Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, All rights belong to J. K. Rowling.
AN: So this a Flamboyant Gay Harry, The story will follow HP series plot with a Flamboyant Harry spin on it and my own spin on is fic is the first instalment/ book one of the HP before I get reviews saying but Harry is eleven in the philosopher's stone how does he know if he is gay? This a parody, this is not supposed to be taken seriously.
Chapter one: Harry's words of wisdom and a trip to the zoo.
Harry Potter sat in his bedroom, the cupboard under the stairs, painting his fingernails. Nearly being eleven, made the cupboard quite the squeeze to sit in. He'd asked to move into his cousin's second bedroom more times than he'd applied lip gloss, and that was a lot.
Harry had almost finished doing his nails when his aunt shouted "Boy! Get up now!""I'm already up and would appreciate it if you didn't shout, you know I get awful headaches," Harry told his aunt glaring through the door, "Also where is my pink scarf, it isn't in my cupboard.
What have you done with it!?""I haven't done anything with it. Now get out here and cook breakfast and don't you dare burn it! I want everything perfect for Dudley's birthday," Petunia hissed through the door.
Harry let out a silent "Oh My God," he had totally forgotten about the mini whale's birthday.
Well, if it was Dudley birthday, the least he do could was dress fabulous for the chose his favourite T-shirt, it was a hybrid shirt made from pieces of his cousin's and his aunt's old shirt's. Which had oddly turned out brilliantly once he'd sewn it all together, jean shorts and the belt that took two weeks for him to glam' up, got dressed and made his way to the kitchen.
"Couldn't you at least try to dress like a normal boy instead of a fairy," Vernon Dursley grumbled the moment his nephew walked into the kitchen.
Harry rolled his eyes and replied: "You say the sweetest things to me Uncle Vernon, what would I do without you."
Harry cooked breakfast without burning anything or getting anything on his clothes. Dudley was half way through his breakfast when Harry decided to give him his present, Harry's words of wisdom."Dudley, now you're eleven I think it's time I gave you the talk. Now, as you get older all the boys are going to whisper sweet nothings in your ear to get you into bed, but don't let those brutes sweet talk you into anything."
"Petunia, take Dudley to open his presents. Boy! You stay here," Vernon said, his face red. Harry watched his aunt and cousin walk away, while his uncle glared at him.
"You listen here, my son is not fairy and I will not have you imply that he, is. Now I reluctantly accept that you're fairy freak, but my son isn't," Vernon said, his voice harsh and quiet.
"I hate to tell you this, but if Dudley likes boys it will not be down to me. I don't care whether he does, so let's ask him!" Harry suggested, with a mischievous twinkle in his eyes.
Vernon Dursley was stopped from saying anything by the phone ringing and his wife's hurried footsteps to answer it.
Petunia walked and, glaring at Harry, barked: "Boy! Go pick up the wrapping paper from Dudley's present," Harry winked at his aunt Petunia, "I'll just leave you two lovebirds alone, I just got a really bad mental image of you two. Yucky!"
Harry entered the living room to find Dudley sulking and wrapping paper strewn across the floor. Dudley's presents were scattered around the room, laying there abandoned already by his cousin.
"Why so glum sweetie? Is it because you tried thinking again? Because I have told you time and time again that it'll give you a headache," Harry said to his glaring cousin. Glares from the Dursley family no longer affected Harry in the slightest. They'd been shooting glares at him for as long as could remember.
"I have' less presents than last year," Dudley whined. Harry rolled his eyes, he'd never received a present in his life; everything that he had, was made from the Dursleys old things, his nail polish and lip gloss were gifts that his aunt Petunia had gotten, then thrown in the bin. He always waited until the Dursleys were engrossed in watching television, then sneaked off to take them out of the bin.
"That is like the saddest thing I ever heard. I might start crying any minute," Harry said, sarcasm lacing his every word. Dudley looked puzzled and scratched his head."But you're smiling!" he cried, utterly confused.
Harry was about to explain the concept of sarcasm to his cousin, when his aunt and uncle walked in looking like the greatest tragedy had just befallen first Harry was genuinely worried that something bad had happened, until his aunt revealed that he'd have to go to the zoo with them because Mrs. Figg couldn't look after him.
Harry's heart did a flip until he realised that meant he'd be stuck with the Dursleys all day, and Dudley's friend, Piers Pollkiss. Piers looked like a scrawny rat that had been stung by a wasp, he was a member Dudley's gang.
The whole gang were idiots, but Dudley and Piers were the stupidest of the lot. Piers liked to tease Harry about everything, most of all that he'd grown his black hair down to his shoulders. His aunt cut his hair all the time, but, oddly, the next day it had always grown back the way it was before it was cut. Harry didn't know why or how his hair grew back, but he had the feeling his aunt did know.
Piers often commented on the odd shape of the scar on Harry's forehead, in the shape of a lightning bolt. Harry had tried countless times to remember how he'd gotten it, but all he could remember was a flash of green light. Harry sort of liked his scar, because it was a connection to his parents, it was something he had before he'd been dumped on the Dursleys.
Piers' mother dropped him off thirty minutes late, and Harry enjoyed watching his aunt Petunia struggle to smile sweetly, when inside he knew she was clearly fighting the urge to lecture the woman on being on time.
"All right Dudley? Hey! It's the little scar fairy," came Piers' usual greeting the moment he was out of his mother's earshot.
"Each time I see you, I swear your intelligence decreases by the second," Harry replied, smiling sweetly and winked at Piers because he knew it would make him uncomfortable.
"Boys, we have got to go we're running behind as it," Petunia called from the door step as soon as Mrs. Pollkiss was they were all walking to the car Harry heard Piers tell his aunt Petunia she looked wonderful, and Harry let out a snort of amusement.
His aunt Petunia looked like she had gotten dressed in a dark room, her fashion sense was appalling, and her constant frowning made her look like a cold faced fish. Her personality wasn't much better.
Harry was stuck, seated in between Dudley and Piers in the car, he couldn't help himself, and said: "In between two guys, I'm living the dream honeys." If looks could kill, the look his uncle gave him would've had him dropping down dead right there.
Harry decided that he should keep his mouth closed for a while, which worked okay for a while until his Uncle Vernon started going on about motorbikes and he brought it up that he'd dreamt about a flying motorbike.
While Dudley and Piers sniggered at Harry, his Uncle Vernon shouted: "MOTORBIKES DO NOT FLY!"Both Dudley and Piers seemed taken back by Vernon's reaction, but Harry was used to his aunt or uncle freaking out over the slightest thing that seemed unnatural. "Alright, it was only a dream. There is no need to get your panties in a twist. I also had one about four guys with six packs to die for, and when I was rudely awoken, I didn't throw a hissy fit about it. Which I should have because those guys were gorgeous," Harry said.
"Boy, shut it!," Vernon raised his eyebrow and was about to give a lecture on a thing called manners, but then remembered that trying to teach manners to a Dursley, was like trying to teach a goldfish algebra.
So he sat down and went with his earlier plan of keeping his mouth zipped. He didn't say anything when they got to the zoo and Dudley started whinging before they'd even gone in. He didn't say anything when he saw Dudley and Piers winding up the animals in the different enclosures even though he wanted to tell the two morons to "Stop already!" In fact he didn't say anything until his aunt handed him a cheap lemon ice lolly, that she'd been forced to buy because she and Vernon hadn't been able to hurry him away from the ice cream van quick enough after buying Piers and Dudley large chocolate ice creams.
The woman at the van kept throwing them funny looks, so they brought him the cheapest thing said: "Thank-you," and he began to think maybe the day wouldn't be that bad. Later he would curse himself for thinking such a thing.
Everything went fine during lunch, the Dursleys even forked out for lunch for Harry as well, which was a first. Every time Harry had been allowed to go out with the Dursleys as a family, they'd always managed to avoid having to buy him anything. His Uncle didn't even make fuss at him when the waitress who brought the food over commented negatively on Harry's nails.
It all went wrong when they went to look at snakes. Dudley and Piers were beginning to get restless and bored by that point, which for Harry always meant pain and suffering.
Dudley went around thumping on the glass of the tanks and the snakes didn't budge, not even a little, so he did what he always did; went moaning to his dad.
Harry wandered off, over to a tank containing a boa constrictor. He was staring at the snake, when it did the oddest thing. It winked at him."I understand why you didn't move, I wouldn't if some brute went bashing on where I was living. Oh, wait a minute they do," Harry laughed bitterly, the snake gave him a sympathetic look.
"Where does such a beautiful creature like you come from?," Harry asked quietly, he didn't want to draw attention to himself.
The Snake looked at a sign saying Brazil, "I've learnt about Brazil in school, do you miss living there?."The snake pointed to a sign saying bred in captivity."So you've never been there, that's sad, it's where you're supposed to be."The snake nodded agreement, but then both he and Harry jumped out of their skin, startled by Piers shouting: "DUDLEY! MR. DURSLEY! COME AND LOOK AT THIS SNAKE! YOU WON'T BELIEVE WHAT IT'S DOING".
Dudley rushed over as quickly as his chubby legs could go, he waddled and it reminded Harry of ducks: "Move it Nancy boy," Dudley said, shoving Harry to the floor. Harry didn't know how it happened, but one minute Piers and Dudley were pressing their noses against the glass and the next the glass had vanished. And the snake was loose, and Harry could've sworn it hissed: "Thanksss, ssee you around sssome time."Harry watched the snake slither away, as Piers and Dudley wailed, while his aunt Petunia screamed hysterically.
His uncle Vernon had gone pale, the man who liked to play the big man was silent in adrenaline seemed to snap people out their daze of missing glass and a snake being loose, fuelling them towards the exits. Harry followed, not out of fear, but that hopefully nobody would suspect it was his fault.
Harry didn't know how it was working, only that it was, and it seemed his plan to blend in with crowd worked until he got to the Dursleys car and Piers opened his big mouth."Harry was talking to the snake, weren't you Harry?" Piers said slyly, Harry knew he'd said it knowing it'd get him into trouble.
Harry knew right then and there, by the look on his uncle Vernon's face, he was in a world of trouble.
The car journey was ridden in silence, and even when Piers was dropped off nobody said a word. Harry spent the whole journey planning what he wanted to be buried in, he was going to make it his last request before Vernon killed him.
The moment they got into the house Uncle Vernon exploded "Cupboard, go now!" Vernon barely got the words out he was so angry.
Harry was smart enough not to argue, he knew that he'd be spending a lot of time in the cupboard in the upcoming weeks and meals would be a rare treat.
As he lay in the cupboard he couldn't help, but wish things were different for him. He'd given up hoping for things to be different, or for someone to take him away from all of it, but he wasn't ready to let go of wishing that someone, anyone, would take him to this amazing new world.
As he nuzzled his head into a teddy unicorn, he let his mind drift to a new world far away from the Dursleys.
AN: If anyone is interested in betaing this please PM me.