How many times had i thought about this moment? A million. How many times had i dreamt about it? Everynight. I knew it was the choice i had made, and that i was going to follow through, but now, now i wasn't so sure. I knew i wanted forever with him, but i was giving up everything i knew. I was diving into something totally new and unexpected. A life full of mystery, strenghth, and beauty. I wasn't sure if i could handle it without a mental breakdown.
I looked up at my one true love, as cliche as that sounds, and knew that i had to go through with what i had planned. I couldn't go back now, not after he finally made up his mind too. I had to remember that i was doing this for the both of us. I knew he wouldn't continue with his life after mine had ended, and that was unacceptable. A world without Edward was a universe with no sun, a body with no soul. I wasn't about to let the world lose its light.
My heart skipped a beat when he squeezed my hand gently and smiled my favorite crooked smile at me, his deep ocher eyes boring into my soul.
"You don't have to go through with this. You can still change your mind; no one would be mad or disapointed in you for it Bella," he said softly, and i could see the glimmer of hope deep in his eyes, burning fiercely. I knew that he was still adverse to the idea of changing me into what he was. Making me an equal was the last thing on his list of priorities. He wanted to keep me human. I couldn't even begin to fathom his reasons. They seemed so invalid to me. I guessed it had to do with putting my soul in danger, but what was my soul in comparison to spending eternity with the one thing i couldn't live without? I just didn't get it.
"No, I'm gonna do it, " I said a minute too late, not sounding confident at all. I hated that. Whenever i was with edward, I would slip on my defenses and let him see too much. Like right now; when i was letting him see how frightened i really was.
His only response, as usual, was to sigh and look away, hiding his eyes from me. I grinned to myself, amused by the fact that such a strong, beautiful, perfect being could ever have to hide from such a simple, uninfluential person like me. I reached up and pulled his face around, so i could look in his eyes. I wanted to convey my message to him. He needed to understand my point of view, and where i was coming from. If he didn't, i would feel like a cheat. I would feel like i wasn't totally honest and had swindled him out of what he thought he could never lose. He didn't want this to happen, but it was going to, against his wishes and pleas, I would become one of them. Even if it hurt him. I had to, if I wanted to be with him for the rest of time. Never leaving his side, never being fragile, less beautiful (although he would always look a zillion times better than me), we would be equals. Instead of Clark Kent and Loius Lane.
"What are you so worried about? Do you not want me forever or what, Edward?" I asked him quietly. I knew it was a low blow, but it was the truth. I was doing this to be with him forever. Nothing else. "Forever. That's all that matters. Not my soul, or the possibility that you might kill me. I don't care about that, I will take that chance. All I care about is staying with you forever. One lifetime of loving you is not enough,"I explained, hoping my eyes would be able to get the message across to him. I wanted him to see that there was no fear in my eyes. I realized, at that moment, that i was not afraid as I had originally thought. I was only worried about Edward. I was worried about how he was going to react, if he was going to follow through with his promise to change me. I did not care that he might kill me. I would rather die at his hands than anyone else's. If that was to be my destiny, then so be it. I saw the pain flash across his face and settle in his eyes before he spoke carefully.
"Isabella Swan, you know that i want you forever. Every single day of forever, but not this way. I don't want to....condem you to a life of lies and deciet," he said very softly, avoiding my eyes. "I want you to have a normal life, and, Bella, with me you can't have that."
"But-"i protested.
"No, its not a life if you are a monster, Bella. If you have to kill to stay alive, that's hardly life,"he said with one long finger on my lips, turning his head away in disgust.
I reached up and wound my fingers through his, and kissed the palm of his hand. "Hey," I said, while using my other hand to make him look at me. "I love you. I would do anything, anything, for you. You know that. We don't have to live a life of lies, Edward. We can run away, we could go to where no one else would be. Live alone, just me and you, forever,"I reasoned.
"Bella, don't be niave please. You know that if that was all I was worried about, we would have been gone long before now," he said, speaking to me as if i should have noticed this fact long ago. "You know what I mean when i say i would prefer you to stay human."
"Edward, please do not treat me like a child," I said angrily, my temper starting to flare. "I am old enough to make my own choices. I know perfectly well the price i am about to pay to stay with you forever, but I don't care! I know this is what I want, Edward. What I want is to stay with you forever." I crossed my arms and looked away out of habit, glowering at the floor, trying to not let the tears well up in my eyes.
"I'm sorry," he said softly and sincerely, "I didn't mean to upset you, love. It's just that I don't think you have to do this." He pulled my face around gingerly, being careful of my fragile human skull, and kissed my forehead before he kissed me sweetly on the lips. "You know I love you, you are my life, but I don't want to end your life for you. I don't want to be so selfish," he admitted.
"I don't think it makes you selfish," I whispered, "it makes you normal; human. And no one, not one single person, Edward, will be upset at you for this. Its what we all want," i explained. "So really, you are not being selfish, but selfless. Your giving everybody else what they want." I couldn't tell if my logic was working on him or not, but i pretended like it was. I wasn't about to let him talk himself out of this, not when we were so close.
He took my hand gently and started up the stairs to his huge bedroom. My heart picked up speed as I realized what was going to happen when we got to that room. Was I really ready for this? Could I really follow through? No, my fears were irrational. This was what i wanted. What Edward wanted. I had to go through. I was past the point of no return.
We got to his room faster than was usual. We should have been slower, due to my sluggish human speed. He hadn't picked me up and ran had he? No. We had walked the whole way.
I looked around his breathtaking room. The high ceiling and glass wall. The gold and black colors, pleaseing to the eye. When I turned to his baffling music collection, I smiled. It amused me that the greatest musician in the world needed all these other peoples music, especailly when they all paled in camparison to his talent. I chuckled quietly to myself, and stopped abruptly when i saw his confused face. I wasn't in the mood to explain it to him right now. I smiled at him, but he stayed serious. I frowned and walked over to him and sat on the floor at his feet, patting the floor beside me.
In a moment of his inhuman speed and strength I was cradled against his chest next to the window-wall. I blinked the surprise away and looked carefully at his face. He was having an internal arguement by the looks of it. I opened my mouth but he politely asked me to be quiet for a moment more. I clamped my mouth chut and watched him, my annoyance building.
"How much longer is this moment, Edward?" I asked impatiently. "We've argued about this for long enough, and we shouldn't still be having the arguement now. Change me, Edward. It's as simple as that." He was quiet, and I saw how much my words hurt him when I looked in his eyes. The pain was quickly replaced with deep concentration. I felt my eyebrows left in impatience, and was about to speak again when his fingers clamped my mouth shut.
"Please hear me out, Bella," he pleaded, "I have one last proposition for you. You don't have to agree, and I will still change you, but know, please, that it would mean so much to me," he said in a rush. I just stared at him with confusion. "I will never again get to feel your warmth, hear your heart beat, Bella. You will never sleep in my arms again. All I am asking for, is one last night. Let me change you tomorrow. Let me memorize every human thing about you that I will lose. Please," he said, his eyes wide and full of sadness. I was torn. I understood what he was saying, but I was worried he might use the extra time to try and talk me out of this again. I closed my eyes and rubbed my temples with my fingertips.
"Bella? Are you alright?" he asked urgently. "Remember, you are free to say no if you would like," he reminded me sadly.
"I don't want to say no, Edward. You want it a lot, and I can see that. I want to give it to you, but I am worried about what you might try tomorrow," i said in a burst of aggravation. "How do I know you won't try to talk me out of this again? How do I know you will stay true to your word tomorrow instead of convincing me that I have a reason to wait?" i asked, on the verge of tears.
"Bella. Bella," he said, taking my face in his hands, "I have no intention of doing said things. I only want one last night to remember you as you were, love, nothing more. Its not time for me to plot a way to keep you this way. I would never waste my limited time doing such a thing as thinking of ways to con you out of what you want the most. I'm done with that," he admitted. I stared into his eyes, and found no trace of deciet brewing there. He was telling the truth; he only wanted to hold me, as a human, one last time, watch me sleep for the last time. Listen to my heart once more before it was silenced forever. The tears welled up in my eyes and spilled over, and i was sobbing.
"Oh, Edward. How could I say no? I didn't realize how much-I-I I-I didn't know how much I was taking away from you!" I admitted in horror. I was disgusted with myself. How coul I have been so selfish. And all along Edward had thought himself the selfish one! Ridiculous. He looked like a saint next to me and my actions. "I'm so sorry!" I sobbed into his chest, "I'm so selfish."
"Self-? Isabella! What are you talking about?" he asked, sounding frightened. I was silent, save for the loud sobs coming from my tiny body, and I waited until my words sunk in. "Bella," he said quietly, choosing his words carefully, "you are right on one thing. I will miss everything that you are now, but know that I will love everything you will become. You'll still be my Bella, just more durable. We will be able to do so much more, and there will be no more physical boundries for our relationship when you are strong. Please don't think, not for one single minute, that you are being selfish," he said softly, while rubbing my back with his cool hand. I glared at him.
"You're just saying that," I accused. "You don't want me to feel bad, so you always keep what you are feeling away from me. You never want me to be upset at you or hurt, but please, Edward, spare my feelings and tell me I am being selfish."
"Bella, sparing your feelings, you are not being selfish. That's the truth, love. Believe me please?" I couldn't tell if he was telling me what he wanted me to hear again, or if he really meant it. I was still debating when he kissed the top of my head and squeezed me gently. I decided he was forgiven. "So one more night, please?" he asked quietly.
I didn't think I could talk, so I lifted my head and nodded my consent. I couldn't decide whether pain or happiness was more prominent in his features. I decided to go with happiness, because I didn't want to think of him in pain.
"Thank you," he whispered before kissing my forehead. I just closed my eyes and snuggled against his stone chest. I felt his arms hold me tighter against him as I slowly started falling asleep. Somewhere in the back of my mind I faintly registered that my lullaby was being hummed in my ear softly.
In my dream my eyes were crimson red and I was being restrained by my new family. I fought against them, trying to get to what I so badly desired; human blood. I woke with a start and quickly buried my face in Edward's shirt. I felt his hand smoothing my hair down soothingly, but he didn't ask what it was. For this I was grateful, and I let myself peek out the giant window wall. The sun was just coming up over the trees. I turned and kissed Edward softly on the cheek.
"Mornin'," I said quietly. This was it, today it was going to happen. I couldn't tell if I was still scared or not. I pulled away from Edward to look at his face. I couldn't find a trace of emotion, his face was totally indifferent, and not telling me anything. I sighed and started closing my eyes so I wouldn't have to think about what he was hiding from me.
"They are all gone," he said quietly, "if you are ready, I am." My eyes flew open in shock and I blinked quickly to keep my eyes in my head.
"Everyone is gone?" I asked.
"Yes, Bella," he said, sounding impatient.
"Oh," was all I could say. I did want to admit it, but now I was afraid that Edward might not be able to handle it. If no one else was here, who would keep him from killing me if he couldn't stop. That was a risk I was already aware of, it shouldn't bother me now. I wouldn't let it.
"Unless you've changed your mind," he said, and i pretended I couldn't hear the hope in his voice. I knew he would be over all this in three days, when I was like him.
"No, I want to do this," I said, sounding a little desperate. "Please?"
"Do you promise to forgive me?" he asked quietly. I was confused.
"Forgive you? For what?" i asked.
"Causing you so much pain," he whispered. "Are you ready?"
"Yes," i breathed, "yes, I am ready."
"Forgive me," he said again. Then his razor sharp teeth sank into my neck. I felt them linger before he hesitantly pulled his teeth out. I closed my eyes against the pain I was going to feel and felt his teeth in my wrist. Then the burning started. I tried to bite my lip to keep from making a sound, but I heard a whimper escape. The fire was starting in my neck, and making its way down, and spreading from my wrist up my arm. The burning sensation grew more intense and was almost unbearable. I was starting to forget Edward's cool embrace, as I was engulfed in the flames. I felt a scream building up in my chest, and I tried to fight against it. I lost. A blood-curdling scream burst from me.
"I'm so sorry, " I faintly heard Edward say, before i drowned him out with my screaming. I felt my back arch as i dug my nails into my palms and cried out again and again in pain. The fire had slowly made its way to every part of my body. It was an indescribeable feeling; like having every inch of me stuck to the side of an oven. Just when I thought it couldn't get worse, it did. The pain grew and my heart started burning. I guessed that the venom had reached my heart and was now being pumped even quicker through my body.
My screaming intensified, and I faintly remembered that Edward was watching me, feeling responsible for the pain. But that pain kept me from worrying too long.
I didn't know how long it had been since Edward had bitten me, but I knew it had to be close to being over. At least i thought it was. It couldn't last forever, right?
Over time my hearing got a bit better even though the fire still raged. I could hear Edward and his stream of apologies and promises that eventually turned into my lullaby. As time wore on, it grew easier to quiet the screams to whimpers, but I could feel more of the pain. I kept my eyes closed, though I knew I was capable of opening them. I didn't want to see what I knew I would see if I looked at Edward's face. I didn't want to see the hatred he felt for himself. It would push me overboard.
More time passed and the pain got more bearable and I thought I was in the clear. I resolved to open my eyes after a little while longer, but then something told me not to. I felt my heartbeat quicken and the burning became worse than ever before. I felt Edward jump when I screamed as I never had before. I felt my body get set on the floor and I heard him step a few feet back.
Just when I thought my heart might explode, it stopped. The burning receeded and stopped completely. I took a deep breath, and it was one of the weirdest sensations I could ever have felt. I didn't need the air. It was just there! And the taste! I could taste everything in the air. My eyes flew open and everything was nearly overwhelming. I could see everything, the little particles floating around and the individual stitches of the gold rug in the middle of the room. Then I remembered Edward.
I slowly looked around, though I knew exactly where he would be standing. I could already smell him, sweeter than I remembered. Indescribeable. Irrisistable. I couldn't stop breathing his scent in. I slowly looked at his face. If i thought he was gorgeous before, it was nothing compared to now. I saw details I had never noticed before. The way the dim light filtering through the windows made him shimmer faintly. How chisled his face was, his features more noticeable, and perfect. My hand flew to my chest when he smiled my favourite smile, shocked that it was not stuttering as it normally would have. My head snapped up when i heard him chuckle. His voice was more perfect than i remembered.
"Welcome back my love," he said happily.