"Man up," Rin growled to himself under his breath as Nitori started up the stairs ahead of him to their dorm room.
It had been on his mind all week. Hell, if he was truly honest with himself, then he could admit that he'd actually been thinking about this moment for months. Today was the day he'd tell his roommate how he truly felt.
With a surge of determination, he bounded up the stairs.
He couldn't pinpoint exactly when it started, but Rin could honestly state that it had reached the point where Nitori had weaseled his way so far into his heart that there was no turning back. Day after day, he was greeted with Nitori's bright smile, his sparkling eyes. Night after night, he was given the boy's often vocal, sometimes silent support in whatever mood plagued Rin. He honestly didn't know what he would do, where he would be without Nitori. And that's why he needed to confess. To secure Nitori'a tentative place in his own fragile heart.
Of course, Rin was no reckless romantic. He wouldn't even consider telling Nitori his true feelings if he didn't think he there was a chance those feelings were returned. Sure, Nitori was a friendly person in general and of course, Rin was sure that being kind and supportive to anyone was in the boy's nature, but… Something in him told him that there was more to their relationship. There had to be.
They entered the room and Rin closed the door behind them, swallowing the lump in his throat as he watched Nitori take a seat on his bed. Even if it was Rin's bunk, the grey haired boy looked so comfortable there, so at home. It made Rin's heart skip a beat to think that he belonged there.
"Is something wrong, Matsuoka-senpai?" Nitori asked and there was such genuine concern in his voice that Rin almost fell to his knees for him then and there. How could he have resisted those sincere eyes, that sweet face for so long? How could he have denied them both the pleasure of being together, truly together for all these months? Rin cursed himself for being so selfish.
"Nitori," he started, slowly approaching the bed and perching himself on the bed. He met those shimmering, oceanic eyes with his own strong, ruby gaze and said, without any further introduction, "I love you. I want us to be together."
"W-What?!" Nitori stammered, face taking on the most beautiful rosy shade Rin had ever seen. He longed to reach out and stroke that flushed cheek, press his lips to it and feel the warmth of Nitori's skin, but he restrained himself. In a few minutes, perhaps, but first he needed to wait until the boy actually said yes.
"You heard me," was all he said.
"S-Senpai, I, uh, I don't know what to say," the smaller male got out nervously and Rin felt his heart start to sink.
"You can say that you love me, too. That you want to be with me. Hell, anything will do, Nitori!" Rin insisted, doubt sneaking into his desperate gaze.
Nitori looked away and it was silent for a long minute. The quiet uncomfortably filled Rin's ears; he had expected exclamations, rambling, even a stuttered confession, but silence? Rin couldn't recall his roommate ever being so quiet. The silence seeped into Rin's chest, slowly making it tighter and tighter. "Nitori?" he repeated, and this time his voice cracked.
The boy finally turned his head to meet Rin's gaze and right there Rin saw it. The apology in his eyes, the denial on his lips. He shook his head slowly. No, he didn't want to hear, he wouldn't believe it. But Nitori opened his mouth and said it anyway.
"I'm sorry, senpai. I don't feel that way about you. I mean, I really look up to you, and I think you're one of the most amazing people I've ever met, but… I think of you as the big brother I never had. I do want to be there for you whenever I can, and I'm sorry if my actions have made you think anything more than that."
Rin stood slowly. He couldn't get any words out past the sob caught in his throat and so he didn't say anything. He turned and headed for the door, running down stairs and into the cold outside air, feeling his heart shatter with every step. He heard Nitori call after him, but it only made him run faster until the wind was stinging his cheeks, biting mercilessly at his numbed skin.
Come back!
Why had he convinced himself for even a second that his feelings would be returned? When did he ever allow himself to get so fucking soft and downright stupid?
Senpai, please!
He had had his heart broken before, and each time he repaired it, he built up sturdier walls around it to protect himself. Nitori had knocked down every single one without even trying.
Don't cry, senpai.
This time, he vowed, he would collect the broken shards, the fallen bricks and rebuild. Only this time, there would be no heart. Only a hard block wall. He would not allow himself to be stupid and romantic and-
Rin fell to his knees, letting out a strangled cry. Despite his declarations, he knew he would never be the same. The tears streaming down his cheeks told him that much.
He would never love another the way he loved Nitori.
And he would never be loved the way he wanted Nitori to love him.
Rin let out a harsh scream, throwing with it the throbbing and bleeding remnants of his heart in the howling night air.