I was once a mermaid who loved the sun
.
.
I wasn't a very clever mermaid.
.
They say I should have known better
I think it's better to have never known
.
What happened?
.
.
I met you
That's what happened
.
.
.
They say my mother was the night-
Unseen, unheard
Coming, going, leaving
Me
.
Yes, I am midnight's daughter
I am shadow
.
.
I was a mermaid
I was a little girl
.
.
And then there was you
.
.
.
.
.
You came
Child of the whirlwind
You
With your termite eyes
With your diced-star teeth
Hauling the universe in with a braid
Of thickest darkness
.
You whose antics could never leave a sea fan
Uncrooked
For you bent them with the weight of the world
That hovers around you
In chirping noises
.
If I used your hair, I asked
Could I catch Mother's face
Or Father's or Brothers' or Friends' faces?
.
You laughed
.
You told me your heart had crawled away
Unbleeding
You promised the corals would dance
If I would sing
.
So I did
.
.
I sang the oysters and the crabs
I sang the sharks
I sang jellyfish
And the tiniest gobies
.
One day, I sang the sun
You hated that
The moon, you screamed, the moon!
.
So I sang the moon
And someone heard me
.
.
Tell you a secret
I didn't want the corals or the sun or the moon
I didn't want pearls or sea flowers or starfish
.
.
A song is a heart seeking...
Did you know that?
.
.
All I wanted was to hear you
Calling
Me
.
.
OLD HAG
.
.
Say it again, please?
Just one more time?
.
.
.
.
.
I was a mermaid
I was a little girl
.
.
And then I saw you
.
.
.
.
.
You
With your elephant's tusk palace
With your floating island shaped like a whale's belly
With eight warriors in the vanguard
.
You with hair that drips of plums
Staining
Everywhere, everywhere, everywhere
And me
.
.
Did you ever know
I was once a little girl
Cradled by her mother-
Her crushed-eggshells-and-cochineal-faced mother?
.
.
Maybe that's it
You knew, didn't you?
.
.
.
The night you fell overboard
I was fighting
.
.
The greedy waves sought chunks of my tail
Digging, gouging, one scale each
.
They roared
Ferocious
I growled back
.
I battled the sea
To save you
I would drink it up
I would eat it
I would
.
And you saw that
And you smiled-
Cruel
As the foam-dashed cliffs
Where pebbled rocks beat into barebones shore
Taking, taking, more and-
No more
.
You ripped off my scales one by one by one
Calling it a gift
You claimed it was to save me
From the sea
From the sea?
Ha!
.
.
Now I know legs
I also know lost
.
It's with bile I remember the way
You called me
PRINCESS
.
.
.
.
I am not a mermaid
I am not a little girl
.
Not anymore
.
.
.
But
.
.
.
Then
.
.
.
.
.
You saw me
.
.
You
Mirror of sunshine
You with a smile blessed by fireflies
With a flock of lemon-cheese swans on your head
And candle eyes
.
You saw me
With jelly legs
With pincushion feet
With tearless eyelids
(Because crying would have been easier)
Wafting through the ether
Dead and undead
This air sprite born of sea foam
And wrong choices
.
You reached for beams of light
And sculpted them into flowers
And gave them to me
My translucent soul flickered stronger
Stronger
Until I saw myself
.
I told you the sun bleeds
You reminded me dawn had not yet been ripped apart
.
You called me
Kougyoku
.
.
.
.
.
No longer the mermaid
No trace of the little girl
I am Kougyoku.