A/N: If you have read my 'first' story, then you know that it came about as a result of writing another story about Castle. This isn't the original story that I wrote, but it's one that I thought of after I started working on Reasons and listening to the wonderfulness of The Civil War's song Dust to Dust. The song is absolutely beautiful and dramatic and haunting and there were pieces of the song that I felt resonated with Beckett. I encourage you to take a listen, if not the whole album then at least the song. This is way more angsty then what I'm used to but I really wanted to share this with you guys. Please read and review :)
Disclaimer: I don't own Castle
He knew she had walls long before she told him. If he was honest with himself, he knew the second he profiled her on their first case. He probably thought that at first, the wall that she had constructed had a loose foundation. It wasn't made of straw but his hope was that it was made out of sticks and he was just the big bad wolf to blow it down. When he looked into her eyes, he noticed, and even expected, the aggravation and the anger with having to deal with him. He knew those looks well especially with Meredith and Gina. But that was at the surface. Looking deeper he could see the sadness teasing along the edges waiting for its moment to strike. To hit her when she's the most vulnerable. Yeah she hides it well, that's for sure. As soon as he profiled her, he noticed the change. Like the clouds passing by the sun, her demeanor darkened. But as soon as it began, it ended. She brought herself back to the present and back to the task at hand.
"I think I found it. " She says to you as she shows him the drawing of the crime scene.
Thirteen years. Thirteen years too long. When he finds out the reason behind the sadness to her eyes, he finds that he was right and has never hated himself more for it. Because he finally knows the entire story. In the four years that he has been with her, he has watched her find new leads and tear them down. Watched good men who made poor decisions atone for their sins. Watched her kill the one who killed her mother only to find that he was a pawn in a tale of corruption, he only wished was a story fabricated by the Master of the Macabre. The scars that are on her heart are still there and they will be there for the rest of her life. The scars are no longer figurative. There is now a literal scar on her chest and on her heart from where the bullet had done it's damage. When she comes back from her self-imposed exile, he isn't expecting her to admit to her shortcomings in that area. As much as he is upset with her about her leaving when she did, he can't help but notice that it might have done some good. Before she left, he noticed that she wasn't happy with Josh and that she hides within that relationship because she's afraid to feel. But now she's willing to tear that wall down. It gives him hope that there is a chance for them. But now he's got secrets, one that relates directly to her mother's case and the other that is related to her. He has been the one tasked into having her stand down. He had to do it before and she hated him for it. He doesn't know why he thought it was a good idea to try to make her stand down again. No he knows why: It's because he loves her and he's willing to let that wall stay up as long as she's safe. He knows that it means that she wouldn't be able to have a real relationship because that was the deal.
Somehow he manages to convincingly steer her away. Time passes and he finds that his secret is actually their secret. That she knows the words he said to her the day she got shot. He is angry and he feels he has every right to be. He doesn't know if there is anything that can be said or done to change his mind. He was angry with her before but never like this. He finally has had enough and is ready to call it quits, but not without a goodbye. It's funny how the cases sometimes reflect the situation that he finds himself in and this time it is no different. This time there is a guy with amnesia with a truth that is kept buried inside. Granted the truth was buried by a heavy dose of medication, but the truth is still there.
She knows he knows. She can't escape that hurt look in his eyes. She knows as soon as he tells her that people tend to remember a life-altering event. But she knows that this time the tension is different, that they won't make it out of this rut they have been in unless she gives a piece of herself to him. She lets him know that she wasn't ready to deal with it, but she's starting to. She tells him about her therapy and that the wall is coming down. The foundation doesn't feel as steady this time. Pieces of mortar have flaked off in some areas and the wall is starting to sway. This is the moment he has been waiting for. Because that's all he's ever wanted for her, to feel the same love that he feels for her. He is ready this time to stand with her and watch as the wall that was carefully constructed to keep people out falls to the ground.
"That wall I was telling you about? I think it's coming down."
"Well, I'd like to be there when it does."
"Yeah I'd like that too."