My December

Summary: When Dean Winchester blows into Castiel's life, nothing is ever the same…

Setting: The beginning of senior year of high school. Mostly stays in Lawrence, Kansas.

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

~D*C~

Prologue: Don't Waste Your Time

Castiel's POV

"Why?"

"Do you require an answer?"

"Cas, don't avoid the question."

"Avoidance is a sign of unwillingness."

"Goddammit! You're insufferable!"

A smirk slowly makes its way to my lips, her frustration slightly pleasing. She's always called me a sadist, and now I'm starting to see what she means.

The crisp autumn air casually flows around us, ghosting gently over our skin. I inhale deeply, filling my lungs with the breath of bittersweet nostalgia. My heart gives a rather painful lurch as unwarranted memories flash through my mind. I start as I feel someone's hand wrap delicately around mine.

"Lisa…" I exhale quietly. She smiles sadly at me, causing me to roll my eyes. It really is true. Chick-flick moments really do suck.

I sigh. It seems his influence is still present, something that I have rather mixed feelings about. I've always prided myself in being rather eloquent, patient, and kind, albeit anti-bullshit. You'd think that I'd find someone similar to myself to fall in love with, but it seems Fate had other ideas. I immediately divert my thoughts to something else as my heart begins to clench. I promised myself I wouldn't go there.

"So, I see not much has changed. It's the same old Lawrence I left behind," I state rather disdainfully. It's not that I have anything in particular against Lawrence, per se. It's just…things are sort of complicated for me here. Oh, who am I kidding…I shit here and didn't wanna stick around to smell it.

"You're right, nothing's changed. Sitting here with you, I almost feel like we're back in high school again," she says. I can't help but agree with her there.

I find myself studying my companion. Lisa has always been a beautiful girl, if not a simple one. It's a trait that all of the Braeden girls share. She hasn't changed much in the years that I've been gone, but I didn't expect she would. She and I have gotten close over the years, something that surprised the both of us. We weren't always civil to one another...

"You remember how we used to be?" I ask her. She laughs heartily at that.

"Oh my gosh, Cas, I do! We hated each other! We were kids, though. Fools in love, I guess…" she tapers off. Once again, I can't help but agree. Fools in love, huh…

I glance around, taking in the peacefulness of it all. The small café we're at is relatively empty, only one other couple enjoying a late breakfast as we are. School is in officially, so there are no students mulling about. Trust me, I'm not complaining about it at all. Silence is golden, at least in my opinion.

"Have you heard from him?" she asks. She flinches as I glare rather intensely at her. I've done really, really well not thinking about him, thank you very much!

"No, Lisa, I haven't, nor do I wish to," I snap. She glares back at me, but I ignore her. I haven't spoken to him in five years. I loved him with all of my heart, but I chose to leave him anyway. The last time I saw him, it was with tears in his eyes and his hand clutching desperately at his chest. His last words still haunt me.

"You're killing me, Cas."

I would say that I hurt him, but that would be the understatement of a lifetime. I completely and utterly destroyed him. He had done so much to make me happy, to make me proud…I fucked up.

Like I said, I shit and didn't want to stay and smell it.

I glance up at Lisa apologetically. I not only caused myself pain, but I caused her pain as well. And unfortunately for her, she had to stay here and suffer even more. He stayed, and she was left to fend for herself in the uncharted territory of a Dean scorned.

"It's okay, Cas. I…don't blame you. However, you are going to have to make amends. No matter what you say, you aren't happy," she says purposefully. I sigh, deciding not to refute her, for once.

I've gotten rather settled in my life. I left and went to law school in New York, pursuing my childhood dream of becoming a lawyer. I live right in the heart of Manhattan in a charming little apartment. I have plenty of money and steady business. Even now, I'm still working on a few cases during my vacation. Lisa wanted me to be here for her wedding, and I couldn't deny her. I'm glad she found someone.

I, too, found someone, and he's waiting for me back home.

I glance down, playing with the ring on my finger. We bought them for one another about a month ago, his idea, of course. I've never been the 'sentimental' type, so buying rings would never be my idea. Dean and I never did things like that, but that was because we didn't need to. We knew who we were and what we had. With this guy, however, he loves physical representations of love or what have you.

I still love him, though.

"So, marriage, huh?" I ask, changing the subject. At her blush, I know that I'm good for the next hour. No Dean talk, so I'll be okay.

I'll be okay…

~D*C~

It's nighttime in Lawrence.

Yay.

Lisa and I had talked for another hour before parting ways. It was nice, talking to her again after so long. Sure, we had texted and emailed over the years, but we hadn't really talked. I missed her companionship.

I slowly pull my coat tighter around me, fighting off the autumn breeze chilling my bones. Finally left to my own devices, I bask in the loneliness and solitude. True, I love the people in my life quite dearly. However, I can't fight my need to be alone sometimes. Even with my boyfriend, I have to have time to myself. I calmly request that he give me some personal time, and he obliges.

I have no particular destination tonight, just to walk and not think. Everything around me has a story attached, but I ignore the instinct to dive into the associated memory. For once, my heart isn't held in a vice grip of pain and regret, and I have no desire to change that.

I find myself at the park at some point. I can't tell you how long I've been walking or what time it is, though. As I said, I just…walked.

A smile slowly spreads across my face. I've always had a thing for parks, something that New York is definitely not short on. I move to stand under one of the spotlights near the center of the park, looking up at the stars. I used to do this all the time with Dean, who, ironically, was the one who started me to star-watching. It's a habit that just…stuck, I guess.

For whatever reason, I feel a tugging at my consciousness to look to my left. The moment I do so, however, I regret it.

Standing a mere few feet away is Dean Winchester, star-watching and looking for all-the-world like a broken man.

I want to cry at the sight of him.

Even now, after this long, his face is still set in that same pained, haunted look that I remember. He used to always be so happy when we'd stand together, looking at the stars. No matter what had happened during the day, he'd still find it in himself to be completely at peace when partaking in his favorite pastime.

I won't lie. I'm a fucking coward. I want so badly to just turn around and walk away, slink back to my hotel room and hide for the rest of my vacation. That, however, is not going to happen. Lisa would kill me if I ditched her wedding, especially because I couldn't face my own demons…well…demon.

I sigh, letting the soft exhale of breath be carried off in the wind. I turn to leave, but stop as that beautiful voice stops me. If only it had had the same effect so long ago…

"Leaving me again, huh. You just can't stop running, can you?" he asks, sounding so tired. My heart claws at itself at the sound.

"It's been five years, Cas, and I can still feel you. I've never claimed to be psychic or any of that nonsensical bullshit, but I've always…felt whenever you were around. You oughta know this, so there's no use in running and hiding." I hang my head in shame, stung by the bitter truth he speaks.

He slowly turns to look at me, and I…well…there's no words to describe it.

He looks way older than his twenty-three years, but it's all pain. There is no joy within this man, just the shell of a human being who's going through the motions. He moves effortlessly closer to me, seemingly floating towards me. His steps are soundless, reflecting the ghostly quality his being has taken on. I am utterly and completely wracked with guilt.

"Dean, I…" I begin, but stop, not really knowing what to say. His faded evergreen irises stare blankly at me, devoid of all emotion. Like I said, I destroyed him.

"No use saying you're sorry because you're not. You left, and were about to leave again. What made the difference this time? Oh! I know! Guilt," he deadpans. I purse my lips, wanting to fire back with a slew of damaging remarks, but I don't. I deserve his anger, his negativity. My pride is super-pissed off at me right now, but I can't be bothered to care at the moment. It's time I faced him.

"I'm only here for a little while. Lisa wanted me to be in her wedding. I wasn't going to bother you, Dean. I've done enough damage." He looks at me but says nothing. I take that as a sign to continue.

"You may not want to hear it, but I'm sorry, Dean, I really am. I…I fucked up, big time. I promised I'd never hurt you, but I did, and I regret it every day."

He smirks at me, but there is no arrogance in it. It's formed out of habit.

"The irony in this is that you broke a promise to me, but you go and make a promise with another guy, huh. Such a creature of habit, Cas." I go to say something, but he holds his hand up, stopping me. "I'm done now. I've never been one to hold a grudge, so there's no use in starting now. You broke me, and it's taking for fucking ever to piece myself back together."

The sound of small footfalls pulls both of our attentions away from one another. A small smile lights up Dean's face, which makes me wonder.

"Daddy!" I freeze.

"Come 'ere, kiddo," he says lovingly as he scoops up a miniature version of himself. He has the same sandy blonde hair and tan skin of his dad, even the freckles on his nose. The main difference, however, are the eyes. They are a startling hazel color, rich and beautiful and unnaturally wise.

"I take it you're ready to go home, then?" Dean asks between chuckles. He receives an earnest nod in return.

"Yea. I'm weady." If I wasn't such an emotional wreck, I'd 'awww' at him. Unfortunately, I'm rather shell-shocked, as they say. It's not that I didn't think he'd move on, quite the opposite, exactly. However, I didn't think it would be with a woman, let alone produce a child.

An indignant part of me wants to demand answers, ask was I just an experiment for him. However, my mind automatically answers that for me. Dean is not that kind of person, no matter how fucked up he is…was. Our love was real, and there's no denying that. I do have plenty of questions, though…

"Cas." I look up at the mention of my name. "Come on."

I blink stupidly at first, not quite understanding. I don't move until he rolls his eyes and begins to walk off.

"Why, Dean?" I ask, my curiosity getting the better of me.

"Why not?" he replies.

"Why not?" chimes his son.

I hesitantly follow Dean and his son towards the Impala. I honestly can't describe my emotions right now, but maybe talking to him will help me figure things out. I know there's going to be a lot of shit to sift through, so I mentally prepare myself for a long night.

Here goes nothing.

~D*C~

"Would you like something to drink?"

"Only the strongest."

The trip was relatively quiet, save for Dean's son, Scout, holding a one-sided conversation with me. I was too shocked to really say anything back. As I had suspected, he is unnaturally intelligent for a child.

"You know my daddy."

"Why are you so scawered? You'wre shwaking. Twembwing ewen."

"You'wre my daddy's age. You must know my daddy…"

I nearly jump out of my skin as I feel a strong hand grab my shoulder. Dean chuckles lightly to himself.

"Scout has that effect on people. At least you didn't burst into tears," he says quietly. Dean never speaks quietly. I want to just reach out and heal all the pain that I've caused him, bringing back the old Dean that I grew to know and love. I sigh, deciding to move things along.

"Where do we start, Dean? I…I don't know how to do this. Like I said, I wasn't planning on doing this. I was going to simply come for the wedding and then disappear. You would've been none the wiser." And it's the truth. Lisa had said he wasn't coming to the wedding, which worked out perfect. Swoop in and breeze out; that was the plan. I guess Fate had other ideas, though.

"I really don't want to talk about it, but I guess we both need closure, huh?" He takes a long look at the ring on my finger before slowly nodding. The solemn expression on his face makes my heart ache.

"You just left, Cas, you just fucking left. You didn't even give me the chance to fight for this…for us. I changed so much for you. I…fuck, Cas…I'm a broken man. I was finally piecing myself back together, and then you…yeah." He looks away for a second, choosing his next words carefully.

"Let's start from the beginning. Let's take a look back and see where we went wrong. Maybe then we can both move on. You obviously have, but I haven't. I just…haven't."

I nod my head and prepare for the mental barrage. I haven't opened the proverbial 'Pandora's Box' in quite some time, so it's not going to be easy. The desperate look in Dean's eyes gives me the strength I need, though. I close my eyes and take a deep breath. When I open them, I look deep into Dean's tired greens.

"I'm ready."

~D*C~

This is a rewrite of the original My December. I'm starting fresh, but I think you guys will like this incarnation a little better. Dean will be more bad ass, and Cas will be more…well…Cas! The first chapter will be up very soon. I'm going to update this one quickly to recover the lost time from the original, so be prepared. And please, review and let me know what you think. Feedback helps me make my stories better!