Just because I do not show too much obvious appreciation for the opposite sex it doesn't mean I am blind or not interested in – well, you know – women. I know, there were speculations about my sexual orientation, whether I am gay or even asexual. Let me tell you, and this may even sound proud, which I am not: I am far from asexual. Actually, if I could act on my feelings and needs, I would do "it" multiple times a day. Every day.
Calling it "it" shows me again how well I managed to detach myself from that kind of human interaction. I realized long ago, when I was still at college, that my sexual appetite keeps me from achieving things. And I am not only talking about scholar achievements – I am talking about basic things like eating and sleeping. So I had to make a choice: control my urgent need to touch and kiss and suck and fuck or end up as a horny looser with callouses on my hands, because no lady I would be interested in would even take a second glance at an unemployed college drop out. So I buried that part of me long ago and way deeper than I thought. It turned out, I buried it so deep that I was barely able to dig it out again. I am just telling you all this, so you understand, what happened to me the day I laid eyes on her. A gleam of who I used to be peaked through and I must admit, I enjoyed that.
The way he looked at me that very first time – I could feel the butterflies in my stomach take some extra turns. I was captured immediately. If I would have known how long it would take me to get through to him, I am honestly not sure what I would have decided to do back then.
I admire her stamina. She never gave up on me in all those years. I wonder why – she must see something in me that I don't. Not because I am blind, as I said before, I am not, but because most probably that certain something isn't there in the first place. She kept taking away little pieces of my carefully constructed armor. The one I kept for sheer self-preservation. And by doing so she kept losing little pieces of herself on the way. All those years. I am still having a hard time believing I was worth that much to her, that much effort. She saved me, my heart, my soul, my spirit. She awoke my body from the deepest slumber and she made me feel myself again. My old self. The one I am not proud of. Sometimes I feel bad, I feel like I am taking advantage of her. I feel like I am wearing her out. Because I take everything she offers to me – sometimes even more. Every emotion she has to give and every inch of skin she lets me touch. Okay – another confession of mine: I push her boundaries.
It's not as if I didn't see it coming. I knew something different would happen. It started out with soft groping to my tush whenever I wore the tight dark blue jeans. Next, he started to spend a tremendous amount of time massaging and softly spanking my butt cheeks, till they were pink and pulsing.
It had been a fantasy of mine – a very private one, for that matter – for a very long time. I never shared it with anyone because I never trusted anyone enough to do so. With her I feel like I want to share everything, even some things that will leave me vulnerable. Actually the ones that make me feel vulnerable are the ones I like to share with her the most.
You know, I love all parts of the female body, maybe not so much the feet, even though she has really nice feet. But what I am really fond of are the soft curves of the female body. Like the hips and the tush. Oh, I love her tush. It is soft and firm at the same time, it is creamy white and I am the one who can make it blush. Best part of it all: I am the only one who is allowed to see, touch and feel this piece of perfection. It's my prerogative.
I want to please him. I am astonished about how pleasing him satisfies me. Seeing him look at me like I am the one person in the world he can share everything with, his secrets and his longings, makes me do things I wouldn't have done with any other man. I trust him. Intimately.
After dinner tonight I kissed her and took her hand. I led her to the bathroom to take a quick shower together. I wanted her to feel comfortable and relaxed and I know she is neither when she thinks that she smells funny. After drying up and brushing teeth we went over to the bed we share now for almost a year on a regular basis. It had been hot the whole day, it still was. Therefore we kicked the blankets to the floor and spread out on the crisp white linen. We lay on our sides, facing each other, when I drew her close to me and started to massage her beautiful backside. We kissed – I love to kiss her, I love it when she kisses me back. So soft and sensual, never boring, always challenging. I felt I was slowly getting hard when she lay her long leg over mine. I think she might have wanted to turn me on my back to straddle me, but today I won't let her. I reached behind me to get a condom out of the top drawer of my nightstand. She broke our kiss and looked at me questioningly. We do not usually use them, because we are gamblers – spare me your raised eyebrow. Be assured that I would love everything that blossoms out of our relationship, just as much as I love her.
The thing is, I learned that I maximize my own pleasure by letting him lead the way whenever he wants to take the lead. Which is often, but not always. However, tonight he is in charge. I am excited to find out what he has in mind for me.
I untangled myself from her leg. I moved her to the edge of the bed and asked her to get down on her knees and elbows. The look on her face, a bit of uncertainty mixed with love and trust made my heart melt. I stood behind her – I prefer to stand, since I am not twenty anymore and I would like to being able to use my knees in the morning - and stroke her thighs, massage her butt and stroke her wet folds with the tip of my cock. I unpack the condom and impose it on my left thumb. That was when I slowly started fucking her. It felt so good and with her little moans of pleasure she lets me know she likes it, too. I know it is impossible for her to come in that position, it's always only almost an orgasm and this is what I wanted to change for her today. So when I felt her reach the line she cannot cross, and I know she tries hard, I go for broke. My thumb has been caressing her anus for the last few minutes and the flesh underneath my thumb felt soft and relaxed. Her own wetness provides enough lubricant for my purposes, actually it would provide enough lubricant for any purpose, but that is not my intention. Only a slight amount of pressure is needed and my thumb slides in easily. She threw back her head and I saw the side of her face, her mouth forming a surprised O and her eyelids fluttering. As soon she did not only feel but understand what I did to her it could have been a turning point: acceptance or disgust.
I don't know what to think. I feel so turned on, even though I shouldn't. Or am I allowed to like that kind of thing? I am confused. Can something be so wrong when it feels so good? Brain or body – brain or body. Body. Body. Body. Body.
She gave me a moan that I have never heard her make before. I felt her turn tight on my thumb and my cock for a second and then my very own miracle happened: she let go. I move my thumb in small circles inside her and I can feel my own movement on my cock. It is enough to make me come right away and I was relieved to hear and feel that she is on the brink as well. I crossed the line first and emptied myself completely inside her. For a moment I am not sure she can have the same sweet relief that I had just a moment ago but after five more rough and not very well coordinated thrusts I felt her muscles contracting in that subtle and rewarding way that always amazes me and that I take pride in.
Okay. Calm down. This was a first. I didn't know I was capable of that. I mean, usually that doesn't happen to me in that position. And even if it will never happen again, I am amazed, proud and content.
I retreat from her body, dispose the condom, clean myself up and return to the bed. She is lying there, her eyes closed and a small smile on her lips. She calls me naughty and gives me a small giggle. I love her giggle. After going to the bathroom she went to the kitchen for some water and came back a few minutes later. I keep my eyes closed as she crawls into bed next to me. I kiss her goodnight and she snuggles up against me. All I feel is love and warmth as I slowly drift into sleep. I hope she feels the same.
Even though I still do not fully understand why he kept me at arm's length for so long, I am glad that he finally made up his mind. Lying here by his side I know for sure he was worth the wait and worth the effort. I feel his unconditional love for me at all times, even when we are apart. He is my one and only.