His hands are delving into her back, kneading the bare skin like an artesan baker kneads his dough. He is so gentle and strong at the same time and so, so good, she wants to ask him where in the world he learned to give a massage. But maybe it is because she loves his particular hands-their tangle of contradictions, large, clumsy, strong and rough, but with the ability to be so scrumptiously soft, and to write the gentlest and most flowery prose. And she does. Love them. Love him. And then, he stops. She feels a protest building in her throat but it is quickly silenced by the presence of his chin on her shoulder.
He sighs into her, and she feels the tightness of his nerves in the grip of his hands around the roundness of her shoulders. She pictures the way his eyebrows knot when he knows he has made a mistake.
"I messed up. Back there. Didn't I? When you asked me where we were going and I said..."
"Yeah. You kind of did." He exhales when he hears the smile and accompanying eye roll present in her tone. A tightness pushes up against her sternum, presses into the pit of her scar before it flits out of her with a breath. They are going to talk about it. Now. She bites her lip as he slides into the sheets next to her and gently brushes a strand of hair away from her cheek.
"Okay." He says, slapping her with his earnest, puppy dog gaze. "Ask me again."
"Alright." She shrugs, blows a breath out into the room, frustrated. "Castle, where are we going?"
He can see that frustration. All the tension he had worked out of her limbs has climbed back in, throwing things akimbo once again. He wants to relieve that tension. It is his job. But he is so afraid to tell her all the things that have weighed upon his mind every time he has though about them. But he is going to, he has to, for her.
He takes one of her hands in his, toys with it and smiles, the grin winding around his face as if he were the Chesire cat.
"We are going wherever you want us to. And ah ah ah- before you say that it isn't an answer or tell me it is a cop out, hear me out."
She huffs at him a little bit, a flush running into her cheeks as she tamps down the protests she was about to make. Damn him. He does know her very well indeed.
"Kate." All the playfulness that has existed in his voice before has drained away and she doesn't think she has ever heard him so serious. "With you-this time, I have to get it right. Because you, you are so different than any other woman I have ever loved. The way I feel about you...I have never felt this way about anyone else before. So what if Meredith knows what my favorite foods are or how I like my shirts pressed? You know parts of me that I have never shown to anyone else, things about me that I have never shared with a lover before. You have seen all parts, all facets of me and you still choose to be with me. I can be myself with you, I never feel like I am play acting or pretending to be a character. So that is why I have to get it absolutely right this time, with you. If I don't...well I can't even think about it. So, we are going wherever you want to go at the speed you want to drive."
She shimmies her head up onto his chest and presses the seashell ear over the stalwart thrum of his heart. They lay like that for a moment and she soaks in the stillness, letting his words sink in and break her open. He wants to give her time and space, as much as she needs. And yet, sometimes he still misreads her and gets it wrong when he is supposed to get it right. She needs to remind herself that every relationship has cracks, it is just how you deal with them that defines you. She hums a soft note and spiders a hand along the shadow of his jaw.
"If it were entirely up to you, where would you see this heading?" She knows she sounds like a petulant, nagging child, but inside of her there is this fierce desire to know what she is to him, how he ultimately thinks of her in the grand scheme of their relationship. She almost needs him to tell her his vision of the future so she can fit him into the frame of her own.
"I don't want to scare you." He says it so softly and carefully she almost doesn't catch it. "And I know I don't have the greatest track record, but life is a learning experience, right? If I could have it my way, we'd be heading...right...here." He slides his right hand up her left and encircles her ring finger with his pointer and his thumb. "And let me tell you, that is never something I thought I would be thinking about again. But that is part of the power you have over me. I laughed when you said Vaughn wasn't interested in you because you were so wrong. Any man, upon first meeting you would be blown away. You, you're extra-." Before he can even complete the sentence her lips are on his in the sweetest most soul-moving kiss he has ever felt.
He smiles as she breaks away, shaking his head and blinking his eyes. "I don't think I will ever get used to kisses like that."
"I could." She lays back on the pillow her mind going a thousand miles a minute. She runs a hand up his arm. She feels like she wants to always be touching him right now. She wants her cells to memorize the feeling of his.
"I have more questions."
"And I have answers. I have most likely already thought about all the questions you could ever ask! In fact, I have probably dreamed of them a thousand times. More kids?" he makes his voice higher in a poor imitation of hers, "Of course. But only if they're with you." His eyes slip over to hers and he catches her face bursting open with radiance, her adoration shining out of every pore. "
Moving in together? Yes, but you'd keep your apartment for those times you just need your space. Honeymoon? Yeah right. You didn't think you'd get that surprise out of me, did you? Best man? I would have Ryan and Espo fight it out in a cage match. I'd probably even charge for tickets and provide light refreshments."
He has her laughing now albeit through some tears and she leans in to kiss him again. His ability to bring a lightness to a serious situation is something she has always both loved and despised about him.
"Castle?"
"Mhmm?"
"I love you." The words tumble out of her mouth before she even realizes she has spoken them and her cheeks flame before a smile brilliantly unfurls across her face. She has surprised herself, but she has spoken to him the truth at the bottom of her soul.
"Oh I'm sorry, I think I have temporarily gone a bit deaf. You need to repeat that, maybe a little louder this time."
She smiles wider, laughing at his playfulness and feels it expanding within her, pressing out against her ribs, filling her up to her throat.
"I love you."
"Eh?"
"Don't be an ass."
She elbows him in the ribs and settles back into him, closing her eyes against his distinctive, musky scent.
"Kate?"
"Mmmm?"
"What do you want?"
She turns over to face him.
"I want all of you," she kisses his mouth, "you and me," she kisses his ear, "everyday."
His face lights up with glee. "You totally watched the Notebook. You said, and I quote, I don't really like Nicholas Sparks movies. All that romantic ooshy-gushy (you totally made up that word) nonsense makes me uncomfortable and then I end up ugly crying. Who wants to ugly cry at the movies? Not me. So thank you, Mrs. Sparks, for that wonderful Notebook quote."
"Sometimes I happen to like romantic."
"Well I can get romantic."
"Game on, writer boy."
"Challenge accepted, gumshoe girl."
And with that Kate reaches over and turns out the light.