CHILDREN: (plays with their mums)
MUMS: (plays with their kids)
HARRY: Hmph, (tear)
DUDLEY: (has Eminem as his new idol) Yo.
HARRY: (reaches for his wand)
DUDLEY: Ah!
WEATHER: grrrrgrrrrrr (becomes dark and rainy-)
HARRY AND DUDLEY: (find a cave, or tunnel, whatever.)
CAVE OR TUNNEL:
LIGHTS: Potter's in the house! Time to get scaryyyy (are off)
DEMENTORS: (are bald this time and do their usual creepy gestures. Some of them actually starred in The Mummy.)
DUDLEY: Ha-iry?
HARRY: Shit.
DEMENTOR#1: (tries to dementor-rape Dudley)
DUDLEY: (faints)
HARRY: EXPECTO PATRONUM!
STAG: (owns dementor #1)
FELLOW DEMENTORS: AHHHHHHHHH…..
HARRY: (works some muscles and carries his pig cousin)
MRS FIGGS: This way, hurry up! And don't put that wand away because I know you're a wizard, and I'm not a witch but I know about them. Er- I am actually a squib.
HARRY: And you've been my neighbour for how long?
\
DURSLEYS HOUSE:
PETUNIA: DUDDERS?!
VERNON: WTF DID YOU DO TO MY SON, POTTER!
HARRY: Saved his life, and you're welcome?
DUDLEY: H-he did m-m-m-mmmm-----
HARRY: magic?
DURSLEYS: (THUNDERS) AHHHSHUTUPMAGICISABADWORD
HOGWARTS LETTER: (flies into Harry's palms) You have been expelled because you did magic. LoL. Sorry!
HARRY: Fucking dementors.
LATER THAT NIGHT:
HALF OF THE ORDERS OF PHOENIX: (bursts into the house)
MAD EYE MOODY:Potter? You in here?
HARRY: Hi.
MAD EYE MOODY: Alright, good let's go kiddo. You're not safe here. Also, I think you are getting expelled.
HARRY: I just love good news.
THEY FLY ON THEIR BROOMSTICKS, THROUGH BUSSES AND BUILDINGS AND LAMPOSTS SO THAT ALL THE LONDON MUGGLES CAN ADMIRE THEIR MAGICAL ABILITIES
THE GRIMMAULD PLACE:
SIRIUS: Oh, my dear Godson! Welcome to my house!
HARRY: I like your house.
SIRIUS: Thanks!
HERMIONE: (almost knocks down Harry) HARRY!
RON: Omg, it's HARRY!
HARRY: Sup.
HERMIONE: How is your summer?
HARRY: I'm living in an absolute bliss.
RON: Look I'm sorry that we-
HARRY: (becomes angsty) YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING THAT I AM GOING THROUGH RIGHT NOW!
AT THE HEARING:
MR WEASLEY: Good luck, Harry, I swear you won't get expelled.
UMBRIDGE: (is a mix of Elle Woods and a Crazy Old Cat Lady) hehehe. I think Harry should get expelled.
OTHER WITHCES: I disagree!
FUDGE: (sigh)
DUMBLEDORE: (comes into rescue) I SAY HARRY GOES TO SCHOOL!
FUDGE: Ok well I guess he's innocent then.
HARRY: Er, Professor?
DUMBLEDORE: Anyways g2g! See you at school!
HARRY: …
HOGWARTS EXPRESS:
HERMIONE: I knew you'd win! Great job, Harry!
RON: Yeah! You always do the best!
HARRY: IT WAS DUMBLEDORE NOT ME YOU FOOLS!
HERMIONE AND RON: …
HOGWARTS GROUNDS:
CHO ON CARRIAGE: (is all lovey-dovey and silently flirtatious and smiling)
HARRY: (drools)
HERMIONE AND RON: (Also drools after Cho and her carriage)
HARRY: (at thestrals) Wtf is that?
HERMIONE AND RON: What? We don't see anything. You feeling alright?
HARRY: Haha, Funny.
LUNA: It's okay, you're not weird, I can see them too. They're thestals. They're actually my best friends in the whole wide world.
RON AND HERMIONE: …
LUNA: It's true, I talk to them every day, and I feed them and everything. And I can do this because I have seen death. Just like you, Harry.
HARRY: (sigh) This year's gonna rock.
GRYFFINDOR COMMON ROOM:
SEAMUS: My mum didn't want me going to school because you're a bad ass liar, Harry.
HARRY: WELL YOUR MUM'S STUPID!
SEAMUS: Don't have a GO at my mum, POTTER!
RON: (to Seamus) Hey, shut up, okay? Harry's going through some serious man-pmsing.
UMBRIDGE'S CLASS: (in Harry's opinion, SUCKS)
UMBRIDGE: Let's all read our little books and no wands because we're safe from the world!
HARRY: What about Voldemort, huh? He's back!
CLASS: (goes silent)
UMBRIDGE: Uh, did I just hear someone say something?
HARRY: YEA. VOLDEMORT.
UMBRIDGE: LIAR DETENTION!
RON: Harry's having a bad term this year, isn't he?
UMBRIDGE'S DETENTION:
HARRY: (walks into the weirdest room)
UMBRIDGE'S ROOM: (is totally pink)
CATS ON THE WALL ER- INSIDE THE PLATES: Meeooww
UMBRIDGE: Oh hello, like my room? I got some of these plates from the Mrs. Teapot. You like?
CATS: Meow, meow, meowwwwwww
HARRY: Fuck I'm gonna die.
UMBRIDGE: Use this quill and write 'I must not lie'
HARRY: (writes and realizes the pain a bit too late) uh-wha-OW!
UMBRDIGE: Tea, dear?
HARRY: Old Fucking Crazy Cat Bitch.
GREAT HALL:
HERMIONE: Harry, omg, tell Dumbledore!
HARRY: Gawd, no!
HERMIONE: I have an idea, let's form a Dark Arts group!
HARRY: Whatever, okay?
HERMIONE: And you are the teacher!
HARRY: hey!
FORBIDDEN FOREST:
HAGRID: This is my brudda.
GRAWP: (is the size of a mountain troll shown in Movie One) ARGGGG
HERMIONE: Oh, he's lovely.
GRAWP: (takes Hermione in his hand) GRRRR IM KING KONG GRR!
HERMIONE: (in her mad, screechy, high frequency voice) PUT ME DOWN OMG!
GRAWP: (Puts her down.)
HERMIONE: Now, let's play some instruments with dumbbells.
HAGRID: (gets emotional) Aww, you lurrve him! (sniff)
AT THE BAR:
HERMIONE: Okay everyone, so we're making this group for dark arts, and Harry's gonna be the teacher, so who's in?
CHO: Me!
WEASLEYS and GRYFFINDORS: ME!
THE REST:…fine! I'll do it.
HARRY: Nobody's asking you to, asshole.
CHO: (admiringly stares at Harry)
HARRY: I'm kinda liking this group already.
ROOM OF REQUIREMENT:
HARRY: Okay, so it's not that hard, like just swish your wand sideways and say random things.
NEVILLE: I did it, Harry!
HARRY: Great, Neville, you've finally learned how to use your wand!
CHO: Oh, you make menervous Harry! (blushes and has the innocent-girl-charm-flirtatious thing going on)
HARRY: Here, let me hold your hand to make it better.
CHO: (drops Colin Creevy)
COLIN: AH!
CHO: You know, I'd totally kiss you if we weren't surrounded by a whole bunch of kids.
AFTER SEVERAL MEETINGS OF DA:
ROOM OF REQUIREMENT DURING XMAS:
HARRY: You guys leave, I'm staying behind to do some business.
CHO: (looks and is quite emo, as throughout the entire movie, and is also lovingly staring at her handsome, dead boyfriend Cedric (who's quite the looker's picture and waiting to kiss Harry, DANIEL RADCLIFFE. Lucky bitch she is, yes girls?)
HARRY: So, Cho, what's up?
CHO: Look, mistletoe. Up there. Right above our heads. Isn't that cute?
HARRY: Nargles!
CHO: huh?
HARRY: Never…mind.
CHO: ok, good, because you were totally ruining this atmosphere.
HARRY and CHO: (KISS for literally five minutes, their tongues getting some heavy, wet exercise.)
AZKABAN:
BELLATRIX: AH HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!!! IM FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE (Very much resembles her Burtonized character in her other movie, Corpse Bride)
(oh, and her eyes are sizes of golf balls. No joke)
GRYFFINDOR ROOM:
RON: Wait, so dude, you kissed her? OMG YOU KISSED A GIRL! What's it like?
HARRY: Wet.
RON: (faints)
HERMIONE: Yeah, she's a tad bit depressed lately.
HARRY: a tad bit?
OCCULEMENCY LESSON:
SNAPE: You are afraaiiiiid..
HARRY: (indignant) I am so not!
SNAPE: Then prove it (goes through Harry's thoughts, basically his entire life)
HARRY'S THOUGHTS: Hogwarts-death-Hogwarts-Cedric's death-Hogwarts- Kissing Cho-Voldemort twitching his head in a suit at the train station along some kind of disco music.
HARRY: ARGG STOP! (penetrates into Snape's thoughts)
SNAPE'S THOUGHTS: (Snape used to be this hot emo kid with hair in his face, looking very poetic under a tree)
NOT-SO-HOT JAMES POTTER: (needs to get contacts) Ahaha Snivellus!
NOT TOO BAD-LOOKING LILY: Stop it!
YOUNG EMO SNAPE: (turns upside down) I hate my life.
LILY: STOP IT!
BTW, everything goes too fast
SNAPE; BACK IN THE DUNGEON: (is furious) How fucking dare you, Potterrrr!!!
HARRY: Uh, oops.
DA MEETING (LAST):
HARRY: Where is Cho?
MALFOY and INQUISITORIAL SQUAD LED BY UMBRIDGE(who, by the way, never seems to change out of her pink uniform): (bursts in) HAHAHHAHAHA I GOT YOU!
HARRY: Shit
MALFOY: And look who else I got, and told me about this! Your girlfriend, CHO! Haha!
Tom Felton Fans: FINALLY. HE'S ON SCREEN!
HARRY: (is heartbroken)
DUMBLEDORE'S OFFICE:
UMBRIDGE: So who's idea was this??
DUMBLEDORE: Mine. I told them to make it. To attack the ministry?
THE MINISTRY PPL: Wtf? Seriously?
DUMBLEDORE: (nodd)
FUDGE: You're arrested.
HERMIONE: (starts to carry on her clever scheme) –sniff-
UMBRIDGE: What's wrong girl?
HERMIONE: We do have a weapon. In the Forbidden Forest. Will you go there with us, unarmed, entirely by yourself with three of us?
UMBRIDGE: (fuming) yes.
HARRY: Oh and I think Sirius is in danger. With Voldemort. Fucking jackass, he has to show up every year.
THE FOREST:
UMBRIDGE: HOW FAR?
HERMIONE: Soon!
CENTAURS: Oh look, mmm humans.
UMBRIDGE: Stupid half-breeds! Quit checking me out!
CENTAUR WITH NICE ABS: uh excuse me? Who's checking who out?
UMBRIDGE: (gets attacked)
TRIO: MUAHAHHAHA
LUNA AND GINNY AND NEVILLE: (comes..out of nowhere) Let's go find Sirius!
HARRY: Uh, okay.
MINISTRY OF MAGIC:
GROUP: (Runs down the corridor.) Which room? Which room?
HARRY: THIS ROOM!
ROOM WITH CRAZY BRAINS: (is cut out due to timing and budget)
ANYWAY: (There is a crystal room)
NEVILLE: Look at this shiny thing! It's got your name on it!
HARRY: (holds up the prophecy) I don't know what it is, but it's shiny!
LUCIUS: (could be the new face of Herbal Essence) GIVE THAT BACK BOY!
HARRY: Never!
LUCIUS, BELLA and GANGS: THEN ITS WARRRRRRRR!!
THEY FIGHT, Each holding wooden sticks, "wands", which may seem a bit silly on the eyes of muggles.
ORDER OF PHOENIX: (bursts in) We're HEREEEE
SIRIUS: I'm here too!
HARRY: Wtf? Sirius? I thought you were like, being tortured or something-
SIRIUS: My Godson, I love you! (clearly, their godson/father relationship hasn't been emphasized enough in the films as much as the books, and everything is very awkward.)
HARRY: Er, me too.
BELLATRIX: I KEEL YOU!
SIRIUS: Ah! (dies)
HARRY: BIIIIIIIIIITCHHHHHHHH (and everything goes silent and is in slow motion, like those old corny horror movies)
LUPIN: (after moments of silence) Ok Harry, time to go.
HARRY: IM GONNA KEEL YOU CRAZY WOMAN!
BELLA: (is genuinely evil and have mastered the art of witch-laughing)
More Fighting
VOLDEMORT: Did ya miss me?
LUCIUS and GANG: masterrr…
VOLDEMORT: And Harry Potter, you dieeeee!!!
HARRY: (becomes err…possessed??)
VOLDEMORT: (Does something with his wand)
Silver Lights are everywhere and a lot of debris in the air
HARRY: (Daniel Radcliffe has gotten better with acting. Perhaps his role as a horse-pedophile might have helped?) Neverrrrrr
VOLDEMORT: (does his evil laugh)
HARRY: (has his flashbacks again, showing a lot of (yay!) Cedric)
DUMBLEDORE: NUH UH, NOT TOO FAST SONNY!
VOLDEMORT: Shiiiiiiitt it's you!
DUMBLEDORE: Yes, it is I.
They have a battle.
Dumbledore Wins.
VOLDEMORT: I'll be back next year!!!!!
HARRY: Totally looking forward to it.
BEFORE SCHOOL ENDS:
HARRY: Well, time to go home now.
HERMIONE: Yea, good job this year.
HARRY: Seriously, don't mention it. I officially hate my life.