The ominous crescendo of the promo video's music ends, and the camera settles on the English announce table. Jim Ross looks up and begins speaking. "And if you're just joining us or have been living under a rock for the past two weeks, what's about to happen is a unique, a singular event in the history of both politics and sports entertainment. Ladies and gentlemen what I'm referring to is the match between Mitt Romney and Barack Hussein Obama that will be taking place next."
"Obama and Romney have met in the ring before, that match at SummerSlam," Said King. "But this is going to be perhaps the most important match ever- and I mean ever- because, folks, the presidency of the United States of America is going to be on the line!"
"Yeah, there's been no shortage of controversy in this rivalry," Michael Cole said. "There was the absolute chaos of the SummerSlam match's ending, and then the dead heat in the election, followed by a total recount of the vote- and that's something that's never happened before in the entire history of America."
J.R. speaks up again. "And we've already seen some epic confrontations here tonight: CM Punk retaining the WWE Championship by disqualification when the Undertaker returns and chokeslams him damn near through the canvas, Dolph Ziggler retaining the World Heavyweight Championship against a very game Wade Barrett, and Michelle McCool successfully defended her Divas title against both Eve and a returning Kaitlyn."
The camera focuses on Cole. "And then, of course, there's the traditional Survivor Series elimination match. Intercontinental Champion Ryback led his team to victory against Big Show's team, and that match also saw the reemergence of a rededicated Jack Swagger, who came back on the previous Smackdown."
"Certainly, many Superstars enjoyed some success upon returning here tonight, but King who are some people you'd be surprised to see come back?" J.R. asked.
"Well first there'd be Randall Terry," He started, counting on his fingers. "I mean, he Tombstoned the President of the United States. I can't imagine his prison sentence suddenly being up. And then there's Rush Limbaugh and Ron Paul, who also did some time in the big house following SummerSlam. Oh, but I've heard rumors that they're in the building, though. I guess for them it's more a question of having the guts to turn up here."
"And as we know both Ron Paul and Limbaugh are certainly not lacking in that department," J.R. added. "And speaking of familiar faces, the match is about to get underway..." The referee, Scott Armstrong, makes his way to the ring quietly, eyes firmly fixed on the floor. The burden of his duty is visibly weighing on his shoulders, and he can be seen sighing as he walks up the steps to the ring. "And just to remind you, ladies and gentlemen, don't expect to see any interference. Mr. McMahon addressed the issue on Smackdown, and stated any superstar who inserts themselves into the matchup will be fired on the spot. Though, I don't doubt there are certain individuals in the locker room who'd like to have a say in this contest."
"And that also means the superstars who've mentored President Obama and Governor Romney, Daniel Bryan and Kofi Kingston, will not be present at ringside," Michael Cole added. As he finished, Tony Chimel raised the microphone to his mouth and began the introductions.
"Aaaannd introducing first the incumbent president of the United States of America, making his way to the ring, BaRACK O-BAmaaaa!" Real American hits, and the crowd responds with an overwhelming mixed reaction. Obama briefly poses at the top of the entrance ramp for his pyro, a majestic burst of red, white, and blue leaping up behind him. The president is obviously fit, and once again is wearing the blue short shorts and boots and pads with the symbol of the Democratic party on them. He quickly shakes hands with the fans near the steps, and pauses to look above the ring.
"Oh yeah," King begins. "Guess we forgot to mention this is also gonna be a steel cage match." The camera pans up to take in the cage, and when it comes back down Obama is in the ring, walking towards a corner. He hops up and poses for the crowd, a sharp salute. He steps down and heads to the opposite corner to lean back and wait for his opponent.
"Annnnd making his way to the ring, the Republican candidate for the presidency of the United States of America, Mitt! Rrrrromney!" Gonna Fly Now blares over the sound system as the lights dim, and a spotlight focuses on Romney. He throws his arms up to the ceiling for his pyro as the intro ends, and the reaction to his approach to the ring is the same as for Obama's. He declines to shake hands with anyone until he is in the ring, and he extends his hand to Obama. The president accepts with a solemn nod, and Romney turns away to remove his robe. Apparently, he's kept up the training he did for the SummerSlam match, as he is noticably more fit. He is once again wearing the plain black trunks and boots, but his elbow pads now have American flags on them. Mitt tests the ropes for a minute and then backs away as the cage is lowered down.
"Here we go; all the debate, all the talk ends tonight!" J.R. calls. The bell rings, and Romney and Obama shake hands again, before backing off and starting to circle. The crowd starts a "Let's go Romney! O-ba-ma!" chant as the two lock up. Once again Mitt Romney overpowers the president in the clash, driving Obama towards the ropes. They roll to the corner in the struggle, and bounce off the turnbuckle and keep rolling to the next corner, Obama coming out on top and pushing Romney back until Scott Armstrong calls for the break. It's clean, but Romney comes out of it surprisingly fast and slips behind Obama into a rear waistlock. Obama grimaces and struggles with breaking out, until suddenly Romney pushes Obama forwards into the cage and rebounds into a German suplex. "And right away, Mitt Romney taking advantage of the environment. Wouldn't have expected that from him so early, or at all, even."
"But J.R. you gotta remember what's at stake here, we may see plenty of unexpected things from President Obama and Romney tonight," Michael Cole replies. Obama nods at Romney as the two return to their feet, and darts in for another collar-and-elbow tie up. He gets the twist on Romney this time and cinches in the side headlock. Mitt tries a few clubbing blows to Obama's midsection but the headlock stays on. Then, Mitt notices Obama has his near leg up to the front, and grabs the president up for what looks like a back suplex but instead he slams him into the cage before dropping him onto the ropes.
"Ooh! That one rattled the cage!" Says King. "But- hold on, Obama's not rattled! He's back up!"
"And springing off the middle rope for a clothesline!" J.R. finishes. The president goes for a quick cover but Mitt gets a shoulder up at one, and Obama slips on a headlock, really leaning into it. After a moment of fighting it Mitt Romney tries to counter but Obama walks it out, now having Romney's head at an awkward angle. Trying a second time, Romney succeeds in rolling Obama over onto his shoulders. Barack swings his legs back down a hair before three, maintaining the headlock and bridging up a little bit for maximum torque. "Ladies and gentlemen, back in the early days of pro wrestlin' there was a man named Ed Lewis who became a bonafide legend by perfecting the headlock. And I can tell you right now the president has Mitt Romney in a grade A headlock here." Romney takes the headlock for a while longer, before taking advantage of Obama's bridge and pushing himself up, the president coming up to his knees and then Mitt's push brought them into a standing side headlock. Romney sticks the president with a couple back elbows, and then rebounds of the ropes and sends Obama running.
The two meet in the center of the ring with a heavy clothesline from Romney. Obama is right back up, and Mitt charges forwards for another clotheline. Obama pops up again, but this time Romney goes for the body slam. Quickly he rebounds of the ropes and goes for a leg drop, but Obama isn't there when he comes down. Barack's up and running, and comes in with a low dropkick that flattens Romney.
"Up?" He asks, pointing. He nods and begins to start climbing.
"And here's the first escape attempt of the match!" Jerry Lawler points out. "But I have a feeling it's not going to end very well..." Before the sentence was finished Romney is shaking his head clear as he stands, and walking over to the wall. Obama is actually over halfway up, but Romney catches his ankle as he begins his climb. The two are at a stalemate for a moment, until Romney pulls himself up on the president and makes it to the second rope. He grabs for the back of Obama's shorts and pulls, but the effort isn't enough to pull the president down. "Oh! Maybe I was wrong!" Obama tries a few kicks with his near leg, but the angle is bad and they just make Romney bounce. The motion gives Romney an idea, and he bounces more while keeping his hold on the top rope and Obama's shorts, and then on an up bounce he wraps his arms around Barack's waist and falls back. It turns into an ugly but very effective German suplex; Romney slipped on the ropes partway down.
"The escape attempt doesn't end up well after all," Michael Cole says.
"Thunderous German suplex," J.R. adds.
"You could feel that all the way over in D.C.!" King shouts as the replay box comes up on the screen. "Man oh man that looked like it hurt!"
"Indeed, King." J.R. concurs. "As you can see here, Romney didn't get his head to the side as they landed and he took a fair amount of the impact as well." Scott Armstrong hesitantly checks on both men, and Obama stirs first, slowly pulling himself up on the ropes. As he stands Mitt Romney rolls onto his hands and knees and starts crawling for the ropes. As he grabs the middle Obama abruptly drops in with a double axe handle to his shoulders, and adds in a few clubbing strikes to Romney's lower back. The Republican stands and fights back, but is interrupted by a sharp toe kick to the gut. The president hooks him up for a suplex, and lifts Romney into the cage- the heavy bars right in the middle of the wall- but then his arms and shoulders fail him and he drops Romney, down onto the ropes. "And the president, gets a little payback for earlier in the match. Punishing maneuver..."
"True, but Obama isn't going for a pin or escape attempt. He could be hurt." Cole proposes.
"Well with a German suplex like the one he took I wouldn't be too surprised," J.R acknowledges. "Both men back to a vertical base now- and now it's Romney fired up! Shots with the right hand!" Mitt and Barack trade blows, the crowd amping up and shouting their opinions at the two. After a moment Mitt staggers Obama with a right, and grabs the back of Obama's neck to slam him into the cage. Mitt stays aggressive, and drags Obama to the corner, grating the president's face against the steel along the way. He dunks Obama's head on the turnbuckle, and Barack sags down in the corner, facing Romney. He stiffens up after a resounding knife edge chop from Romney, which is soon followed by a few more. The crowd shouts "WOO!" in response to them, and the "Let's go Romney! O-ba-ma!" chant slowly picks up again. Mitt takes several steps backwards towards the opposite corner, then runs forwards and jumps for the splash.
"No one home!" Calls King. Obama reaches over and catches Romney in a cravate, draping Mitt's face over the rope, sinking down and pushing off the turnbuckle for leverage. Mitt is howling in pain now, his hand shaking as he holds onto the cage.
"Do you submit?" Asks Scott Armstrong.
"No! No..." After one last yank Obama releases the hold, and the close-up shot from outside the cage shows Mitt Romney's bleeding from his nose.
"And another of the unexpecteds comes out, this time from the commander in chief. That's a vicious hold that will wear you down in a hurry, folks." J.R. comments.
"And we saw Mitt Romney was starting to bleed a little there," Adds King. Without warning Obama runs in from where he's backed up, but somehow Mitt ducks the splash attempt, and slips on a rear waistlock again. He stays down in the corner for a while, really driving his shoulder into Obama's back and pushing the president into the turnbuckles. Then backing up, he lifts Obama and hooks his leg outside, slamming him back down on his stomach. Romney floats up and gets under Barack's far shoulder, trapping the other arm with his legs and clasping his hands together, and pulling on Obama's neck.
"Potential submission maneuver here," Warns J.R. "We've seen Batista and Dean Ambrose use this; and what this does is put an incredible amount of torque on the neck as well as strain the shoulders."
"The potentially injured neck and shoulders of the president," Cole adds. "And if I remember correctly Batista used it to incapacitate Mark Henry. Mark Henry!"
"And he's got it on Obama smack dab in the middle of the ring!" Continues J.R. "This does not bode well for the president!" Moaning in pain loudly, Obama struggles against the hold to no avail, and Scott Armstrong kneels down to check.
"Can you continue?"
"I... have to!" Obama answers. Obama actually blacks out, but breathes deep and clenches his fists.
"Nearly a whole minute in hold and Obama is still hanging on! Will he last until Romney releases or are we going to have a new president?!" Barack gets a second wind, clenching and unclenching his fists, and then walks out and rolls Romney back into a pin! "Reversed!" Shouts J.R. "Reversed! One, tw- no, Romney gets the shoulder up!" The two separate, Romney coming up to his hands and knees, breathing heavily. Obama curls up and rolls onto his knees, arms hanging limp by his sides, also breathing heavily. He watches Mitt get up to one knee, and then staggering upright, and gives his all to put on a burst of energy and hit Romney with a toe kick, quickly snapping down into a DDT.
"DDT out of nowhere!" King calls. "And Romney is staying down!" The president staggers over to the corner, slowly making his way up the turnbuckles and then the cage wall. As the president takes his first step off the top rope, Romney rolls onto his back, his nose now bleeding freely. He shakes his head and tries to get up and run over, but he falls halfway there. Obama is slow going up the cage, and looks back to see Romney crawling up the ropes. He takes a short break before moving up again, and hears Mitt make it to the cage.
"And the president isn't even trying to stop Mitt Romney now! It's gonna be a race to the finish!" Michael Cole calls. Romney pulls even with Obama, and then they both make it to the top of the cage at the same time. The pair realizes this, and begin trading stiff shots on the top.
"And there's a commotion going on and the Spanish announce table, ladies and gentlemen." J.R. looks away from Romney and Obama so he can report on the disturbance, and gets an unpleasant surprise. "Oh what the Hell, what in the Hell?! Randall Terry! Randall Terry is stripping down the Spanish announce table!" The camera cuts to Terry, who is handcuffed and in an orange jumpsuit, tossing the monitors off to the side. Checking the crowd, he looks up to Mitt and Obama.
"Do it! I dare you!"
"What are you doing out of prison?" Obama shouts back. "What are you here for?"
"Put Mitt through the table! I don't want a weak man running this country, so prove you have the drive to finish and put Mitt Romney through this table!" But while Obama was distracted by Randall Terry, Romney landed a jarring right hand to Obama's jaw, and then grabbed his head and slammed it onto the cage top. He slowly came to a stand, pulling Obama up with him.
"Uh-oh..." King said quietly. Romney then gets a good footing and lifts Obama onto his shoulder.
"Mitt, Mitt don't do it." J.R. asks. "For the love of God put him down and just win the match already!" Taking in the view from the top of the cage for a moment, Mitt Romney pulled Obama down into position for a Tombstone Piledriver and jumped towards the Spanish announce table. For a breathless moment it seems like they're floating in the air, and then reality explodes back onto the scene with splinters and screams. The Bankers Life Fieldhouse erupts, the entire stadium collectively having an eight letter moment. Almost lost amidst the noise, the bell rings. Event medical staff rushes onto the scene, and even Randall Terry is momentarily shocked into silence. As Obama and Romney are checked on, the replay goes up on the Titantron, in slow motion and from different angles. "I am simply at a loss for words right now, ladies and gentlemen. Unbelievable."
"Actually, the bell rang so the match is over," Michael Cole spoke. "But if you'll look on the screen at the replay, again it's too close to call."
"I don't know what Mitt Romney was thinking with that, but it appears they came down at the same time," Jerry Lawler observed. "Maybe if somehow Romney had held on to Obama on impact he would've come out the winner, but, well- he didn't. If the replay from the side comes up again- there we go- see, Romney didn't stay completely vertical all the way through the jump, he leaned in towards the table just before they hit. Maybe that was just forwards momentum or something else, but whatever it was it definitely cost Romney a decisive victory. An-" King was cut short by the crowd's roar; Romney was on his feet and walking, though heavily favoring his right knee. A close-up shot of Obama showed the president was conscious, and the view got another strong cheer from the crowd. He was trying to roll over to his hands and knees, and after a few tries he made it. Romney limps over and helps Obama up, while the medics work on applying ointment to the cuts on Obama's face.
"Excuse me- excuse me, ladies and gentlemen." It's Mr. McMahon, coming around the cage. He sighs before continuing. "As Michael Cole pointed out just a few moments ago, this one was too close to call. I know that you all in the arena here and the rest of America were led to believe there would be a decisive victory tonight, so... Governor Romney, President Obama... with your permission I would like to restart this match."
The two shared a glance before looking back to Mr. McMahon. "America deserves everything we can give it," Mitt Romney says. Obama nods in agreement, but before he can walk back to the steps Mr. McMahon is taken out from behind by Randall Terry! Terry quickly loops his arms over the heads of Obama and Romney and gets behind them, using the chain of his cuffs to choke them both.
"Oh, for- someone get out there and stop him!" J.R. demanded. "Security, somebody get out there!" The camera cuts away from Randall Terry and focuses instead on the horrified faces of Michelle Obama and Ann Romney. Then there's another surge in crowd noise, and the camera zooms in on the crowd to find Rush Limbaugh and Ron Paul leaping over the barricade. The two double down on Randall Terry, slamming into his back. Rush gets Obama and Romney free, and joins the brawl between Terry and Ron Paul. Taking one arm, Rush waited for Ron Paul to grab Randall's other arm, and then they slammed him full force into the cage. Rush Limbaugh spun him around and gave him the Stone Cold Salute, followed up by a Stunner. Randall Terry popped up and fell against the cage, and Ron Paul held him in place as he waited for Limbaugh to get back up. But the wait was cut short, as Obama ran in with a chair! The shot was on target, but Randall ducked it and Ron Paul got brained instead. Security finally made it down to the ring, and swarmed over Randall Terry and the others, shepherding Obama back towards the ring steps.
He walked through the cage door, and was immediately accosted by Mitt Romney, taking a hard double axe handle to his neck and shoulder. He pulls Obama to the middle of the ring, clubbing his lower back with forearm strikes along the way. In a flash Obama spins around to chop down Romney by his right knee, an takes a short breather. Wincing, Obama stands and picks up Mitt's right leg. He puts in a few stomps to the back of Mitt's knee, and pauses to look up at the crowd.
"WOO!" He does a few steps of a jig then spins around and grabs Mitt's left leg, weaving his own legs around them and applying pressure to the hold.
"Figure Four! Figure Four!" Jim Ross calls. "Romney's not too far from the ropes but I don't know if he'll be able to fight through the pain long enough to reach them!" As J.R. finishes Obama gets his hips into the submission maneuver, lifting them up and grunting. Romney is almost hyperventilating, constantly shaking his head as Scott Armstrong asks if he submits. "Mitt Romney writhing now, in pain or perhaps trying to turn onto his stomach to counter!"
"Or both!" King suggests. J.R.'s guess is proven right, as after a few more moments Romney rolls onto his elbows, turning the lock against Obama. He crawls for the ropes now, and as he does Obama lets go of the hold. Romney hops up to standing on his left leg, leaning on the ropes, and sees the president prone on the mat. "Man, that piledriver did so much damage it's a wonder Mitt Romney and Obama could even stand- oh hold on, another submission: Romney's got Obama in a Full Nelson!" The hold was more for control than anything, and Mitt used it to guide Barack towards the corner, stopping to smash Obama into the cage again and then dunking his head on the turnbuckle.
"And Romney's got his wind back," J.R. starts. "Romney, lifting Obama up to the top rope, and a back kick from the president!" Romney stumbles back, as Barack looks over his shoulder to check his position. With a roar Mitt surges up and pushes Obama into the steel one last time. Positioning Obama's right arm between his legs, Mitt Romney grabbed the wrist and reached for Obama's shoulder, pulling the president down onto his own shoulders and shakily walking out to mid ring. "Romney's got the president hooked up! And down to the canvas; Burning Hammer!" The crowd counts the pinfall, 1, 2... and 3. The roar of the crowd could be heard blocks away from the stadium. "You can recount this one all you want! Mitt Romney wins!"
"Aaaannnd the winner of the match and NEW president of the United States of America: Mmmmitt! Rrromney!" Scott Armstrong raises Mitt's hand, and Gonna Fly Now starts playing as the cage lifts up.
"This would be a signature win for any WWE superstar," J.R. says, "But when you consider the stakes I think we have a candidate for biggest match of the whole damn century."
"I'd have to agree with you on that J.R.," Michael Cole said. "On top of the presidency being at stake neither of these men were professional athletes, and then they had to overcome the interference from Randall Terry!"
"This was one I think people will be telling their children and their children's children about," King adds. "We just witnessed a match for the ages."
"And ladies and gentlemen the WWE I'd like to thank you for joining us this evening. Goodnight, and God bless America."
THE END
A/N: As I have stated many times before, I do not intend to vote for either Romney or Obama. Furthermore I bear no ill will towards any of the men depicted here.