yes, its more kain angst, but i had a really crappy day.
Disclaimer: i do not own Fianl Fantasy 4 or its characters.
His room is dark, save for the weak light of a single flickering candle. He prefers it this way, dark so that he cannot see the specters of his victims or the lack of forgiveness in his own eyes.
The darkness has become his only friend--the only one he will allow himself, at any rate. The others don't understand his distance, don't understand why he only wants to be alone. Rydia, perhaps is the singular exception, having been raised in her own land of darkness by creatures less than human.
She comes to him sometimes, trying to drag him into the light of the rest of the world, but it never works. The magical forgiveness that Cecil has received will never work for him; never work for the right hand of Golbez, destroyer of kingdoms. He appreciates that she tries, but he can't manage to leave his dark world now.
His armor is on its rack in the corner, spear at the side gathering dust. Its been months since he put it on, and he's not sure he could lift it all anymore. It doesn't matter; he isn't going to use it anymore anyway.
He rarely leaves the chair he is sitting in. He only eats because Rosa or Rydia bring him food. No one could say when the last time he used the bathing rooms was, but he's become used to his own stench.
It doesn't matter anyway. No one ever sees him but the Caller, and soon she is sure to stop visiting as well.
No one can stand to be around a murderer for long.
He doesn't turn when the door opens; he knows that it is one of the women bringing him food that he will barely touch.
"Kain, this has to stop." Rosa today, it seems. "Do it for the rest of us, if not for yourself."
"Why bother? Everyone hates me." His voice is a dry rasp, and breaks at the end of his short sentence. Neither of them remember when the last time was that he spoke.
"See? I told you; that's his answer for everything, when he bothers to talk." Rydia too today. Surprising; they've never come together before. "I keep trying, and that's all he keeps telling me."
The Caller sounds almost hurt. He must be imagining things.
"I had to try," Rosa tells her. "For Cecil's sake."
Rydia does not answer. He hears the door close, and knows that one of the women has left, but he can still feel the presence of the second behind him.
He isn't surprised to see that its Rydia, when she comes around the chair to face him. "You're killing them, you know. All of us really. Every day, we all watch you here, in your dark little cave, dying piece by piece in front of us."
"What?" He doesn't really understand what she means.
"Oh, we feed you and water you like a loyal hound, but its just prolonging the inevitable. You don't move from your chair, you don't bathe, you barely eat. I haven't seen you open a window in six months. You look like the walking dead, Kain. All we need is for you to stop breathing to make it final; most of the planet has already written you off."
"Good. Its better that way."
"If that's what you want, then just do something about it. Stop dragging us all down. Just make the goddamned break already!" There are tears running down the girl's face, glittering in the weak light.
"Rydia…" Her tears have moved something inside him--something that he thought long dead. He is at a loss for words beyond her name, however.
"Don't bother trying, Kain. We both know you don't really care what everyone thinks about you. Its always been about what you think of yourself."
She leaves then, surprising him again by closing the door gently behind her. He had been expecting an angry slam.
Just make the goddamned break already! Her words echo in his mind, and for the first time in days, he rises from his chair to do more than use the chamber pot. Uncertainly, he walks to the window and opens it with a shaking hand.
Her room is dark, lit only by a single flickering candle. She is not unaware of her similarity to Kain in this. Ten years living in the Underworld--and repeated return visits--have instilled a preference for darkness in her. Bright light are harsh on her eyes, and bright people harsh on her mind. She understands the darkness and is comfortable in it, be it in people or places.
Besides, darkness is merely a trick of the light. She understands that as well; to have light is to have darkness, and vice versa. The two cannot live without the other. Even their own adventuring group had been split almost evenly between the light and the dark, if one were to count vengeance as a dark trait. Cecil, Rosa, Edward, Yang and Cid had been the forces of light; she, Kain, Edge and Tellah the darkness. The twins had been obviously split down the middle as well; the light had only just overshadowed the darkness in the end. But one did not have to be evil when one was dark--after all Cecil had been good while he was a Dark Knight, but his becoming a Paladin switched his sides.
Perhaps, then, their group had truly been split down the middle after all.
She knows that she is crying. But in her private darkness, she doesn't mind; no one bothers her in her room. After all, she only comes in here after evening meal when the days socializing is done. Here she can show the emotions that she is afraid to show to the others.
She sits on her bed and cries for the death of her beloved friend, as she has done every night for months. She wonders if it will hurt more when he's finally gone, or if it will only be a relief.
"Why are you crying?"
"Kain!" No guest could have surprised her more.
"I have to know." He is unconcerned by her surprise. "I can't make the break if I don't know everything."
She is confused for a moment, before she hears the echo of her own words. Just make the goddamned break already! "I'm crying because someone I love had died."
His eyes are confused as they look to hers. "Who?"
"His name is Kain Highwind. And the worst part is that there's another man here at the castle with the same name, but he's nothing like the man I love."
Her words are like a sharp kick in the stomach for the Dragoon. He has spent months believing his companions hated him, but Rydia has just said twice that she loves him.
"You seem to have loved him very much." His voice breaks as he speaks, but he consents to playing her word game.
"Maybe too much. Its like dying a little every day to see this other man, and not have my Kain there instead."
Joints creaking and popping from lack of use, he kneels down in front of her. "Perhaps you should tell him, then."
"I told you, he's dead." She looks down at the bedspread, refusing to meet his gaze.
"Then perhaps I can give him the message for you. I've been told I'm the walking dead, you know." He tips her head up to look at him, cursing how his hands shake when he does so. Cursing how far he has allowed himself to fall. "And I hear that sometimes the dead can be brought back to life."
"Kain…" His name is barely a whisper on her lips.
"I opened the window today, Rydia. And the moon smiled at me."
"Kain…" She repeats his name more loudly, and throws herself into his arms.
"I didn't understand, until I saw you crying. I didn't think that anyone cared if I lived or died. But you cared all along, didn't you?"
"Not all along." She has to be truthful with him. "I hated you a lot after you and Cecil killed my mom. But we both became different people after that. I became someone who could forgive the wrongs that had been done to me, and you became someone I could love--someone not defined by his past but by his beliefs."
"You really love me?" He is afraid of the answer, and anxious to hear it.
"More than anything."
"Help me find my light, Rydia. I'm tired of the darkness."
She shakes her head. "I can't help you find what my not exist. But I'll help you find your place in the darkness."
He knows that this will have to be enough.