I do not own BanG Dream! And I am absolutely not sorry for the contents of this oneshot… the cover image is the cover art of Afterglow's first single, That Is How I Roll released on 6 September 2017.
I will be nice and warn everybody about this one more time: this oneshot contains suicide and, as a result, character death.
There it was again.
That bright smile of hers. That cheerful laugh of hers. Two things that she has come to expect to see by now, she knew and was well aware of this, especially ever since she has introduced her to a group of new friends not too long ago.
She knew that she should be happy for her friend who finally managed to smile again after so long. Her friend had been feeling rather down lately, something that had become the focus topic of discussion in their circle of friends for some time now, so seeing her happy should have been enough to make her happy, too, right?
But why did it sting so much in her chest? Why did it hurt to see her friend appear to be so happy only a handful of meters away from her?
What was this heavy feeling in the pit of her stomach that was slowly but surely eating away at her from the inside out?
More than anything, she was fearing what she was feeling. Fearing what she didn't understand but knew that she needed to.
Aoba Moca had stepped inside the familiar classroom after the final bell to indicate the end of the school day had rung. She was hoping to find at least one of her childhood friends there to hang out with for the rest of the day and, in a way, she got what she came for… but she also had to see this unsightly scene before her. More importantly, she was now forced to hide how she was feeling about what was happening in front of her.
Moca did not know what the feeling that started to overwhelm her when she saw what was happening was, but she was sure of one thing: she hated it.
Moca was not alone in the room as she had realized soon enough; as a matter of fact, there were two other people aside from her who were already inside. Moca had come to expect to see her senior and colleague at the convenience store, Imai Lisa, from time to time with some of the other members of Afterglow… but why was this time different? Why was this time so different from any other time Moca saw Lisa having fun with the other members of Afterglow?
And why did Moca seem to care so much about the fact that Lisa was here when it had never affected her before? At least, never as much as it was right now.
Moca ended up staying in the door opening for far longer than she thought she did, and as Moca was still lost in her own thoughts she did not notice that the other two girls had already seen her. It was too late to run and pretend this never happened now.
"Ah, Moca! Come join us!" Lisa called out, startling Moca out of her train of thoughts and bringing her back to the present. Moca knew that her senior was just trying to be nice and welcoming, but Moca somehow couldn't really feel it as such. Not as long as that same feeling that was there since Moca entered the room was still eating away at her from the inside.
That same feeling that Moca had no idea what it was. That same feeling that made Moca want to scream at the top of her lungs. Unfortunately for Moca, something else happened before she could get away…
"Moca! Moca! Come over here!" it was the other girl who was waving over in her direction.
But that was what made it difficult for Moca; she couldn't respond if it was the other girl. How was she supposed to respond? Should she be true to herself and tell her friend what was on her mind and what she was really feeling?
'Even if it means…' Moca let the thought linger in her mind, still trying to decide what she had to do. To make sure that her friend remained happy and didn't have to worry about her, or to be selfish and shout out what was bothering her right now? What has been bothering her?
It wasn't the choice that Moca wanted to make, but Moca knew that she could not afford to choose the other option under any circumstance… no matter what, Moca knew that she had to avoid that choice.
Gulping her nervousness and worries away, Moca mentally steeled herself to do what she had ultimately decided on doing.
"I'm sorry, Lisa-san," Moca said with a forced smile as she directed her words to her senior, desperately trying to avoid eye contact with her classmate. It was a smile that Moca could only hope didn't give her away… too quickly, at least. Looking around her almost frantically for something to use as an excuse to leave the room, Moca's eyes soon landed on the windows in the corner and that gave her an idea, "M-Moca-chan just remembered that there was something that Moca-chan has to do still, s-so I'll be taking my leave now. I'll be seeing you later!"
Moca tried to avoid eye contact with both Lisa and her childhood friend, her eyes fluttering between the windows to her left, the bag that was in her hands and the door that was behind her. Through all the shaking and trembling, Moca still somehow managed to find her way out of the room.
She was out of the classroom before either of the other two girls could do or say anything to try and stop her. As Moca made her way down the hallway, she couldn't help but wonder the same question over and over in her mind.
'Or did they allow me to leave because they didn't want me to be there?'
Moca shook her head vigorously to get that thought out of her head, convincing herself that that couldn't possibly be true. Even so, she needed to get away from that classroom and quick. And she knew that. She couldn't stay there, even if it was where her childhood friend was seen to be happy.
"No…" Moca muttered to herself once she was far enough away from the classroom that was two stories above her now. Leaning against the pillar beside her, Moca tried to desperately regain her composure after what had just happened.
"But why…?" Moca trailed off after some time had passed and she had evened out her breathing and heartbeat again. Even now after Moca has had the time to think about it, she still had no idea what happened or why she felt what she did earlier.
Moca remained motionless after that as she tried to figure out what that feeling was exactly. Wondering why she felt it and what it could mean, Moca slowly turned her head to look in the direction of the classroom, "Why did I feel so bad… seeing a friend be so happy…?"
Where was it now?
Moca tried to look all around her but she couldn't find it. Where is it? Where did she drop it earlier?
It was late in the afternoon, a couple of hours after school had ended for the day. Moca had just managed to get away from the classroom only to run into the next problem: she couldn't find her wallet anywhere. Moca was sure that she still had it on her when she left the school only minutes ago, but now it was nowhere to be found. Which meant that she had dropped it somewhere around here, but where could it be?
This led Moca on an anxious but somewhat frenzied search through the streets to try and locate her lost wallet. Moca knew that it was starting to get late if the setting sun was any indication of that, and with her wallet still nowhere in sight, the poor girl grew more anxious by the second.
Moca would have continued to look around frantically for it had it not been for the timely arrival of yet another familiar face. Or, rather, a familiar voice not too far from where Moca was.
"Hey, would you look at this," a shocked but still somewhat distinguishable voice said, audibly coming from somewhere to Moca's left. Moca whipped her head around before she knew what she was doing, wondering who that voice belonged to and what they were talking about.
Moca did not know how to feel when she saw a girl with long purple hair she recognized very well, clearly the girl who had just said those words that had caught Moca's attention, as she was holding something small in her hands. For any other person, something as insignificant as that would not have been seen or even overlooked completely, but not Moca. Moca was not any other person.
The purple-haired girl was holding Moca's wallet…
Moca was about to walk out from the safety of the shadows that the trees provided her to confront the purple-haired girl, but she hesitated. Something that she didn't fully understand why at first, but then it hit her. What did she have to say to convince her that the wallet was hers? Could she even do it, standing up to that person of all people?
Before Moca could do or say anything, however, Moca saw to her surprise that another person had joined them in Moca's temporary state of indecisiveness. And not just any other person, the newcomer was someone Moca recognized quite well; they have been close friends for over a decade, after all.
What worried Moca the most, however, was what happened next: her childhood friend walked over to where Moca's senior was standing and looked at the wallet that was shown to her. Moca was hoping that her classmate would look at the wallet and get it for her, but she didn't move or react at all when she saw the wallet for several seconds.
At first, Moca hoped that her childhood friend was wondering why the wallet was so familiar to her before realizing it was Moca's, but that was when Moca realized that she was wrong. None of her friends had seen that she had this wallet as Moca had only gotten it late last night in a convenience store not far from her home. As much as she hated to admit it to herself, Moca knew that her friend wouldn't recognize her wallet because of this. None of them even knew that Moca had a new wallet to begin with…
But what got to Moca the most was when she recognized her friend's voice not long after.
"You're right, Seta-senpai, it does look weird…"
Moca knew that her friend, her dear childhood friend who had been growing up by her side for the last ten years, did not know that that wallet belonged to Moca. Even so, hearing someone she had always considered a close friend and someone she could rely on insult her indirectly still left a bitter aftertaste in her mouth.
'What should I do? If I go out there now, it will become awkward, but if I don't do anything…' Moca thought to herself, silently contemplating her options that she could do. She couldn't think what was worse, however, and she was quickly running out of time.
"There's supposed to be a police station not too far from here. We can drop this wallet there and hopefully whoever has dropped it can pick it back up there. Let's go before they already close up."
Moca was shaken out of her own little world when she heard her childhood friend talk again. And then she heard footsteps; footsteps that distinctly sounded like they were moving away from where Moca was. Looking up in a hurry, Moca saw that that was exactly what was happening: the other two girls were leaving. They were leaving and Moca could clearly see that her wallet was still in the hands of the purple-haired girl.
"Wai—!" Moca tried to call out, stretching out her hand in an effort to try and reach the two girls a little further away, but her voice got stuck in her throat when she felt herself trip and fall on the ground.
The fall and subsequent impact on the ground didn't hurt the girl very much, but Moca did feel a sudden surge of pain from where her feet were. She tried to struggle back up, knowing that she didn't have a lot of time to try and reach them when she collapsed once again.
"Why can't I…?" Moca hissed angrily to herself, the more she tried to get back on her feet the more she was drowning in the pain. Eventually, and having wasted way too much time already, Moca looked down at the ground. She had to cover her mouth to prevent herself from screaming out loud when she saw why she was feeling so much pain.
Her right foot was badly bruised and her left foot was twisted in a painful way. Not unnaturally so, but enough for it to hurt. And for it to hurt a lot.
But it was only now that Moca knew that it should hurt that it really began to hurt as much as it did.
Moca winced, holding her left ankle with both of her hands for support before she tried it once again. Gathering all the strength that she could and somehow managing to bite through the pain, Moca slowly but surely stood up again while panting heavily.
The corners of Moca's mouth curved up in a painful but satisfied smile at what she managed to do. However, her little victory was short-lived.
She took too much time to get back on her feet. It was already too late. She was the only one there.
She had missed her chance to catch up with her classmate and senior and tell them that the wallet was hers. The wallet that, Moca remembered with a pang of hurt and dread, was now well out of her reach. She would have to limp herself all the way to the police station five blocks away and still have to convince them that the wallet was hers if she wanted it back.
Moca was not looking forward to the walk back at all, but she knew that she didn't have much of a choice in the matter anymore.
"Hehe…" Moca giggled darkly to herself, lowering her head to keep a close eye on the ground and letting her bangs obscure her vision in the process. As her feet were already hurting as much as they were, Moca did not want to trip on anything anymore. With a deep sigh, Moca muttered two more words to herself before she made the painful trek to the police station.
"Such misfortune…"
"Why did you call me out here so suddenly?"
Moca looked up at her classmate and one of her closest friends, even amongst her already small circle of friends. While Moca had hoped her friend would have formulated her question a bit better, she could not say that she was surprised to hear that question from her. As a matter of fact, Moca would be lying to herself if she were to say that she had not expected as much.
Had the situation been reversed and had Moca been the one to be called over at nine in the evening, Moca knew that she would be wondering the exact same thing as her friend was right now.
While neither girl was known to be sleeping early, especially when they knew that it was the evening before the weekend, neither of them seemed like they would be willing to stay out in this cold night-time breeze for very long. It wasn't as bad as it could have been for this time of the year, but it was still cold enough for both girls to be wearing several layers of clothing in a desperate effort to keep themselves warm.
Moca gulped softly, trying to find the right words to say what was on her mind to her friend in front of her. The fact that she was constantly under the watchful eyes of the other girl was making her feel uneasy, and not having prepared what she was going to say in advance wasn't helping her out much, either.
But Moca knew that she had to say it. Knew that she had to bring it up now that she had effectively dragged her friend out in the cold night. In the cold, dark night.
So while keeping all of that in mind, Moca took a deep breath to calm her nerves and say what was on her mind.
"Say… have you ever felt like you were useless and nobody ever wanted you?" Moca began, still not completely comfortable in talking about this. Even so, she knew that she had to bring this up as she didn't want to have this eat away at her any longer, either.
And knowing who she was talking to, Moca knew that she shouldn't beat around the bush. She had to go straight to the point and get this over with, as difficult as that was for her. Moca knew that this was for the best.
Or, at the very least, Moca was clinging on to the last thread of hope that she still had.
Moca was naïvely hoping that her friend would respond in the way that Moca hoped she would. Naïvely hoping that her friend would reassure her that she was needed and cleared any doubts that Moca might have in the process, but—
"What are you talking about?" the other girl asked, looking genuinely surprised and caught off-guard by this question. Something that Moca was not expecting, and in her state of shock she almost missed what her friend added soon after, "We are all in Afterglow, right? We all need each other, so there has not been a time where I felt like that. And if you were to think about it, nobody else should have been feeling that way, either."
"I see… you are right… ahahahahaha…" Moca trailed off with a chuckle, trying to use this as an excuse to look at anything and everything that was not the girl who was standing so close to her. Instead, Moca tried to rub the back of her head with her right hand while suddenly being very interested in a patch of dirt not too far from her left foot.
This sudden change in Moca's behavior did not go unnoticed or unvoiced, however.
"Moca, are you all right?" the other asked, suddenly sounding very worried after seeing Moca start to act like this. With an expression that remained unreadable for Moca, she added soon after, "If something is wrong, you will tell us, right?"
"Y-Yeah, of course, I would," Moca said hurriedly, trying to smile to try and hide what was truly going on in her mind. She did not know why she had instinctively tried to hide how she was really feeling from her childhood friend, but the fact remained that somewhere deep down… Moca did not want her friends to know. She knew that her friends were going through a lot as well, so burdening them with something as selfish as this would…
'I really can't tell them…'
Blissfully unaware of the silent debate that was going on in Moca's head, the childhood friend nodded in a satisfied manner. For her, hearing those words from Moca was obviously more than enough for her to believe that everything was all right with Moca and, ultimately, that she could stop worrying about her wellbeing for now.
"In that case, I am going back inside first, all right?" the voice of Moca's friend urged Moca to look up again, just in time to see that she was, indeed, trying to go back inside. Rationally speaking, Moca understood why her friend wanted to leave, but Moca did not know if she wanted to be left alone just yet.
There was still so much that Moca still wanted to talk about with her friend, but she didn't know if she should stop her. It was indeed a lot colder now than it was when they first got here, even though not a lot of time had passed since they started talking, and Moca couldn't gather the courage to ask for more time.
With how long Moca was spending to try and decide whether or not to chase after her friend, she had missed her only opportunity.
Her friend had already gone back inside. Moca was left alone for the third time that day…
Letting out a breath of pent-up anger and annoyance, Moca put her hands in her pockets and trotted over to where an empty wooden bench was. Throwing grace and caution to the wind, she plopped down with a grunt and remained motionless for a long while.
Moca didn't just remain sitting quietly on that empty bench, however. As her vision started to become foggy, Moca started to repeat certain memories. From the feelings eating away at her from the inside to that one sentence she wanted nothing more than say out loud just now… but somehow she couldn't bring herself to do so…
"I couldn't tell her after all…" Moca murmured to herself, trying to keep her voice even and steady so nobody would be able to notice how shaky she actually was.
If there was somebody to hear those words, at least…
"I'm home…" Moca called out dejectedly as she softly closed the door behind her, not wanting to make a scene like she usually did at times like this. Even though she knew that it was a futile effort by now, Moca couldn't help but do it.
It had been long since Moca had left the bench after trying and failing to talk with her childhood friend. So much so, in fact, that it was already well past midnight.
After taking more time than she would have liked to admit she did sitting on that bench and going over her thoughts and emotions that she felt that day, Moca had finally decided that she should be going home soon. And now, after a long walk made even longer thanks to her still-hurting foot, she had finally reached her destination.
Moca had thought that she could relax and unwind at home, ignore and forget everything that had happened that day, but she would soon find out that fate was not nice for her.
"I left it… on…?" Moca thought out loud in surprise, walking over to where her computer sat comfortably on top of Moca's table. Trying to futilely push her worries regarding the astronomical electricity bills that she would have to pay away, Moca was about to turn the machine off when she saw it. The thing that ended up breaking her.
There was only one window left open on the computer, but it was of course that one window that ended up being the big offender.
It was a group chat that the members of Afterglow had set up to be able to keep in touch with each other more even outside of school. Moca, however, knew that it was only a way for Himari to save time, only needing to send all of her ramblings to one chat instead of four. Despite this, Moca never brought it up with the bassist and, even though Moca knew the others knew of this as well, none of them did, either.
What caught Moca's attention was how many messages she had apparently missed, there having been well over two hundred of them in the last four hours that she had been away. Curious and interested to see what was going on in her absence, Moca scrolled back to the beginning of the unread messages to find out.
It was not long after that Moca regretted this decision of hers.
"Why…?" Moca heard herself say softly as short but sharp fingernails began to dig into the tender skin of Moca's palms. Moca paid no attention to the damp feeling that she felt on her cheeks soon after, either; all that she could see and all that was processed by her brain were the images that were shared in the group chat.
Images depicting the other four members of Afterglow having fun together in various places. From Himari and Tsugumi showing off their large servings of ice creams in the nearby park to Ran and Tomoe both opting to read a book in the shade away from the warm sun.
Moca even saw a group photo of her four friends where all of them, even Ran, were shown to be laughing cheerfully.
Without her. Without Aoba Moca.
"So this is… what it was…" Moca trailed off, the corners of her mouth curving up in an eerie smile that she knew would scare anyone if they were to see her now… but Moca knew that there wasn't another living soul in the house, so she also knew that she didn't have to try and hide it.
Moca tried to close the group chat and block out what she had just seen in the hopes of forgetting that feeling, but it was no use. She had seen them, she knew that she had seen them, and now that she has she knew that she couldn't remove those pictures from her memory. It was too late now.
The image of the laughing faces of her friends was forever imprinted in her mind, and she knew that she would always be reminded of this. And of the feelings that were now consuming her.
"Nobody needs me… after all…" Moca slowly said to herself, reminding herself of this harsh realization. A realization that she did not want to accept, and had it been any other situation she would have berated herself for thinking of something like this.
But today was not that day.
Moca gritted her teeth, biting back the tears and trying her hardest to keep them from overflowing. She remembered how her friends had been acting lately, both with and without her, and the way that they were treating her earlier only served to further emphasize Moca's thoughts and feelings.
"Right…" Moca nodded to herself slowly after some time had passed for Moca to make up her mind. Her body was trembling, her hands were hurting, and her eyes were all puffy and swollen, but even through all of that Moca was never surer of anything in her life before.
With her mind made up, the girl went to work by looking around to see if she had the things that she knew she would. Half an hour later, the long search through the house having been extended to allow Moca some more time to go through the building she despised so much one last time, Moca was satisfied.
She had everything that she needed for what she wanted to do.
With a final look at her computer screen, even though she knew that the window of the Afterglow group chat was already closed, Moca nodded to herself in an effort to try and reassure herself of what she was doing. Despite having made up her mind that this was what she should be doing, Moca still felt somewhat uneasy.
That was when Moca remembered the images in the group chat of Afterglow, the laughing faces of her supposed friends flashing in front of her mind's eye. And at that moment, Moca was certain that she wanted to do this.
The next hour was spent for Moca to convey her thoughts and feelings on a blank piece of paper, but because she couldn't find the right words she had to restart the whole thing multiple times. Not being as good with words as Ran or Tsugumi were wasn't doing Moca any favors, slowing down the process altogether as she struggled to find the rights words on multiple occasions.
Once she was sure that this was good enough, Moca neatly folded the piece of paper and put it safely in her pocket where she knew it would not fall out of.
"This is it…" Moca murmured to herself, feeling slightly lightheaded at the prospect that she was actually going through with this. She walked over to her bed where she had prepared a labeled bag of concentrated nitrogen gas.
Moca knew that there was no going back now, but she also knew that this is what she ultimately had wanted for so long. It was too much for her, and this would be the only solace for her pain and suffering.
And to prevent herself from being any more of a burden to her friends, Moca knew that she had to do this.
With a deep breath to calm her shaking body, Moca laid down on her bed, grabbed and opened the bag beside it and put it on her face. It was not long until her arms fell motionless on the bed, the bag fell slightly askew, and Moca's body lay still.
On the following Sunday, the members of Afterglow had agreed to spend some time practicing on a new song that they wanted to perform soon; something that the five girls had already agreed upon for weeks. They had all already met up in front of CiRCLE but were still waiting for the last member to arrive.
At first, they had shrugged off their friend's tardiness as it could happen to anyone, recalling how Himari had overslept two hours on the day of their last live. Even so, it wasn't like their friend to be this late, and the four of them were starting to wonder if something had happened.
"Do you think something is wrong with Moca?" Tomoe asked, starting to worry as she looked between her phone to the other three girls with her. She was not the only one who seemed anxious, however, as the remaining members of Afterglow looked just as worried as the redhead, if not more so.
"Even if there was something wrong, she would tell us… right?" Himari looked for reassurance from her friends, any of her friends, but was met with only silence. Not the type of silence to indicate a negative response, but because Himari's friends were all too worried to think of an answer to Himari's question.
A painful silence that lasted an extended period of time, and one that was only broken when somebody finally gathered enough courage to say what was on her mind.
"Don't everybody think… that Moca-chan has been acting weird lately?" Tsugumi asked carefully, speaking slowly to give her enough time to think of the right words to be using in this situation. As three pairs of eyes turned to look at the brunette, silently asking for an explanation, Tsugumi flinched slightly before meekly adding, "I mean, Moca-chan seemed a lot more distant than she usually was this past couple of days. Has anyone else noticed something strange about her?"
"Now that you mention it…" Himari trailed off as she tried to remember something important. It took her a couple seconds to finally do so, but once she did she was quick to exclaim, "That's it! Moca said that she had something to do on Friday when she ran into Lisa-senpai and me in the class after school had ended. I couldn't ask her what it was, though… Moca ran before either Lisa-senpai or I could ask her."
"You guys can go inside and practice first," Ran said suddenly after having remained silent for the whole discussion. Before the other girls could fully process what she was doing, Ran had already picked up her guitar case and turned around, "I am going to look for her. I will be back soon."
Having said what she needed to say, Ran promptly turned around on her heel and started walking away from the group. Despite sounding very confident in knowing where Moca was, Ran was at a loss. The truth was that Ran had no idea where the guitarist could be and could not think of any reason why Moca would be away for so long without informing any of them first.
Right when Ran had slowed down her pace to properly weigh her options, she felt something vibrate in her pocket. Digging through it and pulling it out when her fingers curled themselves around the offending object, Ran was surprised that it was her phone. What surprised her even more, however, was when Ran found out who was calling her.
"Yes, it is Mitake Ran. What is wrong, Lisa-san?" Ran said as soon as she picked up the call and placed her phone against her ear.
Ran's greeting was not replied to directly, however, and she could have sworn that she heard a lot of frantic and erratic movement in the background on the other end of the call. Just before Ran wanted to open her mouth to say something to her senior again, she heard a familiar voice.
"Ran! I need your help!" Lisa shouted hurriedly, making Ran flinch at the unexpected volume in which her senior had called her. Lisa sounded exhausted and her breathing was heavy, almost as if she had been running around just now, but Ran was sure that she heard another thing in Lisa's voice… Fear? Panic? Despair?
Ran shook her head vigorously to try and clear her mind from those thoughts. Knowing that there were bigger problems right now, she tried to focus on those instead, "What's wrong, Lisa-san? Did something happen?"
"Yes, something happened! I can't reach Moca on her phone and I'm starting to worry about her!" Lisa cried out, not even bothering to keep the despair and desperation hidden this time. But Ran was not paying any attention to that anymore.
'Moca isn't answering anybody…?' Ran thought to herself with a small frown, thinking back on how her childhood friend was. And not responding to people's calls was definitely not something that Ran thought was very Moca-like.
"Lisa-san, I'm sorry, but can I ask you to check places where Moca could be?" Ran asked, keeping her voice as even as possible while a part of her was reminding her that she was still talking to her senior. Taking a deep breath to calm herself down a little, Ran added, "How about Lisa-san checks the Yamabuki Bakery and the places around there? I will see if she is at her house, perhaps she just slept through the whole day… again…"
"Right, I am on my way," Lisa, who sounded a lot calmer now than she did only seconds ago, responded. There was a momentary pause in which Ran only assumed Lisa was moving around to get ready to leave, but it was soon broken when Lisa's concerned voice came through the call once again, "Ran, please contact me if you have found her, okay? I promise I will give you a call again if I manage to find her first."
"Of course, Lisa-san," Ran nodded despite knowing that Lisa had no way of knowing this. Satisfied with the result of the call, even though she was now significantly more worried about what Moca was doing and where she was, Ran ended the call.
Ran had to take a deep breath after that, still somewhat unsure as to what was going on. Knowing that Lisa had gotten wind of Moca's unusual behavior lately was worrying for Ran, confirming to Afterglow's vocalist that there really was something going on with Moca, but she tried to ignore that. Instead, Ran tried to focus as much as possible on the fact that Lisa had promised she would help look for Moca.
'I should probably inform the others about this…' Ran thought to herself, taking out her phone again before scrolling through it for a bit to find the group chat with her friends. After a moment to consider what exactly she wanted to tell her friends, Ran nodded silently and typed away.
"I just got a call from Lisa-san who said that she could not reach Moca either. She promised to look for her and tell us if she knew anything. I am going to Moca's house and see if she overslept again or not."
Turning her phone off once again, Ran looked around her to remind herself where exactly she was again. As soon as she got her bearings right, Ran walked off to where she knew was Moca's house with only one thought in her mind.
It didn't take Ran very long to reach her destination after that, the girl ending up fairly surprised that she got here so fast. She didn't know she was only a couple of blocks away from Moca's house when Lisa called her, so Ran didn't need to walk very far after that; not that Ran was complaining about this revelation.
The building that Ran was standing in front of was small and dull, and Ran shuddered at the sight of it. Ran never liked the looks of the house when she first saw it so many years ago, but somehow seeing it now was so much worse. Even to this day, nobody in Afterglow understood why Moca had decided to stay in this house when she was offered many times to live somewhere else.
Ran gulped, feeling somewhat nervous but not only because this house made chills run down her spine. Even though she was where she wanted to be, Ran knew that the real challenge was still there.
"If Moca is truly still asleep, it is going to be annoying to try and wake her up to open the door…" Ran thought out loud, looking around for what she was sure was here. A smile started to tug at her lips when Ran saw the familiar line of potted plants by the door.
Walking over to the third plant on the right, Ran dug through the soil for several seconds. Finally, Ran found what she was looking for, and when she pulled out her hand again she saw a small metal key lying in the palm of her dirty hand.
Moca never managed to copy the keys of the house to allow her friends to enter whenever they wanted. This was something that Ran had always thought Moca wanted to do because of all the trouble she would have to go through to open the door all the time. Even so, Moca still had a reserve key that the other members of Afterglow could use when Moca wasn't answering the door.
Feeling surprisingly hesitant and shaky all of a sudden, Ran pushed the key in the keyhole and turned, quietly unlocking the front door.
Ran was scared. This was definitely not have been the first time that she was in Moca's house, but it sure felt different from all the other times. She didn't know just how it was different, it just… was… The air felt heavier, the shadows felt darker, and Ran could tell immediately that something was wrong.
She was about to slowly back away from the door when a hand suddenly grabbing her shoulder almost caused Ran to scream.
"Ran-chan! It's okay, it's me! Tsugumi!"
Trying to force herself to calm down enough to make sense of the situation, Ran saw that the voice indeed belonged to Tsugumi. But what was she doing here?
"Tsugumi?" Ran blinked, still not sure whether she was trusting her eyes enough at this point. Because not only was Tsugumi here, Ran also found two other familiar figures standing right behind the brunette, "Tomoe? Himari? What is everybody doing here?"
"I guess we all thought that if Moca was anywhere, it would be here," Tomoe said, answering Ran's question for the other two before adding, "Besides, Lisa-san called us not too long ago. She said that Moca wasn't in any of the places that she looked at."
"And Tsugu even asked Eve-chan to see if Moca was at that playground when Eve-chan said that she was in the area," Himari continued solemnly, and when Ran looked at Tsugumi she nodded to confirm what Himari had just said. Himari wasn't finished yet, however, as she quickly added, "But she found nobody there, either. Which is why we thought we should be coming here."
"All right…" Ran trailed off before turning around to face Moca's house again. With her three close friends behind her, Ran entered the building.
Once the four of them were inside, and Tomoe having made sure to lock the front door behind her again, the first thing that they noticed was that it was surprisingly dark for a sunny afternoon. Tsugumi quickly excused herself, saying something about curtains and living room, only for her to return seconds later after warm and bright sunlight illuminated the house again.
"Thank you, Tsugu," Himari said with a weak smile to which Tsugumi just made a motion with her hands that it was no problem.
"But even so… doesn't everyone think that it is… too quiet?" Tsugumi asked as soon as she had rejoined her friends by the front door. Looking around to see what her friends would say in response to her question, Tsugumi was surprised to see the defeated and uneasy looks on their faces.
It wasn't that they hadn't realized this before, but that they didn't want to be the one to bring it up.
Tsugumi was right, however: the members of Afterglow have always known Moca's house as being loud. Whether this was because Moca was practicing her guitar again or had left the television on, there would always be some sort of sound to welcome them whenever they entered.
So entering a silent house was unnerving for the girls.
"A-Anyway…" Tomoe tried to break the heavy silence between them after Tsugumi had apologized profusely for her mistake. Even so, Tomoe didn't quite know how to continue her sentence, so she ended up trailing off.
"There is still a chance that Moca is asleep in her room," Ran said in a voice she forced to stay calm, but she wasn't able to hide the unusually high pitch in which she said it. Ran chose to ignore the stares that she was getting from her friends and started to make her way up the stairs ahead of them, "Let's go."
The remaining members of Afterglow did not need a lot of time to make up their minds, and before they knew it they were already following closely after Ran. Walking silently, the four of them finally reached the hallway of the second floor only to find that it was in an even worse state than the ground floor of the house if that was physically possible.
A thick layer of dust was covering the floor, making the girls grateful that they had unanimously agreed to keep their shoes on. Cobwebs of various different sizes decorated the walls, making the place look even more abandoned than before and forcing out a quiet yelp from Himari as soon as she saw them.
And to make it look even worse, a large stack of broken furniture was pushed into a pile in the corner, something that Ran noticed first among the group.
"This… isn't like Moca…" Himari squeaked, looking around worriedly while making sure that she didn't stray too far from her friends. There wasn't a lot to get lost in, but the thought of being separated scared the bassist.
"Well, here we are…" Tsugumi said with a deep breath when the four of them were standing in front of a familiar door. Turning to Himari before the two girls nodded simultaneously, Himari knocked on the door a couple of times while Tsugumi called out, "Moca-chan! It's me, Tsugumi. The others are here as well; can we please enter?"
The four girls knew that they had to wait for a response, knowing how irritated Moca could be if they were to just barge into her room. Even so, they ended up waiting for far longer than they were ready to be waiting for.
Before any of the girls realized it, half an hour had already passed and they still had yet to receive a response from Moca. Growing more and more impatient, it wasn't long until one of them finally snapped.
"This is it!" Tomoe exclaimed angrily, stepping past Himari and Tsugumi to harshly knock on Moca's door, "Moca! We're coming in!"
"Tomoe!" Himari said hurriedly, sounding aghast as she turned to Tomoe with wide eyes. Tsugumi and Ran clearly felt the same way as Himari did, but neither of them managed to voice their thoughts to Tomoe fast enough. Neither of them could stop Tomoe now, either.
"Move aside!" Tomoe warned as she took a couple steps back, trying to get as much space between her and the door as possible. When Tsugumi and Himari finally realized what Tomoe was doing, they stepped aside quickly to not be in the way of Tomoe.
"Here I come, Moca!"
With a roar indicating her entrance, Tomoe rushed forward with all of her might while aiming all of her weight on Moca's bedroom door.
"You know it is open, right?" Ran asked nonchalantly, kicking the door open with her foot and moving back just in time to avoid getting run over by Tomoe.
Tomoe, not having expected this, ended up slipping and falling in a painful heap on Moca's bedroom floor. A painful landing that ended up being even more painful thanks to all the stuff that Moca had left on the floor.
"Moca's room… it's the same as always…" Ran mused as she looked around, noting that the room looked exactly like she had remembered it to be. Even all the stuff that used to lay on the ground the last time she was here were in the exact same spot as Ran remembered them to be.
"Ah, Moca-chan!" Tsugumi called out, sounding cheerful and somewhat relieved as she saw the figure lying on the bed. Ran and Himari both turned to look as well, prompted to do so by Tsugumi's call, and saw that Moca was indeed in her bed.
"Sheesh, Moca, what have you been—" Himari began, but her words died out in her throat when she saw it. Ran and Tsugumi both looked at Himari curiously to see why she had stopped, but only saw the bassist with wide eyes.
Feeling uneasy once again, Ran and Tsugumi slowly turned their head in the direction that Himari was looking at. The dull and reverberating distinct sound of knees hitting the floor soon echoed through the room.
"Ow… my head…" Tomoe groaned, rubbing her head with her hand as she slowly got back on her feet. It didn't take the redhead long to understand what was going on, "Moca!"
Running over to where Moca's prone, unmoving body lay on the bed, Tomoe skidded to a halt and checked the condition of her friend. It was a futile effort, however, as Tomoe already knew what the result was going to be even before she started.
"Tsugu! Go call the police and ask them to come here quickly!" Tomoe said hurriedly, turning to Tsugumi while doing so and pointing to the door. Tsugumi nodded in confirmation and, with legs that were still shaking, left the room in a hurry.
"Moca…"
"What-What should I do?"
"Help me get Ran out of here," Tomoe responded quickly without looking at Himari. Despite this, however, Tomoe knew that Himari knew what she had to be doing; and, as Tomoe had convinced herself, Himari had joined Tomoe's side not long after.
Together with Himari's help, Tomoe hoisted Ran back on her feet and, with one arm draped on the shoulder of either friend, Ran was clumsily escorted back out of Moca's room.
The three of them remained silent as they walked through the hallway and back down the stairs where they knew Tsugumi would be waiting for them. A long, painful walk that was only broken when they had reached the first step of the stairs.
"Tomoe… why do you think that Moca…?" Himari asked carefully, but couldn't bring herself to finish her own question. As the words left her mouth, Himari tried to look up to the side to see how Tomoe would react and, in the process, see that Ran still seemed very much out of it.
"I don't know…" Tomoe admitted slowly after she took her time to think over her potential answer. When she felt more than actually saw the change in Himari's mood, Tomoe added, "I guess Moca… has been going through something on her own that she couldn't tell us… and she couldn't tell us for some reason…"
"That's horrible…" Himari breathed out, trying to imagine what must have pushed Moca beyond her breaking point like that. Or, rather, what could possibly have pushed someone like Moca to that point.
Neither Himari nor Tomoe could say anything else about it, however, as they had just arrived at the front door where Tsugumi was waiting for them.
"Tomoe-chan! Himari-chan!" Tsugumi called out to them whilst waving her arms frantically. Tired of waiting for them, she took it upon herself to get back together by running to them, "I have made the call and they said that they would be on their way. All we can do now is wait for them to arrive…"
As the words left Tsugumi's mouth, they all simultaneously turned to look into the distance where they knew the police would come. When they would.
If they would come…
Three hours had passed since Tsugumi had tried to contact the police after the remaining members of Afterglow found Moca's body, and it was only now that they were finishing up. At this point, while they had yet to fully accept what had happened, they were a lot calmer about it now than before.
Even so, the four of them could still be found huddling close together in a desperate attempt to seek solace and reassurance from each other. All of them, even Ran, were holding the other three close to them as if they were afraid of losing them to the same fate as Moca's if they were to let go of any of them.
"Excuse me, I know that this might still be a bad time for all of you but I need to ask you some questions."
The gentle voice shook the remaining members of Afterglow back to reality, prompting all of them to look up into the face of a female officer who looked like she was in her late-twenties. She had a sad smile on her face and seemed very uneasy about something; even so, she continued when she saw that she had the four girls' attention, understanding that she needed to take advantage of this golden opportunity.
"Do any of you know if there is any family that we should contact?" she asked, her voice sounding soft and comforting to the four girls, something that they all silently appreciated.
It was Ran who stepped up to answer the question with a shake of her head, "She does not. We were… no, we are her only family, and even we… even we didn't…"
"I see…" the officer trailed off with a sad smile as she looked between the four girls. The members of Afterglow knew that she was contemplating something, but it took a surprisingly long time for her to bring it up, "In that case… I want you to have this."
Surprising the girls, the officer rummaged through her pocket and pulled out a folded piece of paper. With a short period of hesitation, she finally offered it to a very confused Ran.
"What… is that?" Ran asked carefully, not wanting to come over as too rude but not knowing how else to ask the question that she knew was on everybody's mind. However, even as the words were leaving her mouth she could feel it.
Something was pulling Ran towards that piece of paper. An urge from deep within her that she couldn't quite explain was urging her to reach out her hand and grab it, and in an effort to restrain herself Ran shut her eyes tightly.
Because of this, Ran had almost missed the response that she got from the officer.
"We found it in one of her pockets when we brought her out," she said with a subtle nod in the direction of the vehicle behind her. As she waited futilely for a response, she smiled before offering the piece of paper to Ran again, "Go on, I think it is better for one of you to have it. If you all meant as much to her as you claim to be, it could very well have been specifically for you girls to have."
Himari and Tsugumi looked between the piece of paper in her hand to the officer, both clearly wondering what the officer was thinking. Ran, on the other hand, didn't know what she should be doing; if it was found in Moca's pockets, then that could only mean that—
"Thank you very much," a grateful yet significantly shaky voice brought everybody back to reality. When they turned to the direction of the voice, they all saw that Tomoe had accepted the piece of paper from the officer.
"I hope that you can use whatever is in that, and once again: I am really sorry for your loss," the officer smiled a painful smile and, with a wave and a quick goodbye, left the four girls alone.
With the departure of the officer, silence fell between the four friends. A silence that wasn't all that heavy, but still managed to weight them down enough for a prolonged period of time.
It would be a very long time before one of them finally managed to break the silence.
"So… should we see what is written in there?" Himari asked softly, looking worriedly between her friends while simultaneously trying to avoid eye contact from any of them. She didn't know whether or not she was able to handle the looks on their faces if she did look at any of them directly.
Little did she know, partly because she avoided their gazes, that her childhood friends were currently feeling the exact same way as she was.
"I guess we should…" Ran nodded, gently taking the paper out of Tomoe's hands when she realized that the redhead would not do anything. Carefully folding the paper open so as to not accidentally damage it, the first thing that she noticed was the handwriting, "This is… Moca's!"
That did it. Somehow, simply hearing Moca's name was enough to bring the other three girls closer to Ran and, as a result, urge Ran to start reading.
None of them knew what would be in the letter, even if they all shared the same guess. Even so, Ran knew that she couldn't drag this out any longer. With a deep breath, she started reading the contents of the letter aloud.
Their last connection to their late friend.
If you are reading this, then you have finally found me, didn't you? Thank you for caring enough to look for me and to read through this final letter, even though the fact that you are reading this means that you are too late~
Now that I have your attention, I can finally start telling you my story~ a story that I have kept to myself for so very long. Please read through this all, as this is the last thing that binds me to this world. This is my legacy.
My story began years ago, on the day when my life turned upside-down. On the day when both my parents—
"Just skip this part," Tomoe interjected, catching Ran off-guard who looked back at Tomoe in surprise. With a small wince, Tomoe took a deep breath before calmly adding, "We all already know what happened that day, so please move on to the next part, Ran."
Ran and Tomoe shared eye contact for a moment before Ran broke it and took the opportunity to look at the other two girls. Both girls nodded, both seeming hesitant but also sure of their decision.
'I guess… nobody wants to be reminded how Moca lost her parents and started to get bullied by everybody…' Ran thought to herself with a frown, suppressing the urge to ball her hands into fists as that would ruin the final memory they had of their friend they had lost forever.
After some more time had passed where Ran was considering her options, she nodded, "All right."
I fought every day to keep a smile on my face and to make sure that nobody would worry about me again. I think that Ran might have noticed something at times, but even if she did she didn't say anything about it.
And that was when things went from bad to worse for me…
"Does that mean…?" Ran trailed off as she let those last couple of words linger in her mind. Those words weighed heavily on her, but before she could fully think about it she felt a hand on her shoulder.
"Ran, what happened… it isn't your fault…" Himari tried to reassure Ran with a sad smile, "None of us were able to stop it so we are all at least partly to blame."
"If Ran-chan isn't feeling like continuing to read it, I can take over," Tsugumi offered helpfully, stretching out her hand in the direction of the letter. Before she could grab it, however, Ran had already given her response.
"No, I… I can do it," Ran said adamantly, going back to the letter but having unknowingly put a small smile on her friends' faces.
I want to believe in my friends. They meant the world to me, they still do as I am writing this. But this is about what all of them did to push me to this.
Don't see this as them being mean and bullies to me. They are great people if only a little unobservant.
They did not realize that I was suffering… alone… for so long…
Even if I am partly to blame for that after all the effort I put into hiding my problems, you would expect friends as close as we were to at least notice that something is wrong, right?
"Did… Did any of you… know…?" Himari breathed out, but much to her disappointment she was met with a negative shake of the head from all of her friends. Himari couldn't think much of it herself, despite knowing that she didn't realize, either, as Ran had picked back up again.
Hii-chan started to act weirdly as well not long after. She started smiling less and less, and she even tried to distance herself away from us. We tried everything that we could to get her back to us, but nothing worked.
That was when I thought that maybe she needed some help from somebody else. Somebody who Hii-chan wasn't very close with already. But introducing Hii-chan to them ended up pushing her further away from us…
It felt like we lost her… that she did not need us anymore, and that feeling kept eating away at me. Even if nobody else knew about this.
"Moca…" one of the girls started to sniffle softly, but the other three tried to pay it no heed. There was still a significant amount of the letter left to go through, and they all knew that this was only the start of it.
It wasn't just Hii-chan who made me feel like they did not need me anymore… Tomo-chin started to respond to me less and less too. We may not have been the closest amongst Afterglow, but I could always rely on the dependable Tomo-chin.
Until one day she stopped responding to me entirely. What did I do to you, Tomo-chin? Do you hate me, too?
"That… That wasn't…" Tomoe could be heard hissing through gritted teeth, and Ran could see Tomoe look away with a hurt look on her face in the corner of her field of vision, "If that was how it looked like to you…"
Ran took a moment to wait for Tomoe to calm down. When the redhead had stopped making noise, Ran shared eye contact with Tsugumi and the two of them knew right then and there that the next part would be about either of them.
If you read up to here already, then thank you for getting up to here. Thank you for caring enough about the old me.
And thank you for not being there when I needed you. When I really needed you.
Both Ran and Tsugumi gulped uneasily, not sure if they were ready for what was to come. Ran took a deep breath and Tsugumi braced herself for the worst, but even Tsugumi could not have prepared herself enough for what was written next in Moca's letter.
Just like Tomo-chin and Hii-chan, Tsugu gradually stopped spending time with us. We all knew that she was busy with other work, as Tsugu always did a super Tsugud job at everything. From the student council to her family's café, she was always dependable.
But why, Tsugu, did you spend so much time with other people when you turned down my offers to spend time together? Spend time together like the good old days?
And even earlier today… Tsugu could not have possibly known, but when I saw her with my senior in the park… she insulted me by insulting something dear to me.
"Insulted something dear to—don't tell me!" Tsugumi exclaimed in shock as the pieces fell in place in her mind. Getting swept over with intense feelings of grief and regret, Tsugumi softly muttered, "I'm… so so sorry…"
Ran was now the only girl who wasn't looking away in pain and regret, but by the looks of how this letter was going she knew that she would soon join them.
Mitake Ran would soon find out just how right she was.
And, finally, Mitake Ran… I don't think I have to remind you of all the times I stood by your side when you needed me? Of all the times where I went out of the way to try and help you?
And, of course, to how you turned away from me when I needed you the most to be with others? How you started to push yourself away from me as soon as you 'did not need me' anymore?
'No… please, Moca…' Ran thought to herself in despair, her eyes having already started to fill with tears. She wanted so desperately to stop reading there, but she knew that she wouldn't be able to forgive herself if she did that.
So Ran pressed on, knowing that she had to stay strong… now of all times.
But that was not the only thing… remember earlier today? Well, it might be a different day by the time you read this, Ran, but do you remember when I suddenly called you out at night? And you thought that I asked you a weird question?
That was me trying to get your help. For you to reassure me that everything was and would be okay for me.
But Ran didn't. Even if it wasn't what Ran had wanted to achieve, her words earlier only put more burden on me. More burden to be someone who I really am not.
And, if anything, I think that was the last straw that broke my back…
The piece of paper slipped through Ran's fingers, slowly fluttering to the ground in a swirling motion. Ran's entire body was trembling heavily and it wasn't long until the first drop fell to the ground below her.
But that was not the end of the letter. A small pool of light from the nearby street light illuminated the last part of the letter, and what were the final words of Aoba Moca left in this world.
I did not write this letter or do what I did to put my friends in a bad light.
I know that I am useless. That nobody needs me. That nobody wants me. So instead of continuing to burden everybody with my presence, I decided to take that burden away from you all.
To the others in Afterglow… I am sorry for my selfish decision, but I hope that you all understand why I did it… don't look at this as a way to blame yourselves for what has happened, but instead, use it to grow. To make sure that nobody else would feel what I felt.
With lots of cheers,
Aoba Moca, former guitarist of the all-girls band Afterglow
The only sound that could be heard after the letter had touched the ground was the despair-filled, defeated, and heartbroken cries of four teenage girls, all huddled together in an effort to comfort the others at the loss of their friend.
The friend that they had lost forever.
When somebody you love is hurting, one of the worst things that you can do is ignore their pain. This is for everybody out there fighting a silent battle on their own. You are not alone and don't let it consume you; find somebody to share your burdens with and find help. Please reach out, as hard as it is to believe this at your darkest hours, there are people who care and there are people who want and can help you.
And for everybody who may know somebody who is fighting a silent battle on their own, please don't remain quiet. Act out, help out; there are more things that you can do than you think!
Because we don't know what could happen in the next couple of seconds… you wouldn't want to wake up and find yourself in the shoes of one of the four remaining members of Afterglow, would you?