"Whenever you call", chapter 1.
It was a quiet, sleepy night in the middle of July when Harry decided that he'd had enough. Enough of heart-wrenching guilt, of despair that's never went away, not really.
Every day he woke up feeling an iron fist of reality clenching on his stomach. He couldn't eat, he couldn't even sleep properly. To say the truth, if he wasn't so exhausted from all of the chores the Dursleys assigned him and falling asleep soon after he wouldn't get any sleep at all.
The nightmares weren't helping either.
What was surprising, his bad dreams didn't consist only of that dreadful night in the Department of Mysteries. Sometimes, he dreamed about dementors, their coldness he wished he would never, ever have to feel again. And sometimes… he dreamed about his cupboard.
It was a bit of a mystery to him, how something that has happened years ago would affect him so. Okay, so he still was frightened of cramped spaces. And yes, waking up feeling the spiders walking on your skin, on your mouth and nose and ears weren't particularly pleasant. But he endured it for years and why would it matter now, anyway?
Now, when Sirius was gone (and no, he couldn't say even in the privacy of his own mind that he was dead) and Harry was left alone, again, how could those stupid spider matter at all?
But they did matter and Harry decided that he'd had enough.
So he took a small knife from the kitchen, hid it in the folds of his too big second-handed clothes and went upstairs, like nothing was wrong with the world, like nothing was wrong with him.
He looked at the blade for a long, long time. It was a bit frightening at first, its coldness and sharpness. But after a couple of minutes he got used to it and the knife awoke something in him. Finally, there were feelings inside of him, not only sorrow and guilt and despair, but also excitement and something akin to fear.
But he was trained to confront his fears and so he cut his veins with a bravery he did not feel anymore. There was pain and blood (lots of blood) and why did it have to hurt so much when the only thing he yearned for was to finally rest in peace?
The darkness claimed him but peace was still just a longing of his, nothing more.
The next night was a night of anger.
It appeared he was rescued by none other but Albus Dumbledore.
"Oh Harry, what have you done?", were the first words Harry heard after waking up. "How could you endanger your friends and all of the wizarding world when you know that you are their only hope?".
But Harry felt only grim, bitter anger, because he's never had any hope whatsoever and why should he feel responsible for all those people, anyway? He was a master of his own life and his own life only. If he decided to take it, why wouldn't they just let him?
But Headmaster disagreed and cast spells to ensure that Harry would be unable to try to commit suicide again. Then he told Harry to send letters to his worried friends to calm them down.
Hedwig hooted sadly, just being freed from Dursleys dubious care. The only good thing Dumbledore has done was to free Harry's owl.
Harry clenched his teeth and said nothing. Dumbledore apparently took it as a agreement and left, but not before giving Harry a parchment and a quill. "Write to them, Harry", he said before leaving. "Write to them and apologize and I'm sure they will forgive you, good friends as they are".
So Harry took the quill and started to write, but not to his friends, who never deemed it necessary to contact him after he lost his godfather.
Lord Voldemort,
For all those years I have never understood why you tried to kill me of all people, a helpless child who couldn't be your real enemy at least for a couple of years. But now I know of the prophecy and I think I understand. There was still too much for you to fight for, too much to achieve. You couldn't let a dead threat hang upon your head. So that Halloween night you came and tried to kill me but somehow you were destroyed.
I wish that night has never happened. I wish I've still had parents to love and cherish, not only look at their photos and not know them at all. I wish you were never destroyed, because maybe then you wouldn't hate me so much and wouldn't try to kill me each and every time we met. But because of that blasted prophecy I think you would never just let me live in peace so that's a moot point now. You'll always be after me and that's how it is.
I tried to end it, you know? My life, useless and meaningless as it is. It would save you the trouble, so you should be glad. But unfortunately something happened… Oh screw it. Bloody Albus Dumbledore happened and now I am unable to take my life. Literally unable – Headmaster cast a spell to prevent any upcoming suicide.
So now I am asking you of all people for help.
End it, please. I have no more strength left in me. Once, I thought I have someone in my life who cares but he too has been taken away from me. I'm alone now, living with my relatives who feel for me only hatred and disgust. So you see, how can I remain alive when no one truly wants me to?
For most I am only a weapon. The whole wizarding world relies on me when it comes to fighting you and your Death Eaters. Dumbledore didn't save me out of goodness of his heart, either. He has done it for one purpose and one purpose only: because he needs me to end this war. I live because I'm useful. And I hate every minute of it.
I can only plead for a quick and painless death. You are merciful, I know you are. You offered my mum a way to save her life, to step aside. It wasn't your decision that she didn't. So, would you terribly mind killing me as peacefully, as possible? Please. I'm so tired of hurting.
My address is Number 4, Privet Drive, Little Whinging, Surrey. I know you are the Dark Lord and probably won't have any problems getting inside but I may open the door for you, if you need it.
Sincerely,
Harry Potter
It was weird, how easy for him was to write to his enemy, when he couldn't think of a word he could send to his friends.
Harry hesitated for a moment. Did he really want to send this letter? After this, there will be no going back. He enclosed his address, so if the Dark Lord decides that he would rather kidnap and torture him, Harry wouldn't be able to stop him. His wand has been taken away by his uncle and what's more, he doesn't have any energy left to fight.
There was also a danger of the letter being intercepted by the Order.
"Hedwig, it's important. I need to send a letter to Voldemort and no one else can get it. Fly high, be as quick as possible and don't let yourself be caught", he said to his loyal owl, the only thing he could think of doing to prevent anyone getting this mail. "Please find the Dark Lord, if you can. If not, come back to me. You are my only hope of getting this letter delivered".
Hedwig hooted as she flew away and Harry recognized the direction. The Burrow.
He smiled. He was lucky to have such a smart owl. To anyone observing, Hedwig is flying to his dear friend Ron when in truth she was doing the opposite.
Now the only thing he could to was to wait for an answer.