'It's been months…I've found nothing…Not a single sign of her.'

'What if I never find her…?'

'What if something has happened…and she is…'

"Bellamy!"

A slap, straight across my face wakes me, shocking me out of the toxic thoughts for a few seconds. My sister, Octavia crouches beside me, glairing like she is staring at the devil.

"Big brother, if you keep this up every night, you can sleep outside!" She hisses in an angry whisper.

O doesn't need to tell me what I was doing. I do it most nights, apparently. No one has been able to sleep in the same area for a while now, but my sister is trying to help.

It's not working.

Every time I think about the missing Blonde, out there alone, in danger or worse, before sleeping...I go into some stupid state and call for her, swear, yell, and thrash around. It's because of how useless I feel, how I have gone looking for her nearly every day for a month and spend weeks more camping out there to scout further for camp. But there's nothing.

There is no sign of her anywhere. Even Lincoln can't tell us anything.

With a heavy sigh, I sit up, rubbing my face roughly. "Sorry O…" I shake my head as I lick the sweat from my lip. Sweating, too. It's been cold lately, but that doesn't stop me from waking drenched…stress sweats. "I was dreaming, I guess."

"I know." She sighs. "Bell…this needs to stop. It's been months. Nearly four…She's gone." She held her hand up before I could open my mouth and tell her off. "I hate it, too. I miss her, too… We all do, Bell. But I think it's time we consider-seriously consider that she isn't coming back…" I can tell from Octavia's voice that is hurts her to say it.

Thought I don't look at my sister as she speaks because I don't want to let her know how much her words hurt. But I know she's right. I know I need to come to terms with the possibility that she is gone forever. That she could be dead.

My face contorts with all the negative talk about her. "I'm sorry, O. I need to go for a walk. Go back to sleep."

"Bell!" Octavia calls after me as I leave the tent. I wait for her to speak, but I don't look back at her. "Don't go looking for her…promise me you'll take people with you next time…just don't go now"

"I won't." Last time I did, I almost got myself killed by some mutated boars. On the plus side, I had killed a few and managed to get them back to camp for meat. We are still going though the rations from it.

I walk the inner perimeter of Camp Jaha, nodding to the guards that stand post. Usually I am posted on with them, but Abby has demanded that I take some time off, clear my head and rest…

I don't need any of that…I need to go searching again.

The last time I left camp, I was confronted with someone else searching for Clarke. Someone I wished I'd never see again. Someone who now wishes they never saw me again.

After getting close enough, I sliced them open, blood all over them, all over me. I was hurt, yes. But I hurt them. So bad I now carry the weight of another death at my hands.

After a long walk and freezing air though my lungs, I head back to my tent, hoping Octavia is asleep again. By the time I reach the tent I am shaking from the cold, the freezing temperature chilling the sweat on me.

I hurry to get back into the tent and the little warmth is possesses and notice Octavia curled up on the other side, breathing deeply as she slept. There isn't much that can make me smile anymore, but seeing my little sister, knowing she is okay…that's something that will always mean something special, something that will always bring me back from any darkness. I just hope mum would be happy with us, proud of us, of me.

Before I upset myself with thinking of our mother, I get back in bed and try for more sleep, silently begging for the lost Blonde to stay out of my dreams.

The next morning I wake with a massive headache and a sneeze with I just know will piss me off in under an hour. Octavia was already gone and the sounds of bustling people carrying out the duties of the camp all around.

I peal myself out of bed, swearing at the cold as I put a jacket on and pop out of the tent. It's not long until I see Abby, mixing in with the people, making sure there was nothing wrong, making sure the injured don't push themselves too hard.

With a deep breath and a stomp in my step, I head for The Chancellor. If there is anyone in the camp who can and will let me out again today, it's her mother.

"I want to go out again."

Abby turns on me, a knowing look on her sunken face. She was beautiful, very much so, for a mother in her stressful line of work. But after all this, after her daughter leaving with no word since… it's like she has aged rapidly, her face thinner and taut, her eyes sunken and dark circles surrounded them.

And I thought I was taking it hard without her… How is her mother still standing…after loosing a child like this… Without knowing if she has died.

"Bellamy, please. Not now." She smiled as best she can. It wasn't really a smile. "I can't take it today, please." She looks down as her eyes fill with tears. "Four months today, Bellamy." Abby didn't say another word, just patted my arm and walked away, sniffling.

'Four months…'

I stare out into the forest, hating it more than I ever have for hiding her from her mother, from us all. "Where are you, Clarke…"

The next week passes slowly, and Abby remains her distant self, not bringing up her daughter for any reason. I start to realise that she is either in heavy denial or is trying to surround herself with work only. But in any case, she is avoiding it badly. She is avoiding her missing daughter.

'I can't do this anymore…'

I march to my sister, ready for a fight. I've had enough resting. I need to be out there again. I need to be out searching for the girl we owe all this too! If it weren't for her, so much would have gone the other way. From the beginning, she has saved us… Now it's time we saved her.

"Octavia!" I grip her arm and pull her aside, earning a glair from her boyfriend, Lincoln. "There is something wrong with everything…everyone, O, and there is something missing from our people… they don't smile…laugh... The kids Clarke and I lead…the few that are left of the 100, they are sinking into something dark. We all are." Clarke was the light that helps us get back out. She was what we looked to for a little good, when we fell too far into darkness, for something to strive for and work for. She was everything to us. "I need to look again."

Octavia sighed heavily. "Big brother, calm down." She grips my face, holding me still and looks straight at me. "I know you want to leave, but think about it, Bell."

"I have!" I shake her off and glare. "That's all I've been doing! That's all I can do! Think about it!" With a swift motion I turn around in a circle, pointing at the forest surrounding us. "She is out there! She is out in that forest and we are just sitting here!"

"Bell-"

"No! I don't want to hear it, Octavia! You know she would be out there looking if it were one of us! Any of us! She would be out there searching until she found something!" I was getting loud now, but I don't care. "She would stay out there! She isn't a coward like these people, she is brave and selfless and smart! She would have found a way to stay out there until she found-"

I freeze. 'She would have found a place to make camp…she would find somewhere that can be locked down and hidden…'

"I KNOW WHERE SHE IS!" I suddenly feel so light headed and my vision blurs. "O, I know!"

"Go."

I turn on the voice. It's Abby, she is standing a few meters back, tears down her face and a gun in her hand.

"Bellamy, if you think you know where she is, take this…and go." Abby doesn't look convinced, she doesn't look happy or even curious. She is flat.

"No!" Octavia stomps in between us, trying to snatch the gun from the Chancellor. "You can't send him out there! He isn't stable and you know it! You said it yourself!" She threw at Abby, ignoring Abby's guards flanking her.

I growled, shoving Octavia aside but she bounces back into my face. "Bellamy, I understand okay! I know if Lincoln were missing, I would want to be out there too. But you aren't thinking straight, you need to calm down!"

"This is nothing like you and Lincoln, Octavia."

"Yes, yes it is, Bellamy." She dances in front of me, keeping me from the gun. "You need her, you want her back beside you. It doesn't matter why you want her back, but you do." My sister pushes me back hard. "You feel for her, I know. But if she wanted to be back here, she would be back!"

I try not to lose it with her, she is my sister and only trying to look out for me, like it do for her…but she is wrong. Something has to be wrong for Clarke to stay away.

"O, Clarke left because she had to kill a lot of people. Children, mothers, fathers, grandparents… a lot of innocent people... But she didn't do it alone. We did it together. We both pulled that lever. We both are hurting." I clenched my jaw, trying not to notice the little crowd hearing my rant. "She might be out there trying to get her head straight, trying to deal with what she has done…but I am here trying to do the same thing."

No one said anything, not even Octavia. So, I continued.

"I have tried to be strong, I have tried to move on and help build something here with for people I have help protect with her…" I swallow the thickness in my throat. "…But it means nothing to me knowing she isn't here, when she is gone. What the fuck does any of this mean without the one who made it happen. None of the hundred would be alive today if it wasn't for her! These people might still be in the ark, dying, for all we know! She saved us all."

Suddenly, I am loosing energy, and my anger wavers and I slump in on myself. "I just want to save her…I want her back." I can't do it alone anymore.

Octavia still remains silent and Jasper and Monty are sniffling, among a few girls from the 100.

A gun is shoved into my chest, Abby on the end of it. "If you don't go out there and get my daughter, I will go myself." She doesn't smile, doesn't nod, nothing. She is deathly serious and I take the gun.

Within a few seconds Jasper and Monty are on either side of me, wiping tears and gripping guns. Lincoln join us with his knives and fists, and more of the 100 walk over to stand with us. It's like some weird gathering of silent mourners. I guess with all the death we have faced, it's a fitting look.

Abby nods. "I know this goes against everything I should stand up for, but I want you all to go." She lets the tears flow, never raising a hand to clear her eyes, she stands strong and I see where Clarke gets her strength from. Abby has lost everything and here she is, standing tall, despite the tears. "I know this is selfish, sending you kids out there for my daughter. But I can see that you are going to go with or without my permission."

I nod once and she reaches for me, brings me down for the tightest hug. Before I seem rude, I hug her back, surprised by the strength in her thin body. "Bring her back, Bellamy." She whispers lightly. "She'll come back if it's for you…"

With a teary look, Abby leaves us, ordering some guards to give us more guns, food, bedrolls and medicine.

I turn to my party. "You…all of you don't need to come with me. It will be dangerous, and I am not coming back until I find her." I speak up loudly so the group can hear. It's a small group, 13 of us, but that's so much more than I ever thought would come out for an uncertain, and very dangerous rescue mission.

"We can't be sure we'll find her, and we don't know if she is alive, but I need to see for myself." I look over the group, and see nothing but determination on their faces. She did this. She is the reason these young people are so brave. If it weren't for Clarke, no one would be doing this for someone.

"We'll find her, Bellamy." Jasper pats my shoulder, a faint smile on his scarred face. "I know she is alive, she has to be."

After a long chat, we decide to head out tomorrow morning. I hated that we are waiting another second now we have permission, but I don't want to blow my chance. This is the first trip I've been on in almost two weeks. I need this.