Twilight is not mine :)
Glass;
She hated him, you know. Every little piece of him. He had it so easy with his dark eyes, and his dark hair (and his dark, dark feelings). Everyone knew about those, how could they not? They were all one entity, one mind, everyone interconnected by the thin web the Change created. Sometimes, it was hard to tell who was feeling what, and which emotions were yours. But it was common knowledge that every black thought stemmed from the mind of her and Jacob. They were the most messed up, the ones with the most scars.
Take him for instance. Twice scorned, he was a man that dared not love. The first time, a brown eyed beauty, whose heart belonged to one whose heart did not beat. Rejection cut him, a wound more than just flesh deep. The second time, the beauty's daughter, a bouncing baby who held him with a gravity so strong, it made the one holding him to earth seem weak in comparison. He loved her, oh he did, but she longed for a life all her own, severing the ties that bound them and running into the arms of the other Halfling. He seemed to die a tiny bit, each time his heart was broken.
She knew how it felt, to have your heart crushed, or even worse, to have it handed back to you bleeding. She loved a man who loved her back, a man who was her Soulmate. Until he laid eyes on her cousin, and the very same gravity erupted from his chest, tethering him to her. She cried for a long time, the tears doing nothing to silence the endless stream of apologies coming from his mouth. She promised herself she would never cry again, letting the invisible tracks on her cheeks serve as the only reminder – the only scar.
Even if they came from the same place, the place where love burned black and hate burned bright, she still didn't like him. They dealt with it in different ways, she supposed. She took it as a whole, accepting the fact that maybe she just wasn't good enough for anyone. He took it day by day, choosing to live past it, keeping his feelings locked in a little lead box at the back of his subconscious, away from the probing minds of his pack. If there was one thing she admired about him, it was his intrinsic sense of privacy.
She caused him a great deal of pain herself. That one day, one long year ago, when she was at fault for breaking every single bone in the right side of his body. Not exactly her fault, per say, but it might as well have been. If he would have just let her handle the situation like she wanted to, he would have been okay. If he would have just left it alone, he would have been okay. If he would have just known the truth, he would have been okay.
She went to him that night, walking the long walk from the Clearing to Billy's house on foot. She walked alone, ashamed to be seen by anyone. When she was alone, she could let the tears flow freely, uninhibited down the permanent invisible scars on her cheeks. When she got there, she blanched. She was just in time to see broken Jacob being carried into the house. Hearing him groan made her chest hurt and her eyes sting dangerously with more unshed tears.
"Jake, I had him, you didn't have to be so stupid..." the hate in her voice masking the hysteria threatening to spill over.
"Save it, Leah."
And the cold voice made her shrink in on herself, clenching her fists so tightly she drew blood. The blood dried, the small wounds closed and she growled in frustration, longing to feel the pain of a flesh wound. She pressed harder and harder, the blood escaping over and over again, until the flow stopped and the opening healed once again.
"Leah, no..."
She lifted her heavy head to look at who had spoken. It was muffled and muted and laced with pain and came from the bleeding mouth of Jacob Black. Was he trying to add to the fact that everyone hated her? Did he want to make her feel worse? Because it was working. The pained words spit from his mouth only twisted the knife in deeper. She sat down then, back against a tree trunk, her head in her hands. She bit her lip hard and almost smiled when she tasted blood.
And hours later, when the screams had died from inside the house, and the leech's girl had come and gone, Jacob called for her. She pried her hands away from her ears and got up slowly, walking the short distance to the door. She felt hot eyes training on her back, and murmurs of disapproval followed her all the way inside the house.
"Leah?"
"Yah?"
"It's not your fault..."
And then she broke.
"You're so stupid, Jacob. So stupid. I had him, you know I did. But you and your hero complex had to go and ruin things. I'm so mad at you, Jacob Black. So-"
He stopped her with a raise of his hand. "Don't lie to me. Why did you do it? I saw it in your mind right before I attacked..."
"Don't ask me questions you don't want to hear the answers to."
He turned on his side and winced. "Come here."
And she did, slowly, taking each step carefully and scornfully, the pads of her feet almost seering holes into the floor.
"Now, look at me and tell me the truth."
"You want the truth, Black? I'll give it to you, but don't say I didn't warn you. I want to die. I want to feel the life in me slip away. I don't see a reason to live anymore; I don't see a reason to breath. Every god damn breath I take hurts, and I feel my body breaking more and more every day. And, you know what? I don't think anyone would give a shit. I think all of you would celebrate the day when my body is lowered into the ground. A cold grave, for a cold hearted bitch. But you had to go and fuck it up! Trying to play hero so that that dumb leech lover would praise you, and hell, maybe she would even kiss you again-"
"Leah, stop."
"No, Jacob, you wanted to hear it, so here it is. That's my story, my sad little life for you to play with. What are you going to do now? Huh? Tell the pack? Tell Sam? Tell them I'm unstable? Because I'll show you just how fucking unstable I can be!"
She finished on a high, her voice quivering; eyes feral and bright and lifeless. And Jacob Black's heart broke for the broken girl in front of him. And he watched in silence as her erratic breathing gave way to sobs. And he smoothed her hair when she crawled over to him and placed her head on his bruised chest.
"Our secret, Leah. I'll never tell," he promised in a whisper.
But Leah knew better than anyone that promises were only made to be broken.
-::-
They were friends after that. Her hate for him still present, but growing smaller each day. She hated him for different reasons now. She hated him for running away before the wedding, she hated him for imprinting on the Halfling and she hated him for just letting her go. She hated the way he made her smile despite her desire to scream. She hated the way he loved her so easily without expecting anything in return.
She hated how much she wanted to be around him.
He was like the moon, and she was the tide, her ebb and flow of moods in his complete control. He made her crazy and happy all at the same time. And thoughts of strangling him ran through her mind almost as frequently as thoughts of hugging him did.
He still looked at her sometimes, in the way that scared her; like she was going to break any second. Sometimes she caught a look of pity flash across his face, before it was replaced with a warm grin. She didn't like the way he talked about her, because he talked like he cared and she was tired of listening to the lies, no matter how well spoken they were. Pretty, pretty lies using convincing words to intoxicate her, to bring down her steel and stone guard. She wouldn't let him get in.
"Hey, Lee," he called, when he walked into her house. He bumped his head, as usual, on the top of the door frame.
"You know, I thought your thick head would have figured out that it needed to duck every now and then, or are you just that stupid?"
She threw icy words his way, and as usual they melted on his skin.
He grinned at her, placing a hand on top of her head. "Nah, I'm used to it now. It almost seems like it'd be bad luck if my head didn't hit the door on the way in."
"I didn't think you believed in luck."
"I don't, I don't really believe in anything anymore," he told her, letting his hand fall to his side. He sat on the floor in front of her and leaned against her knees. She tangled her fingers in his hair.
"Join the club," she whispered. Belief washed away doubts, but when you had doubt upon doubt piled high, belief was little more than a memory. They were quiet for a long time, her fingers still in his hair, and his bare back resting against her bare legs.
"I'm worried about you, Lee," he said, turning his body so her could wrap his arms around her legs and place his chin on her knees. "I'm really worried. You haven't phased in weeks, and you're disappearing right in front of me."
"Stop it, Jacob. Don't talk about things you don't know anything about."
And yet he continued, just like he always did. "Tell me why. Explain things to me, make me understand."
"I want to be normal, you know that," she sighed. They had been through this many times.
"So not phasing is going to make you normal?"
She stayed quiet.
"Leah, you're not thinking of stopping for good, are you?"
She nodded.
"You can't! Leah, you just can't! I need my beta. What happens to our pack, you can't just stop, you'll grow old, and you'll..."
"What, Jake? I'll die? I'll be normal? Because that's what I want. Hell, that's all I ever wanted. I want to have kids, I want to get married and not have to imprint on some stupid asshole who's going to break my heart. You don't need me, you've got Seth for the beta job, he's always wanted it," she reasoned.
His eyes closed and he shook his head, rising up on his knees. From this position, he could stare her straight in the eye. Black against black; bottomless, emotionless pits of black.
"You think not phasing will help?"
"Yeah, I do. Or at least that's what I think," she admitted, turning her head away.
"You're so stupid, Leah."
"I've heard that one before, got anything else?"
"You're a selfish bitch who doesn't know when a good thing is right in front of her," he hissed.
"Keep it coming, Jake, it only helps me feel something again..."
"You're heartless, cold and heartless. You're stuck in this body and you're stuck in this town and you're damn well stuck with me," he yelled.
"Is that all you've got?" she whispered.
"You don't care, Leah Clearwater. And you know what? Neither do I."
"I hate you," she spat, her words slapping him in the face.
And he kissed her. Hard and long, smashing his lips against hers in desperation. She threw her hands in his hair, pulling and tugging, wanting to cause him as much pain as possible. He groaned in her mouth and pulled her off the chair, slamming her against the wall. The picture there fell and the glass shattered on the floor. She felt a bit like glass at the moment, fragile and thin and completely transparent, but still able to cut and hurt and slice so many wounds.
And when his shirt came off and she dragged her nails down his back, she kind of liked the sounds coming from his mouth, and she kind of liked the feeling of his tongue against hers, and she kind of liked the roughness and rawness of the moment. He bit her collar bone, hard enough to draw blood. She moaned, "Fuck you, Black."
He responded with a grunt and she traced the scars on his body and she thought they were beautiful. Each one representing a battle won, the wound closed and healed and done. She traced the invisible ones too, the ones he shared with no one but her, the ones still open and bleeding and hurting. She wished she could close them up for him.
They rode together through ecstasy and pain, and when she fell she cried his name. Over and over again she called to him, until she heard her very own name slip from his lips. And after they just lay together, burning brighter and brighter.
"God damn it, Leah."
"This didn't mean anything, Black," she warned him.
"I'll wait for you, Lee. I've waited this long, what's another couple years?" he told her quietly.
And this was a first for her, this feeling of warmth, but she pushed it down deep because she didn't trust it, or him, or herself, or them.
"Why do they call it heartbreak, Jake? Because it feels like every other part of my body is breaking too."
"I can fix you," he promised her.
"No you can't. You can never give me what I want..."
And he got up and left. Just slammed the door on his way out. Not bothering to pick up the broken pieces of glass on the floor nor the broken pieces of her. He just left them there, mingling in the kitchen, where they could cut each other deeper and deeper making new pretty scars with long ugly stories and the pain of healing over and over.
All she wanted was for him to come back.
But of course, he never did.
Just another promise broken.
-::- Jake, You're a complete and utter asshole for leaving. I hope you know that you are responsible for the pack falling apart. You are the reason why your dad can't sleep soundly. You are the reason why my mom flinches every time she hears a sudden noise. You are the reason Sam can't seem to hold it together anymore. You are the reason I'm sitting here writing these god damn letters instead of out patrolling. But I'm so sorry for how we ended... But I can't think straight anymore, Jake. I really, really can't. I don't want a bunch of people invading my mind every time I turn into a wolf, because if they did, they would never let me forget the things they found in there. And I don't think I can handle that. I'm scared, Jake. Leah Clearwater is scared and it's all your fault. I mean, if Jacob fucking Black can't fight through the pain, why should I be able to? I understand you. Better than anyone maybe, and I wish you could see that; that maybe you can find something in me...something to keep you going, because even if you were a total dick to me, I found something in you. Don't take this the wrong way. I'm not in love with you, oh God, no. Never. Or at least that's what I try to tell myself. Whatever, I don't care; I don't ever care, right? Well, that is what you told me before I left. I remember your exact words, Jacob Black... "You don't care, Leah Clearwater. And you know what? Neither do I." But that was before you had sex with me. You left before you could see me cry, but that's okay, because that would have only proved you wrong, and you hate to be wrong. So I let you believe whatever you want, it was easier than trying to convince you. The sad thing is, when you come back, I'll be here for you. I'll be waiting and watching for the day you walk through that too small door and bump your head on the way in. You're just as lost as I am, Jake. One day, I'm going to let you find me. -Leah. -::- Jake, It's been weeks. It's not like I expected to hear a reply, because I never sent out all those letters. I keep them tied up, in the back of my closet, just like all our secrets. I'm not tired of waiting yet. Come home, Jacob. Please. We need you. I need you. And I damn well will admit it if it gets you to come back. -Leah -::- Jacob, I don't know how long I can hold up anymore. It gets harder every day. I don't know why they call it heartbreak, because it feels like every other part of my body is broken too, remember when I told you that? I'm still trying to figure it out. -Leah -::- Jacob Black, I miss you. -Leah TO BE CONTINUED...
muahahaha, i hope you guys liked it :) drop a review please! and if you enjoyed this, you may like my other jake story called so long. so go check it out!
review, and maybe i'll continue ;)