Disclaimer: I don't Glee. I don't own a thing. At all.
As Santana rehashed her morning outing into the crowded streets of New York City, she kept thinking about it. About bringing it up. She had wanted to all week since she ransacked the bathroom trash and found the positive pregnancy test in there. All she had were flashbacks of baby gate and the whole mess that went on there and she didn't want to believe that something like that was about to happen all over again. Didn't the breeders ever learn? And she couldn't believe that Rachel would be so careless as to not use protection. There was a moment of pause between their conversation and as Santana looked around to make sure Brody wasn't about to make an appearance from the bathroom after having washed off the drug shame from his frictionless body, she spoke up.
"Okay look now that we're alone, I wanna talk to you about what I found in your bathroom trash underneath the wadded up tissue paper, used cotton swabs and soiled acne wipes. An item which unless Lady Hummel has actually been a lady all these years could only be yours." Santana finished and Rachel looked hesitantly at her. Santana saw the fear flash in those big brown eyes for a moment before Rachel decided to retreat into actress mode and school her features.
"I don't know what you're talking about." Santana didn't miss the quiver of her chin and the mist that welled up in her eyes. She couldn't understand why Rachel was denying it. It could only be hers. They were the only two women living in this household and it definitely wasn't hers. So unless her drug dealer boyfriend had women traipsing in and out of their loft and taking pregnancy tests all willy nilly then it was hers. And even just thinking about Rachel, Rachel Berry, being pregnant, made the butterflies in her stomach stir. Santana gave Rachel that knowing, 'don't-bullshit-me' look.
"Rachel...you're really not gonna tell me about the stick?" Santana asked and the look on the other girls face broke her heart. And although Santana saw the cracks in her facade, she saw her eyes hardened as well. Santana might have crossed a line but she sure as hell wasn't going to let her handle this on her own either. That was the same exact thing she did with Quinn and she wasn't going to let history repeat itself.
"You had no right-" It was meant to sound menacing, Santana was sure, but it only sounded like the words of a scared little girl.
"Rachel I'm your friend. You can trust me. Just tell me what's going on." Santana insisted and that's all it took for Rachel to break down in her arms. To see the anguish and the fear just dance across her face made Santana's heart hurt.
"Oh god..." Santana breathed out, instinct taking over and just holding Rachel. She tried to think of any words she could say to make this alright. But nothing about this situation was alright. So she settled on something generic but something that she believed wholeheartedly.
"You're gonna be okay. It's okay." Santana said as she rubbed Rachel's back, trying to calm her down. She rested her chin on her back and held the girl a little tighter.
"You're gonna be okay." Santana said again and with conviction. She couldn't place all her bets on whether Rachel would be okay but she was gonna try to believe it. And she would help the girl however she could and however she would let her.
XXX
"You ever gonna get out of that bed?" Santana asked with her arms crossed over her chest while she stood in the threshold of Rachel's bedroom. Rachel pulled the covers over her head and gave a grunt. They were snowed in again and while it wasn't ideal to actually go out, the least the brunette could do was stop moping. Santana sighed, rolled her eyes and made her way over to Rachel's bed. She pulled the covers up, the protests from Rachel abundant, and slid in next to the girl, replacing the covers over their heads just like they had been before.
"Santana I really would just like to be alone." Rachel said weakly as she glanced over at her but Santana shrugged.
"I get that. I do. But it's been three days since we talked. Three days that I've given you space and now your time is up." Santana replied easily and that earned her a frustrated sigh from Rachel.
"Why? Why can't you just leave me alone? I don't even want to think about it." Rachel declared and Santana could only shake her head.
"Well that's too bad because you need to. You can't just ignore this Rachel. You could be pregnant and you can't just wish that kind of shit away. This is very real." Santana intoned.
"You think I don't know that Santana! Trust me I know." Rachel snapped so Santana shut her mouth for the time being and let the silence swallow them up. She had been itching for the last three days to talk to Rachel about this again but she didn't want to push. Which was sort of funny seeing as it's her and she basically pushes every situation and everyone. But not this one. It was a sensitive one and her and Rachel were just starting to become friends. So she didn't want to push it.
Santana had also been wanting to ask Rachel if she knew who the father was? Was it Brody or was this the consequence of letting that sack of potatoes Finn Hudson flail on top of her like she heard rumored at Schuester's bomb of a wedding? Or more pressingly, if she ended up really being pregnant, what was she going to do? Was she gonna keep it? Give it up for adoption? Have an abortion? Those were very real options for her and she wanted to know if Rachel had even began to think about it.
"Have you even thought about what you're going to do if you are actually pregnant? I mean they say those pregnancy tests are pretty accurate but there can be false positives as well." Santana spoke up and again Rachel was sighing.
"No. I don't know what I'm gonna do Santana. I have no clue. I don't know if I can take care of a child and I don't know if I'm strong enough to just give them up either. I mean look what that did to Quinn. Look what it did to me." Rachel confessed and while the brunette was never one to really talk about her relationship with Shelby, Santana knew that Shelby giving her up for adoption had left a mark. She knew that more times than not the fact that Shelby gave her up made Rachel feel really insecure. Not that Santana would admit that she knew any of that about the other girl.
"And the other option?" Santana pressed and that had Rachel turning to face her. Santana shifted positions so that she was facing the tiny brunette as well.
"I couldn't. And I'm not saying that women who have done it should be condemned it's their bodies and their choices but I don't think I could." Rachel replied, the tears starting up again. There was silence and sniffling before Rachel was speaking up again.
"I'm so scared Santana." Rachel admitted, the tears falling faster and her face contorting into anguish. All Santana could do was scramble to hold her again and let her know it would be okay.
"I know you're scared but whatever happens, whether this is true or not, you're gonna have people in your life that support you and your decision about it no matter what." Santana assured and that made Rachel hold on to her tighter. Santana could feel the brunette's tears soaking through her tank top but she didn't mind. Once Rachel's sobs died down she detached herself from the taller brunette.
"Sorry I'm being so needy." Rachel apologized as she wiped her face and Santana shook her head.
"Hey, no, stop it. It's okay. That's what I'm here for." Santana declared and Rachel gave her a watery smile.
"Even if that means you're getting Rachel Berry snot all over me." Rachel laughed a little harder at that but that's what Santana was aiming for. There was a moment of silence before Santana decided to trust her gut and reached down to kiss the tiny brunette's forehead. Rachel's eyes fluttered shut and she didn't want to acknowledge the butterflies that started to grow in her stomach at the contact so she just ignored it while giving Santana another smile as she pulled away.
"Now it's been like three days since you've had a shower and it's starting to smell in here so why don't you go do that and I'll make you something to eat. We can even watch a movie." Santana said as she broke their fortress of solitude by pulling the covers from over their heads.
"Oooh can we-" Rachel began but she was abruptly cut off by Santana.
"No. We are not watching Moulin Rouge again. No." Santana replied sternly and that only had Rachel pouting. Santana rolled her eyes and got out of the bed, pulling Rachel with her.
"So get in the shower yeah? Cuz you smell like day old gym socks Rachel." Santana said, voice slightly nasally from holding her nose from the stench. Rachel sniffed herself and pulled back with a calculating look on her face.
"Yeah I'll get on that." Rachel replied and that had Santana laughing as she headed out to the kitchen.
"Santana?" Rachel called out and Santana stopped in her tracks, turning back to face the girl. She had her hands tangled in themselves as she looked up at the taller brunette from under her bangs.
"Thank you." Rachel whispered and Santana gave her a soft smile.
"No problem." Santana replied before tapping the wood of the doorway and heading back towards the kitchen. Rachel couldn't foresee how all this mess was going to turn out but what she was glad for the fact that Santana was on her side.
XXX
Rachel blew out her breath as she looked up at the looming building. Her and Santana were currently standing outside the doors of the clinic. Santana insisted she go get blood work done so that Rachel could be 100% positive whether there was a bun in her oven or not. Rachel was hesitant so Santana did what she does best, she forced her to make the appointment. Her hesitation be damned.
"We gonna go in any time soon? Because it's cold as fuck out here and the sooner the better." Santana sounded off, a slight irritation in her voice. They had literally been standing there for at least ten minutes. Rachel's stomach was feeling a little queasy and she prayed it was nerves and not the early onset of morning sickness. But then she figured eve if she was pregnant, well she wasn't giving birth to a mutant baby so to even start feeling the beginning waves of morning sickness was a tad bit irrational to think. But then again this would be Finn Hudson's spawn.
"Just give me a second Santana. These types of things can't be rushed." Rachel snarked back and Santana rolled her eyes.
"Yeah well pregnancy is one of those 'types of things' that can't be rushed but yet here we are." Santana bit back and immediately wished she had thought that out before opening her mouth. The only word for the look on Rachel's face was sincerely hurt and Santana sighed before she cleared her throat.
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry that was an asshole move. It's just the appointment was at 9:00 am and it is now almost 9:20. We're already late and this needs to be done like now Rachel so you can have some cushion time to figure out what you're going to do if you are pregnant before it's too late." Santana said before she turned to fully face Rachel. Santana was hesitant but she still placed her hands on the brunettes shoulders before rubbing them up and down, trying to issue some sort of comfort.
"I know you're scared. I would be too. But not knowing, I think, is a lot more scarier than knowing. At least knowing presents the opportunity of figuring out how to deal with it. I know you wish you could ignore this or that it wasn't even happening but it is. And I'm just trying to help." Santana said, hands still trying to soothe Rachel as her eyes started to water.
"You can do this. Okay?" Santana asked and Rachel bit her lip as she nodded her head.
"No. I want to hear you say it." Santana pressed, hands stilling on the brunettes arms and squeezing as a show of support. Rachel opened her mouth and then closed it before she finally spoke up.
"I can do this." Rachel declared and Santana gave her a smile before dropping a kiss on her forehead.
"That's my girl. Now let's go in there and get this over with." Santana announced as she grabbed the brunette's hand and lead them inside. Whatever happened from this point on, well Santana was pretty much in this with Rachel until she didn't need her anymore.
XXX
"So who's the father?" Santana asked out of the blue. It was Sunday and the two found themselves doing what they had be doing for the last week or so on Sundays; huddled into each other in Santana's bed underneath their fortress of solitude. Kurt spent Sunday's with Adam and Brody had to work so it left the two of them on their own. Rachel let out a sigh as she played with the taller girl's hair.
"Santana, I don't want to talk about that." Rachel said, trying to put some finality in the words but Santana only shifted her position so she was better facing Rachel.
"Why not? Is it drug dealer Brody? I really fucking hope not because wow poor kid." Santana declared and Rachel rolled her eyes at the girl because she really was going to make her talk about this.
"For the last time, he is not a drug dealer and I'm pretty sure it's Finn's. If there is one, I mean." Santana scoffed and rolled her eyes, retreating back to her previous position. Santana didn't want to admit that hearing it might be that overgrown man-child's baby made her slightly jealous. And if she was being honest, a little angry.
"What?" Rachel questioned as Santana tried to subtly move away from touching Rachel.
"I just don't understand why you keep going back to lumps the clown. I mean plastic Ken isn't any better but really what do you see in Finn Hudson? Like really I can't even find a strong enough word to describe how much his existence offends me." Santana said and Rachel scoffed.
"Okay one, you don't even know Brody that well. And two, Finn was just a one time thing okay. Plus, last time I checked I'm an adult and I can do whatever I want Santana." Rachel finished and Santana was rolling her eyes again. This whole conversation was making her unjustly jealous and angry.
"Okay one, I don't have to know Brody that well to know his type of guy. Don't forget, I was very well versed in dating boys like him. And two, you going back to Finn is just pathetic. Especially after what he put you through. It makes no kind of sense Rachel. I know you want so desperately for someone to love you but get a grip." Santana declared and she can admit that that was really harsh and uncalled for but she said it and she wasn't going to apologize for it either because she meant it.
Rachel didn't even say anything, she just threw the covers off of her, got out of the bed and left Santana's room. The brunette watched her leave and didn't even open her mouth to ask her to wait. Santana knew why she lashed out like that. These past few weeks she had been spending with Rachel were making her confused. She was getting too close to the girl, too attached and she didn't want to admit that she might have a thing for the other brunette. Especially not when there was a possibility she was pregnant with flubbers kid. And especially not when she wasn't even sure she was really over Brittany. The whole situation was starting to give her a headache and she really didn't need it.
But none of that, her emotionally crippling bullshit, was Rachel's fault either. The girl had no idea what was going through Santana's head or how she was feeling and Santana lashing out at her was ideally uncalled for. But it was how she handled things. Anger was her greatest defense mechanism. And while that's true, Santana knew that she couldn't be typical Santana right now because Rachel needed her. She had no one else and she needed her right now. So they danced around each other all day, not saying a word to one another until Santana couldn't take it anymore.
It was around 1:30 in the morning and she still couldn't sleep so she threw back the covers and made her way across the loft to their kitchen. She knew Rachel would be in there too making tea. Santana pulled a glass from the cabinet and made herself a cup of orange juice before she took a seat at their table. There was silence from both of them, each one not wanting to be the first to speak up. After running a hand through her hair, Santana decided to bite the bullet. She was the one who called the girl pathetic and desperate after all.
"Look I'm sorry for the way I said what I said earlier." Santana said before taking a drink from her glass. Rachel let out a humorless laugh.
"So you're sorry for how you called me pathetic and desperate but not actually sorry that you called me pathetic and desperate?" Rachel asked affronted and Santana shrugged.
"I know it was harsh and I could have said it a million times better than that but I'm not sorry for saying what I said just for how harshly I said it." Santana replied and Rachel looked at her incredulously.
"You're unbelievable! That's some apology Santana." Rachel screeched out and Santana scoffed.
"How am I unbelievable? I'm just saying that you can do way better than both of those guys who don't treat you with an ounce of respect or how you're supposed to be treated. You are better than that and you deserve better than that. I won't apologize for calling it out." Santana declared and even though Rachel was supposed to be mad at Santana, hearing the brunette tell her that she was better than that and deserved better than what she's been given made a spike of adrenaline trail through her stomach.
"Why do you even care Santana?" Rachel asked and if Santana really had to examine the reason why she cares so much, then it would lead to complications for all of them.
"Because we're friends." Santana settled on before she finished her juice and then set her glass in the sink. Rachel wasn't going to admit that her stomach sank just a little when Santana said it was because they were friends.
"Look I don't want to fight anymore. I'm sorry and I hope you can accept that." Santana finished before she left the kitchen and went to her room. Half an hour later as Rachel slipped into her bed and let Santana hold her was a testament to the fact that she did accept the brunette's apology.
XXX
Rachel had successfully roped Santana into making vegan chocolate chip cookies with her. Much to Santana's protests. The brunette thought the idea of vegan chocolate chip anything was a sacrilege to the desert gods. But Santana couldn't say no to a possibly pregnant chick. And if she were crazy she would admit that it might have been that insufferable but no doubt adorable pout that Rachel put on.
"Santana, keep mixing the dough! This batch will be done soon and I want to put another one in as soon as possible. Plus it's keeping the place warm!" Rachel scolded and Santana rolled her eyes as she mixed the fake cookie dough together.
"Why couldn't you have had Lady Lips help you make fake chocolate chip cookies? I'm pretty sure this is the kind of thing keebler elves get a hard on for." Santana complained as Rachel huffed and made her way over to her.
"Because he's doing something with Adam. I think they're shopping or seeing a movie." Rachel replied as she tried to tidy up the mess Santana was making.
"And drug dealer Brody?" Santana questioned as Rachel snatched the bowl from her and decided she would mix herself. That was perfectly okay with Santana and she showed as much as she dipped her finger in the batter before hoping up on the counter next to Rachel.
"He's currently at work." Rachel answered and Santana scoffed.
"At work selling cocaine to women with baby's right?" Santana laughed as Rachel huffed again.
"For the last time, he is not a drug dealer Santana! Why are you always making fun of him? It's not nice." Rachel admonished as she went over to check the baking cookies. Santana dipped her finger in the batter again and even though it tasted weird, she kept eating it.
"Maybe because he's a weirdo who smells like someone doused a cabbage patch kid in axe body spray." Santana rationalized and that only had Rachel rolling her eyes again.
"Well I would like it if you would stop." Rachel said as she stood in front of the other brunette who was still perched on the counter.
"What are you gonna do if I don't hobbit?" Santana asked with an eyebrow raised. And while she didn't know what that glint in Rachel's eye meant, she soon did as the girl sat the cookie batter down on the counter and picked up the cup of flour that was next to it.
"You better not Barbara Streisand." Santana warned as she tried to scrambled off the counter but it was too late. Rachel threw the rest of the flour she didn't use for the cookies at her and Santana was appalled.
"You did NOT just do that!" Santana screeched as Rachel backed away laughing hysterically.
"I think I just did." Rachel barely got out because of her laughter and before she knew it Santana was chasing her around the kitchen. They were tossing flour and all the other ingredients at each other. Just as Rachel ran around the table, in hopes to make an escape out of the kitchen and into the safety of the bathroom until Santana called off the war, Santana was quicker and caught the girl by the wrist, pulling her back. Rachel collided with Santana and that sent them both toppling onto the floor, Rachel on top of Santana. They were both in a fit of laughter on the floor and in the mess they had made all over the kitchen.
"Gotcha." Santana said as she flicked some spare flour at the girl above her.
"You got that in my eye Santana!" Rachel yelled, hand flying to her eye, and Santana laughed but sat up with the girl in her lap as she tried to pry Rachel's hand away.
"Here, let me see it!" Santana scolded while Rachel moved her hand but she still had one eye shut tightly.
"Come on, open up." Santana urged and Rachel did as she was told. Santana opened her eye a little wider with her own hand and blew into the girls eye.
"There. All better?" Santana asked. Rachel blinked and rubbed her eye before she was nodding her head.
"Yeah. Better." Rachel declared with a smile and Santana gave her one back. Rachel was still very much in Santana's lap and neither of the girls were moving anytime soon. Rachel had smudges of flour and cookie dough on her face and in her hair. Santana couldn't help but think she looked adorable. And she couldn't stop her hand from reaching out to wipe off a line of flour that was on the girls cheek. Rachel caught Santana's eyes and Santana couldn't quite understand what the intensity in the girls brown eyes meant. And she couldn't quite understand why this need to kiss Rachel was almost overpowering. So much so that she found herself leaning in ever so slightly. And she saw Rachel leaning in too. And just as they were a hairs breadth away from each other, the front door slid open.
"I smell cookies!" Kurt screeched and it took all of Santana's strength not to fling the other brunette out of her lap and onto the kitchen floor. They both scrambled to get away from each other before Kurt could question the position they were in. Santana's face flamed with embarrassment and she wanted to slap herself. She didn't know what had gotten into her.
"Jesus lord what happened to our kitchen?" Kurt asked in amusement and Rachel gave a nervous laugh.
"All is fair in cooking baking and war." Rachel said as her eyes connected with Santana's for the second time. They were questioning and Santana couldn't look away fast enough.
"Well now that gay elf is here, he can help you make your shitty fake cookies." Santana declared and left the kitchen in a hurry. She could faintly hear Kurt ask what crawled up her ass but she didn't have the wit about her to slam him with an insult. She needed to breathe for a second because she had almost just kissed Rachel Berry.
XXX
The phone had rung around 3:00 in the afternoon and Santana was still sat in that same spot at 3:30. They had called to tell Rachel that her results were in and while they couldn't divulge that sort of information to Santana, it still made her really nervous. Kurt and drug dealer Brody had traipsed through their loft all afternoon and into the evening but Santana couldn't release that nervous energy by talking to them because she was the only one that knew. Rachel hadn't told anyone else because she wanted to be sure, so Santana was dealing with the weight of this secret that the two of them had on her own. Not to mention every night for the last two weeks Rachel had curled up in her bed and cried herself to sleep while she held her and that tore Santana apart. She needed to know. So when Rachel came home it all just bubbled out.
"Call them back. They have your results, call them back." Rachel hadn't even have the time to drop her bags before the taller brunette was shoving the phone into her hands. Rachel let out a sigh but dialed the number that Santana was given and waited for it to ring. And it rang. And they answered even though Rachel secretly hoped they wouldn't so she could have one more day to live in ignorance.
They talked a whole lot about things Rachel didn't understand. But there was one thing she did understand and it had her head spinning. It had her short of breath and it had this feeling she couldn't quite put her finger on snaking it's way to the pit of her stomach to coil tightly there. Suddenly she couldn't make sense of anything and she couldn't understand how all of this preparation for her life's path had lead her here. Rachel hung up the phone slowly and Santana couldn't take the suspense anymore but she could tell from the way the other girl's face paled slightly that it couldn't be all that great.
"What it is? What did they say?" Santana pressed but Rachel just stared blankly at her. Santana closed the space between them, hands gently grabbing Rachel's face.
"What did they say Rache?" The reaction Rachel was having told her everything but she still wanted to hear it from her.
"They said-" She paused and blew out her breath, eyes red and watery.
"They said I'm not pregnant." Rachel declared, the words laced in what could only be a sigh of relief and although it would be likely for Rachel to squeal in a situation like this, Santana was the one who was actually doing it. Right before she smacked Rachel.
"You fucking scared me! I thought you were pregnant and doomed!" Santana yelled backing away from the tiny brunette and all Rachel could do was give a watery laugh.
"I'm sorry I was just taking it all in!" Rachel defended before she plopped down on their futon. She suddenly felt very exhausted. Santana took a seat next to her.
"Did they say why the test was positive or why you were late?" Santana asked and Rachel shrugged.
"I really can't tell you I just heard the medical speak of you aren't pregnant and shut everything else out. I guess I should probably go in for a formal lady doctors visit to get that checked though." Rachel babbled and Santana agreed.
"Well I for one think this is a cause for celebration!" Santana yelled with her hands in the air.
"What's a cause for celebration?" Kurt asked as he walked through the front door, tossing his bag down.
"Rachel isn't pregnant!" Santana screeched and Rachel looked mortified.
"WHAT?! When were you pregnant and why wasn't I informed?!" Kurt yelled, the decibels loud enough for small pixies to hear.
"Oops." That's all Santana was able to say before Kurt was flying off on a tangent and making Rachel spill everything.
XXX
The three of them knocked back their celebratory shots of tequila while some amateur crooned on the stage at Callbacks. Kurt had made Rachel tell him everything that happened with the pregnancy over the past few weeks. He was more than affronted that he wasn't the first one to know about all of this before Santana. Rachel explained that in her defense, she hadn't told Santana at all. She snooped. Santana only shrugged and knocked back another shot before venturing out into the cold for a cigarette break. She had been trying to quit but the past week or so had been a hard one and this was her reward. A slight reprieve.
"Thank you." Rachel let out, just above a whisper as she leaned next to the brunette against the brick wall outside the bar. Santana took a long drag from her cigarette before she blew out the smoke and cleared her throat.
"For what?" Santana asked with a smile as she glanced over at Rachel. The girl had a glow about her, she shined, giddy as ever. Santana herself would be fucking giddy if she found out she actually wasn't pregnant either. Rachel rubbed her hands against her arms to fight the chill of the night air. Santana was taking another drag.
"For being there for me. For making everything a lot less scarier than it actually was." Rachel admitted and Santana shrugged, trying to remove some of the heaviness from the situation.
"Like you said, I forced you to tell me. It was only right I stick around." Santana tried to rationalize but Rachel shook her head and pushed herself off the wall to stand in front of Santana.
"Is that really the only reason you stuck around?" Rachel asked sincerely and Santana could smell the alcohol on the girls breath. That only served to remind Santana of how much Rachel was a light weight.
"Pretty much. And like I said, we're friends." Santana said right before she took one last puff from her cigarette and stubbed it out.
"I think you're lying." Rachel pressed and Santana rolled her eyes with a chuckle, huddling into herself for warmth.
"And I think you're drunk. Let's just go back inside." Santana pressed because if she thought this conversation was headed where she thought it was headed, she really did not want to have this conversation. Ever. She stepped around Rachel to head back into the bar but Rachel's hand around her wrist stopped her.
"Come on Santana. That's the only reason? Because we're friends? If I believed that then maybe I wouldn't be pressing this but I don't. Not at all." Rachel said and Santana was quiet.
"You're really gonna tell me that you didn't want to kiss me in the kitchen that day?" Rachel asked and Santana sighed and shut her eyes for a moment, trying to gather her thoughts.
"Because I wanted to kiss you. And I've wanted to every day since then." Rachel confessed and Santana's eyes snapped to the brunettes. She couldn't believe what she was hearing. This couldn't be real.
"Now you're the one that's lying." Santana said as she snatched her arm away from Rachel. Santana started to make her way back to the bar again, but once more Rachel had stopped her in her tracks. This time she stood in front of Santana.
"No I'm not. I-" Rachel let out a frustrated sigh. She didn't even know how to begin to explain this.
"I don't know when and how it happened but it's true. And it's also very confusing but can you at least be honest with me and tell me that the want isn't one sided? That you feel it a little bit too?" Rachel asked, eyes shining and Santana knew she couldn't lie to her. She didn't just feel it a little bit. Some days it was the only thing she could think about. Santana blew out her breath.
"It isn't. But so what? Nothing can ever happen between us." Santana declared and Rachel furrowed her eyebrows in question.
"Why not?" Rachel asked and Santana rolled her eyes.
"Maybe because we live together. And you're dating drug trafficker Ken who also lives with us. And fooling around with flubber. So that's more complicated than I need in my life right now." Santana said and Rachel really wanted to stomp her foot because Santana wasn't seeing things the way she wanted her to see them. Her and Brody weren't even a sure thing and Finn was just that once when she was lonely in Ohio. Santana made her feel safe and wanted which she was already having a hard enough time wrapping her head around because it's Santana. But the past few weeks have made her feel more cared for and at home than she's felt in a while. She couldn't just let that go.
"Well can't we just-" Santana was cutting her off before she could even finish.
"No we can't just Rachel. That's it. We can't do this." Santana said with finality and this time she made her way back to the bar without any interruption from Rachel. Before she got inside though, Santana turned around.
"Besides, we would never work." Santana declared before she disappeared inside the bar while Rachel still stood there in the cold, the sting of tears not unfamiliar to her. She couldn't just let it go right?
XXX
The next few days in the the loft were tense. Rachel and Santana became experts at skating around each other. They still made idle chit chat with one another to keep up friendly pretenses but both of them knew the weight of the words that were said that night. Rachel couldn't stop thinking about the way things played out and she just wanted to talk to Santana about it. Even if only to clear the air and maybe get back to the way things were before. But every time Santana even thought Rachel was going to bring it up, she'd change the subject or flat out tell the other brunette that she was not going to talk about it. And that only made Rachel frustrated.
And on top of that she had to recently deal with the fact that her pretend boyfriend wasn't a drug dealer. No. In fact, he was a male gigolo pimping out his goods to pay for tuition. It wasn't even the fact that he was making a profit off his junk. To each his own. It was the fact that he was sleeping with randoms and didn't have the decency to inform her about it. Hello? STD anyone? She had no choice but to send his sorry ass packing. And she couldn't help but admit the fact that he wasn't in her life anymore only gave her a sigh of relief. Why? Because that whole wanting Santana thing hadn't gone away yet and Rachel was starting to think it wasn't going to.
Rachel had just gotten home from class to find that Santana happened to be there too. She had been having late shifts at the bar down the street that she worked in and if she wasn't doing that, she was making herself as scarce from the apartment as possible. Rachel tossed her bag in her room before she made her way to Santana's. The girl was in bed, glasses perched on her nose and reading a book when Rachel knocked on the wooden panel to make her presence known. Santana looked up and Rachel didn't miss the look of fear that crossed her face.
"Hi Santana." Rachel started but didn't dare move any further into the other girls room.
"Uh hey Rachel. What can I do for you?" Santana replied tentatively, dog earing her page and tossing the book on the bed. Rachel fidgeted for a moment before biting her lip and biting the bullet.
"Santana can we talk?" Rachel asked quietly and Santana rolled her eyes with a sigh.
"If it's about what I think it's about then no we can't. We can talk about anything other than that." Santana declared as she got up from her spot on the bed to make her way out of her room. Rachel blocked the doorway so she couldn't make an escape so easily.
"Santana will you just hold on and let me finish? Jesus Christ!" Rachel exclaimed, the frustration bubbling over.
"I don't want to talk about it." Santana said sternly and Rachel shook her head.
"Then you don't have to talk just fucking listen." Santana was surprised by the frustration that laced the other girls voice so with another sigh, she took a spot on the bed again to listen to what Rachel had to say. To say that she was nervous was an understatement. She had no idea what Rachel was going to say or if the brunette was going to call her out. She admits that avoiding her was an asshole move but she needed to get her head on straight. But even avoiding her still didn't make the feelings go away. It only made her miss the insufferable hobbit more.
"Santana the past few days have driven me completely insane. I don't know what to do with myself anymore. And it's your fault." Rachel began but was abruptly interrupted by Santana.
"Hold up, my fault? How is it my fault?" Santana asked incredulously.
"Because you're stubborn and you won't talk to me about this very real situation of us liking each other! I can't stop thinking about it. I like you and I think I want to try something with you but you can't even talk about it." Rachel babbles out and Santana doesn't know what to say. So she settles for rolling her eyes while folding her arms across her chest.
"I've had a lot of time to think about this, while you've been ignoring me, and I think we owe it to ourselves to see what this could be. I mean at first I thought it was because you helped me when I thought I was pregnant but it's not. I can tell you I have honestly never felt that safe and cared for than when I did with you." Rachel said sincerely as she made her way over to sit across from Santana on her bed.
"I felt butterflies and all that shit just by you holding me and kissing me on the forehead. I mean that's gotta mean something right?" Rachel said and then sighed.
"I know you think we would never work and that may be true because you think I'm annoying and I think you're Satan 80% of the time but I don't think I would be okay with not ever trying with you." Rachel confessed and Santana swallowed thickly. There were so many things she wanted to say but couldn't form any coherent sentences.
"Please say something Santana? I know I said all you had to do was listen but words from you right now would be super." Rachel said and Santana let out a chuckle.
"What if it doesn't work out? We just started being friends and I don't want to ruin that." Santana asked concerned and Rachel shook her head.
"I promise you it won't ruin our friendship. Because even if it doesn't work out I'll never stop being your friend Santana." Rachel replied and Santana nodded her head.
"But what if I can't just be your friend anymore after all this is done?" Santana fired off again and Rachel shrugged.
"Then I think that means there's something there to salvage." Rachel replied. They weren't the concrete solid answers that Santana hoped for but they were good enough for now.
"Please just say yes. Just say you're willing to try." Rachel pleaded as she took the brunettes hands in hers. She searched her eyes for something, for an answer but there was only a sea of emotions swimming around in those brown eyes of hers.
"I'm-" Santana sighed and rubbed her hand across her forehead before looking at Rachel again.
"I'm willing to try." Santana finally let out and Rachel sighed at the confession before she brought the girl into a fierce hug. Rachel pulled away and then trailed her hands up the brunettes neck. Santana's breath hitched when Rachel leaned in just slightly, pulling Santana closer to her. Rachel sighed as their lips pressed together in a soft kiss. One that filled Santana's lungs and left her breathless all at the same time. Their tongues collided and their teeth nipped at the others lips before they broke the kiss, both panting for air.
"That was-wow." Rachel let out breathlessly and Santana gave a chuckle.
"Yeah that was pretty wow." Santana agreed as she stoked the inside of Rachel's wrist as her hands still held on to her neck.
"So now what?" Rachel asked with a smile and Santana returned it.
"I don't know. I could make you dinner and we could watch a movie before I have to leave for work?" Santana supplied and once again Rachel was smiling.
"That sounds perfect." Rachel replied before placing a soft kiss on Santana's lips again. It was then that Rachel and Santana both heard the squeak of surprise.
"Okay what on god's green earth did I miss?!" Kurt squealed as he stood in complete shock in Santana's doorway. Both Rachel and Santana rolled their eyes before they got up from Santana's bed.
"Look, Rachel can tell you all about it while we make dinner." Santana replied before she ducked under Kurt's arm which was meant to block her. Santana could hear gay elf's high pitched babbling and chuckled. She didn't know where this thing with her and Rachel was gonna go. If it would end badly, if it would end well or if they would just go back to being friends. But she couldn't deny she liked kissing the brunette already or that she didn't mind holding her at night. One thing was for sure though. She was willing to try.