"It's a beautiful day in Lego City. The sun is as round as Legos get and the same shade of yellow it always is-"
Lego Santana turned off her Lego radio in disgust. For once she wished her Lego life was different. She needed to get out of Lego City and explore the vast world of Legopolis.
The only problem was that she needed a Lego method of transportation and most of her Lego funds went towards Lego rent, Lego taxes, and Lego booze.
She decided that the only way to get out of Lego City was to steal a Lego Car so one day she sneaked over to Lego Sugar's mansion and broke into her garage. Sugar had so many cars to choose from so Santana figured she'd never even notice one little tiny Lego motorcycle was missing.
As she sped through the streets of Lego City, she got the feeling that this would change her entire life.
She drove until her Lego stomach began to rumble. Luckily there was a restaurant not too far ahead and she made her way inside, hoping for a cheap lunch that she didn't have to use her Lego MasterCard to buy.
"We're closed," the proprietor told her without even looking up from his Lego paper.
"That's too bad because I was looking for a Lego day's work in exchange for a meal," Santana lied.
The proprietor snorted. "Look, this is a Lego Racers only establishment," he said, pointing to a sign on the wall.
"That says Railroad Crossing Ahead," Santana replied.
"Oh." The proprietor frowned. He looked all of the signs on his wall, searching for the right one to point to.
Santana crept over to the Lego bar where all of the booze was hidden and was opening a bottle of Lego Bud Light when a gang of tough-looking Lego people walked out of the backroom.
"Who's this?" one of them asked the proprietor.
"Don't know, Puck," the proprietor said. "But she ain't one of us."
Santana rolled her eyes at the poor fool's grammar. "You're racers, right?" she asked Puck, who nodded. "Then let me race. If I win, I get to join your group. If I lose, I'll leave and never return."
Puck mulled her proposition over. "Sure thing, Flat Tits," he said.
Santana sighed.
She really needed a Lego boob job.
"Okay, these are the rules. I want a clean race. That means no edging your opponent off a Lego cliff," the proprietor said, looking squarely at Puck. "First one to the end of the Lego Forest and back wins."
"But what if we get ambushed by the Lego Hobbits again?" Puck asked.
The proprietor sighed. "I told you, it's not the Hobbits you gotta look out for, it's the Orcs."
"Why would I need to look out for dorks? I already passed Lego University," Santana said.
The Lego Racers were a mismatched bunch, but they rode in style.
"Holy Bionicle," Santana said, admiring their chopper collection once everyone had gathered around outside. "I, uh, damaged my bike pretty bad back there. Any chance I can use one of yours?"
"Of course!" Puck said. "We can have our Lego mechanic take a look at it for you while we race. What did you say your name was again?"
Santana cleared her throat. "My name is... Sugar!" she said, imitating her old Lego friend. "And I live at 1 Lego Mansion Lane in case you guys wanna, like, ever party."
The group of Lego Racers nodded as a whole. "Yeah, we love to party," one said.
"Righteous," said another with Lego dredlocks. "Hey, we should have a little Lego soiree of our own."
Puck groaned. All his racers ever did was party. Very rarely did they actually race and now a prime opportunity had arrived, but all they wanted to do was throw a Lego kegger. "Looks like I'm the only one willing to take you on, Sugar."
"Fine by me," Santana said.
The proprietor lined them up on the Lego road. "Everybody remember the rules? No, you probably don't. Okay. On your mark, get set, Lego!"
Santana cleared her mind as she peeled out of the restaurant's parking lot. This Lego motorcycle was similar to Sugar's, which made it easy to navigate the twists and turns that the road going through Lego Forest took her down. Puck however had a bit of an advantage since he'd been down this path before, but Santana had a plan.
Meanwhile, in the forest...
"You've got to keep going, Mr. Kurt," Lego Hobbit Blaine told his lifelong friend, and new boyfriend, Lego Hobbit Kurt.
Together it was their destiny to reach Lego Mt. Doom. Suddenly, a roar startled them both.
"Orcs!" Blaine said, ducking behind a fallen tree and pulling Kurt with him. When he peered over the tree to see how many they'd have to fight, however, he was startled to discover the sound was not Orcs at all.
They were two human Legos on plastic stallions!
Puck grinned as he neared the edge of Lego Forrest. Beyond that was the town of Legodock and past that was the great Lego Sea. Santana was too far behind him to catch up so he skidded in a circle and headed home.
He passed the Hobbits a second time and Santana shortly after that. He waved as they crossed paths, knowing his victory was eminent.
But Santana kept on pressing forward until she reached Legodock. Those Lego Racers were such idiots. Why would she ever bring their motorcycle back?
Things were treacherous in Legodock. She knew that many Lego Pirates resided here and although she had a sharp Lego tongue, she was not an experienced fighter.
"You look like you could use a bit o'advice," one sailor said to her. He was drunk on Lego whiskey and looked like something straight out of a Lego Movie with his peg leg and eye patch.
She nodded. She wanted to cross the rough Lego Sea, but she didn't know how.
He smiled at her with a mouth full of gold teeth. "There's a ferry for people who don't like the company of pirates."
"How much does it cost?" Santana asked.
"100 bricks," the man said.
"And they say pirates rob people," Santana complained.
Rather than leave a plastic trail, Santana decided to stow away on some ship called the Black Pearl. Sneaking on was easy enough - there was too much commotion on deck for anyone to even notice a Lego City girl sneaking on board.
"You best start believing in ghost stories, Miss Fabray," a voice said behind Santana, who only caught a tiny part of their conversation. "You're in one."
Santana's jaw dropped. What the fuck had she gotten herself into this time?
Below deck, Santana hid from all of the weirdo pirates that were on board this ship. There was something fishy about them, but she couldn't quite figure it out. Her mother had always told her that Lego Ghosts weren't real.
She watched as Miss Fabray was led down the stairs and thrown into the ship's hold. The Lego man who threw her in there placed the key on a ring out of Miss Fabray's reach, but it wasn't out of Santana's.
"Don't be afraid. I want to help you," Santana said to the frightened girl, while fumbling with the key.
"Who are you?" Miss Fabray asked.
"You can call me Indiana Santana. I'm a professor of archaeology at Lego University," she lied.
The Black Pearl sailed for what seemed like forever. Santana passed her time making up stories to impress Quinn, who seemed like the kind of girl that wasn't impressed by much. Santana also stole food for the both of them and helped eased Quinn's seasickness by handing her a Lego bucket every time she needed to Lego puke.
It would look suspicious if Quinn managed to get out of the ship's hold so the two ultimately agreed that Santana would release her once they finally docked.
Above deck, the captain watched as land grew nearer. "Mr. Evans, inform the prisoner we're almost there," the captain said.
Mr. Evans, or Sam as he was often called, made his way to the ship's hold. "Prisoner! We're almost there! That's all."
"Almost where?" Santana whispered to Quinn, who shrugged.
The ship rocked back and forth a few more times before coming to a halt. Mr. Evans unlocked the ship's hold and grabbed Quinn by the wrist before dragging her upstairs to the deck, where Santana followed closely behind out of his sight.
"Where are we?" Quinn asked.
"Welcome to Lego Diagon Alley, Miss Fabray," the captain of the Black Pearl said. "I knew their was something different about you. It's that coin you wear around your neck."
Quinn touched her necklace. "This? This is just some trinket I got from a friend."
"You lie!" the captain yelled. "That is Lego Gringotts gold and the reason you have it is because you're a witch without a wand!"
"I've heard of Gringotts before," Mr. Evans said. "It's like...a dungeon."
"Yes and it's filled to the brim with treasures," the captain said, "but only those blasted magical folk can enter."
Santana gasped. The fact that witches and wizards existed was strange enough, but the ghost pirates were willing to put Quinn in harm's way just to satisfy their own needs!
"A good friend of mine told me where I could find Diagon Alley. Turns out it was hiding in plain sight!" the captain continued. "Now let's go over the plan, Miss Fabray. You take us into the vaults and help us relieve them of their gold. Your prize is your freedom. Got it?"
"One minor flaw in your plan. You need a Lego wand to even get into a Gringotts vault," Quinn said.
"Then we'll steal one," the captain said. "But there's no way you're getting your hands on it, my dear."
"Spare money for a Squib?" Mr. Evans asked passersby. If one got close enough, he could wrestle a wand away from them.
"You poor thing," a witch said. She pulled a handful of Knuts out of her purse and put it in Sam's trifold hat. He grabbed her wrist. Just as he was about to take her wand, he paused.
"Thank you for the donation," he said gruffly. He had to let this nice woman go. He'd find some asshole to target instead.
"Hi."
Santana turned away from the action to see a witch in navy blue robes staring back at her. "Go away. I'm in the middle of something," Santana said.
"Oh," the woman replied, "is that why you're following those pirates?"
Santana blinked. "Yeah. That's exactly what I'm in the middle of. You see that chick that's with them? She's been kidnapped."
"That's terrible," the woman said, frowning.
"Brittany, time to buy you a new pet!" another witch called.
The girl shook her head. "Uh oh. That's my mom."
Santana grabbed Brittany's arm. "Don't go," she pleaded. "Maybe you can help me."
Brittany smiled at her shyly. "I guess my new Lego Kneazle can wait. What's your name?" she asked.
"Just... Santana," Santana said.
"That's cute," Brittany said. "Okay, here goes nothing." Brittany lifted her wand up and pointed it at the Captain before yelling, "STUPEFY!" She did the same to Sam before he could even turn around.
Both men went rigid and crashed to the ground.
Quinn froze before turning to look at a smug Santana, who winked. "Toldja I'd get you out of this mess," Santana said.
Quinn rolled her eyes. "Whatever you say, Professor. Thanks for the helping hand, Britt."
Brittany shrugged. "No problem, Quinn."
Santana looked between the two of them. "Wait, you two know each other?"
"Yeah," Brittany said. "We both teach at Lego Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, but somebody here spent her summer holiday in Legodock."
"Getting kidnapped by pirates, no less," Quinn added.
Santana was stunned. "But... those are ghost pirates!"
"Yeah, at night," Quinn explained. "During the day they're just bumbling idiots who always try to steal from us. That's probably the closest they've ever been."
Brittany laughed. "So what exactly happened to your wand, Quinn?"
"A giant sat on it," Quinn said.
A thought popped into Santana's head. "Is there any way I can learn magic?" she asked.
Brittany nodded. "Come with me," she said, taking Santana and Quinn by the hand. In a flash, they were transported to a village similar to Diagon Alley, though less crowded. "I'm afraid we'll have to walk the rest of the way."
They walked until they reached an enormous Lego castle.
"This is where we sort the kids into their Lego Hogwarts Houses," Brittany said, leading Santana into a room with four long, wooden tables. She raised her wand into the air. "Accio Sorting Hat."
"Nothing's happening," Santana said.
"Just wait," Quinn told her.
After a few minutes, a flying hat zoomed through the door and into Brittany's open arms. She then plunked it onto Santana's bumpy Lego head and grinned.
"Hello Santana from Lego City," a voice said inside Santana's head.
"What the fuck?" Santana thought.
"Oh, you didn't know that I can read your innermost thoughts? What a strange witch you are. Did you go to Durmstrang? No, you'd be wearing more fur. Beauxbatons, perhaps? No, you didn't go there either."
"I just want to learn magic. I'm more than just some Lego City girl," Santana said, this time out loud.
"What an unusual time to be sorted. Anyway, I see in your heart that you seek adventure and - what is that? Love?"
Santana blushed. "Maybe."
"I like your nerve," the Sorting Hat said so that Brittany and Quinn could hear too. "Must be a... GRYFFINDOR!"
"Congratulations," Quinn said. "You may be the oldest First Year, Professor, but you're also going to be the best one."
"You're my favorite already," Brittany said, hugging Santana.
Santana sighed. "So why didn't I get a letter or something when I was a kid telling me that I'm a witch?"
"The Lego World works in mysterious ways," Quinn said.
Brittany let go of Santana and looked at her. "Hogwarts was always here waiting for you," she said. "Maybe you just had to grow up first in order to start believing in magic."
Santana scratched her head. "That seems kind of backwards."
"Most things don't go the way they're planned," Brittany whispered in Santana's ear. "For example, I have to wait seven years to sleep with you or else I'll be fired for having an affair with a student."