The Fight
Tony slammed the front door, and Gibbs stomped down to the basement. The living room walls sighed in relief at the gush of wind from the front and basement doors, and reveled in the silence where just moments before there were yells of anger and frustration. Words had been thrown around, hard, cold, vicious words that dug and stung, revealing thoughts better left hidden if both the house and their relationship were to stay intact.
The front door winced at the way it tried to bounce back, unable to as the latch caught. It watched Tony leave from the outside, and it wondered if the younger man knew what he had just said, and what it had meant to the man he had yelled it at. The dining room table wondered if Gibbs knew what his words had done to his lover, and it wished its legs were good for more than standing as he had pushed his chair out of his way so hard that it slammed against the table's edge.
The house was silent now, settling into its own creaks and pops, and it was sad at the prospect of going cold and quiet again, afraid that maybe this time, it was for good.
x-x-x
The door whined a little as it opened, the hallway light spilling in before Gibbs could reach over and turn it off. He hadn't heard Tony come home, so he was surprised to find the bedroom door closed, and even more surprised to find his lover in bed on the other side, out cold. He figured Tony would have gone over to Abby's to drink and mope like usual, or out to a bar that he'd eventually have been called to pick him up from.
He watched Tony sleep in the beams of light that fell into the room, his hand falling from the light switch in that moment when he realized the bed was occupied. His heart hurt, ached, and leapt in joy at the sight. He'd been really afraid that Tony wouldn't come home this time. He leaned against the door, watching him sleep fitfully, and he knew that he was the reason for the younger man's tossing and turning.
Tony'd had such a shitty week, and he knew it, but instead of cutting Tony some slack, he'd pushed back when Tony snapped, and all hell had broken loose. His week hadn't been a walk in the park either, but he knew that Tony'd had it thrice as hard between his father's most recent shenanigans, his team squabbling and Vance's questions regarding it, and his annual meeting with the shrink. He looked down at his watch to see the time, but the date is what smacked him upside the head. He took a deep breath, and ran his hands down his face before flipping the light off finally, and closed the door behind him with a shake of his head.
How could he forget? He didn't even know if Tony remembered, but knowing Tony, he did. Tony remembered their anniversary of the first time they had kissed, their first real date, their meeting in Baltimore, everyone's birthday on the team, the anniversary of Ziva's father's death, of McGee joining the team… he had a thing for memorable dates, and he made reasons to celebrate whenever he could.
Today wasn't a day of celebration though; today his day to mourn.
As Gibbs took off his sweatshirt and jeans, he felt like an idiot. Tony had sat by his side the entire day of the 25th anniversary of losing his girls, keeping silent vigil. Now, on the anniversary of Tony's mom's death, he'd torn his head off and handed it to him.
He crawled into bed and immediately curled into Tony, pulling him into his arms. Tony stirred in his sleep, and Gibbs whispered, "I'm sorry, Tony." Tony shivered in his sleep, snuggling back against Gibbs, his arms coming around the strong arms that held him without thinking. Gibbs laid there for an hour, hoping he could find a way out of the things he'd said that night until he fell asleep.
Meanwhile, Tony was having a dream. It wasn't quite a nightmare, but it wasn't exactly pleasant. He was dancing with his mom, her blond hair swinging around her. Their song was playing, and she laughed as he told her to watch the moves he had made up. She'd made him take lessons in ballroom before he was too old to care about whether or not it was cool or masculine, but he preferred something more flashy with lots of spins.
After one spin that seemed to go on forever, the laughter changed to cries, and when he stopped spinning, the giggling he'd been caught up in stopped abruptly. His mom was a frozen statue of the last time he saw her, floating on her back in midair, the arm closest to him hanging over the side of an invisible gurney. He slowly walked towards it, sliding his fingers into the stone grey fingers in front of him, wishing he could touch that warm hand that used to take his as they crossed the street together in front of the movie theater near the boardwalk.
He looked down at the eyes beneath him, suddenly at his full height, his real age. They were beautiful green eyes, just like his, that his father would comment on whenever he was three sheets gone. When he was little, it was comforting to hear. As he got older, it made him angry, but now, he was simply impassive to it, knowing his father's mind was a messy place he'd prefer to stay far from. As he looked down though, the green eyes were alive, trapped in the stone, pleading with him. Her voice echoed in his head, and though it hurt, he grit his teeth and he bore down, taking the pain those words etched on him as a small price to pay to hear that voice again.
"It's short, my little Tony. It's much too short. You get one, just one, and you never realize just how valuable it is while you have it. Make the most of it. Don't let it slip by you."
"I miss you," he whispered, reaching down to run a finger along her stone cheek.
"Heed my warning, Tony!" she suddenly yelled. "Pay attention! Are you living it? Can you taste it when you wake up in the morning? Do you feel it running through your veins? I don't have life anymore. I didn't realize just how important it is! It's precious, Tony! Feel it! You'd better be living it!"
The harsh way her words rang in his head reminded him of how she'd act when she was drinking whiskey. She only drank it when she was angry at his dad, because she knew that Senior hated the smell of it, and wouldn't try to kiss her and charm her back into his good graces. She'd had a whole bottle the night she took things too far. It made her as hard as the stone she was now incased in.
He shook his head, remembering the way she would rant about being stuck in her life when she was like that, and about how she wished it would just end. He had never felt good enough for anyone his entire life because he would hear those words echo though him, reminding him that he wasn't worth living for.
He suddenly wasn't in the old den with his mother, but in Gibbs' house with him, sitting on the couch, staring into the blue eyes that at times could be warmer than he'd ever seen a man's eyes. They were warm like that now, and Tony's hands were shaking in his lap.
It was the night Tony had admitted he was in love with him, and he was taken completely by surprise when Gibbs had leaned in and kissed him right then and there. He felt the elation again of that first kiss, and his head spun just like it had when he was a kid, dancing in the den with his mother. When he opened his eyes, he wasn't himself. He was the walls of the living room, changing angles as he watched himself fight with Gibbs.
"Will you just back the fuck off for once?! Give me a fucking chance to breathe! I don't know where my head is, and if you would have opened your eyes at all this week, you would have seen that!"
"Yeah, I can have seen it! I've seen just how much you've had your head stuck up your ass, not paying attention to anything except whatever is going on in Tony's world!"
He felt himself shudder. He wanted to reach out and make them stop, afraid of the words that they were both going to say next, and he tried to force himself to turn into something other than the flat surface covered with beige paint, but no matter what he did, he couldn't change this. It wasn't as much of a dream as it was a memory, and it was already decided on, a stark reminder that you can't change the past.
"Yeah, what about Tony's world? Huh? You're supposed to be a part of that! Where in the hell have you been this week? You've left me out there, hanging out to dry!"
"I had a case, Tony! You remember that thing we do? Work? Oh, wait, that's right, you've been too busy this week to do that!"
"Excuse me?"
"If you would just separate your personal life from work a little better-"
"SEPARATING MY PERSONAL LIFE? ME? SEPARATE MY PERSONAL LIFE? I THINK YOU FORGET THAT YOU'RE THE REASON I'M STUCK-
"Oh, yeah, it's alllllllll my fault. That's right. I forgot that I'm the one-"
"Yeah, it's your fault, Jethro! You're the one that couldn't handle having me in both your personal life and professional life, so I stepped down, for you."
"Hell, it turned out, didn't it?"
"Apparently not! Because I'm managing a team that hates me, that hates each other, that's screwing up and screwing off-"
"If you can't handle it, then turn it over!"
"You'd like that, wouldn't you? So that I'd have to go back to your team, and you can have all the power again? So you could have an excuse to walk away from this, away from me? Moody Tony? Can't do anything right? Let me tell you something, Jethro- if you can't handle being in a committed relationship, maybe you ought to stop getting into them, because me, and all of the ex-wives, aren't just your temporary emotional candy turned punching bags! Make up your mind, because I'm THIS FUCKING CLOSE to making up your mind for you!"
Tony watched himself turn around and storm out of the house. He suddenly felt like the wind had been knocked out of him as he was no longer the wall, but the front door. He watched himself take off down the front sidewalk, and reach in his pockets to find that his keys weren't there. He knew now that was the only reason why things had turned out the way they had. Instead of driving to his favorite watering hole, he had went running down the sidewalk, deciding that pounding out a few miles would be a decent enough back up plan.
He suddenly felt another slam against his body, and realized he was in the dining room. His chest hurt like someone had just hit him with a crowbar, and he saw the house at a different angle. He was only the dining room table for a moment, but the urge to run away hit him hard. The next moment, he was a person again, only he was in the basement, watching Gibbs turn the bottle of bourbon in his hand, sitting it down without opening it. Instead, the older man sat down on his stool, bending over the table, both of his hands in his hair.
This wasn't his memory, but he knew it was exactly how things went as well as he knew that grass was green and sky was blue. It was too real. He watched as Jethro bent forward over the table, his head resting on his arms in defeat.
"I can't lose him, too, Mike. Why do I always do that? How do I always find the worst way to screw it up?"
Tony was startled when a different voice began coming from his mouth, which was moving without his approval.
"Kid's hard, Gunny, but he ain't you. He's got different priorities, and they ain't yours. You gotta give him his time to put 'em in place. You're not the only one changin', and he's gotta lot to learn that doesn't have a damned thing to do with you. And you, you gotta remember that this isn't Jethro's world anymore. He's not the only one with his head stuck in his ass, but if I had to side with one of ya, I'd take his. Did I not teach you anything? Did I not get it through that thick skull of yours that family means more than the job ever will?"
Tony watched Gibbs sit up straight with a groan. He watched Franks step forward from his own body towards Gibbs when he saw Gibbs take his cell phone from his pocket, and head slap him. Tony almost laughed, but he couldn't, he suddenly didn't have a body again.
"Didn't I just tell ya to give him some damned space to get his head on straight, Gunny! Damn, you'd think you didn't have ears!"
Gibbs sat the phone down on the table, and shook his head. He went upstairs, and ten minutes later came back with a large mug of coffee. Tony kept waiting to wake up, but he didn't. He regained some sense of his body. Though he couldn't see his feet, he felt them hurting from standing there in one spot, and when he tried to move, he found out he could sit on the stairs.
He watched as Gibbs sat at the work table with his mug, doing nothing but thinking and sipping. He could almost hear his lover's thoughts, and he was startled when he heard Franks' voice pipe up from across the table.
"Gears are turning so hard they're smokin'. You workin' it out?"
Gibbs nodded, and sat his coffee down.
"All I've ever wanted was my family back. Been too blind to see that's what he is to me now. Just hope it's not too late to let him know that."
"Kid is the type that's gonna need to hear it, and you're gonna need to prove it. Been watching him, and he's just about as screwed up as you, Gunny. Go fix this. If you do it right, maybe you can fix ya both." Gibbs nodded and stared across the table as Mike, and Tony felt his heart break as Gibbs reached out to try to put his hand on his shoulder and it fell right through, Mike disappearing. His hand stayed in midair for a moment.
"One more thing I screwed up. Well, I'm not screwing this one up any worse than I already have. Love him too damned much. Thanks, Mike," he whispered. Tony could feel tears slipping over his invisible cheeks.
He blinked, and he wasn't in the basement anymore.
He was standing on the roof of the building where Kate had been shot. She was standing there, a soft smile on her face, and he shuddered hard at the sight of her. He didn't say a word, but reached out to hug her, and he could feel her warmth as she hugged him back.
"Thought I told you to stay out of trouble, Tony."
Tony stepped back and wiped his eyes again, his mouth hanging open as he looked at her.
"You know that's impossible."
Kate shook her head, still smiling. "No, it's not, Tony. And it's time you accept that. I have a secret I'm here to tell you."
"Oh, yeah? What's that?"
"You're worth it."
Tony's confusion was written on his face. "Worth what?"
"Everything. You're worth everything you want. You're worth being loved, being shown that love, and feeling that love. You're worth the pain he's going to have to deal with in order to understand what you mean to him. You're worth the pain you're going to have to accept in order to heal enough to be happy. You're worth letting go of the past, and living in the present. You're worthy of a real life, Tony. Enjoy it.
"Enjoy your new role at work. Take command your way, not his. You're not him, Tony. You've grown so much, and I'm so proud of you. I knew you had it in you. Take the reins in your own way. Don't worry about what he thinks about it, don't worry about what Vance thinks about it. Just do it your way, and everything will turn out okay. I promise."
Tony swallowed hard. Those were the words he had needed to hear more than anything, and he'd been waiting to hear them from Gibbs, but somehow, hearing them from Kate meant even more to him.
"Thanks, Kate."
"And that other thing?" she said.
Tony froze. She stepped up to him, and put her hands on his shoulders. "There's only one life. Give it everything, make it last, and don't spend it alone. I miss it, a little less these days, but when I remember things like the way fall breezes felt like across my face, whipping my hair back, or the way that candle smelled that you got me at Christmas… those are things you don't get to keep. Promise me you'll ride this out. Promise me you'll take the time for those things, because those things don't last Tony, and eventually, when you get here, I'll ask you to remind me about all of them."
Tony leaned forward and wrapped his arms around her again, hanging on while he could. "I promise, Kate."
"Take care of each other, Tony. It's gone in the blink of an eye, but every minute is worth it. We're so lucky to have been given the chance to experience it." She held on tightly to him, and he realized that he didn't feel a heartbeat under his chest where it was pressed against hers.
He suddenly startled awake, sitting up straight in bed, gasping. He looked down at Gibbs sleeping next to him, and he felt the overwhelming need to make sure he was real and alive. He laid down next to him, watching the way his breath made his chest rise and fall. He spent the next hour watching his eyes flutter behind their lids, and the slight movements that came with dreaming.
Tony wondered if he was crazy for dreaming about the basement, Franks and Kate. He remembered every minute of his dream like it was reality, and he replayed it over in his head as he considered what he was going to do about his fight with Gibbs.
He made a decision that instead of fighting with him, he'd consciously fight for him. He'd also demand the same in return. Franks was right- family was more important, and they were each other's family now. Kate was right- how he led his new team was his decision, and he needed to own that. They only had one life to live, and he was going to have to live it his way because no one else had to deal with it like he would. His mom was right- life was short. If there was one thing the woman had taught him, it was that you never knew what would be your last day.
Kate had seen that faint shadow of a thought in the back of his head that thought maybe his mom had had the right idea about ending it early. It wasn't anything he had considered lately, but that overwhelming feeling was starting to weigh on him again, and everything around him threatened to crush him. She had said that she was proud of him, though, and he wouldn't let her down. He took a deep breath and reiterated his promise to her in his mind now that he was awake.
"Damn, I should have asked her about little Kate," he said softly, kicking himself as he thought about his lost pet fish.
"What?" Gibbs asked in a sleepy daze.
Tony smiled and blushed in embarrassment, shaking his head. "Nothing, Jethro. Go back to sleep."
"Sorry, Tony," Gibbs said roughly, still not fully awake as he put his arms around Tony and pulled him against him, hugging him to him tightly. "So, sorry. Please stay."
Tony's eyes closed as they burnt with real tears this time, and hugged his lover back tightly. "I'm not going anywhere, Jethro. Go back to sleep."
"Mmkay. You stay here though," he whispered, his breathing growing shallower.
Tony nuzzled into him. "Right here."
The clock behind Jethro's head read a quarter after three as Jethro fell back to sleep. As Tony started dozing off, he promised himself that he would wake up tasting life, and he would live it to the fullest, stopping to make the kinds of memories Kate would want to hear about one day with his family. He gave Gibbs a kiss to the temple, and then he let himself drift off into a dreamless sleep.