Okay so basically I am procrastinating writing my dissertation and this happened in the space of about two hours. My first actually published Star Trek fanfiction, though I have written a fair few that I have as of yet not finished or published.

Set in Endgame, a conversation between Chakotay and Admiral Janeway. References the Venice scene from Distant Shores and some other things from Mosaic that are usually common knowledge but not 100% key to the plot. Explained at the bottom of this chapter.

Hope you enjoy it

Chakotay walked into the silent mess hall, hoping for a moment of contemplation before what was bound to be a great battle. He had learned the hard way to never underestimate the Borg, and what they were about to do seemed on the surface to be a ridiculous and reckless task. But, as always, Chakotay knew that there was far more to it. He knew that even if they failed in their attempt to get home using the transwarp hub, if they could somehow cripple the Borg in the process then it would be a price worth paying for the greater good. He agreed with the Captain's decisions and understood her motives, yet he did question those of the admiral. There were things she had told the Captain, he knew, and these were things Kathryn would not share with him. He both wondered and feared what she knew that was powerful enough to sway the Captain's initial decision to take a path that did not place them in the way of the Borg.

He was about to walk over to the replicator when he caught sight of a shadow moving before the window. At first he was cautious, his breath catching at the sight of a mysterious figure, but as she moved into the light his anxiety lessened and was replaced with something far more complicated.

'I'm sorry, I didn't mean to disturb you.'

She held up her hand and waved him off in a move that was so like Kathryn, his Kathryn, that it gave him chills.

'No need to be sorry, this isn't my ship,' she said frankly, moving a few steps towards him and stopping to leave a distance between them, as though she had remembered something and decided to hold back. 'I just needed a moment to clear my head before…well before I change history.'

'Have you not already done that by being here?' Chakotay reminded her. The admiral nodded, smiling sadly.

'Yes, I suppose I have.'

Silence hung between them for a moment, despite the fact that both had a hundred questions burning in their chest for the other. Chakotay decided to break the ice and move towards the replicator.

'The Captain said you favour tea nowadays,' Chakotay started, 'can I offer you a cup?'

'I think I might stick to the old classic,' she answered lightly. 'If we're about to face the Borg I'll need all of the caffeine I can get.'

He chuckled, replicating her a black coffee and closing the space between them to hand it to her. She accepted it gratefully, clearly relishing her once favourite beverage as silence fell once more.

'I wish I could ask you everything I wanted to,' Chakotay said eventually.

'You can,' the Admiral told him honestly, 'but I don't know what you would do with the answers. Everything has changed now, and will change from this point on regardless of the outcome. It is likely that any information I have about your future will no longer apply.'

Nodding thoughtfully, Chakotay sipped his tea.

'I shouldn't be here, I know that,' the Admiral said quietly. 'It's selfish. I didn't mean it to be, but the Captain's reaction has made me realise that it is. I have no right to decide how the future should pan out, I'm no deity.'

'Then why don't you go? Leave us back on the path we are meant to take?' asked Chakotay. The Admiral looked up and smiled at him, but her eyes glistened with tears. He saw then the depth of the pain that lay there; the unbridled despair that couldn't be veiled behind the mask that he knew Kathryn always wore. It hit him squarely in the chest, and made him want to take her in his arms and ease her burden. He had to remind himself again that this wasn't his is Kathryn. He didn't know what this woman had been through, what had turned her away from the moral obligations of command and onto this almost rebellious path. But when he looked into her eyes, he knew she had her reasons. And he expected that if he heard them, then he wouldn't be in the least surprised that she had come back to change things.

'I can't go back,' she said quietly. 'I…I can't. I'm not strong enough to accept that my future is the only one possible for this crew. I have to believe there is something more.'

'If this doesn't work then we'll have no future,' he reminded her.

'It will,' the Admiral answered stubbornly, wiping her eyes, 'it has to. I didn't plan on my younger self being quite so righteous, but then again I'd practically forgotten who I was back then, back now…'

She shook her head, looking down into her coffee.

'I made so many mistakes. I ruined the lives of everyone on this ship the moment I destroyed the array.'

'Then why not go back? Save Voyager from ever being lost in the first place?'

'Temporal mechanics,' she grinned, the same lop sided smile he saw in Kathryn; though he saw it far less nowadays. 'If I stopped Voyager leaving, then what of you and the Maquis? I would have fought and probably died in the Dominion War alongside my crew, yours would have been adrift had you survived the confrontation with the Kazon and Ocampa would have been at their mercy. We had to come to the Delta Quadrant, it was inevitable. I studied every point I could think of, Voyager's entire history. This is the best shot we ever had of getting home, before we did, and it is the only chance to save-'

The Admiral paled, stopping herself. 'I've said too much.'

'We lose people, from here on out?' Chakotay guessed. The Admiral nodded slowly.

'The next few years are some of the most difficult I have ever encountered,' she explained darkly, not quite meeting his eyes. 'Even when we get home, the cost of having been gone too long was great. People suffered, died, never got to see their families again before they passed away. I couldn't bear it. I couldn't bear the weight of that suffering. So yes, it was selfish to come back. But I have to hope that my selfishness can make way for a better life for everyone aboard this ship. I'll pay the price, but you shouldn't have to.'

Chakotay's brow creased at her words, before a sudden realisation set in.

'You don't intend to survive this.'

'No,' the Admiral admitted at once, 'I've accepted that, ever since I decided to come back here. It's the only way to ensure your safe passage, and to take responsibility for the consequences of my actions. Besides, there could never be two Janeways in one universe. There's not enough coffee.'

Beneath her smile he saw both her fear and her resignation. He didn't know what to say. He knew Kathryn well enough to know that her tendency for self-sacrifice had brought her close to this a fair few times before, and that once she set her mind to this then it was difficult to bring her back. With this version of her, he sensed nothing would.

'Can I ask you something?'

Chakotay hesitated for a moment concerned what she could possibly want from him, but the knowledge that she was about to sacrifice herself to give them the chance of a better life even if it was for her own peace of mind weighed heavily with him.

'Anything.'

'You're with Seven of Nine by now, yes?'

He was surprised for a moment that she knew, given that he hadn't yet brought it up with his Kathryn, but quickly realised that of course she did. A million things rang through his mind at that moment; if she knew, did that mean they stayed together? Or did the question mean that at some point they split up and he moved on to someone else? It took a while for him to swallow these questions down and answer simply.

'Yes.'

The Admiral nodded, her fingers wrapping protectively around the cup.

'I know that I have no right to ask this,' she said, more to herself than to him, 'and I mean it breaks every rule in the book, not that I haven't already…'

Chakotay reached to her and put his hand on her arm, sensing her anxiety. She stiffened at the touch, her fearful eyes looking up to meet his and shining in a way he had never seen before.

'It's okay,' he reassured her, 'you can ask me.'

The Admiral took a shuddering breath, composing herself.

'I know everything that has happened with you and my younger self up to this point,' she tried to explain. 'Everything before now is identical, untarnished in both of our memories. So I remember New Earth, Quarra and…and even Venice exactly as you do.'

Venice. They hadn't spoken about Venice at all since it happened, they didn't need to. They had both decided that it should be left, until their current predicament no longer became an obstacle.

'Go on.'

'I know you're with Seven,' she acknowledged, 'I know that. And I probably know more than you do at this point about how you feel and how happy you are, or at least how you're going to be. But I have to admit that this selfish part of me always wondered and never got the chance to ask. Do you ever think, if things had worked out differently, about what might have been?'

Chakotay felt his throat go dry. She looked so vulnerable in that moment, frail beyond her greying hair and lined face. He knew that he owed her an answer, and a truthful one, but thinking of that would mean bringing up everything he had spent the past year or so trying to bury. Kathryn, his Kathryn, never had to know. It wouldn't change things between them. Maybe this was good for him too, to finally get to tell her the truth without having to live with the consequences. Considering his words carefully he decided to speak from the heart.

'On New Earth, when I had accepted that we would be there forever and had started getting to know you better, I think I knew that we had gone beyond a simple comradeship. I considered you a friend, and as time went on I couldn't help but wonder what could happen. When I told you that legend I meant it, every word, and part of me wanted to change the ending and tell you then.'

'Tell me what?' the Admiral breathed.

'That I was falling for you.'

There. He'd said it. There was no going back now. He took a deep breath and carried on.

'I have to admit I was disappointed at first when Voyager came for us, because I felt as though we were on the verge of something that we never had the chance to explore. Going back to normal life was hard, but I suspect it would have been worse had things ventured further. So I accepted it. But from then on I swore that I would be there for you whenever you needed me, even if you didn't think you did, and I would be by your side in whatever way you would let me. And then Venice happened.'

He remembered the day perfectly, as he suspected the Admiral did. The gift she had given him for his birthday, a representation of love carved in the symbols of his tribe, and a misunderstanding that had finally led to them talking about what could never be.

'When you told me about Justin, about why we couldn't be together on Voyager I understood,' Chakotay continued, 'of course I did. But I cannot say that it didn't break my heart. I hadn't let myself consider anything like that until then, and when I thought that maybe you were suggesting something more than friendship I let hope run away with me.'

'I'm so sorry Chakotay,' the Admiral said, her voice cracking like ice.

'Don't be,' he assured her. 'That hope was the most amazing thing, and even though I realised that it couldn't be it made me confront my own feelings. It made me be honest with myself, for the first time since New Earth. And it made me try and accept that friendship was all I could ever have with you; it made me move on.'

'You have no idea how much it hurt me to tell you that we couldn't be together,' the Admiral admitted, a single tear breaking free and falling gracefully down her cheek. 'I thought the pain of it would kill me. I can't think how long it took for me to get over it; I don't know if I ever really did.'

That admission almost shocked Chakotay, and he wondered how far the Captain would agree with her.

'I have thought about it, whether we could have worked. Away from Voyager I wouldn't hesitate to say yes in an instant. But on the ship…I think it would have caused you too much conflict. Even if we were working perfectly together, there would always be decisions where you would question yourself and your motives because of me. You are too hard on yourself even without this added weight to bear, and I don't know if I could stand to see you in that much distress.'

'You're probably right,' Kathryn agreed, wiping her cheek.

She took his hand and squeezed it gently, brushing her thumb across the back of his hand.

'Thank you,' she whispered, smiling genuinely for what seemed like the first time.

'Did you ever find someone?' he blurted out. Her smile faded a little.

'No. Not in the Delta Quadrant, and not when we were home. There were always people who needed me more, others to worry about and things to do. I never even came close.'

'I'm sorry.'

'Don't be,' she insisted. 'My life for the past few years has been devoted to erasing myself from existence. Hopefully soon there will be nothing to feel sorry for.'

She squeezed his hand again and let it fall from hers.

'I should go. The Captain wanted to go over the plan one more time.'

She turned to go, but before she reached the door she turned back. 'I'm so glad I got to talk to you again, my old friend.'

As she left and Chakotay tried to sort through everything that he was feeling, one thing seemed certain to him. He was not a part of the future the Admiral had come from. He was one she had lost along the way. Although the thought was odd, he was not as disturbed by this notion as he might once have been. After all the Admiral's future was almost certainly gone if not in flux, waiting to be erased as they headed for the conduit. No, what worried him more was the pain he had seen in her eyes she no longer tried to hide and how much of it his Kathryn was already bearing behind closed doors. What he had with Seven was new, but it was the first time he had felt like there was something to be explored on a deeper level since, well, Kathryn. He didn't want to put it in jeopardy because of what the Admiral had told him, and he her. But at the same time it was impossible to ignore it completely. Everything he had said had been the truth. He had loved her; he still did in a way. But the Admiral's judgement was clouded by her experiences, that much was clear. He couldn't let it mar the relationship he had with Kathryn now, who probably didn't think the same way.

With a promise to consult his spirit guide later, he left the mess hall into the unknown.

Not sure whether to leave it there or carry on, it seems to fit as a one shot but I have always wanted to try an Endgame Fixer. Let me know what you think!

For those who haven't read any of the additional material this is an overview of what is referenced in this fic

Venice - From the short story. Somewhere in season 5, J gave C a birthday present that he thought meant she loved him but it was just supposed to mean friendship. Basically they kissed, on the holodeck in Venice, and it was beautiful but they had to have a talk about their relationship and how it couldn't happen while they were on board and they agreed to be friends thereafter, but with a sort of unspoken promise that they knew how they felt.

Justin - Justin Tighe, Kathryn's first fiancé and first love who died with her father on Tau Ceti Prime when she was maybe 25/26. A reminder of her past and her ability to love, basically.