Muckraker Issue 4:

HOLD ON TO SIXTEEN

by Brittany S. Pierce

It's December in Ohio but before we can start writing our lists for Santa and stalking our crushes with mistletoe we've got to fight in the trenches for the sectionals trophy. It's all out war and as per competition tradition there are sex scandals, fistfights and more glitter and bowties than at a fairies wedding.

As you've probably worked out from the lack of spontaneous Barbara Streisand numbers in the hallway, Rachel has been MIA this week following her suspension for stuffing the student election ballot box. I'm so fed up of people calling me stupid – Thanksgiving was last month Rachel and you're supposed to stuff turkeys not ballot boxes! It must have taken forever to clean the mess out - no wonder you were suspended. This also meant she couldn't compete at sectionals so New Directions were madly scraping the barrel for new singers to plug their Swiss cheese of a show choir. Even with those ghost kids from the school band they were still short so Finn suggested they ask Sam who turns out has been in Kentucky all this time. I assumed he must have been working with chicken if he was in Kentucky but apparently he's been working with sausages, cause he's been stripping under the name of White Chocolate to help his family. He decides to return to McKinley and to celebrate this he and the New Directions got together to sing 'Red Solo Cup' – a total rip of my song 'My Cup' – I'd sue if I knew how to use a phone to call a lawyer.

Sam was later corned in the hallway by Quinn who still hasn't turned down the temp on her hot mess. Did we cut part of her brain out when we gave her that haircut in New York? He's the second guy in as many weeks to turn her down flat and she proceeded to try and get Shelby fired by spilling the beans on Puck and Shelby's sleep over scandal. But Rachel kept pestering her until she realised it was kind of the best thing in the long run for Beth, like that she didn't end up on the streets. Maybe Quinn should just adopt Rachel and then it'll be like she and Shelby swapped their babies, plus she can teach her all the things she obviously didn't learn as a kid, like to share and not be a shrill whining baby.

Sebastian invaded Klaineland at the Lima Bean, and when Blaine withdrew to get more coffee Kurt took the opportunity to instigate war. They shot insults back and forth like rainbow pong, but Kurt topped with his last comeback: "You smell like Craig's List." My little pony burnt Sebastian like Puck does to those little soldiers in math. They played nice on Blaine's return but as he was leaving smirky meercat Sebastian warned Kurt to take care of his Warbler – so the Battle for Blaine is ON and one things for certain; we've not seen the last of Sebastian. Maybe I should consider throwing my hat in, after all it's not cheating cause the plumbing's different - right Santana?

Blaine's been keeping it pretty dapper but he's been quietly simmering for a while now over Finn's non-stop hissy fitting. However the gelmit finally cracked during rehearsal when they were working on their dance moves. They were trying to come up with something new and Blaine suggested a spin - has anyone else noticed how much he likes to spin? Maybe he keeps his bowties in one of those jewellery boxes with the little ballerinas… Anyway, Sam thought they needed to put the sex into sextionals and proposed doing 'body rolls' but Blaine was not down with it and pretty much called Sam a whore. A fight broke out and Blaine stormed out Rachel Berry style to beat off in the gym by himself - why won't Santana stop laughing at this? I know she's hoping Blaine will open a branch of fight club here at McKinley so she can punch the moustache off Rachel's face, but he won't talk about it, now who's being hissy... Anyhow Finn followed after Blaine who called him out on his, leading to Finn apologising for being such a jackass and finally admitting he was jealous of him – which we all already knew. The boys made up and spent the rest of the week bromancing, much I can imagine to the delight of Kurt who you know, not gonna lie, has probably thought about it…

Blaine wasn't the only one who had a problem with dancing, Mike and his Dad just can't agree about his future as a performer. Mike was about ready to put away his jazz shoes and let his dad walk right over him when Tina stepped up. But while she tried her best to convince him that Mike really really wants to be a dancer he wouldn't even watch the copy of the school musical she brought with him. So it seemed pretty hopeless but then while they were performing ABC and leapfrogging around the stage his dad arrived and is has finally accepted that dancing is Mike's path.

But the biggest miracle of all I think you can agree is that Tina finally sang a whole song! New Directions ultimately won and I think her song might have synched their win cause the song is super educational, although wrong. ABC isn't as easy as 123, cause counting goes on forever and the alphabet stops after like 21 letters. I also think our coach Shelby was a bit distracted with the whole Quinn and Puck thing cause she told New Direction's we'd see them on the ice – did she think this was a figure skating contest - is that what she's been training us for? The Unitards might even have won cause the girl is like a scary mirror Rachel but I think people took offence to their name, it's never cool to make fun of mentally challenged unicorns. I don't really care that we lost though cause I got to tango with Santana on stage, which is even more fun with clothes on!

After suffering world war glee the past couple of months it was good to have the week finally end in peace and best of all me, Santana, Mercedes (and even Sugar) are back with our New Directions family and just in time for Christmas. Santa you've done it again! Thanks a million, I promise I'll leave out cookies and bourbon for you like usual, as long as lord Tubbington doesn't drink it… I think he must have a drinking problem cause I keep seeing him pass out, also he's having trouble breathing but that's probably just cause of the smoking. Hopefully his New Years resolution will be to quit, mine's to be the best president McKinley has ever seen - I'm gonna do this by spending an extra hour a day on my hair.

Cheerio!