Until that day...
"How long are you going to keep visiting me here?" she asked looking into my eyes. I looked into the grey-green eyes, that I knew too well, and saw her. Not Adam. Amanda.
"Until I find Adam," I say without hesitation. A look of confusion gathered in her eyes.
"Why do you care?" she asked, and the second I thought I saw sadness was replaced with cockiness.
"I'm just waiting for you to do the right thing."
"Well, I'm afraid you'll be waiting a very long time," she said, the country accent dripped off her tongue, as she was led out of the dimly lit room. Our line of sights were fixed on each other until she turned the corner.
Usually I'm the type to not remember what people say very well. I remember lines from books and other pieces of writing or pictures better than anything. But this one line, that Morgan said, kept coming back into my mind, like a chanting, every time I visited Ada- Amanda.
"He's gone," Morgan muttered, and I knew he was talking to me. Slowly I looked where Moran was looking and saw Amanda in Adam's body staring back at me through the mirror. The vulnerable boy I barely, knew was not looking into that mirror- at me- it was Amanda.
For the short time I knew him, I felt like I knew so little, yet so much. He was a lot like me. I'm not sure about his inelegance, but I do know that he was bullied, from a few words he said, and he is socially awkward and shy, like me. I guess maybe that's why I do this- come back every chance I get. Maybe it's to save him, to make sure he won't turn out like a boy everyone once knew.
I burrowed my hands deep into my pockets and walked out of the room.
Getting into the car, I start thinking. Is he really gone? Is Amanda there permanently?
No. I will not lose hope. I'm not giving up.
***three months later
When I sit down in my desk at the BAU, I see Hotch talking to JJ and I know what that usually means. Another case; More victims.
"Hey, kid," Morgan greets me as he comes in, "What'd you do this weekend?" He sat at his desk and smiled. Whatever I say, I swear, all he'll say is a long story about a girl he met at a bar that he eventually had sex with. Or that he tried.
Don't get me wrong; Morgan's a cool guy. He just REALLY likes to talk about sex.
"Went to see my mother," I said. I really need to stop using my mother for a backup plan.
"That's cool, man. Is she okay? Yeah, anyway, I have to tell you about this girl I met," Morgan said, before he started rambling about how the girl was a "goddess".
Five minutes went by, and ,still, Morgan was talking about the girl. Of course I wasn't paying attention.
"Hey, are you listening?" he asks, when he noticed I wasn't listening.
"Yeah, you had sex with a woman," I said.
"Okay, anyway, then she-"
"New case, guys," JJ said rushing in and out after dropping a couple case files on our desks and the rest of the team's.
I grabbed the file and started walking towards the meeting room. I opened the case file, and inside were pictures of the victims, or what's left of them.
Strolling into the room, I see Emily and Hotch. I sit down at my regular spot and wait. We do that a lot lately. Wait.
The rest of the team walks in and they immediately start reviewing. I already read the whole case file, twice, and know everything I need to know. Except..
"Corpus Christi, Texas is where all the bodies were found," JJ said while putting the pictures on the big screen.
That place. I knew it too well. All to well.
We all board the jet and take our seats. Another long flight. Another case. Probably, going to be a long one.
I took a seat in the back by the window. That's always the place I sit, recently. Rumor is that it's the softest seat. I still can't tell the difference, but I can't let the sex maniac have it over there.
Slowly, I drift to sleep, and that's when I KNOW it will be a long case.
A pale green.
His dark hair framed his face, the one he'd never let you see.
"H- how long before you can close your eyes and it not be there?" he asked. I see the visible embarrassment on his face and the light blush across his face.
"I'm afraid I still don't know." I say them smile slightly and follow Morgan.
~
"Adam!" Morgan yells and he turns around and immediately his posture changes. He slouches again and his face shows clear vulnerability. "Come here, come here!" Morgan says jogging towards Adam. Adam slowly walks towards Morgan and me.
"What's going on?" he asks and is met with Morgan grabbing his arm tightly. Morgan turns abruptly and starts walking away with Adam. Adam instantly tries to shy away from the touch, but Morgan has a tight grip. Even if it was just a second, he turned around in Morgan's grip and looks at me, scared. Not scared, like scared if getting caught, scared at what we were doing. "Wha- I don't understand, What's going on?"
"You're coming with us," Morgan says as Adam stutters and tries to get out of the grip.
I stand on the rooftop for a second until I can get the picture of his scared face out my mind.
~
"We've been friends since I was a kid," Adam says pacing trough the small space in the interrogation room we were in.
"We're you lovers?" I ask. I feel stupid asking it, but I guess I have to.
Adam scoffed. His fore finger traced small patterns onto the wall. "No," he says, almost in a humorous tone.
"Then, why does she pay for everything you have?" I ask staring at him through the section of fence-like wall that you can clearly walk around.
He laces long fingers around the holes in the fenced area. "It's not like it's a hand out," he says looking at his sneakers, "I work at the hotel until I can pay her back."
"Does she pay for the drugs, too?" Right after I said that, it got tense, I saw his body go into a defensive stance and his features were etched with hurt. His hands dropped to his sides.
"I- I told you I- I get migraines," he stuttered, his voice getting quieter and more vulnerable.
"So, take a prescription," I say simply. He walks around the fence material, and pokes his head out just far enough for me to see him.
"I thought you were different," Adam said, as he looked at the floor refusing to look up.
"What does that mean?" I ask, masking my surprise with curiousness. Adam grabs hold of the fenced wall beside him and stares at the floor, occasionally looking up at me, and letting me see his hurt; pain.
Morgan is telling me about Adam's polygraph test results. Saying that he only flustered up when Morgan have him a complex Algebra question.
I tried to listen, I did. But my gaze slowly crept over his shoulder to see Adam and Julie both signing the release forms. At first he doesn't see me but his eyes slowly latch onto me. Shyly, he looks away, and down at the forms, but he glances up again at me and looks down awkardly, but shows a sign of a small smile.
When he looks up for a third time, his gaze has changed. It was cocky, and provoking. He smirked, almost evily at me. My face is in utter confusion, as he looks at me, brown eyes to green ones.
Julie taps his arm when she's ready and he snaps out of the trance-like state he was in. His shy face began to turn a light pink as he glanced at me before walking away with Julie.
That... wasn't Adam.
"If you kill yourself, Amanda, you kill Adam. I don't see how that's protecting him," I say. Everything I'm saying is hurting my insides. "And I know, all you want to do in this world is to protect Adam."
"It's all I've ever done," Amanda answers.
"What if we help him together?" I ask. I see Amanda phycically stiffen.
"You can't help him," she says, "I'm the only one." Her hand tightens around the plastic bag around Adam's fathers face. "I know what I have to do," she says gripping the knife tighter digging a bit more into the skin. I shake my head slowly. "to keep him safe, forever."
Amanda pushed Adam's father off the bed and the knife stays at her neck, until, a few momments later, she raises her hand and drops it. Morgan urgently rushes forward. Amanda drops to her knees to allow Morgan to attach the handcuffs.
"Adam, Adam! Adam?" I call his name out many times and I get no response from Amanda.
"Reid, he's gone."
I sit up quickly waking up from the dream. Everyone else on the jet was sleeping, thank god.
Adam. Amanda? These two reasons are why I hate having cases in Texas.
"Did anything seem odd, um, recently? Did anyone stand out to you?" I asked the grieving family. JJ should be asking these questions; She's much better with grief.
"N-No, nobody," the mother answered, hugging her son close.
"Yeah, actually," the son, Bradly, said stepping away from his mom. Hotch said the woman had a sixteen year old son, but this kid, I don't know, seems younger. I guess it could be because he is skinny. "Jackson. Mom's new boyfriend."
His mom covered her mouth. Her stance became tense.
"Brad?" she asked, hurt seeping through her voice.
"Mom, you know, it's true," he said turning away from JJ and me to look at her, "He was just plain angry all the time. Well, more than usual, I guess."
"I'm sorry. Could you go, please?" Her question wasn't said as a question, it was a command. She moved to hug Bradly to her again, but he flinched away and hurried up the stairs. She slowly followed after a few moments.
JJ opened the door to leave and when she didn't see me following, she turned to look at me. "Reid, what are you thinking?" I look up from the floor to look at her. I put my hands deeper into my pockets and shake my head.
As I walk out the door JJ opened, I whisper, "Bradly is abused." I see her nod sadly and follow me to the car.
"I noticed."
"He wouldn't flinch at his mother's touch," I said, as if I hadn't heard her, "but I think his mom didn't abuse him. Abusive parents usually don't hug towards their children. Then again, he might not be abused and might just be haphophobic. He seemed pretty uncomfortable in his mother's arms."
We start towards the police office and after a few moments of silence she speaks. "Spence?" I turn my head to her and wait, " Is something bothering you? I mean, I noticed you daydreaming, and I was just wondering." I smile lightly.
"Just tired," I say quietly, rubbing the back of my head.
"I can drop you off at the hotel, if you want, I mean," she says squeezing my arm gently. I smile and nod.
"Thanks, JJ."
"You know I'll always take care of you, Spence," she said smiling.
"Hello, Spencer. How long has it been?" Amanda asks taking another swig of her cigarette.
"Just a few days," I sit in a chair across from her, "We had another case and had to come here." She smirks.
"Hm, I see. I wonder, when will you'll get tired of me?" She asks then rests her hand on her thigh.
"I don't think I ever will. So, um, A-Amanda, how's it been?" I say, and I hope she didn't catch my nervous stutter, but Amanda is smarter than Adam.
"As good as it can get in here, but, you know, I'm getting pretty used to it," she taps ashes off her cigarette and leans forward, putting her face outside the shadows, "I know I have to. But, hey, they let me smoke. That's good."
"I guess," I say smiling slightly.
"Enough about me. Tell me about the case you're working on," I look at her therapist and wait for her to nod before I do.
"A man killing teenage boys," I say quietly.
"Do you know why?"
"We think he does it because of his son," I say putting my ankle on one of my knees.
"What did his son do?" By the looks of it, she seems really interested.
"We're thinking his son might have died accidentally," I say tapping my fingers on my knee, "w-when the son was younger, and now the boy would be the ages of the victims."
"Ah, I see," she says inhaling more of the cigarette. "Spencer, tell me how they died."
"I don't know if that's very appropriate-"
"Tell me." she said her voice getting more demanding.
"St- T-They were strangled."
"Why are you so nervous?" she asked, her smirk getting bigger.
"I-I'm not, it's just, um, I-" I stopped at the feeling of my cell phone's vibration. "S-Sorry; work."
"You're not sorry."
"Hello?"
"Reid, where are you? I gave you no permission to leave!" Hotch's voice blared through the phone.
"I'm at my hotel," I said looking at Amanda.
"Yeah, pretty fancy hotel," I heard Amanda murmur.
"JJ can't tell you when to get off work. I can, and I don't approve. Get your ass back to te precinct now!" Hotch yelled before ending the phone call.
Slowly, I put my phone back into my pocket. I look at Amanda.
"I have to go," I say quietly standing.
"Good-bye!" she said, as sarcasm filled the air.
"I'm so sorry, Spence!" JJ said when I stepped into the police's office.
"It's okay," I say rubbing her shoulder slowly.
"Reid," Hotch says coming into the room, "Come with me."
We stepped into a small empty supply room and he immediately crosses his arms. Bad sign.
I'm sorry," I say first before he can get anything out.
"Reid, you don't know his, but you are very important to this team. While you were gone, we could have gotten more information and maybe there wouldn't be another victim!" Hotch said, his voice anything but sympathetic.
"T-There's another one?"
"Yeah, and we needed you to help us," Hotch said shaking his head.
"I-I'm sorry, Hotch," I said, holding back a sob.
"It's too late now. Go help Prentiss. I'm going to the new crime scene with Morgan," Hotch said quickly leaving the room, then the precinct.
When I left the room, I had already wiped the tears off and straightened my clothes. Emily saw my distress, but didn't ask.
We examined the crime photos and locations for hours. She discussed some theories with me and I told her mine, but we couldn't say anything solid yet. Then it hit me.
"Is it possible," I said and paused," Is it possible that the unsub could have lost his child?" Emily looked down at the desk- a habit, I noticed, when she was thinking.
"I think it's a really good possibility, but we already talked about his son dying-"
"No," I said cutting her off, and leaning forward, "Maybe he was taken from him."
"Like in a divorce?" she asked.
"Maybe, but I was thinking that maybe, legally, he wasn't fit to have a child."
"That's a very good point. That's good."
"Thanks," I said smiling slightly and leaning back into my chair.
After I got no response, I knew what she was about to ask.
"Reid, don't think very deeply about what Hotch said," she sighed, "He was angry. I know he was out of line, but still. You did need to be here."
"I know."
Over the next few days, I had gone to see Amanda everyday, after work. Nothing really changed. When I brought up Adam she got tense and told me to leave. Told me I couldn't help him. I hope she wasn't right.
"Spencer."
"Amanda."
"I'm sorry how it ended yesterday," she said putting out a cigarette.
"No, it's fine, but, I'd like to ask you why you did that," I asked sitting down.
"What can I say? Sometimes I surprise myself."
"Look, Amanda, you may want to protect Adam, but you have to know that," I took a breath,"that you're just hurting Adam doing this." She tensed and shook her head.
"You wouldn't know!" Amanda almost screamed.
"I do know. Amanda, if you leave Adam, I can help him more than you can."
"No! I'm the only one that can help him!" she yelled beating her hands on the plush couch under her.
"You doing this is only hurting him! If you really care about Adam, you will let us help him."
"You can't help him. Only me."
"Can you at least let me see Adam?"
"No. Adam is gone."
"Why would you do that to protect him? You got rid of him, and you expect me to believe you did it to protect him?"
"He can't handle this world without me."
"Please let me see him."
I'm running out of hope.
"He doesn't want to see you."
"I need to see him."
"Well, nobody can. He is gone. Forever."
"Fine," I stand, "I give up. Before I go, just know that you're hurting him more than helping him." I look at his therapist once more before leaving the room.
"Spencer!" I turn quickly at the sound of my name. "Spencer come back!" I walk back into the room to see Adam.
The wig was gone and makeup was wiped off with a cloth the therapist had. The dress was still on, but I quickly overlooked that.
"D-Don't leave me," Adam said, the shy boy I knew speaking.
"I-I-I won't," I said walking back into the room. "A-Adam?"
"Y-yes," he said looking down, "Don't give up on me."
"I promise, I won't," I say and pause,"Can I ask you a question?" Adam nods. "Can you stay with me?"
"I-I don't know."
"Can you try?"
"I can do that," Adam says and smiled slightly, "Can we talk alone?" He meant the therapist. She looks from me to him and nods.
When he leaves the room I sew him start to get teary.
"Spencer?" I look up at him and nod. "You- um- you know I would never kill anyone, right?"
"I know, I know Adam."
"T-They said he was killing men, why?"
"It was to get back at them for being a dominate kind of guy, you know? Really perverse?" He smiles the biggest I've ever seen when I said perverse." I forgot he's just a teenager.
"I wouldn't have done that."
"I already told you I kno-"
"No, because you also said he was a straight guy, right?"
"y-yeah we did."
"Now you know it can't be me."
"because you're homosexual?" Adam nods.
"Or gay, if you prefer," he laughs. "How long have I been in here?"
"A little over three months," I said and watches his face fall.
"Um, Spencer, this may not be really a-appropriate, but, can I hug you?" he asks, surprising me.
"Uh, I, um," I stutter out in confusion,"Okay."
He walks forwards and shyly wraps his arms around my thin waist. Slowly, I wrap my hands around his upper half.
We stay like that for God knows how long. After a while I heard him start to sob. I reached up to stroke the back of his head. At that moment I felt his hands tighten around my sweater vest in tight fists. When I hear the sobs begin to stop I pull away to looks at his face. Now, it's not his face: It's Her face.
"Amanda,I start, while backing away when she sits on the couch.
"I think you should go,she said after a while. I look at the therapist and she stands to signify that she agrees with Amanda.