Tony doesn't sleep. Actually he can't. His mind was too fast for his own good.
Numbers would run behind his eyelids if he tried to sleep. Nights after a hard won battle were his blessing. Getting the team home safe was enough to tire him out enough for 3 hours of sleep. But the days he only had to work in his lab or go to meetings for his company were Tony's nightmares.
Those nights, if he wasn't on a working binge, Tony would wander through the common areas upgrading any equipment he could. Those nights he would sit on the biggest fluffiest couch he could find and just brainstorm ways to make his friends feel more at home in the tower. Those nights were long, just not as long as the nights Tony dreamed.
Tonys dreams were never pleasant, never short nor fantasy. Tony dreamed of his time in captivity, of Obie and his heart out of his chest, of the beatings Howard was so generous to give, of Maria's bloody face, of the nothingness of space…
Tony doesn't sleep. He shuts down when his body is too tired to even rely on pure will.
Bucky doesn't sleep much due to the serum so he just lies awake in his bed most of the night.
He doesn't mind, it gives his mind time, peace and quiet to sort his memories without being bothered. He likes his long nights; they give him a serene set of mind to face the day.
Except when they battle. Bucky hates those nights. He gets too hyped, too full of adrenaline; too many bad memories take over his mind. On those nights Bucky can't sleep. He just huddles on a corner of his room waiting for it to pass flinching at every sound and ready to kill on a minute's notice.
Sometimes he dreams. Sometimes the images he sees during the night are memories, may those be good or bad. Recently Bucky's been able to dream about fantasies, mean less things that have no sense but for him… for Bucky this is such a victory that those dreams leave a sweet taste in his mouth for days on end.
Bucky only sleeps for a few hours a night and he likes it that way. He likes the peace and quiet… or so he tells himself.
It's a bad night for Tony, he made the mistake to dream. This dream was a particular bad one, a mix of his mother's death, Obie and his betrayal and his near death experience in space. He could still feel the cold settling in, the dark creeping on his vision as JARVIS failed to call Pepper for one last goodbye, Obie's maniac laugh and his heart out of his chest as well as the smell of blood and his mother asking him why over and over again. He shuddered and tried not to think that his mother's pleads for why wasn't because he was such a disappointment.
He needs coffee. Lots of it so he won't be able to sleep in the next few years, a goal he's dead set on achieving.
Tony's leaning his hands on the counter and intently staring at the coffee pot while reciting the Pi numbers in his head. Tony's not thinking, at least he's trying not to, so when he hears a sound coming from behind him he acts on instinct. One minute the knife was on the magnetic holder, the next it's soaring straight at the origin of the noise. A loud CLANG was heard when the knife found its target.
"Natasha taught you well" came a smooth Russian voice.
"I learn fast" responded Tony also in Russian.
It was a weird thing that Tony found it helped him calm down when startled. Speak to him in a different language than English. He found it by accident when he was at his wits end and startled easily, so when Natasha just started cursing at him, after one too many jump scares, in a mix of Russian, polish and many other languages he felt himself calm down almost instantly.
After that JARVIS took upon himself to let the rest of the team know that if you startle Tony the first thing out of their mouth should not be in English.
Everyone had their own language: Steve had Italian, Thor and Loki spoke an old kind of Norse, Natasha did a mix, Clint either did sign language or spoke German, Bruce had a butt load of Indian dialects, Vision preferred French and Bucky resorted to Russian.
"Sorry about that" muttered Tony as he turned to keep his vigilance on the coffee pot.
"No biggie. I just wasn't expecting to find anyone up at this hour" Bucky moved to the fridge and rummaged inside "So what are you doing to the coffee making machine? 'Cause last time Loki almost killed us, again, without his coffee. You know much of a princess he can be if he doesn't have what he wants, pretty stupid if you ask me since he could conjure more coffee out of nowhere. If only he stopped being a big baby."
"Oh sugar plum, I'm just making some ambrosia. I have this project I've been working on, and let me tell you, it's my mistress right now"
The smile on Tony's face was as fake as a picture of Steve in high heels but Bucky said nothing about it. Nor did he said anything about his rumpled shirt and sweatpants or his barefoot feet, he didn't mention the redness of his eyes, the shiny tracks on his cheeks or the shaking of his lips as he tried to keep the smile in place. He said nothing as he made his sandwich and filled a glass with energy drink.
"Mind if I tag along? I bought an old bike I wanna restore" it wasn't actually a lie, it just wasn't the whole truth.
The ride down to the workshop was weird. Bucky just ate and stared dead ahead. Tony just nervously chewed on the inside of his cheek and shuffled very slightly on his feet.
"you work barefoot?" Bucky's voice was gruff as he polished what was left of his snack and stepped out of the lift.
Big brown eyes stared at the super soldier's back, then at their owner's feet. Without knowing why Tony felt his willingness to cry increase again. With a weary sigh the genius drug his feet to a nearby storage area and plucked an old worn-down pair of sneakers from a box and put them on.
"Sorry about that. When the mind is occupied the body has a mind of its own." Smile, just smile your way through, thought Tony.
"I know what you mean, believe me."
Tony stared at the assassin assembling everything he needed to take care of his bike and, for the first time that night, felt some warmth creep back into him. Shaking his head, he looked around his workbenches trying to figure out what to do when he spotted it. His baby from last week: a heater. One he was working to spread heat through certain types of structures without damaging it or consuming energy from outside. It was big, time consuming and a pain in his perky ass, in other words it was perfect.
Bucky passed him to get to some tools when his voice rumbled through the workshop again, breaking a bit of Tony's concentration.
"What you workin' on?" his Brooklyn accent was thick, which unsettled Tony. His accent wasn't something that came out much.
"It's a heater" Tony was bent over the machine, his upper body almost fully inside it, making his voice echo a bit "A small boy sent a video to someone thanking Capsicle for saving his home from one threat or another. Turns out the little rascal's house is actually an orphanage, an old one." Tony emerged from the machine, cleaned his hands on a rag, and turned to Bucky, still standing near him with a screwdriver in his flesh hand and his prosthetic one closed tightly in a fist.
"Why not just buy another building and move the kids there?"
"No can do Buckaroo. Throwing money at this one isn't going fly this time around. The kids love it there and the owner thinks they owe us for saving them so we have to be creative. Besides where else besides Brooklyn can kids go play in the streets and feel like the famous Popsicle duo?"
That's when Tony noticed Bucky's stance. He was glaring at the engineer, he was giving out his best death glare which made Tony super uncomfortable. So Tony did what he does best, he talked his way out of a weird situation.
"Look it's not my fault they won't sell or that I can't just tear the building down. I have to work around it 'cause you know laws suck and since it's an old structure you can't damage it at will. But I'm trying here. Winter is coming, and dear Tolkien and Lucas that was such a Stark thing to say, I don't really like kids to get cold or not have the best change or Einstein forbid think low life conditions are the best they're going get. Oh and don't worry it's not my name on this one. I'm going to put the Barton stamp on it, since you know they also take in disabled kids and Barton is overgrown toddler…"
The genius sighed at the end of his little rant daring a last look at the other man. Bucky's shoulders were tense, the tool in hand a mess of metal between his fingers, his hair fell over his eyes and his lips formed a thin line on his face. He was the perfect picture of turmoil.
Silence stretched on for what seemed like eons. Dum-E, U and Butterfingers beeped and chirped somewhere that felt very far away. Machines breathed all around them and still everything felt dead for the heroes.
Suddenly Bucky moved. An arm reached out as he passed Tony. Without wanting to Tony flinched but schooled his features into the calmness he so often wore for the media.
His fear was unfounded when he felt a cold stiff and ruffle his hair. The gesture was nice and caring but the cold fingers evoked memories of his dreams and not so distant experiences…
It was too much. The cold, the empty, the dark all flashed behind his eyes for the mere second the contact lasted. One second was enough. More than enough to make him want to crawl beneath Jarvis' big old desk Tony so religiously kept in his study. To do like when he was 3 and his father's breath was heavy with their bar's contents. To hide in his safe spot and built small circuit boards Howard later sold as his own creations.
Then the hand retracted and Bucky went his merry way back to his bike. Never noticing the panic or the loneliness that crashed over the genius as a chant as old as life itself ran in Tony's mind... Stark men are made of iron…
Not that you could blame the soldier. Hearing about Brooklyn and being happy and safe and taken care of in that particular location gave Bucky too many feelings to deal with. He felt like crying, like dancing, like hugging the daylights out of Tony. Bucky didn't remember much from his previous life, but one thing was always there in the back of his mind. When he lived in Brooklyn, times were hard. Kids would still smile and laugh but fear was always there, hidden in their eyes. Their innocence stolen from a very young age from seeing loved ones shipped off most probably to die and their bodies never found leaving a void never to be filled…like it happened to Bucky and Steve.
So Bucky reeled all his emotions in, petted Tony on his soft curls and went back to his bike.
Both men were unaware of each other's moods as they worked hard pretending to give 100% of their focus to their projects for a few hours.
Tony was almost waist deep in machinery when everything went to hell. Bucky was sitting cross-legged on the floor cleaning a piece of the motor when chaos ensued.
A loud "FUCK" echoed inside the heater as Tony emerged clinging to his left arm. Bucky looked up trying to figure out what was happening when out of nowhere white gooey foam coated his face, hair and clothes. The blue eyed man could only try to clean his eyes as he struggled to see Dum-E's wheels get closer to where Tony was.
Tony saw his simple creation come up to him beeping wildly with the fire extinguisher in its claw.
"Not on fire you moron! Don't you dare." He reprimanded as he backed away from the robot armed with the red cylinder.
Unfortunately for Tony, U zipped behind him in panic making Tony trip and fall flat on his ass back against a workbench making everything on it rattle dangerously. A bottle of oil was ominously close to falling on his head when Butterfingers came to save the day. Its claw extended and grabbed the bottle… only it grabbed and turned it upside down spilling the black liquid over its creator.
Bucky watched amused as the black substance fell all over the, previously, soft curls. Dum-E finally reached Tony and dressed him in a thick coat of white foam.
U, Butterfingers and Dum-E all beeped and chirped and did a weird clawed high five kind of thing for, what they thought, was a job awesomely done.
Bucky got up from his spot, still sticky with foam, when Tony didn't move after a short while. On his way to the mess it was Tony, he snatched a relatively clean rag. He knelt beside him.
"Are you ok?" Bucky asked as he cleaned Tony's eyes as best as he could.
Tony blinked owlishly at Bucky. Being completely honest he didn't know. Tony wanted his safe haven back. Maybe curl inside the pillow fort he and Jarvis so often built when he was a kid. He was lost, dirty and cold, so cold…
Tony never knew when he started trembling or when Bucky started to hug him. He also never knew exactly when he started sobbing.
Bucky was at a loss. In all the time he knew Tony, including his research on him for Hydra, he never saw him like this. So open and vulnerable. Sobs were wracking his frame as Bucky tried his best to calm him down, shushing him and rocking them slightly. But with every sob or pained noise coming from the little body in his arms, Bucky felt another piece of Tony shatter into millions of tiny shards he had no idea how to put back together.
When Bucky felt the sobs subside a bit he looked around assessing the situation with only one easy solution coming to mind.
Without giving himself time to back out of his plan, the assassin gathered Tony in his arms bridal style. As Tony snuggled closer to his chest, Bucky walked them into the elevator asking JARVIS to shut everything down.
"My floor JARVIS" grumbled Bucky watching as Tony's eyes kept losing focus. One of his hands still clutched tight on his shirt the other pressing hard over the arc reactor.
"Sergeant Barnes if I may" the AI spoke as they started their ascent "Sir is not at his prime at present"
"Yeah I noticed"
"I do hope so, else the serum would be in vain for you" Bucky swore he could hear Tony's sarcasm ebbed in that British voice "As I was saying Sergeant, right now Sir is not fully aware of what is happening to him"
Bucky knew where this was going, he felt it in his bones.
"Don't worry. I'm gonna clean him up, calm him down and put him to sleep" at the mention of sleep Tony whimpered.
"I should advise against that Sergeant. Sleep is the last thing Sir needs right now" the feeling of being a child being reprimanded stuck to Bucky like molasses as JARVIS spoke "As for the cleaning part, may I suggest no baths or showers? And before you ask why I ask you why won't you take a trip to the medical bay, Sergeant?"
Buckys jaw clicked shut forcibly so hard it hurt. But he got the message loud and clear. Baths or showers right now were for Tony what doctors were for him or cold was for Steve.
"Stay away from too much water, got it. Anything else?"
"If I have any more to add I shall let you know via miss Potts or Colonel Rhodes." It just wasn't fair that a bunch of circuits could convey a threat so loud and clear it sent a shiver down the assassins back.
Grumbling to himself Bucky stepped out of the lift and walked the bundle of genius to his bathroom.
Tony didn't understand. One minute he was in his lab the next he was being perched on a counter of an unfamiliar bathroom. The in-between was just a blur of voices and a warm body, so warm…
His brain couldn't keep up and for once in his life his mind was as quiet as a full beehive, the most quiet yet.
"Alright doll face here's how it's gonna go down" the voice was soothing and the eyes that accompanied it were soft and full of warmth so Tony tried to focus on them.
Big hands started unlacing his shoes as Tony watched them make the loose knot undone.
"I'm gonna clean you up usin' water" Tony could feel his body tense at that word. No! No water he's not fine enough to deal with that now "Not too much tho" Bucky's voice continued taking his shoes off and gently rubbing his ankle "Just a wet cloth. And if at any time you need me to stop just kick me in the balls or say Barton is the hottest guy you know and you love him"
Without knowing how a chuckle was ripped out of his chest and it was rewarded with a warm smile from the man kneeling before him.
"I'd rather not say anything like that or Barton's head might swell too much for him to crawl in my vents. Not that him not doing that is a bad thing"
"Well I rather not get my balls kicked" Bucky's voice had a tinge of a smile in it as he kept a hand touching Tony the other opening the water tap.
The sound of running water made Tony struggle to strangle a moan. He gripped the counter harder making his knuckles turn white. The need to bolt was rising at an alarming rate. The panic swelling up in his chest. He needed an out.
"So Loki was being a bitch this morning" Bucky kept one hand on Tony's knee as he grabbed a washcloth and started to wet it with his other hand "Well, more of a bitch than normal. You know how he is, the perfect drama queen. Anyway I was in the shooting range and he struts in, 'cause no, that snake doesn't walk he struts, and demands I go watch a movie with him"
As Bucky talks he lets the sink fill with a bit of soapy water and starts to gently clean Tony's hand.
"I swear I thought of shooting him just to make him shut up. He was using that shrieking whiney voice he perfected to make people pity him enough to do what he wants," the cloth was softly cleaning Tony calloused hand as the smooth baritone voice filled the room.
Tony could still hear the water sloshing right next to him every time Bucky rinsed the cloth, feel it running over his skin the excess dripping over him, he still felt uncomfortable, he still wanted to run. But.. Bucky's voice, hands, eyes, gestures, posture… they all screamed safety and Tony was tired, so tired. He tried to be ok on his own but that night he had no strength left to be alone and scared. So Tony focused on Bucky and his story about a bitchy Loki.
Bucky kept talking. Retelling that morning's events. Making sure Tony's mind was as far away from the water as possible. He methodically cleaned Tony's hands feeling the roughness, proof that the man before him was not hiding behind anyone to get any job done, a hands on kind of man. He cleaned Tony's hands and then his arms, telling him about Loki making a mess while attempting to make popcorn even though he could just magically make it. About Loki choosing Harry Potter and complain about the accent.
When Tony's arms were clean and a bit of tenseness left his body Bucky stopped his story and just stared at Tony's face.
Brown eyes found blue ones in a questioning manner. The air stilled around them for a moment as ever so slowly Bucky reached for the bottom of Tony's t-shirt and stilled. Blue eyes detected the hitch on Tony's breath, the uneasiness, the slight fear.
For all the time they've known each other they've never seen each other naked. So Bucky waited. Gave Tony an out. Didn't move as Tony's shaking hand rumpled the front of his shirt right over the arc reactor.
"It's not pretty" a small depreciating smile marring his face "but I'll show you mine if you show me yours"
A flash of hurt crossed Tony's eyes as Bucky's hands retreated from his body only to pull at his own shirt. Bucky tossed the dirty piece of clothing, baring the mass of scars that marred his left shoulder and pectoral. With his metal hand he ruffled his hair making a face when white goo stuck to the metal.
Tony was still clutching his shirt looking at Bucky. Analyzing. Taking in the details. Looking. Seeing…
"It's not supposed to be pretty. It's supposed to be there to remind us not of what we've been through but of what we are fighting for. For what we get up in the morning for" Bucky let those words sink in as, again, he reached for Tony's t-shirt.
Gently he started to lift the piece of oily cloth. Brown eyes closed. Blue eyes assessed the situation.
"Is Barton the hottest guy you know?" he quirked a brow smiling as Tony's eyes shot open and focused on him "or do you suddenly wanna kick my balls?"
Tony giggled for a second. A tiny broken thing followed by a negative shake of the head.
Bucky took that as the invitation he was going to get. He continued to remove the shirt. Bit by bit Tony's chest was uncovered. The blue glow intensified and so did the shaking…
He threw the shirt in the same direction as his own discarded one. Tony wasn't looking at him anymore, the floor the focus of his attention.
Taking the time to take the vision of the man in front of him, Bucky finally wetted the cloth again. He stepped ever so lightly in the space between Tony's knees. Nudged softly to get some more room. Tony didn't even noticed Bucky was so close until metal fingers touched under his chin raising his face.
Bucky smiled softly at him making sure Tony saw the cloth coming.
But it never did.
Bucky tilled as Tony grabbed his wrist, water dripping down both of their hands, wrists, arms. Fire burned behind chocolate eyes, hardened again as if to steel himself for something.
So Bucky waited…
"Why?" came the almost but not really whimper.
Bucky relaxed some more. A smile gracing his face as his metal hand moved its grip on Tony's chin. His hand now cupped the side of his neck ever so lightly, his thumb keeping Tony's chin up.
"I have a soft spot for small guys with big mouths and even bigger hearts. Sue me, you sure got your lawyers."
The joke was rewarded by Tony letting go of his wrist and letting some of his guard down.
The wet cloth made its way finally to his face. Bucky gently cleaned his face. Bucky gently cleaned his cheeks, then his eyes and started on his hair.
"Pepper…" Bucky continued his work giving Tony time to gather his thoughts "Pepper never did this. Not that she didn't try, she did, I just hid in the lab for a few days until all this passed. I mean she tried to get in there… a few times but after a while she gave up, not that I blame her. Wouldn't show up again until I came out myself. After a while you get used to it you know?"
"Did you want her there?"
Words failed Tony so he just nodded slightly not making eye contact.
"Well I ain't Pepper but I'm a good listener and can watch your bots make a mess of ya any time ya want." Tony's eyes became brighter as he bit his lip "Look I know it's hard to deal with the past and all that shit. I speak from experience but it helps to talk, to even be around people. When I arrived here for the first time you and Steve were the only ones that got me. Don't get me wrong, everybody was compassionate and tried to help as much as they could, but it wasn't the same. Steve got me 'cause he knows me, the old and the new one. He was there when it mattered and will always be.. till the end of the line and all that…"
"And I?" Tony's voice was small but he hung on to every word as well as the hand holding his face up.
"you were you" Bucky chuckled "you rightly tried to kill me when you knew what I did. We fought in Siberia and Steve just sent that crappy letter and a cell phone 'cause he's an Idiot with an capital "I"" Tony looked like he wanted to argue always the peace maker but Bucky just barreled through "But then you fought tooth and nail to get us, to get me home. You gave me a roof over my head and food on the table and I couldn't ask for more. I was the one avoiding you, giving you space. But Steve thought it was you, the damned punk, and I swear going into that kitchen and hear you shout at Steve that you weren't mad at me, that I wasn't to blame, that I was your friend… you have no idea what you did for me that day and those that followed. 'Cause you Tony, you gave me freedom and forgiveness. You gave me family, people that I can rely on, that love me. People I can ask for help, you included. So yeah having people there helps even if they say nothing or do nothing…" Bucky finished lamely.
Silence fell over them.
"It hurts…"
"What can I do?"
"It hurts so bad… I don't want to be alone but… but don't I deserve it?" Tears slipped down Tony's face as he spoke "I killed so many people, ruined so many lives, made children orphans, why shouldn't I be hurting? No matter how many things I do to atone for my sins, there's always so many more to atone. It's a never ending cycle but I got used to it. I was ok and could deal with it before, but now? I get one nightmare and I'm a crying mess. Steve was right when we met… without the suit I'm nothing more than a scared billionaire playing with guns. I do everything I can to live with myself so why isn't it enough?"
He was crying now, Tony's fingernails digging into the metal hand on his face. His other hand tugging at his hair as if to tear it off.
Oh so carefully Bucky detached Tony's hand from his hair holding it in his bigger one.
"I know it hurts. I know you feel bad, worse than shit. The whole world is on your back and you let it be there. You think this is the right call but trust me it's not. That weight you so desperately carry by yourself it's not yours. I can't lift all of it but I can promise you I'll carry as much as I'm allowed to. And the rest? You have a family here, on the home you built for all of us. As Nat likes to say, we all have red on our hands but if we share it we can dilute it enough to make us all pink."
Bucky's smile was soft as he cleaned Tony's tears with his metal thumb.
Tony wanted to believe that so bad. That red could turn pink. He didn't even like pink but being honest with himself he would give his hands for a chance at pink. The question was, did he deserve it?
"It won't happen overnight" Bucky continued "There will be good days and there will be bad days. But if you allow me I would like to turn our red marks into pink. 'Cause of all of us here, you're the one that deserved it the most Anthony."
Tony surged forward and grabbed Bucky around his chest holding tight, sobs racking his chest as he desperately nodded yes.
"It's ok doll. I'm here" Bucky kissed Tony's hair as he hugged him, made him feel safe, made it ok to be human for a change.
Tony was on Bucky's bed looking at the clean clothes he eventually had to put on. His eyes still felt raw after so much crying but despite that he felt lighter.
He turned his eyes to his hands on top of the duvet half expecting them to be a lighter shade of red.
It was weird. In the last few hours he went from "fine" to a mess to being babied and now he's being taken care of. He now had someone that he could go to without feeling bad. Someone who took care of him no questions asked. And he could do the same for Bucky. They were there for each other.
A small smile grew on Tony's face as he put on the borrowed clothes from Bucky.
Taking a deep breath Tony walked barefooted and drowning in clothes to the living room where Bucky was already waiting for him with a steaming mug of hot cocoa.
"Mom's special recipe with future twists." Smiled the assassin as he pushed the mug across the coffee table.
Tony's heart tugged painfully in his chest. Even Pepper and Rhodey forgot about this quirk of his from time to time. And here was Bucky, all charm and cozy sweat pants and t-shirt remembering that not so small detail about him.
Pushing down his feelings for the moment he sat next to Bucky on the couch and sipped the sweetness that invaded his mouth.
"James I need the recipe. I think you liquefied sex. And I know about sex. You made sex into a drink. And we're going to get rich selling it. Well you are I'm already richer than Scrooge McDuck."
"No can do hun" Bucky laughed draping an arm around Tony's small frame "family secret."
"Ah boo you're no fun."
Bucky would never admit it but that adorable pout could get him to do anything. Still he remained tough, smiling softly watching Tony gulp down the rich drink.
When he was finished Bucky took the mug from him.
"I know you really don't like to share but JARVIS told me about you not wanting to sleep" Bucky wasn't trying to look at Tony but he surely saw his jaw tense and his eyes zeroing on the carpeted floor "I'm not gonna force you to sleep 'cause even if you don't act like one you're an adult but you need human contact".
A bugged eye Tony looked at Bucky silently asking for answers.
"I know the signs Anthony, I was there and the way you soak up any and all touches but don't ask or initiate them… you're almost as bad as I was after Winter." Tony couldn't understand why Bucky looked so sad "when was the last time someone just held you, not a hug but held you just so you hear the other person breath, exist?"
Tony thought about it. He really did and for the life of him he couldn't remember. Sure people hugged him, well Pepper and Rhodey did, but they were away a lot. Oh Clint patted him on the back the other day and Bruce put his feet on Tony's lap last movie night.
"That doesn't count Tony" Tony didn't know he was talking out loud.
"Then the last time it would be right after I started dating Pepper I guess."
The look Bucky gave Tony made his skin crawl. Somehow Tony felt like he failed him, like when Howard looked at his first circuit board he built at age 4. He most definitely did not like that look.
"I'm sorry"
"No Tony. Never apologize for that" the hug was warm and safe as was Bucky's voice "It's not your fault. We'll fix this I promise."
Tony held onto him. He kept holding on as Bucky put a movie on. As Bucky rearranged them on the couch leaning back with Tony on his chest and in between his legs. As metal fingers combed through his somewhat still dirty hair. As a warm hand splayed over his back. As he fell asleep tucked away with a warm blanket over his back and Bucky's caresses. As he felt warm and safe and dare he even say…
Loved.
Bucky woke up startled.
Bad dream, home, safe.
Bucky took a few minutes to assimilate what the sane part of his brain was whispering to the loud hysterical panicky part of him.
His right hand shot up to grab at his left shoulder. It hurt like a bitch. Tony fixed it, it shouldn't hurt anymore.
Tony…
He needed Tony. Throwing the blankets still entangled with his legs to the side, Bucky jumped out of the bed. He needed to find Tony.
Forgoing the elevator Bucky flew over the stairs straight to the penthouse. The panel for bio-identification glared at him under the soft emergency lights.
The same fear that struck him for the last couple of months assaulted him once again. What if Tony revoked his accesse?
It was stupid to think so. He knew it but the fear was still there every time he reached the same panel.
For the last couple of months both Tony and Bucky sought out comfort in each other like they promised. It was more often that Bucky woke up to Tony curled next to him using his bicep as a pillow than not. Some mornings Bucky could still see the tear marks from the night before. Some mornings he had Tony half on top of him leg thrown over him feeling warm and safe. He liked those mornings.
Other nights he was the one in need of comfort looking for Tony. Tears shinning in his eyes as Tony did everything to make him feel better. Tony's hugs were the best. Tony's stories were the most comforting. Tony's smiles were the death of him.
So Bucky looked again at the panel and with his flesh hand trembling reached to it. He closed his eyes as his biometrics were read and sagged in relief when the door opened before him.
He stepped inside with soft music drifting to him, pulling him in.
Piano.
He knew Tony played a lot of instruments. He said do himself once upon a sleepless night they shared but never shared that talent with any Avenger in fear of looking too much like a spoiled brat.
The sight of the living room floored him. The moonlight lit up the whole space making shadows dance at the rhythm of Tony's fingers flying over the keyboard of the grand piano.
A crystal bottle and glass shone on top of the instrument making Bucky frown in confusion. Tony was trying to give up drinking he wasn't supposed to have booze. But as he got closer he noticed the bottle was unopened and the glass only contents were melting ice that ever so often clinked.
"You weren't supposed to hear this" Tony never turned around or faltered on his music.
Notes of nostalgia and pain washed over Bucky as a small smile graced his face. He got closer and sat next to Tony in the bench back towards the piano.
"Don't really get why. You play beautifully"
Without looking Bucky knew Tony was smiling. The music was soft and a bit sad as if it was in memories of better time, as if it spoke of getting to a better place after a missed opportunity. Without thinking Bucky rested his head on Tony's shoulder and let the music wash away the sadness of the night.
It was quiet and comforting and warm… just what Bucky needed. That was what was offered to him and he didn't dare to ask for more. Even though that's what his heart screamed at him louder and louder every time he and Tony shared a moment, any moment really.
Silence drifted as the last melodic notes faded in the moonlight. A clink from the ice was heard loud as thunder and Bucky felt a surge of courage for a second. Only enough to ask for one thing…
"Sing for me?"
Tony shuddered and tensed, moved a bit in his seat never dislodging Bucky from his resting place on his shoulder. His fingers hovered over the keyboard for an eternity until soft notes started to fill the air.
"You're alone, you're on your own, so what?
Have you gone blind?
Have you forgotten what you have and what is yours?
Glass half empty, glass half full
Well either way you won't be going thirsty
Count your blessings not your flaws"
Bucky let the music wash over him like a bucket of ice cold water. Tensing he waited to hear more, scared of what to come.
"You've got it all
You lost your mind in the sound
There's so much more
You can reclaim your crown
You're in control
Rid of the monster inside your head
Put all your faults to bed
You can be king again"
Bucky gasped. His grip on the bench so much tighter than it should. Those words... So much like the ones he whispered every night they shared a bed just trying to calm down Tony. Thing is, Tony had no idea Bucky never spoke those words as only a friend. Truth be told Bucky's heart always whispered words of comfort out of love.
As Tony agile fingers danced, Bucky's heart was about to fail him, serum or no. Dare he think the forbidden thought and suffer a heart attack? Death by Tony… not a bad way to go
"You don't get what this is about
You're too wrapped up in yourself doubt
You've got that young blood set it free"
Bucky dared not to take those words as Tony's own, it just wasn't true.
His eyes started to get prickly again. His heart was hammering in his chest. His eyes unfocused. His mind swirling with thoughts of Tony's beautiful voice ushering those forbidden words.
"You've got it all
You lost your mind in the sound
There's so much more
You can reclaim your crown
You're in control
Rid of the monster inside your head
Put all your faults to bed
You can be king again"
Bucky was losing it. This was just a dream, it had to be. The beautiful music and it's oh so fitting lyrics were just his brain playing tricks on him. God must really hate him to torture him like this.
"There's method in my madness
There's no logic in your sadness
You don't gain a single thing from misery
Take it from me"
A single tear ran down Bucky's face landing on Tony's shoulder where his head still rested. He was shaking. It couldn't be Tony his voice was too steady.
Bucky's thoughts were a mess…
He was a mess…
But one thing was sure. Words he never thought he would speak out loud were furiously bubbling up.
He was going to say them. No matter the outcome.
"You've got it all
You lost your mind in the sound
There's so much more
You can reclaim your crown"
He was…
"You're in control
Rid of the monster inside your head
Put all your faults to bed
You can be king"
… no matter the outcome. He was brave because of Tony. He was…
"You've got it all
You lost your mind in the sound
There's so much more
You can reclaim your crown
You're in control
Rid of the monster inside your head
Put all your faults to bed
You can be king again"
The last music notes drifted onto the soft night as Bucky filled his lungs as if for the first time.
Straitening up he never saw Tony shiver or his trembling hands. Looking at the genius' profile he ushered those dreaded heavy words…
"I love you."
Tony's silence was scary but he braved through.
"I love you." He stated with more conviction.
Tony's bottom lip was trembling as Bucky waited for a soft let down.
"Never let it be said Tomy Stark never speaks his mind" eyes filled with tears bored straight into Bucky's "That music… I have this thing that every time someone asks me to sing for them I sing the music I know fits them best. But tonight I was selfish" a tear slid down his face only to be caught by Bucky's gentle fingers "I sang for us and not you. I really fucking love you" despite the tears Tony's smile never seemed brighter.
Bucky surged forward and caught Tony's lips with his own. Long forgotten was his nightmares and fears. His mind filled with all those thoughts of Tony. Simple fantasies he tought he could never be able to fulfill. But now… he could wake up with Tony making coffee or right next to him. Cuddle him during movie nights. Kiss. Touch. Feel.
And how he wanted to feel. Trace his scars on his chest with his lips and rewrite memories for them. Maybe teach Tony to love his body and mind once again.
Finally out of breath, on Tony's part (sorry we can't all be super soldiers), they separated.
"I can hear you think" chuckled Tony holding Bucky's face in his hands as if he was holding his whole world.
"I was thinking of all the things I want to you" Bucky never saw Tony blush like that before, an evil plan already forming in his mind's eye.
"Bedroom's that way soldier" Tony whispered pointing to a familiar hallway.
That was as much as much as an invitation as Bucky was likely to get. He stood up and hoisted Tony over his shoulder.
Buky's heart was definitely going to burst if it kept beating so hard. Tony was laughing. They were kissing and if Tony would allow it he would go to a bed with Tony in it. Unable to control himself Bucky threw Tony onto the bed.
"Careful frosty. I'm precious cargo" that laugh was more beautiful than any music Tony eve played, Bucky was sure,
"Oh you have no idea" Bucky reached to the hem of his shirt ready to take it off.
"Wait!" Tony knee walked to be in front of Bucky "Can I?" he asked raising a bit on his knees reaching for the fabric.
Bucky let go of the cloth smilling softly at the genius encouraging and helping him along.
"Sit against the head board?" Tony's voice was soft and so different from his daily one that Bucky never wanted to share it.
The assassin was just getting comfortable when Tony settled on his lap.
"Hello soldier are you that happy to see me?" then he burst out laughing "You have no idea how long I've been sitting on that one"
"Honey after you sit on that you won't be able to sit again for a week."
"I'm up for a challenge. Just don't pin me to the bed or under you" and there was the insecure Tony Bucky had the privilege to know.
"I won't, I promise" Bucky's warm hand caressed his face as he smiled softly "but if I do anything you don't like just kick me in the nuts or say Barton is sexy"
Tony never recalled laughing during sex. But there he was filling the lap of a super hot super soldier.
Tony never recalled having his clothes taken from his body so fast but still so gently, every bit of his exposed skin kissed and caressed enough to make him want to cry.
Tony never recalled crying during sex. The overexposure to such blatant display of love made him cry, only to have Bucky kiss those tears away ushering sweet nothings to him while just holding him, uncaring about his own burning desire.
Tony never recalled desiring someone so much. His hips never stopped undulating as he kissed and caressed Bucky wanting to feel him deeper, wanting him to feel even better than himself. He kissed Bucky's face, ran his fingers through his long hair, and caressed his scars on the shoulder. Bucky was no better littering his lover's body with marks, holding him close, stroking his cock in time with his hypnotizing movement of hips.
Tony never recalled coming so hard. He was taken by surprise. He shouted as he came thick white ropes dirtying his lovers hand that never ceased its movement until oversensitivity won. Tony didn't stop though. While still shaking and feeling a bit like gelatin he kept on giving pleasure making sure Bucky was enjoying it.
Tony never recalled feeling so loved. They were sweaty and stank of sex and in a desperate need of a shower. Too bad they were so comfortable cuddling and just touching each other.
Tony never recalled making love, but later after a warm shower and a lot more kissing and touches Tony realized that that was the first time he actually made love to someone. He blushed looking at Bucky half asleep under him who smiled a sleep marred smile kissing his cheek and going back to sleep.
Tony never recalled feeling so loved and safe but he was now, all thanks to Bucky. With a whispered "I love you" to his lover he snuggled closer to his lover and closed his eyes thanking any and everything out there that put Bucky in his path.