Ted's Bachelor Party

AUTHOR'S NOTE: I'm trying to brainstorm some ideas for funny, goofy, absurd disaster bachelor parties that Barney is capable of planning or screwing up. The only goofy thing that comes to my mind is a bachelor party at Chuck E. Cheese's. So, reviewers, if you have any ideas, please let me know.

Ted's Dining Room, Westchester, Christmas, 2031, 6:34 pm.

The entire gang and their children are seated at Ted's dining table. Ted and Robin are seated together at one end. Lily and Marshall are seated on another end. Luke, Penny, and Barney are seated on one side of the table, while Marvin Jr, Daisy, and Marshall Jr are seated on the other. Only Ellie is not there; she is spending Christmas in Norway with Number 31. On the dining table, we see all sorts of delicious foods ranging from roast chicken to mashed potatoes to salads to pasta , and so forth.

MARSHALL: Mmm, Ted everything is delicious!

TED: Oh, thanks. Actually I couldn't have done it without the help of the kids and Robin.

LILY: The chicken is breathtaking.

TED: It's Tracy's recipe.

BARNEY: And the mashed potatoes are heavenly. Ted, you've really mastered the culinary arts.

LUKE: When Mom died, Dad was helpless in the kitchen, but he got the hang of it over the course of time. Those cooking shows are great. Also, he got the recipes for Mom's cooking from Grandma McConnell.

PENNY: We used to go to restaurants everyday, but when we started gaining weight, Dad realized that he had to cook more at home to maintain his health and ours.

BARNEY: I have been cooking a lot myself too. I don't know what they're putting in Ellie's food in the school cafeteria, and I don't want her to get food poisoning. Also, I want to maintain my slim figure.

DAISY: So, Uncle Barney, where's Ellie?

BARNEY: Norway.

MARSHALL JUNIOR: Oh, our ancestral home!

MARVIN JUNIOR: What's she doing there, Uncle Barney?

BARNEY: Aunt 31 has a distant cousin who lives in Oslo and invited her to spend Christmas there. So Aunt 31 thought it would be a good opportunity to also take Ellie and show her around, since she had never been to Scandinavia before. It is going to be the Christmas of a lifetime for Ellie.

ROBIN: You knew you had to let her go, Barn. That opportunity does not come that often for many kids her age. I remember dreaming of such opportunities when I was 11.

DAISY: And then you accomplished that dream!

ROBIN: And then some, Daisy.

Barney's smartphone rings

BARNEY: Call to Barney, turn on visual screen.

Screen on Barney's phone turns on and we see Number 31's face. She looks about 36 years old, with long nut brown hair, blue eyes, and a slender oval face.

NUMBER 31: Hi Barney, Merry Christmas.

BARNEY: Merry Christmas to you too. How's everything over there in the land of the midnight sun?

NUMBER 31: It's beautiful. Ellie is really enjoying herself too, even picking up the language. She misses you over there, though. But thank you very much for letting her come with me.

BARNEY: Despite everything, I want her to be happy.

NUMBER 31: Don't worry, you'll get to see her again.

BARNEY: I know. At least, I'm not alone this Christmas. Ted is letting me stay over at his place for a day or two, so I'm alright.

NUMBER 31: Oh, and Ellie wants to say something to you.

[Ellie's face appears on screen]

ELLIE: Hey, Dad! Merry Christmas! Or as they say here, God jul!

BARNEY: And a Merry Christmas to you too sweetheart! I miss you so much here!

ELLIE: I can't wait to see you when I get back to New York.

BARNEY: So are you having a good time in Norway with Mom?

ELLIE: Oh, it's the best! The fjords are so beautiful. And tomorrow, Mom, Aunt Siri, and Uncle Björn are taking me to see Lillehammer!

BARNEY: Ah an Olympic tour. I always felt bad for Tonya. She was the ice-skating queen of 1994, and not that wench Nancy Kerrigan. A tragedy on ice, kind of like The Karate Kid with John Lawrence.

ELLIE: Yep, Willian Zabka was the Karate Kid.

ROBIN: You're infusing those twisted ideas into your daughter's head, Barney?

BARNEY: I promised I'd always be honest with her! I'm just telling her the truth.

LUKE: [grabbing phone from Barney] Hey, Ellie! Merry Christmas!

ELLIE: Hi, Luke! [sighs with a big smile, and glaring wide open eyes; smile is so big that we can see braces on her teeth]

LUKE: We all miss you here!

ELLIE: I miss you too, Lukie!

BARNEY: Alright! Enough of that mushy talk! [grabs phone from Luke]

TED: Oh Barney, don't hang up that phone, I wanna talk to her. I'm gonna go grab the tea, and be right back.

Cut scene to kitchen. Ted opens the refrigerator, and to his delight, finds an empty milk carton. He grins as he reaches into his right pocket, pulls out a ring, and drops it in the carton. He takes the carton and "storms" back to the dining room.

TED: ROBIIIN!

ROBIN: What is it, Ted?

TED: This! [hands carton to Robin]

ROBIN: God, 26 years, and you still don't get my philosophy? I leave the empty carton there to remind myself that we need more milk! [shakes the carton and hears the ring hitting against the walls of the carton, kind of like a rock] What is in here? A stone or a marble? [open carton and sees ring; turns carton upside down and allows the ring to land on her left palm. She gasps.] Oh my God! Ted, is it…?

TED: [kneeling down; Barney position his phone so that Ellie can see Ted and Robin] Robin Charles Scherbatsky, Jr., will you be my wife?

ROBIN: [tears running down her cheeks] Yes, Ted! I will marry you! I love you so much. [They hug each other and kiss]

ALL: Aww!

ELLIE: Congratulations Uncle Ted! Congratulations Aunt Robin!

NUMBER 31: Congratulations to you both.

PENNY: Dad, I'm so happy for you! It was time! [runs over to hug Ted and Robin] I'm going have a mom again! But then again, Aunt Robin, you have been a great mother to us, ever since Mom passed away.

ROBIN: Oh, thanks, Penny. That's so sweet.

MARSHALL: Way to go Ted! [turns over to Lily grinning] Pay up!

LILY: Not yet!

Cut to 2 hours later. Lily, Robin, Penny, and Daisy are in the living room watching Love Actually. Ted, Marshall, Barney, Luke, Marvin Jr., and Marshall Jr. are in the basement playing billiards.

Living Room.

LILY: Aww, that's so cute when Colin Firth proposes to that woman in broken Portuguese!

ROBIN: I love it when Hugh Grant dances to that Pointers song!

DAISY: I wish our President was like that!

ROBIN: I wish Canada's PM was like Hugh Grant! Penny, what's your favorite part of the movie?

PENNY: I hadn't watched it for a long time. Dad would not let me watch it alone because of the R-rating, and I don't turn 17 until this coming year. Dad himself hadn't watched it since 2024 because of Liam Neeson's character… and Liam in real life.

ROBIN: Well, now, he's got his Claudia Schiffer!

PENNY: [smiling] The Canadian brunette version.

Cut to Basement.

MARSHALL: Ooh! Excellent shot, Junior!

MARSHALL JR.: Thanks, Dad.

TED: He's just like a pro.

BARNEY: You know, Ted? Now that you and Robin are engaged, it's time for the most important event ever…[looks at Marshall Sr.]

BARNEY AND MARSHALL: [smiling in unison] Bachelor party!

TED: [smiling, shaking head, chuckling] I don't know guys.

BARNEY: You never had a bachelor party before you married Tracy. You should have one this time!

MARSHALL: There was always something! Penny being born, then Luke being born, and then after the second proposal, you immediately married on a Thursday that same week! It was never the right time for a bachelor party during that 5 year engagement…great movie by the way.

LUKE: With all due respect to Mom, you really didn't get to savor bachelorhood after she died. You should savor it at least a little bit before you and Aunt Robin tie the knot. Mom would have wanted it.

TED: You're grounded!

Luke chuckles.

MARVIN: Luke is right. Aunt Tracy would have wanted you to savor bachelorhood for at least one day!

TED: You're grounded too!

MARVIN: [rolling eyes] Yeah, whatever!

TED: [sighs] It's a little tougher when they don't live here.

MARSHALL: Come on, Ted. It's not every day that someone gets married for the second time. You're getting a second chance at marriage and romance.

BARNEY: We're going to have a bachelor party. And it's going to be legen…wait for it…

LUKE: …dary?

BARNEY: Legendary!

TED: Okay, you convinced me. But no strippers!

BARNEY: I promise. No strippers. [winks]

TED: I mean it! All three of us have a daughter! You wouldn't like it if Ellie joined that profession!

BARNEY: Okay, no strippers. [winks]

TED: Can you say that without winking?

BARNEY: [raising hand] I promise. No strippers. [winks]

TED: You winked again!

BARNEY: No I didn't! [winks]

TED: [staring at Marshall trying to communicate telepathically] Marshall look at my eyes. I need you to organize this party. For some reason, I do not trust Barney. Do you get what I'm trying to say? Take charge of this party!

MARSHALL: [replying telepathically] Got it dude! I'll keep this bachelor party clean and wholesome.

End of Act 1.