Notes: The title is from the Tenth Avenue North song. I have wanted to use this song for a story since the first time I heard it several years ago. My brain had been percolating a post TWS story for this story line for a bit, then thewatchtower300341 (FFN) mentioned the idea of a story post-AOU where Maria has to deal with how close she came to losing Steve. TWS provides the most angst however. I don't think there's a lot to know before reading this story except that my Maria Hill is always a fairly emotional drunk, and this doesn't take place in winter because it would have been cruel to put it off for so long. :)
(See the end of the work for more notes.)
I called you up, you were in bed,
Could barely make out the words that you said
But you wanted to see me instead,
So I got dressed
Steve dropped his duffel to the floor of his quarters in Stark, actually, Avengers Tower. It made an echo around the near-empty room that probably only Steve could hear. He sighed and looked at the time. He really hated to call Maria this late but he promised he would as soon as he got in. It had been weeks since they'd seen each other and things had been strained between them since DC.
He pulled his phone from his jacket pocket and pressed her number. The phone rang three times. By the second ring he was nervous. Maria always seemed to live with the phone attached to her ear. Maybe she really was sleeping.
"Steve?"
Steve closed his eyes and let out a slow breath. Maria's voice was slurred. She didn't usually get drunk on a work night, and she never got drunk when she knew he was coming home.
"Yeah, it's me, Maria," he said. "The quinjet just touched down 10 minutes ago."
"OK," was all she said.
Her voice was quiet and distant.
"Is everything alright? " he asked.
"S'alright," she said.
Steve wasn't expecting overt honesty, but even drunk she had to know he'd suspect something was wrong. He was about to ask again when she began mumbling.
"What's that?" He asked.
She mumbled again.
"I can't understand you, sweetheart," he said.
The reply he received for his term of endearment was a strangled noise.
He was silent a moment as he waited for her to speak again. But she didn't.
"Babe?" He spoke, trying to see if she was still on the line.
Another gasp that sounded strangely like a sob came over the line.
"I know," she started to speak, but she stopped.
Steve waited. His free hand clenching and unclenching as fear threatened. Things had been difficult since DC, but this sounded worse.
"You're not supposed to come see me now," she said.
Her voice was still soft and her words still slurred, but their truth was loud and clear and caused a vise to tighten in Steve's chest.
"But I need..." Her voice trailed off.
Steve was silent as he waited. He didn't trust his voice. When she didn't speak again, he finally asked.
"Do you want me to come over?"
"Yes."
Her reply was no more than a whisper.
"I'm on my way," he told her.
And I stepped out into the snow,
And walked for a mile or so
Felt the rush of blood come from the cold in my chest
Steve could have borrowed a car from Stark. Tony was more than generous. But there was always the chance his AI would be able to tell where Steve had gone, and at this late hour it would look highly suspicious if he went to visit Maria, so he decided to walk the twenty blocks to Maria's apartment.
He stepped out to find the August heat still oppressive even at this hour. He did prefer it to the cold, however. Even though he couldn't recall the years he spent in stasis, he did remember the events leading up to it.
He had awoke after the crash, which surprised him. But his body was too stiff to do much more than move to a slightly more comfortable location. He thought about the radio, but he was too disoriented to look for it. He thought about Peggy and wondered if she'd gone to the Stork Club. Then he laid back down and succumbed to the darkness again.
When he woke in SHIELD HQ 70 years later, his thoughts had again been on Peggy. He grieved all they'd lost, all his hopes of the life they might have together after the war. And there were still times he thought about it. He was happy with Maria. It was just that tonight he'd returned home after a fruitless search for Bucky and he had to walk a mile from his apartment just to see his wife at her apartment. What kind of life was this?
They'd agreed after DC that they'd still have to remain secret. Whatever knowledge Sitwell had inferred that he and Pierce had of the relationship seemed to have died with the two men. Maria had sifted through all the data before they'd gone to take down SHIELD and found nothing that would link the two. After, with the inquiry into events, they'd decided that it would be problematic if anyone were to know.
It bothered Steve though, especially when it was obvious she needed him. He should be able to be with her. They should be able to fall asleep together and share the same address. What kind of marriage could last under these circumstances? Maria deserved better. And Steve wanted more.
He arrived outside her apartment and made quick work of the steps.
Well, you finally came to the door,
And we talked for an hour or more
Until I asked if you would stay up 'til four,
And you said, "That's fine."
He rang the bell and waited. She didn't answer right away and he again thought she might be sleeping. It wouldn't do to use his key because he couldn't get past the locks on her apartment door. She was certain to have already locked herself in for the night.
The door buzzed and he opened it. Upstairs he found the apartment door slightly ajar which was unusual. He walked quietly down the hall and cautiously entered the room. The hall light was on and Steve shut the door and started toward the bedroom.
As he passed the couch, he heard her breathing and turned to find her curled up. There were some beer bottles in the floor in front of her, quite a few, enough to make her as drunk as he suspected she was.
He walked over to her and touched her arm.
"Maria," he said quietly.
Her eyes fluttered open and she smiled.
"You're home," she said and reached for his hand.
Home, Steve thought. It would be nice if it was true.
She sat up and Steve took a place next to her and pulled her into his arms. She seemed to want to just talk about what they'd been doing while apart, how Sam was doing.
Finally Steve saw it was nearly 4am and asked if she wanted him to stay.
Her fist clenched his shirt and Steve was about to make a joke about it when she spoke. Her voice was so quiet and sad.
"Yes."
But you said, "There's something I have to say,
And I can't because I'm just so afraid."
And so I held you as you started to shake that night
She pulled back and looked at him. Her eyes were sad and red as if she'd been crying a long time.
"Steve, I have to tell you," she started, but then she stopped as her throat seemed to choke up.
She took a deep breath and closed her eyes. Steve had been doing OK to this point. His wife was usually far more emotional when she was drunk. But as her body began to shake from the intensity of her feelings Steve felt afraid. It wasn't a feeling he ever associated with her. He was never afraid of her or for her. Her strength was more than a mask she wore for the world, it came from somewhere deep and was naturally hers. She never would have been able to live through her childhood and become the woman she was despite all she'd suffered if it wasn't. To see her like this terrified Steve.
He pulled her into his arms and took deep breaths to calm himself as she fell apart.
Oh, my dear, I'll wait for you
Grace tonight will pull us through
Until the tears have left your eyes
Until the fears can sleep at night
Until the demons that you're scared of disappear inside
Until this guilt begins to crack
And the weight falls from your back
Oh, my dear, I'll keep you in my arms tonight
Steve held Maria as she cried. He wasn't entirely sure what this was about. They had seemed to have lost their natural ease with each other after DC. He'd asked her if it was because he'd made her fire on him, or if it was because Jasper had been HYDRA then been killed in the course of events. She'd denied all of these, yet on the few nights they'd spent together since then, she'd awoke from terrible nightmares. He had told her to call him if it happened when he wasn't there but wasn't surprised that she didn't.
You slowly lifted your head from your hands
You said, "I just don't think that you'll understand.
You'll never look at me that way again
If you knew what I did."
After a while, Maria finally looked at him. The anguish and guilt there cut Steve's heart.
"I haven't been really afraid of anything since I was a little girl."
Her voice was barely a whisper and Steve wondered if he'd have been able to hear it without his serum-enhanced hearing.
"When I was a little girl I used to hide in my room and hope my father would forget about me so he wouldn't..."
Her voice cracked then she was silent as she tried to regain control.
Steve placed a kiss on her temple and held her tighter. He knew about her father, she'd told him in little pieces over the years. He could imagine her fear.
"I keep having these dreams," she said. "I'm back in my bedroom and he comes in. He drags me out toward the living room, only it's the control room at the Triskelion."
Steve felt his blood run cold. His entire body felt like ice. It was like the cold as the Valkyrie sank into the ice of the Arctic. He didn't want to hear what she was about to say. He didn't need to, he knew.
"He said," Maria's body shook.
Several minutes passed but Steve waited.
Finally she spoke.
"I heard his voice in my ear, telling me to fire."
Her voice cracked and shook.
"I told him I couldn't, that I would kill you if I did," Maria said.
Steve realized now he should have been more focused on her after he recovered. Instead he'd spent one night with her in DC before he left to look for Bucky. She had seemed fine at the time, with the exception of one thing: She'd woke screaming from a nightmare. She said it was just the usual, just the adrenaline leaving her system. And Steve had believed her.
Now he wondered if it was because he wanted to find Bucky so badly. He'd been torn since he'd discovered that his old friend was The Winter Soldier. He needed to find Bucky, needed to help him, he owed him that. But he had neglected Maria. He had seen what he wanted, ignored the nightmares she'd had the few nights they'd spent together, ignored even his feelings that there was something wrong, and assumed she was honest when she said she was fine.
He felt her take a deep breath then she spoke again.
"He said I didn't deserve you, that I was too selfish," she said. "And he's right."
Steve looked down at her and shook his head.
"You have never been selfish, Maria," he said. "I've never known anyone who puts everyone else ahead of themselves the way you do."
"Not when it matters," she said, and Steve had a bad feeling that this was worse than just the dream.
And so your tears fell and melted the snow
You told me secrets nobody had known
But I never loved you more, even though
Now I knew what you did
"What do you mean?" he asked, and for a moment he wasn't sure he truly wanted an answer.
"I could hear you, when you were fighting Bucky on the helicarrier," she said.
Steve tried to think through the events, what passed between him and Bucky. More, he tried to understand why she had never said anything to him before. Why she felt she had to get drunk just to be able to tell him. It wasn't a SHIELD secret, and Steve thought they had no others between them. Besides, it wasn't as if he hadn't suspected she heard. But it was an op. They both knew how to compartmentalize during ops. They might worry about each other but it was never at the forefront of their minds, it never affected their work. They'd gotten so good at it that even Natasha seemed to have missed it.
"After I fired I left and headed toward the boats," she said. "I was hoping you'd jump and I could get to you.
"Your comm was still on, still working," she whispered. "I could hear what you and Bucky were saying."
She pushed away from him and stood and walked to the other side of the room. Steve watched her for a moment before he followed her and tried to take her back into his arms. She shrugged him away. Steve's heart pounded frantically. He stood and watched and waited, counting the seconds of each breath she took and trying to measure how far she'd pulled away from him.
"I didn't want you to save him," she said quietly. "I wanted you to fight him."
"I won't fight you."
"I didn't care about him, or even what you wanted right then," she admitted. "I just wanted you to want to come back to me.
"I don't deserve you, Steve," she said. "I don't deserve to be your wife."
Steve had died once; he'd grown 8 inches and a hundred pounds in mere minutes another time, but he didn't think that pain quite compared to the way he felt at his wife's words. There was a time when he wouldn't have known how to respond, when he'd have been left tongue-tied by the shock. But that was before he'd met Maria, before a year of marriage to her had taught him not to just let someone walk away when there were things they needed to discuss.
"Maria, I did want to come back to you," he said. "I just couldn't see how to accomplish both that, and save Bucky."
"I know," she said but she didn't turn around.
Steve stared at her for a moment and tried to figure out which direction to attack this issue from. It had nothing to do with him, that much he gathered, there was something with her, something that had changed that day. In hindsight it was obvious, the recurring nightmares, the way she had held herself back from him since that day.
"I don't understand, Maria," he said. "I don't see how this makes you a selfish person."
He thought back to how little time they'd spent together since DC, how she'd been relegated to distant friend during his time in the hospital while Sam took the place she should have. He could see in her eyes during her few visits that it bothered her. But he thought they'd worked through that. She had assured him she wanted him to go find Bucky. She had never said anything again about that day.
"I watched your shield fall," she paused and Steve watched her shoulders heave a few times. He tried to reach out to her but she ducked away from him.
"I heard you tell him," she stopped again as her breathing became more labored. "I heard you tell him to finish it."
She reached up to wipe her face with the sleeve of her shirt.
"And I hated him," she said, her voice was angry now as she finally turned back to him. "I hated him because you would let him do that to you. Even though I knew you couldn't fight him. I knew you only did at the beginning to save others and once everyone else was saved, you didn't care about anything but getting him back.
"I saw him," she said. "On the shore. I saw him walking and I wanted to go after him. I wanted to kill him. I thought you were..."
She clamped her mouth shut, not wanting to say the word. She looked away from him.
"I thought you were dead," she whispered. "I thought he'd killed you. When I saw you fall from the helicarrier, I thought you..."
She stopped again and took several more breaths.
"I thought I'd only be recovering your body," she admitted.
Steve thought about the testimony she gave, she'd never mentioned Bucky. He knew she had gone down to the dock where SHIELD rescue boats were kept and taken one. The helicarriers had fallen and the water was on fire from the oil and she had gone out to try to find Steve and any other survivors. Her story had been told matter-of-factly with none of the emotion Steve thought she must have felt. She'd never told him she'd seen Bucky at all.
"Then I saw you," she said. "I realized he'd pulled you out of the water. But I still hated him."
She closed her eyes.
"I still hate him," she said.
Steve stared at his wife. This entire episode was so unlike her. Maria was never ruled by her emotions, she wasn't even persuaded by them. He'd never seen anything affect her so deeply. This wasn't what he would have expected from her. This was what he expected from himself, though. He was reminded of when he thought Bucky had died during the war. He wanted to not just go after Schmidt, he wanted all of them, everyone who had ever dared utter "Hail HYDRA" he wanted dead. He wanted to personally kill each and every one of them.
He took quiet steps toward her and hoped she wouldn't pull away this time. He touched her face and attempted to turn it up toward his but she only shook her head, her eyes remained closed. He skimmed his hand along her chin and down her neck. The tension there begged him to rub out the knots. As he began to firmly rub his fingers against the tightened muscles, Maria choked back another sob then fell against him. Steve held her tightly and continued to rub her neck, then slowly lowered his hand along her back.
"I never knew," she began but stopped again.
He held her for several minutes before she pulled away to look at him. In her eyes she looked lost and unsure. Steve waited, and prayed.
"I didn't know how much I loved you before," she said and the tears began to stream down her face again. "I didn't think it would hurt this badly."
She pressed into him again and Steve tightened his grip.
Oh, my dear, I'll wait for you
And grace tonight will pull us through
Oh, my dear, I'll wait for you
And grace tonight will pull us through
Until the tears have left your eyes
Until the fears can sleep at night
Until the demons that you're scared of disappear inside
Until this guilt begins to crack
And the weight falls from your back
Oh, my dear, I'll keep you in my arms tonight
Steve picked Maria up and cradled her in his arms as he carried her back to the sofa. Her tears continue to pour out unabated. He'd never seen her so disturbed. That alone killed him, but knowing why, knowing now what she'd been imagining, Steve felt the pain of that day as if it was happening over again. He felt the guilt of what he'd asked her to do. The worst part was that he'd never told her he loved her. Of all the scenarios they'd discussed before and after they'd married, they'd never gotten around to discussing what they'd do if one of them was facing death and they were on comms. He had reasoned then that she knew. He always assured her. But now he wondered if it wouldn't have made it easier. But Bucky had been there, and he honestly was afraid that if his friend heard him, he might have gone after Maria and Steve wouldn't be there to protect her.
Shortly Steve became aware that his face was wet from his own tears. The pain his wife had been hiding for these months was tremendous. She hadn't even been able to be at the hospital like she'd wanted. Instead Sam was there and she was answering questions of the authorities, not even a moment to catch her breath. And it was just like Maria to throw herself into her work so she wouldn't have to think about things. He understood that. He was the same. It was one of the things he understood about her the best.
She adjusted herself in his lap and put her arms around him. They sat together for quite some time. The light began to break around the curtains and Steve felt that Maria's body was finally succumbing to exhaustion.
He lifted her face to his and kissed her lips gently.
"Maybe you should take a day off," he suggested.
"But," she started to argue but he shook his head.
"No one needs to know where I am," he said.
"You'll stay?" she asked.
Steve gave her a tight smile. She hadn't been worried about someone finding out, she just didn't want him to leave. He finally felt himself begin to relax and leaned in for another brief kiss. He stood with her still in his arms and carried her to the bedroom.
Their bedroom, he said in his head.
For now, this could be their home. It wasn't ideal, but it was what they could have, and wasn't that how it had always been for Peggy and him during the war? They'd wanted more but there were more pressing things. They hadn't ever been able to have what they'd both wanted, but, someday, he might be able to have some of that with Maria. For now he would be happy with these moments with her.
Until the tears have left your eyes
Until the fears can sleep at night
Until the demons that you're scared of disappear inside
Until this guilt begins to crack
And the weight falls from your back
Maria was asleep by the time he laid her on the bed. He left her in her clothes since she was only wearing shorts and a tank. He slipped his clothes off to his briefs, then pulled the covers down and lay beside her and pulled her into his arms then pulled the light sheet over them.
He gazed at her as if to re-memorize her features. He'd always been somewhat awestruck by her, similar to the way he'd felt around Peggy, only this time he'd made sure he hadn't wasted one moment. Now, though, he realized he had been wasting moments. He'd been in such a hurry to find Bucky, so excited that there was this link to his past that he had begun to neglect his present.
Steve sighed and pulled her closer. He slowly ran his hand up and down her back, but Maria was sleeping too soundly to react. He'd make it all up to her, he had to. He knew all too well that time was short. He had promised himself he'd never make the mistakes he'd made with Peggy again, and it was time to make good on the promise.
Maria sighed in her sleep and adjusted herself to fit more perfectly in his arms. Steve smiled and closed his eyes.
"I love you, Mrs. Rogers," he said. "I will prove it as much as possible every day."
Then he kissed the top of her head again and drifted to sleep.
Oh, my dear, I'll keep you in my arms tonight
I'll keep you in my arms tonight
Notes: As I was writing this, I got an idea for an origins story, so I am working on that, as well as a few of my others I want to finish. I posted two parts on tumblr, but I don't want to start posting here until it's complete. I have too many unfinished series I'm working on and probably shouldn't add another.