I'm not sure, sir. I went where you told me-"
"Yes, yes, Minion, I realize that! Those stupid tracker bugs! Minion, remind me to never put AI into beings as dim-witted as insects!"
"Yes, sir. But there's still the problem of…"
"Shhh! Quiet, Minion! I'm coming up with a plan…"
Minion? There was only one person in the entire city- probably the entire state- who would even have a Minion. That means that the other speaker…
He sounded a lot more evil on TV. Probably because now, he had no idea he was being overheard. Whatever they had sprayed me with had worn off, but I was still blindfolded and, from the awful taste in my mouth, gagged.
Why I was even here, I wasn't sure, but as the conversation progressed, I figured out that I hadn't been the target- Lea had. Stupid Lea, I thought bitterly, always in the spotlight, aren't you?
I must have moved or made a noise or something, because the next thing I knew, I was being positioned towards something- probably Megamind- and I heard footsteps running to the other side of the room- also probably Megamind.
The blindfold was whipped off, and there he sat. Megamind. Self-proclaimed Master of All Villainy.
And here I sat. Roxanne Ritchie. New kid, reporter, and, apparently, kidnappee.
"Citizen of Metrocity!" Megamind's raised, theatrical voice broke me out of observation mode.
"Quake with fear, for you have just awoken in the clutches of… MEGAMIND!"
It was all I could do to stifle my laughter and keep my eyes positioned on him rather than the heavens. This was the villain everyone was afraid of? He came on more as an actor in a Broadway show. I shook my head in disbelief. That idiot Lea… She must have either been thicker than I thought, or just really, really, really loved attention. Probably the latter. Not even Hal would be scared of this guy.
And "this guy" looked thoroughly confused.
"Wha- Why isn't she screaming, Minion?"
He said this to a person who was apparently right behind and to the immediate left of me. A softer sounding voice replied, one of the same ones I had heard when I first came to. Minion.
"I… I don't know, sir. Perhaps she could provide insight?"
"Yes… Good idea, Minion. You there! Girl! Why are you not screaming and trembling before this most mighty of villains?"
Is he serious? I shot him a glare that clearly said um, I'm wearing a gag smartass. It took a few seconds, but he got it. I think the muffled curses I was throwing at him tipped him off. He motioned for Minion to come around and remove my obstruction- and not a moment too soon. Seriously, had they heard of laundry? Soap? New gags?
As Minion stepped into the light, I gasped- a stupid thing to do, really, as I still had that disgusting rag in my mouth, and all that action accomplished was me getting a nice taste of it. But what else are you supposed to do when a fish in a robotic gorilla suit comes not an inch away from you to remove something from your mouth?
He smiled apologetically, "I'm terribly sorry for this, Miss. Hopefully this little mishap will be behind us soon."
Was he… being nice? He was a henchman. A villainous henchman, no less. Yet here he was, gently undoing the knot that bound my lips and promising to try and fix everything.
Well, okay then.
The knot was finally undone, and I took my first breath of rag-free air. Looking around, I appeared to be in some sort of old warehouse. Typical villain. Seriously, could this get any more clichéd?
"Now, tremble in fear, mindless drone of Metrocity, as you witness the wrath of… MY ROBOT ARMY!"
Yeah it could.
"Seriously? Robot army? Not even a special kind of robot army? Just regular old robots? Wow, supervillain standards must really be slipping..."
He started and looked around, almost as if he didn't know who had just dared to insult him. Come on, keep turning, little more, now look down a bit... here I am!
His facial expression was enough to make me bite my tongue to keep from laughing. If this was all it took to confuse him, I was gonna have a field day with this guy.
"What did you just say?"
His hushed, shocked tone broke me out of my plotting. It sounded like the voice my mother used to use on me, when she knew exactly what I said, but wanted to give me a chance to back out of punishment.
"Well, think about it. Old warehouse, robots, henchman, kidnapping... It all seems kinda done, doesn't it? Really, is this the best you can come up with?"
"You... I... You have no idea just who you're dealing with!"
"No, I'm pretty sure. I certainly can't mistake you for anyone else, can I?"
That seemed to cut deep. He stalked over to a flashing control panel and turned around, glaring at me menacingly.
"Then, if you're so intelligent, let us see how you fare against my instruments of torture! I believe... alligators might be a good place to start!"
The floor dropped away suddenly. I almost screamed, but it died in my throat when I realized I was hanging from the ceiling. How did I not notice that before? Below me, two alligators swam in circles, snapping their jaws and occasionally lunging upward.
"Oh, yeah, alligators. Because that's never been done..."
Chagrined, he turned and pulled another lever, refusing to be beaten. The pit closed up, and I could feel something above me. I didn't dare move my head, because whatever it was was far too close. Looking up as far as I could, I saw something... spinning? PLEASE tell me I wasn't underneath a giant saw.
"How do you like THAT? This saw-" Dang. "- will slice you in half within minutes!"
I faked a yawn. "Yup, real nice, we done here?"
Now he really looked worried. He tried a few more- pull: flamethrower, press: machine gun, spin: ax.
"No, really, are we done yet? You've wasted quite a bit of my time, and not even by at least being an interesting villain. I've got places to go and people to see. Chop chop."
Mouth hanging open in shock, he hemmed and hawed for a bit, then managed to get out, "Interesting villain?"
He sounded like a little kid now. I almost felt sorry for him. I would have, too, had I not been TIED to a CHAIR.
"Yeah, you know... mix it up a little. I started you off by not screaming or cowering. You wanna take it from here?"
"SILENCE, DRONE!"
"...Clearly not."
"I SAID SILENCE! You have yet to face the wrath of my evil legion of robots! When you are about to be destroyed at my hand, you shall know what a TRUE villain is like!"
Oh, boy, back to the grandstanding. "Yeah, mm-hm. Listen, I've gotta meet the movers at five so if we could wrap this up pretty soon...?"
"Evil knows no shedule, Miss... ah... Miss..."
"Ritchie. Roxanne Ritchie."
"Evil knows no shedule, Miss Ritchie!"
"Great! I'm not evil, so let's move it along!"
"You... When I am through with you, you are gonna-"
Megamind's angry rant plus finger shake was interrupted by a booming, heroic voice.
"Megamind! Release that defenseless citizen or face my fists... OF JUSTICE!"
Whoopee. Here comes the hero, who, at this point, was just as cliched as the villain. When I saw him come crashing through the roof with his chiseled muscles and perfect hair, he took home first for predictability. And the white and gold? Please. At least it wasn't blue and red.
Meanwhile, Megamind had bugged out, jumping a foot in the air and landing in a pathetic-looking crouch, hand halfway to his hip, like an old Western. Metro Man flew over to him faster than I had ever thought possible and subdued him at about the same speed. He then untied me (where had Minion gone?), and with me cradled in one arm and Megamind dangling from his other hand, he flew off to the jail. After dropping off Megamind (literally- we never actually landed), he asked me where I lived. Almost in a trance, I gave him directions, and we soon touched down on my apartment balcony.
"Are you alright?" he asked, looking concerned in a totally non-concerned way. I didn't think that was even possible.
"Yeah... Yeah, I'm fine. Thank you for saving me."
"No problem little lady." Really? "Listen, if you ever need help... just give me a call."
He flashed me a dazzling grin and flew off. I slowly walked into my near-empty apartment, flopped onto the first piece of furniture I reached, and started shaking and sobbing. I had been terrified.
Megamind sat, chin in hand, looking even more pensive than usual. The prison was usually a good place to gather his wits, but now he had difficulties stringing together a single coherent thought. It was that girl. Roxanne. She had thrown him completely off his game, leaving him unprepared for Metro Man's arrival. And... she wasn't scared. Not even a little. She hadn't screamed. She hadn't flinched. In fact, she had laughed at him, scorned his ideas and inventions (although, if he were to build some robots that he could give his own stamp to, he wouldn't need to worry about that horrid word anymore... perhaps brawn-bots would be good, combat Metro Man's strength...), and effectively wrecked over a week's worth of planning.
He decided that a change of kidnapping victims was in order.
If you've gotten to this point, thank you so much for sticking through until the end of the story! I have a few more oneshots in mind, so stay tuned!
For those of you who haven't seen The Button of Doom, that's where I got the bit about the word 'robots'. Megamind mispronounces it during the short film, and I wanted to touch on that here.