A/N: This is just a random little one-shot I wrote for the hell of it. I don't think it's all that good but I figured I might as well get it up here anyway. Basically, it's how I would've wanted the aftermath of 5x07 to play out.
The title is a song by Flyleaf.
All Around Me
"I should've said yes."
Lucas Scott dribbled the ball hard, the rubber protesting noisily against the blacktop as if it were cursing him out for the abuse it was suffering. He didn't really hear the sound of the ball hitting the pavement because his ears were ringing with the sound of her voice. The husky, melodic voice of Peyton Sawyer haunted him, not granting him even a moment's peace. That was why he was here on the Rivercourt, at around 1:30 in the morning, trying desperately to purge himself of her essence.
"I still love you, Luke."
With an almost animalistic grunt, Lucas shot from the three-point line, sinking the ball through the chain link hoop with a metallic clink. He rushed forward, gathered the ball, darted back to the free-throw line, and shot again. As before, the ball cleared the rim with minimal interference and Lucas collected it and repeated the process several times. A coat of perspiration had settled on his skin and was beginning to dampen the checkered button-down he was wearing. Jeans and a button-down really didn't make for the best workout attire but he'd come straight from Tric and hadn't wanted to stop at home to change into the proper apparel. Lindsey was there and Lucas didn't really feel like talking to his girlfriend right now.
Part of it was because he was angry and frustrated and confused by the night's events and he needed to work off the massive amount of tension inside him. Then there was the fact that he'd kissed Peyton and he didn't think he'd be able to look Lindsey in the eye without revealing his shame. And if that wasn't bad enough, he couldn't get the feel of her lips on his or the taste of her to leave him. It was still there and if he was being honest, that one stolen kiss had affected him more than a thousand kisses from Lindsey could. And last but not least, there was an alarmingly large part of him that didn't regret the kiss with Peyton.
"You still love me, don't you?"
With a tortured sigh, Lucas let the ball drop from his grip and roll across the tarmac. He stared up at the ebony sky, which was lacking stars of any sort this night. How had a simple gathering at Tric with his closest friends and family landed him in such a mess? Well okay, he'd landed himself in this mess but he was desperately trying to find a reason for it. He couldn't understand what had possessed him to grab his ex-girlfriend and kiss her like that. He was over Peyton; he loved Lindsey.
Right?
Lucas felt a tightening in his chest. Ropes whittled from anxiety knotted inside of him and he desperately drew in a breath of cool night air, vainly trying to purify himself of the doubts and fears that were corroding his peace of mind. Then again, when was the last time he'd actually had peace of mind about anything? He only realized now that any contentment he'd experienced in the past three years had been an illusion. He was supposed to be content with Lindsey. He loved her; she was the perfect woman. She was kind, beautiful, supportive, and most of all, he never doubted her love for him.
But that kiss with Peyton had unraveled something within him, and now, he couldn't help but feel that those things weren't enough anymore. That was completely insane, he knew. Any guy would be lucky to have a woman like Lindsey. Hell, Lucas should've been with Lindsey right now, comforting her, apologizing and trying to make up with her. Instead, he was here at the Rivercourt obsessing over the woman that hadn't loved him enough to want to marry him. At least, that's how Lucas saw it. He should run home right now and beg Lindsey's forgiveness for the things he'd done tonight, but he couldn't seem to get his feet to move. Worse, he couldn't get Peyton out of his head.
What happened next was odd. Something passed through him, a strange feeling he couldn't identify. It traveled down his spine and spread throughout his limbs, circulating like blood. Perplexed, Lucas stood at the center of the court, staring into nothing. His head buzzed and it seemed almost as if he were outside of his own body. The feeling was bizarre but familiar, as though Lucas had been here before. Not 'here' as in the Rivercourt, but emotionally, he'd been in this position before.
Déjà vu. That was what that feeling was, it was déjà vu. As a cool night breeze ruffled his short blond hair and dried some of the sweat clinging to his frame, Lucas felt that he was on the verge of grasping an important revelation that had been unknowingly haunting him since…
Since Peyton had returned to Tree Hill.
He didn't grasp the revelation; the revelation bowled him over like a two-hundred and fifty pound quarterback. It sent Lucas reeling back, butt first, onto the asphalt. Would've been funny if he hadn't been breaking inside.
Lucas Scott was a complete and total ass.
Lucas Scott was a complete and total ass.
Peyton Sawyer didn't want to think of the boy she'd loved since she was a teenager and the boy who had saved her more times than she could count in that light, but after what had happened tonight, how could she not? The wind whipped her blonde curls into a frenzy as she sped down the streets of Tree Hill, the top down on her Comet and the lyrics of The Honorary Title's "Stay Away" blasting from the speakers at a high level of decibels.
"Do you have an alarm that goes off in your head whenever I'm happy with someone else?"
A couple of wayward tears blurred her vision and she angrily wiped at them with the side of her forearm. As she tore down side streets and back roads, Peyton cursed her fate. Here she was, shedding tears over Lucas Scott yet again. She cursed the fact that she was so terribly in love with him and couldn't extricate her heart from his grip, and most of all, she cursed herself, for she was currently on her way to Lucas's house right now.
"What do you want from me?"
Brooke had told her to go after him. The brunette had assured her that Lucas still loved her and would always love her, but how could Peyton believe that? Tonight, only a few hours ago, he'd kissed her. Sure, she'd initiated it, sort of, but he was the one who'd grabbed her by the shoulders and slammed his lips onto hers with so much ferocity. That kiss hadn't just been a kiss, but something so much more. For a few seconds, as their lips had been joined and as she'd basked in his familiar scent and taste, Peyton had felt truly whole for the first time since she'd left Tree Hill for L.A. four years ago. That something that had been missing, that had left a hollow crevice inside of her, had been returned in that instant of his lips on hers, and Peyton hadn't wanted it to end.
But it had, and afterwards, Lucas had looked her in the eyes and told her he had to go see Lindsey. The pain of his words still haunted her.
"I fly to L.A. and ask you to marry me, and you said no, so I moved on!"
Peyton couldn't understand it. She was sure that he'd felt all the same things she had, and yet he'd left her standing there to go and cater to that woman, the woman she'd seen kiss him at his book signing two years before. Lindsey Strauss; beautiful, smart, kind, perfect. Peyton knew she couldn't compete, so why had Lucas kissed her like he loved her or something?
Peyton felt like her insides were tearing themselves apart. She needed answers, badly, and she was going to get them, one way or the other. She turned onto Palomar Road, which intersected Burnett Drive. She slowed as she pulled up to the corner Lucas's house was located on. Lights were on, and she noticed Lindsey's car parked out front, but Lucas's Mustang was nowhere in sight.
Great, she groused internally as she halted the Comet at the stop sign that served the intersection. For a minute or two, she simply stared to her right at the side of Lucas's house.
"Why haven't you?"
God, she felt like some kind of stalker. A psychotic ex-girlfriend who couldn't stop obsessing over her ex-boyfriend. A sickening lump settled in her stomach. She may not have been a psycho stalker but she was the other woman. Even if it had only been one kiss, she'd still helped Lucas cheat on his girlfriend. It was like junior year all over again. She couldn't believe she'd found herself in this position.
Mournfully, Peyton gazed upward at the starless sky. She choked back a sob as a new batch of tears began to flow. More than anything, she wished she could go back in time to that hotel room three years ago and say 'yes' when Lucas proposed to her. She'd give anything to be able to change the past, but she knew she couldn't. She could, however, change the future.
Peyton wasn't going to allow herself to become the kind of person she'd become back in highschool when she and Lucas had been sneaking around behind Brooke's back. She'd come here to get answers, but intuitively, she knew that they wouldn't be ones she wanted to hear. In the end, Lucas wouldn't choose her; he never did.
So, even though it completely decimated her, and although she would love Lucas Scott forever, she decided she was going to let him go, for his sake and for hers. Peyton stomped on the gas pedal and cut a hard left down Burnett, away from Lucas's home and all the memories it encapsulated. Every minute or so, she had to wipe away the unending torrent of tears that stained her eyes with the back of her hand.
And every second, she had to stomp down on the uncertainty that haunted the back of her mind. The feeling that she was giving up too soon and throwing away her chance with Lucas forever.
Cracked and faded, the spray-painted signatures taunted Lucas as he sat Indian-style in the center of the Rivercourt. He could just barely make out his own name, and most of the others were so far gone they weren't even legible anymore. Peyton's tag had disappeared altogether and Lucas couldn't help but think that was an omen.
Things had changed, and yet, they'd also stayed the same. Lucas liked to think he was the type of person that learned from his mistakes, but apparently, he was doomed to repeat them. Back in highschool, not long after Peyton had first stepped into his life, he'd gone to a party at Dan's house and there, she'd broken his heart. So, desperately seeking relief and comfort, he'd turned to her best friend, only to have Peyton show up at his doorstep a few days later and tell him all the things he'd wanted to hear.
Then things got complicated, and then everything crashed and burned and he very nearly lost her forever. Fortunately, Lucas had been able to fix things with Peyton, and Brooke, and following another doomed relationship with the brunette, he was finally able to admit to himself that Peyton was the one for him and the two of them got to have what they'd both wanted for so long. If only it had lasted.
Then came the botched proposal, and once again, Lucas's heart had shattered and crumbled. Still, he'd held out hope that maybe they would find their way back to each other one day, so on the eve of his first book-signing, which had been in Los Angeles, Lucas had called Peyton and invited her, and when she'd said that she would be there, hope had taken root.
That hope was squelched when she didn't show, or at least, he'd thought she hadn't shown. Lucas only recently learned that Peyton had been there, but due to an innocent kiss on the cheek from Lindsey, she'd gotten the wrong idea and skipped out. For Lucas, it had been the final nail in his heart. Devastated, he'd sought comfort in Lindsey just like he had Brooke, and like Brooke, he'd eventually fallen in love with Lindsey. And now it was clear that history was repeating itself, because like before, Lucas had realized that he would always love Peyton above any other woman.
Sighing, Lucas rested his forehead on his folded hands. He wanted to cry out of sheer frustration and shame. This wasn't supposed to have happened again. He and Peyton weren't supposed to have broken up and he wasn't supposed to have fallen in love with another woman, just so he could end up breaking her heart like he had Brooke's. And he was going to break Lindsey's heart; there was no getting past it. He loved her, but he wasn't in love with her like he was Peyton.
Hell of a time to realize that.
Here, on the Rivercourt, in the middle of the night, it had all become clear to him, and Lucas knew what he had to do, even if he wasn't going to like doing it. He may have blown his chance with Peyton forever and he didn't want to hurt Lindsey, but even if Peyton never gave him the time of day again, he couldn't go on pretending with Lindsey. She deserved better than someone who couldn't give her his whole heart.
With a tortured grunt, Lucas got to his feet and retrieved the discarded basketball. He killed the floodlights that lit up the court, and then got behind the wheel of his Shelby Mustang, tossing the ball in the back seat. The engine came to life with a growl, and for a minute, Lucas simply sat back and allowed the cool air hissing from the vents to blanket him. Though it was October, the air outside was still stuffy and at times uncomfortably warm. Letting out another long sigh, Lucas slouched forward and leaned his head against the wheel.
The worst part about this whole situation was how much Peyton had suffered. The stricken look she'd had in her green eyes as he'd walked out of her office hours earlier was all he could picture, and it killed him that he had caused that. Lucas had never wanted to be the guy that made the girl he loved suffer, but he supposed he'd done that when he'd left her alone in that hotel room without saying goodbye. He hadn't been able to see past his own heartbreak and disappointment then, and he wished more than anything that he could've done things differently.
He could only hope Peyton would give him the chance to say all this.
Brooke hadn't come home yet by the time Peyton pulled into the driveway of the house they shared. Peyton was grateful, as now more than ever, she wanted and needed to be alone. She dragged herself out of the driver's seat of the Comet and lugged her purse as if it were a medicine ball as she made her way to the front door. She let herself in with her key and was greeted by an empty house.
A couple of lights had been left on in the den in hopes of giving any potential burglars the impression that someone was home. Tossing her purse down on the kitchen counter, Peyton stood still for a minute, looking at nothing. She was numb, her emotions having been completely drained out of her. Was it possible to feel so much pain and hopelessness that you lost the ability to feel any other emotion? That was pretty much how Peyton felt right now. The prospect of letting Lucas go, of giving up on the idea of them ever being together again after having held out hope for so long, made her nauseous, but what choice did she have?
Lucas had made it very clear that he loved Lindsey and didn't love her anymore. Tears threatened yet again and there was nothing Peyton wanted more than to lock herself in her room, crawl under the sheets, and never come out again. Instead, she grabbed a bottle of tequila and a shot glass from the mini-bar, and poured herself a drink. The alcohol burned her as it went down, and gave her a slight buzz, but it didn't relieve her suffering.
It wasn't fair. It wasn't fair for him to taunt her like that. To kiss her like he'd used to, and look at her the way he'd always looked at her, as far back as when they were sixteen. It wasn't fair that he could look so damn good, and it wasn't fair that he still believed in her, believed that she could conquer the world, even from Tree Hill. It wasn't fair that he could still see right through her, into her heart, and know her like nobody else could. It wasn't fair that he was still everything she'd ever wanted, and it especially wasn't fair that he'd fallen in love with someone else (even though she'd done the same back in L.A.).
It. Wasn't. Fair.
A couple of more shots, and she finally scrounged up the resolve to do what she had to do. Leaving the bottle and shot glass on the counter, she stumbled to her bedroom. A couple of minutes later, she returned carrying a stack of books. Her collection of "An Unkindness of Ravens." First edition hardcovers, first edition paperbacks, limited editions, signed and numbered editions; it was all there. Each tome had been bought and paid for with an intense mix of pride and yearning in her heart, and back in the city, she'd never gone anywhere without at least one of them in her purse.
She deposited the pile of literature on the coffee table in the den. She lit the fireplace and then went to fetch her booze. Somewhere between the kitchen counter and the couch, she'd begun to cry. On the floor, leaning up against the couch, bottle of tequila in her left hand (she hadn't bothered with the shot glass), she stared into the flames with blurry eyes. The mass of books on the coffee table stared back at her. Each tome was a printed record of all that she and Lucas were. Though on the surface "Ravens" was a chronicle of Lucas's life and the lives of those closest to him, the true core of the novel was essentially a love-letter to Peyton.
A letter that had never failed to lift her up when she was down, and had given her the strength to go on countless times when she'd contemplated giving up on her dreams and goals. And now, Peyton was going to burn that letter to ashes, every single copy of it she had. Because every word of love and adoration Lucas had written about her, every declaration of his need and want to be with her had been a lie. Because now, he was probably in the process of writing a new book about Lindsey Strauss.
A sob tore through her slender frame and the tears poured unrestrained from her eyes. Peyton didn't even bother trying to stop them. She had a feeling there were many more to come, and she'd rather get it out of her system as quickly as possible.
Then again, who was she kidding? Peyton would never be able to get Lucas Scott out of her system. She tipped the tequila to her lips and downed a large sip. Reaching out, she took one of the books in her hand and ran her fingers across the smooth cover. She lifted up the jacket and stared at the picture of Lucas above the author description. She could see the pride and jubilation in his eyes, but she also noticed a discreet emptiness lurking beneath the surface. Had it been because of her, she wondered? Had he been thinking of her when this picture was taken?
Shaking her head, Peyton tossed the book back with the others, disrupting the mound and causing a few of them to tumble off the table onto the floor. Sniffling, she took another swig of tequila and leaned her head back against the couch. Even now, she was still holding on. Her heart was still calling out to Lucas, despite there being no chance of an answer.
Where did she go from here?
As if he were standing at the threshold of a dark and dank dungeon filled with various torture devices that were encrusted with the dried blood of previous victims and overseen by a leering psychopath wielding a bone-knife, Lucas stood before the outside door to his bedroom, his stomach coiled into knots. The lights were on and Lindsey's car was parked out front which probably meant she was in there and awake. The creek and groan of the porch settling startled him somewhat and he blew out a breath. This was stupid. He should just open the door, walk in, and tell Lindsey what he needed to tell her. He was a writer. He should have no problem coming up with just the right words to explain to her that they weren't working and that he was still in love with Peyton. Lindsey had already pretty much figured that out on her own. She'd confronted him about it back at Tric, and though Lucas had denied it, she'd seen through that. So this shouldn't be that complicated.
But Lucas couldn't seem to will himself to move. He felt like a complete idiot and he probably was. A 23-year-old man too scared to confront his own (soon-to-be-ex) girlfriend: it didn't get much more pathetic than that. Maybe it was the notion that the heart of yet another perfectly wonderful girl was about to be shattered due to his tendency to lie to himself. He wanted to forestall causing Lindsey pain as much as possible, but he was already hurting her. Worse, he was hurting Peyton, and when it came down to it, if he had to hurt Lindsey to stop hurting Peyton, Lucas would have to do just that. It was fucked up, but that was how it was.
With the green-eyed blonde in mind, Lucas took the plunge and twisted the doorknob, inching the door inward. He didn't expect to see Lindsey sitting on his bed, her bags packed and surrounding her. Her icy-blue eyes were resigned as they focused on him and her shoulders were slumped slightly. She was beautiful, but her eyes weren't green and her hair wasn't the right shade of blonde. Her brows didn't rise and fall in that unique way when she was mad and her nose didn't scrunch when she was concentrating or perplexed. She was a morning person, and didn't grouse and complain incoherently if she rose before 8:30 and didn't get her coffee. She was organized, rather than messy, and she never wore ripped jeans or leather jackets.
She wasn't Peyton.
Deep down, Lucas had known this all along, but he'd wanted so badly to make it work because Lindsey wouldn't hurt him the way Peyton had. She couldn't, because she didn't have his whole heart.
The door clicked shut behind him as Lucas and Lindsey just stared at one another. "I've been waiting for you," she said softly.
Guiltily, Lucas looked down. "I know, I'm sorry, I was just…" He froze, speechless, as Lindsey suddenly produced the box that held Keith's engagement ring in her hand. The box that he kept in the locked drawer of his dresser along with all of the pictures of Peyton and the two of them together, the key to which he'd hidden from Lindsey. Apparently, she'd found it.
For a moment, Lucas was intensely livid at Lindsey for snooping through his personal things and for holding something that didn't belong to her—was never going to belong to her—in her hand. But he also felt like a shit for having strung her so far along. "Lindsey," he breathed. "I'm sorry, I…" Once again, he didn't get to finish his sentence.
"It's okay, Luke." She glanced down at the object in her hands. "Well no, it's not okay, but I get it. I know I shouldn't have gone in that drawer without your permission, but I was just looking for answers." She laughed humorlessly. "I definitely found them."
She stood up, still clutching the ring-box, and Lucas had to resist the urge to grab it from her. She paced around the bed and over to the dresser. "A lot of things make sense now," she said, turning to him. "Everything I suspected all along was true. I thought I was just being crazy and over-possessive, but it turns out my instincts were dead on."
Lucas shook his head. He wanted to say something, anything, but there was nothing he could say. There was no room for denial anymore; it was all out in the open. How could he apologize for something like this? He'd used this woman's love and devotion as a shroud to hide his heart behind, and now, he was going to have to cast that shroud aside. It wasn't fair to Lindsey and it certainly hadn't been fair to Peyton.
So Lucas kept his mouth shut and let Lindsey say what she needed to say.
"I knew. I mean, on some deep subconscious level, I knew you were still in love with Peyton. I mean, I edited the love story between you two and I was there when you fell apart after that book-signing, the one she didn't show up to." Gently, she placed the ring-box on the dresser and turned her body fully to face him. Her icy eyes were misted over with tears. "It's an epic love story, Luke, one for the classics. And I guess I just hoped that one day, maybe it could've been ours."
Lucas closed his eyes. He wasn't about to tell her that Peyton had been there at that signing, and that if she had approached him then, he and Lindsey never would've been anything more than friends and colleagues. He didn't want to rub salt in her wounds. He opened his eyes as Lindsey slowly approached him. He was expecting a slap. Instead, she reached out and ran her hand down his cheek. Her touch didn't ignite fire in his skin like Peyton's touch could.
"But there's no chance of that, is there? It's always going to be you and Peyton, and no one can ever get in the way of that." Tracts of tears made their way down her cheeks. "I love you Lucas, and I probably always will, but we both know that ring was never meant for me."
"Lindsey," Lucas finally spoke. "I'm sorry. I never meant to hurt you."
"I know you didn't, Luke." She gathered up her luggage, slinging the overnight bag across her shoulder, and brushed passed him toward the door. She stopped and withdrew the house-key he'd given her and placed it on the small wooden end-table that stood by the door. "I'll find you another editor. Goodbye Lucas."
"Lindsey." Her hand froze on the doorknob. "Thanks. I mean, for believing in me and making one of my dreams come true."
She didn't look at him. "The words came from you, Lucas. I just packaged and shipped them." She opened the door and stepped out, closing it behind her.
Lucas stared at the door for about a minute before he slumped down onto his bed. He was ashamed for having hurt her, but he was also immensely relieved. It was as if a 200-pound weight had been lifted from his shoulders and he felt like he could breathe again. He shouldn't feel like that. He had loved Lindsey, after all.
But he hadn't been in love with her for a long time.
Peyton's face flashed through his mind. The memory of their kiss and her tortured green eyes gnawed at him. He wanted to see her. Now. He wanted to run all the way across town to the house she shared with Brooke and tell her everything he should've told her at Tric, hell, even as far back as when he'd seen her for the first time in three years at the Rivercourt on the night she'd returned to Tree Hill. He wanted her to know that he and Lindsey were done and that he wanted to be with her, and that he still loved her.
But it was late and he was exhausted, and he'd just broken up with his girlfriend of two years. Lucas needed time and he had a feeling Peyton did as well. Tomorrow, he would find her and talk to her. His mind made up, Lucas called in sick for the next day and left messages for Skillz and Nathan informing them that he wouldn't be at practice and to carry on without him. He then stripped out of his mangy clothes, showered, and threw on a pair of pajama-bottoms and a grey t-shirt.
He slept for about five hours and dreamt about Peyton. He was woken by the sun streaming through the blinds, and as he sat up and wiped the cold out of his eyes, he briefly wondered if last night had been a dream as well. His gaze landed on the ring-box still sitting on the dresser where Lindsey had left it. Nope, it'd definitely been real. As he scanned the sun-dappled room, Lucas couldn't help but muse at how there were no traces of Lindsey remaining. He couldn't feel even a hint of her presence lingering anywhere.
One the other hand, everywhere he went, whether it was in his house or around town, Peyton was all around him. He extricated himself from the mangled comforter and slowly walked over to his dresser. He took the ring-box and carefully returned it to the drawer from whence it had come. Lucas didn't see any sense in locking it now that Lindsey was gone.
He showered, made the bed, and was just about to fix himself some toast when Haley James Scott burst through the front door, slamming it hard enough to shake the foundation. She marched towards him, her posture aggressive and her gaze steely. Her chestnut brown hair was tied up into a ponytail with only few bangs allowed to hang loose, and she was sporting her usual professional attire consisting of a button-down and black pencil-skirt.
She slammed her purse down onto the kitchen table and glared at him, hands on her hips. Confused, Lucas just stared at her. Had Lindsey called her? Was that why Haley seemed so angry at him? Her eyes were a curious mix of barely concealed fury and disappointment.
"Let me ask you something." Her voice was frosty. "Do you and Peyton have this plan where you get an innocent girl to fall in love with you just so the two of you can screw around behind her back?"
Stung and shocked, Lucas reeled back. The kiss with Peyton. That was what had Haley so riled up. Somehow, she'd seen them. Lucas shut his eyes and massaged his temple with his hand. There was no doubt he'd screwed up and made some really bad choices, but it hurt that his best friend thought he'd planned this all out and he was a little taken aback by her ferocity.
"Hales, I screwed up, I know that," he admitted. "But Peyton and I didn't hatch some scheme to hurt Lindsey. In fact, none of this was Peyton's fault, I was the one that kissed her."
A brittle laugh crackled from her lips as she threw her head back in disgust. "Of course you did. Jesus, Lucas, we're not in highschool anymore, we're not kids. You're a grown man, supposedly, and here you are acting like a confused and hormonal teenager. I swear, when I stepped into that office and saw you and Peyton, it felt like I was back in the library during your first affair with her. How could you do this to Lindsey, after everything she's done for you?"
"Haley…"
"No Lucas, no excuses! It's Brooke all over again! Not once, but twice now you've stomped all over the heart of someone that did nothing but love you and support you all because you can't sort out your feelings for Peyton!" Chest heaving and fists clenched at her sides, Haley's eyes burned with righteous anger. Lucas tried to control his own anger. He hated being lectured like this. Maybe he deserved it, but something else was going on, he could tell.
"God, alright Hales, I get it. Calm down already." Lucas put his hands up in surrender, hoping to placate his best friend.
It didn't work.
"Calm down?" she exploded. "First, Nathan almost gets into another bar brawl, then you start making out with Peyton while your girlfriend's in the same building—what's next: are you going to go out to some seedy bar, get drunk, and hook up with a random skank?"
There it was. Nathan. That was where the hysteria was coming from. Tears formed in Haley's brown eyes as she turned away and leaned on the kitchen table, wiping at her eyes. Lucas closed the distance and turned her around, pulling her into a comforting hug. Surprisingly, she didn't resist, she just buried her face into his chest.
"Nathan scared you, didn't he?" Lucas had witnessed the altercation between Nathan and that Jason guy, and he knew that if Haley hadn't pulled him away, things could've gotten really ugly. He didn't blame his brother for coming to his wife's defense—Lucas would've done the same thing—but he could only imagine how frightened Haley must've been in light of what had happened the last time Nathan had been in a club.
"Yeah, he did," Haley whispered into his shirt. She pulled back and sniffled. "I was so afraid he was going to get hurt again, and I just…freaked out. I'm sorry."
"I probably deserved it anyway," he joked. Lucas retrieved a box of tissues from his room and the two sat down at the kitchen table. After dabbing at her swollen eyes, Haley looked at him expectantly.
"So what are you going to do now, Luke?"
Lucas sighed and shrugged his shoulders as he leaned back in his chair. "I don't know, Hales. Everything's so screwed up and that's mostly my fault. I know I did the right thing by breaking up with Lindsey, even though I hated hurting her."
"And what about Peyton?" she prodded.
There was a beat of silence as Lucas just stared at the tabletop. "I love her, Hales, I never stopped. Last night, at Tric, she told me she still loved me too, and that she wished she'd said yes when I proposed. Basically everything I've wanted to hear for the past three years. But it pretty much knocked the wind out of me; so did her kiss. After that, I mumbled something about having to go see Lindsey and I left. I went to the Rivercourt for about an hour and that's when I realized I wanted Peyton."
"Wow," Haley breathed, eyes as wide as saucers.
"Yeah. God Hales, she looked so devastated when I walked out of there, I don't know if she'll even want to talk to me." He massaged his temples with his thumb and index finger, trying to ward off the headache that was rapidly taking form.
Haley took his other hand in hers and squeezed. "Lucas, I really like Lindsey, but I also suspected deep down that you and Peyton weren't finished. I'm glad you've stopped hiding your heart, but now you have to tell Peyton how you feel."
"I know and I will." Lucas gave Haley's hand a squeeze of his own. "And you have to talk to Nathan about how you feel."
She blew out a breath. "Alright, alright, point taken." She pushed her chair back and stood up as Lucas did the same. Slinging her purse around her shoulder, she stepped forward and wrapped him up in a hug. "Good luck, buddy."
"You too."
Lucas was afraid that if he ran into Brooke, he'd get the third degree, so he was immensely relieved when her car was absent from the spacious driveway of the three-story beach home the brunette owned. Brooke had always been protective of her best friend, and if Peyton had related last night's events to her, she'd probably be out for his blood. And besides, he needed to talk to Peyton alone, so it was good that the famous fashion designer wasn't around.
He pulled up beside the Comet, killed the engine, and exited his car. The sun was still low and a chilly breeze ruffled his coat somewhat as he made his way toward the front door. Lucas knocked and waited, but after several seconds, he knew Peyton wasn't going to answer. He tried the doorknob and wasn't entirely surprised when it turned without resistance. Some things never change.
Lucas opened the door cautiously and stepped into the foyer. Closing the door behind him with a soft click, he scanned the den and the kitchen area, but no Peyton. She could only be in her room then. The door to her bedroom was closed, but as he pressed his ear up against the doorframe, he couldn't make out any sound from inside. He expected her to be blasting music, but maybe she was still asleep. He knocked softly.
"Peyton?" he called out. No response. He turned the doorknob and slowly eased the door inward. When he poked his head inside, he found the room empty. Pushing the door all the way open, Lucas stepped inside and took everything in.
He'd never been in this room before and he felt a pang of nostalgia at how reminiscent of Peyton's childhood room it was. Grimly red walls, sketches hanging above the bed, votive candles scattered on the nightstand and on the dresser, and a vintage record player resting on a stand in the corner. It was all so Peyton and her essence permeated the air around him and sent a pleasant tingle through him. Lucas couldn't wait to tell her how he felt about her.
"What are you doing here?"
The voice from behind caused him to jump slightly and he whirled around, coming face-to-face with a pair of enflamed green eyes. Eyes that looked as though they'd been crying all night. Her mane of dark-blonde curls spilled over her bare shoulders and her arms were crossed defensively over her chest. She was wearing a black and white-striped sundress that gave him a flattering peak at her lower legs. His eyes lingered on her exposed neck and cleavage, and all he could think about was how much he wanted to kiss her bronze flesh. However, he snapped out of it as her gaze hardened and demanded an explanation of his presence here.
"I'm sorry. You didn't answer when I knocked and the door was open, so I…" He stumbled over his words.
"That doesn't answer my question," she snapped. "What are you doing here?"
Her walls were up in full force and Lucas didn't blame her. He was going to have to break them down again. "I wanted to see you."
Peyton raised an eyebrow.
"Look, about last night…" he began but didn't get to finish.
Peyton raised her hands. "Look, can we not?" She shuffled past him and sat down on the bed. Her gaze was trained on the floor and it seemed as if she were physically fighting the urge to look up. "It was a mistake, alright? Let's just forget about it."
"It wasn't a mistake, Peyton." Lucas desperately wanted her to know that he didn't regret that kiss. But he knew her, and he knew that she wasn't going to buy it if he tried to explain it to her.
She stared at him. Her heart thudded and she couldn't stop the small twinge of hope that blossomed in her chest. Peyton certainly hadn't expected Lucas to just show up like this and she certainly hadn't expected him to say something like that. When he'd pulled away last night in her office and told her he'd had to go see Lindsey, it had broken her. Now, the next morning, after she'd spent all night drowning her sorrows in tequila knowing she would have to let him go, he was throwing her a lifeline.
It was too good to be true.
"Don't say that," she whispered.
"Why not? It's the truth." She shook her head, trying to deny his words, but he wasn't having any of it. He knelt down in front of her, aligning their eyes, and took her hands in his, relishing how warm and soft they were. "Peyton, the only mistake last night was me walking away from you and not telling you that I still loved you too."
Peyton recoiled in shock. Her eyes widened almost comically, and she gaped at him. Did he really just say that? Pure, unadulterated jubilation filled her and the hole in her heart seemed to close up. She wanted to jump up and down and shout for joy. But as quickly as she rose, she found herself falling just as rapidly. Peyton had heard this all before. Lucas had promised to love her in the past; after he'd recovered from his heart attack and at the airport right before she'd left for L.A.
He said he'd love her forever and that he would never leave her. But he had. When she'd woken up that morning in that hotel room, he'd been gone, and only the mix she'd made for him had remained, lying supinely on the pillow. Lucas had known her history; he'd known she had a complex about people leaving without saying goodbye. So if he really did love her, how could he have done something like that in the first place?
Worse, after a year of silence, he'd called her out of the blue and invited her to his book-signing, getting her hopes up, only to shatter them with his new girlfriend. Then, when she quit her job and returned to Tree Hill for him, he'd rubbed Lindsey in her face every chance he got. Now he expected her to just melt into his arms like nothing had happened?
Uh-uh, wasn't going to happen.
Peyton exploded from the bed, brushed past Lucas, and stormed out of her bedroom. Lucas rose and followed her out into the common area. "Peyton," he called out to her.
She whirled on him, eyes blazing. "You need to leave."
Crushed, Lucas shook his head. "Peyton, please…"
"No! Lucas, you can't just come here and say something like that!"
"Why not?"
"Because I've decided to let you go," she said, her voice wavering.
Icicles of sorrow punctured his heart at her words. "You don't have to let me go, Peyt, I'm right here and I want to be with you."
She shook her head. "No, it's too late. You chose Lindsey, Lucas, and I'm not going to be the other woman again. Now please, just leave. Go home to your girlfriend."
"Lindsey's gone, Peyton," Lucas said. "We ended things last night."
Stunned, Peyton just stared at him. Was he being serious? Had he really broken up with Lindsey for her? Back in highschool, it was Brooke who had dumped him, and even then, it'd taken her telling him she loved him and a moment of clarity in the wake of victory at the State Championship for him to finally come around to her. Now, he was telling her that he loved her and that he'd left an incredibly smart and beautiful woman to be with her. Things were different this time, they had to be.
Nevertheless, old fears and insecurities continued to fuel her resolve to push him away. What if he changed his mind? What if she and Lucas got together but then broke up again and lost each other forever? What if he left her again? It was too risky. There were too many what-ifs and Peyton wouldn't survive heartbreak like that again.
"It doesn't matter," she whispered.
"It does matter!" Lucas closed the distance between them and cupped her cheeks with his hands. His blue eyes bore into her green ones. "I thought I was in love with Lindsey, but the truth is, I was just hiding my heart with her. I know I hurt you, and I'm sorry. I want to spend the rest of my life making it up to you if you'll let me."
He kissed her then, and their lips and tongues melded together. Lucas wrapped his arms around her and pulled her slender frame up against his own. Her scent intoxicated him and her taste made him crave her. Eventually, they broke apart and Peyton pushed him back and scurried away. Crestfallen, Lucas watched her retreat into her room. He felt sixteen again, at Dan's party, right after the first time she'd kissed him and rejected him.
But then Peyton reemerged carrying a cardboard box. She tossed the box down onto the floor between them and when Lucas peered inside it, he saw copies of his book. "I spent all last night in front of the fireplace trying to work up the courage to burn these. But I couldn't do it. I couldn't let you go."
Lucas gently wiped her tears away. "I couldn't let you go, either, even when I was with Lindsey."
"Why did you leave me in that hotel room?" Her voice was small and fragile, and her eyes were wounded. "After you left, I spent all day in that room, holding the mix I made you in my hands, and I convinced myself that you'd be back. But you never came back."
Lucas's chest clenched and he swore he could've died of shame right then and there. This was agonizing to listen to, but he had to, he owed it to her. He smoothed out her curls lovingly. "You'll never know how sorry I am, Peyton. I was hurt and confused and I didn't think you wanted me anymore, so I left. I wish I could take it back. I wish I could take it all back."
"Even the proposal?" Her expression was accusatory now. "Because Lucas, I never said no."
"I know that now, Peyt. I took it as a no because it wasn't a yes. And you were right, I did propose out of insecurity." It felt liberating to finally be honest, both with Peyton and with himself. Just like after he'd broken up with Lindsey, Lucas seemed to shed yet another invisible weight.
"What were you insecure about, Luke?" Peyton desperately wanted to know this. She wanted to know what had driven him to propose so suddenly and then flee when all she'd suggested was that they wait.
Lucas looked up at the ceiling for a second, gearing himself up for what he was about to say. Finally, he turned back to Peyton. "It felt like you were slipping away. I thought that I was losing you. When the emails stopped coming so frequently and the phone calls stopped altogether, I was afraid that maybe after seeing an experience L.A. you'd outgrown me. That I wasn't enough for you anymore. So I tried to hold on to you, to us, by proposing."
Peyton's heart broke. That he'd even felt that way for a minute sent a sharp stab of guilt through her stomach. Her schedule had been crazy back then, but she should've made more of an effort to keep in touch with him. She threw her arms around him and buried her face in the crook of his neck. Her body shook as tears escaped. "How could you ever think that you weren't enough for me?"
"I know it sounds selfish, but…"
"No! Lucas, look at me," she commanded, and he gave her his full attention. "There was never a moment that I wasn't thinking of you; that I didn't miss you. You have no idea how much I wanted to marry you, Luke, but I knew it wasn't the right time. It wasn't because you weren't enough for me, Lucas, you're everything I've ever wanted and needed in life. Don't you dare doubt that!"
"I never will again, I promise," he assured her.
"Good," she breathed, then grabbed him and kissed him hard. She broke their lip-lock after a few seconds. "I love you," she whispered.
Euphoria dazzled his senses as he let out a grateful breath. "I love you too, Peyton."
"We can't just jump back into things. We have a lot to talk about, and it's going to take time to get back to where we were," she told him.
"It's okay, Peyt, we have all the time in the world."
She smiled and then they kissed again. Sure they were going to take it slow, but that didn't mean they couldn't have a little fun.
~All Around Me End