Phil

'Phil…'

'Hmm'

'Phil, I'm so cold'

I could feel tears running down my face, I tried to wipe them away but they just kept on coming. I laughed quietly. If I'd have said that to Dan he would have made some horrible joke about it.

'I know Dan. But it will be alright because you're going to get better'

My voice cracked as I spoke because I had no idea if he would be alright. Dan's eyes closed and I let my tears flow freely, let my body shake. I didn't want him to die. I wanted longer with him. We were both young and although we'd been through so much together it didn't feel like enough.

I remembered all the amazing times we'd spent together, going to Reading, doing the radio show, even going to Jamaica and Italy. Of course there were other people but the one thing I could rely on was that Dan would always be there. Maybe not in person but I would always be able to talk to him.

There were bad times as well but we helped each other through them, when my friend from uni died I could always talk to Dan. When Dan had his existential crisis I was there trying to help as much as I could. But now the one time where he really needed my help, I was useless. I could do nothing but sit here and watch him sleep, be there when he was in pain, try and brighten up these days confined to a bed attached to machines and liquids.

I thought about our future as well. I wanted him to be there at my wedding day standing next to me as my best man. I wanted him to see my kids grow up, be their godfather, be the cool relative who always gives them the best presents. I wanted him to be there forever as my best friend and the person I knew I could trust and talk to no matter what.

I watched the man I had only known for a few short years lay almost perfectly still underneath some flimsy hospital sheets with machines beeping and measuring I don't know what and I felt like crap. I wanted to do something, to help, but all I could do was sit there and watch as my best friend slowly slipped further and further away from me.

Dan

The flimsy bed sheets were useless and I felt like a bloody penguin. I was bored and tired and fed up and all I wanted to do right now was sit at home with some tea and watch some episodes of MasterChef with Phil.

Phil. I knew he was sitting there, he had been ever since I came in here. I don't understand why he stayed though, he could be getting on with life, doing things that needed to be done but instead he sat there and watched me do nothing all day. I felt bad because I really wanted to talk to him but I had no energy and knew that any conversation I had with him would be pointless.

I thanked God or whatever every day for leading me to Phil. He was always so optimistic and happy and made everything better especially when I felt like crap. Like today. He made me laugh and even his presence was comforting. I never wanted anything to change between us. We were perfect.

'Phil' I whispered

'Can I have a hug?'

I heard him stand up and sit on the bed.

'I thought you were asleep' he whispered back.

'Just thinking'

'About what?'

'Stuff'

'What stuff?'

'Doesn't matter'

'Yes it does. Tell me.'

'No.'

'Dan' he whined. 'Please tell me'

I laughed at him because he was acting all childish pouting and whining.

'I said no.'

'Fine then.'

He lay down and turned away from me but because the bed was so small he just ended up a centimetre away from me. I laughed again and moved right up to him, hugging him tightly.

He was so warm I couldn't help myself but snuggle up to him. He turned over then but it was slightly more complicated because the genius that he was had managed to get tangled up in all the wires and tubes.

'Dan help me' he said still struggling. I couldn't do anything because I was laughing too much. I know he's an idiot but still, a fully grown man shouldn't struggle to get out of a few wires.

'Dan seriously. This hurts.' He had managed to get trapped even tighter by the plastic and was now squirming around which again made it even worse.

I was laughing so much it made my sides hurt but I managed to help him out of a few after which he managed to get out the rest.

'Lets pretend that didn't just happen' he said unbelievably calmly which made me crack up even more.

' S'not funny' he whined but I just shuffled closer trying to get as warm as possible. From now on I'm going to call him my personal radiator.

Phil

Stupid tubes. And Dan just laughing at me, not actually helping me. That was a fun experience. I liked pretending to be childish around Dan; it was always fun to see what his reaction would be.

The moment his skin touched mine I shivered. He was so cold it was like touching marble and I hated it. This was wrong. Dan was the warm one, the tanned one, always looking like he'd lived in Italy for his entire life. I was the pale one, the vampire one, looking like I'd never even seen the sun before. Now I guess our roles had been reversed and I did not like it.

I tried to pass off the shiver as me moving around to try and get comfortable because oh my gosh was this bed uncomfortable.

'How do you stand this?' I asked

'What?' he mumbled his words distorted because he was speaking into my shirt.

'The mattress. It's really hard.'

'That's what she said' he joked. At least he was still himself.

'Shut up' I joked and stuck my tongue out.

'You love me really' he replied.

'Not really.' I said but I pulled him closer anyway. I just wanted him to be warm again.

Dan

When I woke up I noticed several things. Number 1: I was swelteringly hot and freezing cold at the same time. Numero dos: Something fluffy was tickling the back of my neck making me laugh and squirm. Nombre trois: During the night mine and Phils legs had tangled together meaning that I couldn't move. Anywhere.

I hadn't expected him to stay all night let alone hug me all night. As far as I'm aware I move around a lot at night so it was a miracle that I hadn't kicked him out of bed. I tried to move my leg but it made Phil move so instead I rolled over and started blowing softly on his hair making it move and tickle his face. He started to move so I started blowing more air making his nose wrinkle. It was adorable.

Then I whistled at his face and saw his eyes open, glaring at me. His eyes were red because he'd left his contacts in again.

'I hate you' he croaked, making me smile because his voice sounded so different.

'Love you too Phil.' I replied rolling over to try and get away from him.

'No way are you getting away with that' he growled and jumped on me.

'Phil get off of me. What are you doing?' I laughed and all of a sudden it became clear.

'No, no please, not now, Phil please' I begged.

But he wouldn't listen to me hence the tickling commenced.

'Phil, stop, I'm sorry, please Phil, stop' I shouted. Tears of laughter started to roll down my cheeks as I desperately tried to get away from me.

'Not until you apologise properly I won't'

'I just did'

'Phil stop, I'm really sorry… Phil… Please…' It was getting harder to get my words out I was laughing too much.

'Phil… STOP' I suddenly shouted. A sudden stab of pain rushed through me. It was agony. My insides felt like they were on fire.

Phil stopped immediately, his eyes widened in terror.

'Dan, what's wrong. Tell me. Dan. DAN!'

I couldn't focus on anything any more, everything was blurry, getting darker. I started to panic. What was wrong with me? I couldn't speak properly, if I opened my mouth I would scream.

I managed to get out one more sentence.

'Phil… help me. Please.. Love you'

Everything went silent.

Phil

The moment Dan sounded scared I backed off. His face scrunched up in pain and his hands curled into fist, grapping at the sheets in obvious torment.

'Dan, what's wrong?'

He didn't reply.

'Tell me. Dan.'

His already pale face got even whiter and I was freaking out and panicking not to mention I was scared out of my wits.

'DAN' I screamed at his face the pleading in my voice for him to respond evident.

I started punching the alert button as quickly and as hard as I could wanting somebody, anybody to come and help him.

A flood of people suddenly surged into the room, crowding around Dan, shouting stuff that I did not understand. It was obvious to me that this was not normal and was not supposed to be happening.

Everything was going so fast that I only just managed to hear Dan whisper

'Phil… help me. Please.. Love you'

before they wheeled him away from me.

Dan

Phil

The tears from yesterday were back but this time I made no attempt to hide them, just letting them flow down my face. I went from being useless to making Dan even more ill than last time. It was all my fault. If only I hadn't been so rough with him. I knew he was delicate yet I still treated him as if there was nothing wrong. What is wrong with me? Why did that not go through my brain?

His face of pain was branded onto my brain, it was all I could think about. How pale he went in no time at all.

I was angry with myself. This wasn't about me, about my feelings. This was about Dan. He could be lying in that room dying and all I'm worried about is how I feel. Dan. My beautiful, best friend Dan.

He had used his last amount of energy to tell me that he loved me. I wanted to run in there, wake him up and tell him that I loved him too. But I was too late. I hadn't realised I was pacing, but when I stopped it felt too silent.

I leaned against the wall and slid down, giving up, putting my head in my hands and crying, shaky, heart wrenching sobs that made me want to run away and never look back. But I couldn't do that… Not to Dan.

Any other time, I would be embarrassed at sitting on the floor crying my eyes out but right now I didn't care. I just wanted Dan to be alright.

'Mr Lester?'

I heard my name called and nodded not wanting to look up because my eyes were red and puffy, my face was blotchy and my lip was swollen.

'Are you Mr Howell's partner?'

I shook my head. 'I'm his best friend.'

'Ok. Do you know how we can contact the rest of his family?'

'Um, well his parents live in India and he hasn't talked to Adrian in ages.' I was finding it difficult to talk. I just wanted to be left on my own so I could cry and sniff and sniff and cry all by myself.

'Thank you Mr Lester'

The nurse stood up and left, walking back to where they were operating on Dan.

Before she was out of earshot I called out to her

'Miss, is Dan alright?'

I looked up then and saw the nurse with a blank expression on her face.

'It all depends on the next few hours' she replied.

So no. He wasn't.

Dan

When I came around I immediately wished I could pass out again. My body was literally a furnace burning me from the inside out. I was screaming so loudly it felt like my jaw was going to break.

People were running around me taking tubes out of there sticking new ones in, injecting me, replacing wires.

'He's unresponsive.' a doctor shouted.

The pain was becoming unbearable I was screaming so loudly, shouting, pleading for anyone to help. How was that unresponsive?

I was writhing, shaking, fitting, still screaming and shouting. I just wanted the pain to end. I wanted it to go away…

'Help me…'

Doctor

'Time of death 12.56'

It was always upsetting to see a patient die but this patient was more upsetting than others. He was so young and he was in love. Last night I had walked into his room and saw Mr Howell and his boyfriend sleeping together. It was so real to see two young people madly in love with each other and the fact that I was partially responsible for ripping them apart made me angry at myself.

I had and still have to this day no idea what was wrong with Mr Howell. It was nothing I'd ever seen and my colleagues didn't know either. How he went from being fine and stable to suddenly being like that. It concerned me.

I felt terrible as I was going to have to break the news to Mr Lester so I changed out of my scrubs and ran through what I was going to say. I felt sorry for Mr Lester as well. He was so young and so madly in love and this was a tragedy. I knew that I wouldn't be able to live if anything happened to my wife and I've spent 20 long years with her. The time they've spent must be drastically lower and I was making it even shorter.

I walked outside and saw an ebony haired boy sitting on the ground.

'Mr Lester?' He looked up and I saw how red his eyes were, how many tears had already been spilt.

'May I talk to you for a minute please?' I asked. I was shaking for goodness sake. Pull yourself together man. We were trained how to do this, I've done it before. How is this any different?

He stood up, being somewhat taller than I had imagined and followed me like a lost puppy into my office.

'Please sit' I said gesturing to a leather sofa in the corner.

I noticed that Mr Lester's hands were also shaking and that made me even more nervous but I put on a straight face and got directly to the point.

Phil

'There were some complications in the surgery…'

Oh God this was already worse than I had imagined.

'…We were unable to identify the problem that affected Mr Howell…'

We were in a hospital right. Surely they should know these types of things straight away.

'He didn't make it.'

…

'What are you talking about, he didn't make it?'

'Mr Lester, Mr Howell is dead.'

'Sorry, what?'

'He's dead, he didn't survive the operation.'

Phil

My world felt like it was closing in on me, everything that had ever happened to me didn't matter any more because I was losing the one thing that I love most in the world. I didn't understand. How could Dan not make it? How could one of the strongest men I've ever met not be able to survive it? But Dan. He said he was alright, he was getting better. He was fine earlier, what could have changed in that short amount of time? No. I don't believe it. They're lying to me, playing tricks on me, messing with my mind. Dan's just playing another one of his horrible jokes on me.

No. Dan. He was my best friend, my soul mate. He can't leave me. Dan's not like that, he wouldn't leave me alone. Not now when I needed him the most. Oh the irony. I never got to tell him I loved him, I never told him how much he means to me, how much he helped, all the time being the one thing I could rely on.

Why him?

DOCTOR

I watched the once confident man shrink back into the shell he had come from, back into the shy, lonely, empty one that was the complete opposite of what he was.

I saw so many emotions rush through him. Love, anger, confusion, betrayal, emptiness.

I watched him as he stood, wiping the tears from his eyes, shaking his limbs almost as if he's ridding himself of something and nodded as he silently asked

'Can I see him?'

We walked in silence, Phil following me. I was being so unprofessional, I felt like my own heart was breaking watching as two perfect human beings were being ripped from each other. I thought I might break down soon so I asked one of the nurses to take him the rest of the way.

I continued watching him walk down the hall. The tall, broad shouldered, ebony haired man standing straight at the entrance to his friend's body.

I watched as he inhaled deeply, mentally preparing himself for what he was about to see.

I watched one last time, knowing that when he emerged he would not be the same person ever again.