Bud and Bloom

SUMMARY: After losing the Y-Data, MOMO fears she lost her reason for existing. Not even Jr. or Ziggy can save MOMO from this emotional suffering, but there is one person capable of helping MOMO save herself. Sakura won't let her little sister fall.

GENRE: Angst/Hurt/Comfort
RATED: G / K
COPYRIGHT NOTE: I don't own Xenosaga, or the theme "Sweet Song" from Xenosaga: Episode II, from which this story's title/inspiration was derived.
STORY TAKES PLACE IN: Post recap of Xenosaga: Episode II – Jenseits von Gut und Böse
POV NOTE: This story is entirely in MOMO's first-person perspective

COMMENTS: Yes, after my half-year hiatus, I'm alive (and still as Xenosaga-obsessed as ever)! MOMO and Sakura stories don't seem to be common in this fandom, so here's my little contribution. FYI: Much of this one-shot is interpretive and canon-bendy on my behalf, so dub this AUish if you like. When writing about two sisters who've never physically met, and are both similar and different all at once, creative liberties are tough to avoid.

I certainly hope you'll enjoy this short story!

Bud and Bloom

Aiselne Nocturnus

"Open your eyes, MOMO."

One year ago…

Honestly, I don't remember much of what happened that day. It's strange, too, because Observational Realian memory is state-of-the-art, although we can have occasional malfunctions. But more importantly, in some ways, I don't want to remember, either. The incident that happened on that fateful day…it wasn't the most pleasant of milestones in my life. That day isn't a memory my mother, my friends, and I typically recall with jubilant smiles on our faces, either. Discreetly, Mommy and the SOCE simply remember that day as "the incident at the U.M.N. Control Center."

It wasn't the first time I needed to be rescued. Being the 100-Series Prototype encoded with Joachim Mizrahi's coveted Y-Data, it was only natural for me to be a target. That never meant I ran away from danger, though it often seemed like whatever I did to defend myself rarely succeeded. On the day of the "incident," I did the best I could to help everybody, even though my abilities were limited. Ever since Ziggy rescued me from planet Pleroma and we met so many friends, it always seemed like everyone was forced to rescue me. I was the poor little damsel in distress. This isn't to say I'm unappreciative of my friends' protection, because I know there's no way I could ever properly thank everyone for their unending kindness. If anything, I just wanted to return their favors: to assist everyone in every way I could, not to be a hero or damsel but to be my friends' utmost support.

Instead on that day, I was relegated to being the damsel whether I liked it or not. Funny, isn't it? But at the time of the incident on Second Miltia, everything happened so fast. Too fast. I wasn't the only person caught off-guard by Albedo's trap, either, and I know his attack wasn't my fault. Still…I wanted to help, yet everything backfired. All I could really do was desperately focus whatever remained of my thoughts and my memories.

No. Not my thoughts and my memories…our thoughts and our memories.

Everything hurt so much, more emotionally than physically. There are countless technical terms, algorithms, and jargon to explain Realian psychology, but I doubt any of them could fully describe the magnitude of what I felt on that day. Even I, a 100-Series Observational Realian, cannot fully explain. All I do know is that what I felt cut so deeply, and I don't wish that type of pain on anyone.

My soul felt robbed.

Of course, I realize some pessimistic people will claim we Realians don't even have "souls." You wouldn't believe some of the cruel, Realian-prejudice words I heard while imprisoned on Pleroma. Even with the Miltian Charter, there are still plenty of people who fail to respect Realian rights and dignity. Do Realians truly have souls? Well, I'm a Realian myself, so my answer is always "yes," but I've met several acquaintances that beg to differ.

Whatever the case, during the Control Center incident, it felt like the very essence of my life had been tarnished. Honestly, it felt worse than the hacking attempt in the Song of Nephilim. It's odd how spiritual pain can sometimes hurt more than physical pain.

So much pain, so alone…it's easy for someone to hallucinate. Just like humans, Realians can suffer mental breakdowns, proven during the Miltian Conflict. But I know my sanity survived that day on Second Miltia, even if my mind was completely fragmented. Realian specialists would claim I was "brain-dead" after deleting my own memory, and yet my mind survived. Humans have "out-of-body experiences" and can hallucinate during similar trauma. But I know I wasn't brain-dead, nor was I just seeing fabrications to comfort myself. No. Deep inside, I know what really happened.

For a brief moment, I know I felt her presence.

Sakura.

It's strange, and a little sad, for me to admit that I didn't know very much about my late sister, even though I was originally constructed for her consciousness. Mommy never liked to talk about Sakura, and I never met Daddy. Thinking back on it, I do find it strange how my databanks were filled with countless information, yet when it came to Sakura I was quite naïve. Maybe Daddy, or even Mommy, had something to do with that; program me without a large amount of preexisting knowledge pertaining to Sakura. Maybe it was an indirect way for my parents to spare me the pain attached to Sakura's tragedy. Or, maybe it was just so my parents could spare themselves from pain. Or…perhaps they wanted to start anew with their second daughter. I like to believe the last option, even though the second-to-last option is probably truer. I can't say I'd blame my parents, either.

Originally, most of the information I knew about Sakura had been collected through secondhand rumors. Sakura's consciousness supposedly faded into the U.M.N. shortly before my body's activation. Instead, my consciousness awoke, different from Sakura. Everyone believed that my consciousness was "born" once Sakura's consciousness "died." Like humans, Realians accept the cycle of life and death: something old must die so something new may be born. For the longest time, I also believed this theory, both regarding life and death, and regarding my older sister's passing.

But then came the day of the incident at the U.M.N. Control Center. That day, I learned many things about my older sibling, and about myself. Most of all, I learned that all the rumors I heard were completely false. Sakura did die, but it was only in a physical sense. My consciousness may have been born, but Sakura's never absolutely died. Realians can undergo denial, but believe me, there was no doubt in my mind about Sakura. I knew, because…

…Because she was there.

That horrifying day on Second Miltia, Sakura was at my side, encouraging her sister to be strong. Not in a physical sense, of course. Technically during the Y-Data's breach, there was little physical action anyone could've taken to help me, anyway. Everything happened in my subconscious, naturally where Daddy's Y-Data was hidden. My subconscious was the vault of my family's legacy, a vault that was cracked once the data leaked. Truly, something cracked inside me, maybe literal, but mostly emotional.

I was scared; more scared than I ever felt before in my life. Sakura understood. However, she also wanted me to be strong: strong for myself, and strong for her, for Mommy, for Daddy, and for…

"I'll always keep you safe."

During the incident, although I couldn't physically do much, I did hear occasional voices reaching out to me. They were definitely not hallucinations. Bits and pieces of words and phrases had scattered like my fragmented mind. I was never able to decipher what words came from inside the Encephalon or outside. Countless words scrambled inside my mind like a whirlwind, and even now I can only recall slivers.

Determined words: "I will save her!"

Sympathetic words: "MOMO…"

Frightening words: "Pêche."

Reassuring words: "Don't worry."

Ironically, not all of the garbled words I heard were directed at me, either.

"…My mother…sister…look after them for me…okay?"

One way or another, Sakura's memories had always been a part of me. They never "died," and they never really faded or disappeared, either. Like the Y-Data, her consciousness had always been inside me, and it just needed to be accessed and activated. In a way, it makes me wonder which was more precious: the Y-Data, or Sakura's memories. A combination of both, maybe? Either way, it wasn't until that day that I fully understood what kind of responsibility, and honor, Sakura's memories bestowed upon me.

But when the Y-Data leaked, I didn't feel any honor at first. In fact, I felt just the opposite. Originally, I believed my only duties were to protect Daddy's Y-Data. But then that incident at the U.M.N. Control Center happened. The Y-Data was stolen, gone, and I felt empty.

However, my emptiness wasn't entirely credited to the Y-Data being drained from my data banks. Realians of all models undergo various malfunctions throughout their lives, and 87% of small-scale malfunctions are easily fixable. If "lost data" were my biggest problem, I could accept it as a technical issue. Something as simple as that could be easily rectified at the U.M.N. Control Center, or back at the Mizrahi lab on Fifth Jerusalem. The problem would be resolved in an hour or two, and then Mommy and I would return home and go about our daily routines.

Sadly, losing the Y-Data was much more than a simple data leak. To Mommy, to the SOCE, to the Second Miltian Government, and to everyone else, losing the Y-Data was catastrophic. Like everybody, I feared the horrible things Albedo and the U-TIC Organization would do once they acquired the Key to Old Miltia. I never forgot about the Original Zohar, either, which became fair game thanks to the Y-Data's theft. And now that one year has passed, I can honestly say that the loss of the Y-Data yielded the loss of Old Miltia…and many other lives.

Daddy would be sad. I know he wasn't perfect, but he wasn't nearly as mad and cruel as people claimed thanks to U-TIC making him their scapegoat. Daddy was trying to prevent the very events that happened after the Y-Data's loss. That was why he entrusted his data to me, and…I failed. Losing the Y-Data was shattering for everyone, but I felt that shatter on a more personal level.

Technically speaking, the reason for my existence had just slipped through my fingers. I failed Daddy, though I know he would never hold it against me. He would probably just smile understandingly, knowing I did my best to delay the inevitable, just as he tried to do. True, I never met Daddy, so I can't say for certain how he might react. Is it naïve of me to assume his compassion? His love?

But even if Daddy still loved me, without the Y-Data, it became difficult for me to love myself. I began to wonder if others would care about me, now that I had no reason to be protected and valued anymore. I liked to think I was strong enough to protect myself, but I didn't want to be alone, either. Would I be alone and forgotten once the Y-Data was gone? The acclaimed 100-Series Observational Realian Prototype was valued for containing Joachim Mizrahi's Y-Data. Without that data, I held no value. What good was I without Daddy's legacy? What other reason was there for me to live?

Sakura remembered the answer.

"…Um…okay…your sister…I'll look after her…like she was my own."

I know Daddy loved me, and I know Mommy loves me, too. But Sakura was different. She and I never met, at least in a face-to-face physical sense. We never spent time together as typical sisters. Sakura and I never played together, shopped, stayed up late to chat about boys, or kept sisterly secrets from Mommy and Daddy. She was my big sister, too, and I was never able to seek Sakura for advice or comfort, the way younger siblings often seek older siblings. Whenever Mommy avoided me in the past, I did feel the need for a hug or a shoulder to lean on. I'm sure Sakura would've provided comfort, if she could.

Then again, Sakura did provide me comfort. In fact, she gave me something better, something more meaningful, and something longer-lasting than a simple hug.

Even though Sakura and I never shared a stereotypical relationship, that never meant Sakura cared less about me. Just the opposite, Sakura ensured I could live a happy life. My big sister wanted me to have the life she could never have, and to share that life with the people she trusted and loved the most.

"My mother and sister…I want you to look after them for me…okay?"

To this day, I'm not entirely sure if Sakura presumed she would die young. That aspect of her memories is vague even for me, though maybe Sakura herself was unsure about her fate. She was only human, after all. If a technologically-advanced Realian fails to understand fate, then an ordinary human can't be expected to understand, either. Probably, the only entities that do understand fate are gods, but Realians' conception of "God" is just as vague as humans', so even I'm uncertain.

Whatever the case, I don't consider my sister foolish or selfish. If Sakura knew she would die, she must have known that I wouldn't be the only person left behind. She wished me nothing but happiness, but Sakura also wished happiness upon our parents, and also upon…

"…Promise?"

"Of course! Leave it to me–!"

Jr.

Ever since that terrible day one year ago, I've constantly thought about that static memory: Rubedo's promise to Sakura. A part of me felt sad, knowing there was such promise for the young couple, yet Sakura died before anything could blossom past puppy love. Every time I recall that memory, I feel a swelling ache inside my chest; my own empathy mixed with Sakura's bittersweet feelings. And while I love my sister, Sakura is not the only person I pity when recalling that fateful summertime promise.

Jr. means so much to me. Really, I can't fully explain what I feel for him, which is weird, and maybe a little oxymoronic, for an Observational Realian. But I know he makes me happy, and that's more than enough. Considering everything Jr. does for me, and everything he's gone through in the past, I wish him nothing but happiness. To me, it doesn't seem fair that Jr. strives to make me happy while I don't reciprocate. Knowing Jr., he probably sees it as atonement for his past wrongdoings.

I'm not ignorant to Rubedo's past, including his good and his bad memories. But that doesn't mean I consider Jr. to be a terrible person. Sakura was not ignorant, and she never considered Rubedo to be a terrible person, either. She and I know different sides of the red-haired U.R.T.V.: Sakura knew the Rubedo of the past, and I know the Jr. of the present. We hope to know the Jr. of the future, too. In many ways, Rubedo and Jr. are just as different as they are similar.

That's why felt torn apart when I first saw the memory of Rubedo's promise to Sakura. Even now, I feel my eyes prick with tears when I recall the youthful light in Rubedo's sapphire eyes. At heart, Jr. really was an innocent little boy back then, and he clearly loved my sister. I'm not saying the love Sakura and Rubedo shared was identical to Mommy and Daddy's relationship, of course. Still, there's no doubt in my mind that Rubedo deeply and unconditionally cared about my older sister. I can't, and I don't want to, imagine the devastation and heartbreak Rubedo felt when Sakura died. To me, it never seemed fair that Sakura and Rubedo's relationship was so heartfelt, yet so short-lived.

Ironically, I have a feeling Sakura would not feel resentful over her relationship being cut short. Instead, she would probably just say, "It wasn't meant to be." Come to think of it, I can picture Jr. saying that, too.

I wish I could've been by Jr.'s side during the U.M.N. Center's Encephalon dive. Spiritually, I was with Jr., helping him, Ziggy, Shion, and all the others as best as I could. However, I wanted to be literally by Jr.'s side, too, just like that time we dove into KOS-MOS' subconscious and witnessed the Miltian Conflict. Sadly, even back then, I don't think my presence soothed Jr. His past memories are sensitive subjects for understandable reasons. Furthermore, the memories Jr. re-experienced in my and Sakura's subconscious were probably more tender than the memories we saw in KOS-MOS' domain. During the Control Center dive, my attendance would have only escalated Jr.'s anxieties, wouldn't they? Sometimes, I do get the impression my presence triggers bad memories for Jr. and Mommy. They do their best to ignore and accept the memories, but I suppose pain is still pain, no matter how one looks at it.

That's why I fulfill Daddy's wishes. He didn't make me just so I could carry the Y-Data. If Daddy wanted a plain old receptacle for the Y-Data, I would be no different than the countless databank systems used across the U.M.N. Instead, I have a body, I have a personality, and I even have feelings.

It was shattering to hear my heart be categorized as an "optional function." However, if that were the case, then why did I feel my so-called "heart" ache when the Y-Data was stolen? By then, my entire body had shut down, including my optional functions. Yet somehow, I still felt pain, I still felt emptiness, I still felt fear, and I still felt sorrow. If my body were inoperative, and if my feelings were artificial, then "the incident at the U.M.N. Control Center" would not have been the most monumental moment of my life.

"Soon…you will be born…you must do…good deeds."

Daddy wanted me to be something more than the Y-Data's storage. My duty was to protect my father's legacy, and do righteous deeds. It's just that, when the Y-Data was initially stolen, I needed someone to remind me that I still had a purpose.

"MOMO…"

When I fell into hopelessness, Sakura caught me, just like a big sister would do.

Sometimes, when faced with despair, people need to be reminded that they have reasons for existing. We Realians are no different. Sakura helped me realize that I was special to her and to so many people. The Y-Data was gone, but that did not mean I was worthless. As long as a person is loved, they can never be called valueless.

"Ah…the untainted flower refuses to bloom. Well now…my beautiful pêche…bud and open yourself to me!"

I was scared that day. In fact, to say I was "scared" was an understatement. I had never been so terrified before in my life, not even when I was originally abducted and taken to the Song of Nephilim. Like water, Daddy's Y-Data drained from my body. Helpless…emptied…I just wanted to give up. I had never felt so pessimistic before in my life. Negativity is not a part of me, or at least, I don't want it to be a part of me. Yet, it was so difficult not to give up when I felt the reason for my existence drain out of me.

"MOMO…don't give up."

But…you wouldn't let me give up, would you, Sakura?

"Open your eyes, MOMO."

My eyes opened. I remember being curled in a ball, alone, drained, cold, and scared. Nothingness as far as my eyes and sensors could scan; the furthest black recesses of one's consciousness. The darkness that enveloped me mirrored the disturbing Song of Nephilim. Only this time, nobody, neither benevolent nor malevolent, was nearby…or so I thought. Nobody wants to be alone in a dark world of oblivion. But having lost Daddy's precious Y-Data, I wasn't sure if I had the right to leave this prison. I wasn't sure if I was strong enough to leave and face the outside world.

"MOMO."

But then she emerged from the darkness; radiant like the guardian angel she was to me. An unknown breeze faintly combed her pristine white dress and chestnut hair. Amber eyes met emeralds, eyes I had only known via limited photos and memories but never through firsthand experience. My older sister is even prettier in person, especially her gentle smile. I knew what her smile meant, though. She didn't want me to stay in this cold prison. She wanted me to leave and be with the people we both loved so very much. Sakura wanted me to be happy.

"I believe in you, MOMO. Rubedo believes in you. He's always with you."

I'm ashamed to admit that at the time, I was too scared to understand what Sakura meant by Jr. always being with me. Jr. is a faithful guardian, but there were several occasions when he was not with me, often through no fault of his own. And though I did not like to be fatalistic, I refused to be idealistic, too. To say Jr. would "always" be with me felt exaggeratory. Jr. is only human and he cannot do everything, even if he says or thinks otherwise. Plus, it's cruel of me to pile extra weight on his shoulders, especially since he tends to burden himself more than necessary. There was bound to come a time when Jr. would no longer be able to do everything or remain by my side. Then what would I do? Wallow in loneliness and despair forever and ever?

Sakura would not allow it.

"Get up, MOMO."

I only hesitated for a second before accepting the small hand she offered me. A silver bangle elegantly dangled against her wrist, jingling against my own bracelet. Only for a second did Sakura's eyes lovingly admire my bullet charm, knowing the giver was taking precious care of her little sister.

And then Sakura looked back at me, gently pulling my hand to help me rise to my wobbly feet. Nothing but sweetness emanated from her presence, her skin so soft and her smile the warmest. Our identical fingers laced, while Sakura's free hand brushed a few pink locks out of my glassy golden eyes. After losing my family's legacy, did I deserve a reward? I always wanted to meet my late sister, and like a granted wish, there she stood before my eyes and holding my hand. Strangely, no matter how warm Sakura felt, she also felt…familiar.

We never met before, and yet, we had always been together.

"MOMO."

Over the years, I had been given so many names: the 100-Series Prototype, Realian, Miss Mizrahi, pêche, copy, doll…but never before had anyone called me…

"Baby sister."

I couldn't help but screw my eyes shut, pursing my lips and leaning into my sister's chest. All I wanted to do was call her "Big sis," but my voice was too broken and the words failed to come out coherently. Nevertheless, Sakura understood. She always seemed to understand, knowing me better than I knew myself. Holding me, Sakura stroked my hair, wiped my eyes, and even rocked me a little, something not even Mommy or Daddy did for me. Whenever I whimpered, she hummed sweetly into my ear until I calmed. She was my cherry-scented security blanket; inviting, warm, and eternally there for me. Better than a blanket, she was my sister.

"Shhh. I'm here. Always. Close your eyes and return home. Mom, Rubedo, and everyone else are waiting for you. Be strong, MOMO."

I needed everyone else, but…I couldn't be selfish. I didn't want to be selfish. Daddy wanted me to do good deeds, and good deeds are selfless. After all, I was more than just the Y-Data's vessel. Although I felt emptied when the data was stolen, I also realized the gap left inside of me could always be filled. Never again would anything like the Y-Data fill my void, but nobody ever said data had to fill it. Someday, maybe something, or maybe someone, would bring me greater fulfillment than the Y-Data could ever offer.

"Open your eyes, MOMO. We believe in you."

Sakura.

"MOMO? MOMO! Can you hear me? Can you open your eyes?"

My eyes opened again. Out of the darkness, my eyes squinted against the bright beams of overhead light fixtures of an examining room. Second Miltia's U.M.N. Control Center mandated an analysis of my body following the Y-Data's hacking. Several analysts chattered in the background, but my attention focused on the people aside my examination bed.

Mommy held my right hand, Ziggy's humanoid palm on her shoulder. Both had rarely shown me an inordinate amount of emotion since I knew them. But that day, never before had I seen either adult look so relieved and happy, smiling fraternally at me. Me, the one who lost the Y-Data. Me, the daughter who replaced another. Me, the Realian who always needed rescuing. But nobody held any of those charges against me, the girl whom everyone was just utterly relieved to see safe and sound. Shion and the others were in the background, everyone watching over me like always. Only this time, I didn't feel like a damsel. I just felt very blessed.

"Welcome back, MOMO."

When my left hand was gently squeezed, his charm bracelet jingled once more as my amber eyes met Jr.'s sapphires. It seemed like such a long time passed since I last saw him smile so honestly, opposed to his more typical haughty grins or feigned half-smiles. And there was more to Jr.'s smiling demeanor. The amount of sheer gratitude in his eyes was overwhelming, as if he were thanking every angel for returning me to him. I think I know which angel he was thanking, too.

"I'll always be with you, MOMO. Rubedo will always be with you, too. He, me, Mom, and Dad…everyone…we all love you."

I finally understood what Sakura meant. Daddy, Mommy, Sakura, and me are family, always parts of each other. Sakura will always be a part of Jr., and Jr. was, still is, and will always be Rubedo. He is a part of Sakura, and Sakura is a part of me. That is why I know, no matter what, Jr. will always be a part of me…and vice versa. Nobody is ever truly alone. Understanding that, my pain didn't hurt anymore.

I am me. I am a part of everyone. That is my value. That is what makes me real.

"I swear I'll always keep you safe."

My fingers laced with Jr.'s. I squeezed his hand, and we both smiled thankfully.

Thank you, Sakura.

The End

A/N: A short story, but I'm happy to be writing/publishing new stories again. ^_^ Consider this fic my thoughts on what MOMO might've undergone during her and Sakura's transformation. And yes, the similarities to Episode II's finale were intentional.

Thank you very much for reading! Reviews would be greatly appreciated.