This fic was written as a dedication to my father who took his own life 9 years ago on January 3rd, 2001. My life was forever changed but the memory of his life and the life we lived together will forever be with me.
Please understand that although I have changed a bit in portrayal of the character in this story and to tell her story, this is very close to my heart and very personal to me. Do not flame me over this sort of thing. I used my story as a canvass to release the very painful emotions I deal with every year while also developing a much clearer picture of the bond between my protagonist and John Kramer.
Reviews of course are always welcome. Thank you.
Michelle sat outside in the mild spring weather, every now and then being greeted by a mist from spring showers passing overhead. The wooden bench in the park was the closest she could get to attaining personal space and time - not too far away which would prevent any worry and unnecessary searching. The hood to the cloak was over her head as it drooped a bit, in her hands a tattered and worn photo that she managed to relinquish from her apartment and keep to herself. She just needed a few minutes, just a little bit of time to think, collect her thoughts, let it all out, and start breathing again. The photo was of her and her father in a happier time, a time when all the love and devotion she had for the most important man in her life was expressed freely and openly and vice versa. Her care-free smile as a child had faded over time as she grew up but more importantly as she was forced to grow up much quicker then she had originally anticipated. It had been 9 years to the day it all happened…
White walls surround us, no light will touch your face again. Rain taps the window as we sleep among the dead. Days go on forever but I have not left your side. We can chase the dark together, if you go then so will I. There is nothing left of you I can see it in your eyes. Sing the anthem of the angels and say the last goodbye.
Over time her father's jovial nature changed dramatically and even he wasn't able to smile in front of the daughter that would have given anything just to see him happy. He was struggling through the reality of his own life, drinking the pain away till he passed out and then spending the next day using any form of monetary comfort he could find. He drifted so far away that she was a shadow in the background of his life, forever clawing and fighting to stay by his side just so he knew how much she truly loved him.
Then the fighting started, the hurt, the pain, and the tears. She didn't recognize the man who she swore could fight all her demons not so long ago - he was a shell of that very man who vowed to protect her against all odds. Now she was fighting to protect their very relationship that crumbled around her feet. Less and less time was spent enjoying the simpler things in life together and she spent more time in tears, trying to understand what went wrong. She held tightly with bloodied fingers in a desperate attempt to save what life remained in their severed bond.
Cold light above us, hope fills the heart and fades away. Skin white as winter as the sky returns to grey. Days go on forever but I have not left your side. We can chase the dark together, if you go then so will I. There is nothing left of you I can see it in your eyes. Sing the anthem of the angels and say the last goodbye. I keep holding on to you but I can't bring you back to life. Sing the anthem of the angels and say the last goodbye.
As quickly as their lives started, it ended in the blink of an eye. She remembered the sound of the gun and her screaming. She remembered the salty taste of tears and the agonized beating of her heart as it took it's final breath and died that very night in the hospital. She couldn't even convince him that her presence in his life was enough to keep breathing - his world had tumbled around him. In a frenzied state of mind not his own he made the brash and final decision of his life with a pistol leaving in his wake a destroyed daughter who would sink so deep into depression her life would turn upside down. Life without him was no life at all, it was empty and meaningless no matter how many times she tried to convince herself of it otherwise.
You're dead alive. You're dead alive. You're dead alive. You're dead alive.
The eulogy she wrote to him was the hardest thing she ever had to read in her life and with tear stained cheeks from days of crying herself to sleep, she swallowed what sorrow remained just to tell him how much he meant to her. She left his body with what little she could offer to him at this point - a letter and a picture with the simple statement of "I love you". She wanted to believe in his presence in her life still but the heartache was too much to handle and her world started to shatter into a million pieces within weeks.
I have nothing left to give, I have found the perfect end. You were made to make it hurt
Disappear into the dirt, carry me to heaven's arm, light the way and let me go. Take the time to take my breath, I will end where I began. And I will find the enemy within
Cause I can feel it crawl beneath my skin. Dear agony just let go of me, suffer slowly. Is this the way it's gotta be? Dear agony…
Tears ran down her cheeks as she continued to sort out the thoughts and memories that burdened her life so painfully like that night a couple months after her father's untimely death. The sensation of the blade against her wrist was maddening, the hysterical sobbing unable to be stopped as thoughts swirled of how painful it was to live this way. He had destroyed her world with the loss of his own life and if she did this would she be any better? Who would she destroy in her wake? Her friends and her family would pay the price for her death, especially her mother. She would end up dropping the knife and burying her face into her hands in a desperate attempt to silence the pain of her heart in the wake of her emotional fall.
Suddenly the lights go out, let forever drag me down. I will fight for one last breath, I will fight until the end. And I will find the enemy within cause I can feel it crawl beneath my skin. Dear agony just let go of me, suffer slowly. Is this the way it's gotta be? Don't bury me faceless enemy. I'm so sorry, is this the way it's gotta be? Dear agony…
The second attempt would come shortly afterwards, once again the thoughts of destroying the lives of those who loved her most would stop her agonizing decision but leave her painfully frustrated that no end to the pain was in sight. She would use anger to express her sorrow, shoving everyone away that ever cared for her, isolating herself within a world of darkness and helplessness. Her mother would put her into therapy where the only thing that could ease the pain were anti-depressants as the constant memories refused to go away. Forgetting completely wasn't her desire, just to stop agonizing over the painful decision her father made without thinking about what it would do to her and everyone else who loved him.
Leave me alone, God let me go. I'm blue and cold, black sky will burn. Love pull me down, hate lift me up. Just turn around, there's nothing left. Somewhere far beyond this world I feel nothing anymore…
It would be a few years afterwards that the Jigsaw killer would awaken the painful emotions if only to allow them to finally be set free. He never let her suffer alone anymore, he forced her to face the pain directly. There was many moments where she hated everything he did and he would simply love her for every scar she carried with her - both physical and metaphorically speaking. Many nights he would push till she broke down and cried, sometimes for hours at a time within the arms of what once was a complete stranger that showed more devotion and compassion to her then even the closest family.
She brought a hand up and wiped the tears from her cheek, sniffling before bringing the picture up to her lips and kissing it lightly. "I love you daddy." She stuck the picture back into her pocket after carefully folding it and rose from the bench, heading back to the lair to check on John who had been struggling through his cancer quite painfully as of lately. The walk home was short and in no time she found herself at the door, pushing it open before locking it behind her. Amanda and Hoffman were gone at the moment so she made her way past he plastic flaps, peering in at John lying on the hospital bed. She shrugged the cloak off and draped it over the back of the chair at his desk, stepping up to his bed and leaning over him to check the heart rate monitor that beeped steadily along with the beating of his heart. His complexion was much more pale then it had been when she first got here and her concern grew. She frowned a bit when he lay there asleep without responding and sat down in the chair next to the bed, bringing a hand up and running in through her hair, her face twisting as she fought back the barrage of tears threatening to break through her tough exterior.
"Michelle. Come here." she picked her head up to the sound of his voice and stood up as he extended his hand, taking it into her own and clasping the other hand overtop, rubbing the top of his hand with her thumb. John smiled and opened his eyes, looking over at her and reaching over with his other hand to her cheek, catching the single tear that trickled down it. "What's wrong?"
"Nothing. I'm fine. How are you?" she smiled as he chuckled a bit, nodding his head at her response.
"Never better. I had a question for you. We both know my time is…getting shorter." He felt her grip on his hand tighten and watched her drop her head for a moment. "Listen to me." he wanted her to look him in the eyes and she did as he requested, finally getting a hold of herself. "I hear you sing every now and then when you listen to your music and work. I was wondering…could you sing for me?"
"You…want me to sing for you?"
"Yes. Something meaningful that has symbolism for you like the other songs I've heard you sing when you think about your mother and your father." He saw the shocked expression cross her face as she realized he had heard her sing songs that helped ease her pain over her parents from time to time. "Can you think of any?"
She thought for a few moments before nodding her head, pulling the chair closer to the bed and sitting down in it. She put his hand down on the bed and placed her hand on his forearm, looking down at the floor as she started:
Search for the answers I knew all along. I lost myself, we all fall down. Never the wiser of what I've become. Alone I stand a broken woman. All I have is one last chance. I won't turn my back on you. Take my hand, drag me down. If you fall then I will too. And I can't save what's left of you. Sing something new, I have nothing left. I can't face the dark without you. There's nothing left to lose, the fighting never ends. I can't face the dark without you.
He watched her intently, enjoying the sound of her voice but watching her shake a bit nervously as she sang. Not only did it seem she was singing about herself but also singing about him and how she felt.
Swallow me under and pull me apart. I understand, there's nothing left. Pain so familiar and close to the heart. No more, no less I won't forget. Come back down, save yourself. I can't find my way to you. And I can't bare to face the truth…
She reached over and grabbed his hand and as he squeezed she squeezed back in response. It was true, she couldn't face the truth that for the first time with him she finally felt loved again by someone, cared for. She felt her father in John in many ways.
I wanted to forgive. I'm trying to forget. Don't leave me here again. I am with you, forever, the end. Sing something new, I have nothing left. I can't face the dark without you. There's nothing left to lose, the fighting never ends. I can't face the dark without you. Holding the hand that holds me down. I forgive you, forget you, the end.
With the last part of her song John reached over, placing his other hand on top of the one she had resting on his own, feeling her shake and able to see the tears running down her cheeks. "I've lost so much…" her words came out shaky and she struggled to even speak them as John managed to push himself up into a sitting position and pulled his hand away from her own, placing it under her chin.
"Listen to me. I'm not leaving you. I will always be with you. You mean everything to me." When she looked up at him he smiled even though the pain, using a finger to brush the tears away.
"I should thank you…"
"No. You shouldn't. I only want one thing from you." She used her free hand to brush the tears away from the other cheek and looked at him curiously as he laid back down, motioning for her to stand up. He took hold of her hand tightly and brought it to his chest where she could feel his heartbeat, closing his eyes before turning his head and pulling her close so their faces were inches away. "Just love me as I do you." He squeezed her hand, feeling her reciprocate before she forced a smile past her agony and nodded her head, bringing her forehead down to rest against his cheek, John closing his eyes and drifting back off to sleep knowing that the young woman by his bed side caring for him would be there till the bitter end.