Author: Phoebe Otaku
Title: The Way I Am
Disclaimer: Rurouni Kenshin and its associated characters do not belong to me. Nor does the song Cold by Crossfade.
Author's Notes: This completely popped into my head while listening to the radio in my dorm room. Who am I to argue when inspiration strikes? You just don't say things like "what about my other two stories I'm working on?" to the muses. They have a tendency to get pissed when you do that and we all know how much that can cramp your style...
A bit of Aoishi introspection here with no real set grammatical structure to it. Choppy vs. run on vs. one word vs. poetic sentences abound here... I'm sorry to the real sticklers for this kind of thing. But honestly, does your inner monologue occur in complete sentences? Nevermind, don't answer. We'll just establish that mine does not.
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
The polished glass was cool under my fingertips. Cold. Bleak. Still. My reflection in more ways than one…
Looking back at me
Shaking my head slightly I turn away from the small mirror, the beginning of my daily ritual of self-torture. Or search for truth. Or tranquility. Or forgiveness. It didn't matter what I called it, it was the same really. The name seemed to change based on the weather, time of day, or ….
I see that I never really got it right
…Misao.
I never stopped to think of you
I sigh as I don my yukata, surveying my many scars briefly before tying it closed. My kodachi stay in their corner, my hands itch to practice again. To lose myself in the simplicity of a complicated dance. Losing myself…I cannot do that now. I have to trust myself first. Trust. Maybe never.
I'm always wrapped up in things I cannot win
My thoughts are interrupted. Not unpleasantly, by Misao with tea. As is her daily ritual of self-torture. Or selfless love. Or hopelessness. I cannot claim to name it for her, but I'm sure it changes as well. I wish I could bring myself to speak more than a few words to her. So much to say…
You are the antidote that gets me by
These moments are the only semblance of peace I truly get, despite my efforts in meditation. Soon though, it will begin again tenfold. Misao's presence has that power over me. Do I love her? Each day that becomes clearer to me. I loved her as a child –when she was a child. Now she is a woman. I cannot deny that, my own dreams would be evidence of the lie if nothing else. Do I deserve her? Not a chance in a thousand lifetimes. Yet here she is, every day, right in front of my eyes, offering herself to me…
Something strong…
…her heart. As a woman.
like a drug that gets me high
"Misao." I say suddenly to her retreating back. There is a slight pause before her response as though she is surprised by my voice.
"Aoishi-sama?" So respectful, so loyal, even to her fallen Okashira. The shell of a man that I know I am. I had completely betrayed her, more so than the others. Leaving her behind was my first betrayal to her childish love, even if it had been necessary. My descent into evil betrayed again the love and perfect image I knew she had held of me. And she is still beside me. Why?
"Arigatou." I say finally, the silence stretching past the normal bounds suitable for conversation.
What I really meant to say…
"…for the tea." I continue, taking in her confused look. Not what I wished to say, but the light in her eyes chipped at the ice on my heart, shone in the blackness of my soul.
…Is I'm sorry for the way…
"It's nothing, Aoishi-sama, I'm happy to do this for you." She says quietly. 'To share this with you' her eyes finish.
…I am
I know that my face gives away nothing as she bows to me, again too much honor for me, and leaves me to my mediation. I have never shown emotion like a normal man. I cannot help that flaw now. But…
I never meant to be so cold
I could almost wish that I didn't know her every emotion, her heart, so well. I never thought I would curse my powers of observation and deduction. But it occurs to me that even had I been a blind fool I would have still known. Even in the depths of my madness…
I never meant to be so cold
I don't normally dine with the rest of the Oniwabanshu, but tonight was one of the rare exceptions to the rule. I'm not sure how comfortable they are with me. Okina has forgiven me but there is still a wariness. Not distrust. Simply the knowledge of the depths to which I am capable of falling. Misao, as Okashira, has accepted me and displayed her fathomless belief and trust in me. Even knowing this I cannot trust myself completely. Instead I'm distant…
…Cold to you
…Misao.
I'm sorry about all the lies
Apologies have been said and accepted. She understands that I can't accept the forgiveness as easily as she gives it. She bids me good night and once again leaves me to my thoughts. For me she would forgive anything and it frightens me.
Maybe in a different light
I'm tired of the impossibilities and 'if onlys' that chase me from sleep. If only I had been stronger. If only my men had not sacrificed themselves for such an unworthy leader. If only…
You could see me stand
I turn slowly and wonder how long she's been watching me pace. So beautiful. Glowing in the moonlight from my open window, hair loose, sleeping yukata rumpled and almost scandalously dipping off of one shoulder. I am glad that my position in the darkness hides my face. The knowledge that none of it was done to deliberately entice makes it harder for me to avert my eyes. She should not be here, but somehow my wakefulness tonight has kept her from her rest. I mean to tell her to go. But I don't want to be alone with my thoughts…
…On my own again
"Aoishi…" she says quietly while watching me intently before striding over to me, the only sign of her nervousness the slight trembling of the hand placed on the exposed part of my chest, running her fingertips gently over the scars. Her heart is pounding, my own is a deafening rush in my ears. I should move away but I am paralyzed by the feelings her touch is eliciting from me…
…Cause now I can see…
"Misao…" is all I say as her hands grip the front of my yukata, pulling my lips to hers. Shock allows for some loss of control, but there is a part of me screaming to stop. As it is, the sweetness of her mouth, her body, her arms around me. I cannot stop…
You were the antidote that got me by
I had dreamed of this. One of the impossibilities. Dismissed because I was too tainted, too unworthy. It is hard to feel unworthy with her gentle sighs and gasps in my ear, her hands gripping my shoulders while she whispers and begs and shows me her love…
Something strong like a drug that got me high
The first sight that greets my eyes is Misao's naked form curled against my side, the predawn light both revealing and concealing her from me. The night that brought me this treasured sight should not have happened. I run a finger along her soft skin before pulling away. I have to think, to walk, to move. I think for a moment about waking her but instead leave without a word…
What I really meant to say…
I try to think of what I could have said when I left. Words completely fail me. For the first, if not the last, time in my life. If I had not left I would have muttered and apology for taking what I had no right to. I am intelligent enough to know that it would have angered her to hear it. What do you say to a woman who accepts all that you are even when you cannot?
…Is I'm sorry for the way
I left her alone in my bed. Alone. Without a word. My own stupidity astounds me. My silence would not have been as terrible as my disappearance.
…I am…
…Misao.
I never meant to be so cold
Now she is wondering. Guessing. …She will forgive me again. There is certainty in the world and it can rest solely on that fact. I do not deserve anything that she has given me. I never want to hurt her…
I never meant to be so cold
More than my own life, I want her happiness. I want to hide all the darkness of the world from her. I want to protect her from it. I am that darkness…
I never really wanted you to see…
All the times that I've betrayed her or hurt her. And here she stands. Waiting. For me, always. I've made so many mistakes…
…The screwed up side of me that I keep…
I see her outside the Aoiya. The reflection of myself in her eyes is so perfect, as though I do not have flaws…or at least despite them she still sees perfection. I can't escape my flaws…
…Locked inside of me so deep
The only fear she has ever had of me, or concerning me, has been that I will leave her. Forever. She has always wanted to be by my side. Forever. Without realizing it she has become my world, my peace. The sheath for the naked blade in my soul. The light in the void of my heart. There is a question in her eyes, an apprehension, a fear. She wants to love me this way. I want to belong completely to her…
It always seems to get to me
Every time she left me to my thoughts. Every time I watched her walk away from me, longing for her to stay…
I never really wanted you to go
So much I should tell her. To push her away, to save her…
So many things you should have known…
…Misao.
…I guess for me there's just no hope
"Misao…" I can't hurt her more. Even if it is the right thing to do, even if it is what I should do, even if it would be better for her. I'm not a perfect man. I've never been called weak. But that is what I am, in this moment I know that truth more than anything else. I cannot turn her away. I am weak. Realizing that the tears are gathering in her expressive eyes I know that the silence has stretched more than I wanted. I will have to start again… "Misao…"
I never meant to be so cold
"…I never meant to be so cold…."
What I really meant to say…
"Aoishi-sama?" she stared up at me, confusion apparent in her eyes. Hope blossoming. She knows me enough to guess what I meant…but for all her optimism she needs to have more from me.
"I'm sorry…" Nervousness is not something I am accustomed to. This is all I can bring myself to say now…
…Is I'm sorry for the way…
But soon...Soon. Her eyes were shining with unshed tears, I feel my heart clutch in my chest until I see her smile. A beacon into my soul. My peace.
…I am…
So unworthy. But it doesn't matter. Not to her. I can feel the beat of my heart, the life pulsing through me. One…Two…beats pass as she stares at me, blinking. Before she throws herself into my arms, her warmth pressed against me, her heartbeat an echo of my own…
I never meant to be so cold
She is so warm in my arms. So forgiving.
I never meant to be so cold
…Misao. Aishiteru.