Author: Dawn
Title: Seemed Like a Good Idea
Summary: Buffy realizes what a complete moron she is.
Spoilers: Everything up to "As You Were"
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: Don't own any of the characters although I'm seriously considering vamp-napping Spike.
Feedback: Welcome and highly regarded
Distribution: Sure just let me know where
Author's note: I'm trying to do damage control for the episode "As You Were" cause I have never wanted to smack somebody as bad as I wanted to smack Buffy after the way she treated Spike. Let's begin.
**********************************************************************
God, it's so tiring being this self-righteous. Sometimes I hate myself so much I can't even look in the mirror. Can I get a resounding chorus of "Buffy is a big fat idiot" anyone? I'll lead. Ugh. I stand at the bathroom mirror and just stare at myself. There are dark circles under my eyes from not having had a decent nights sleep since I clawed my way out of my own grave. My skin is pale and feels like it's pulled too tight over my body. I don't fit in it anymore. I close my eyes but have to open them quickly as his face appears behind my eyelids. I'll never be able to forget that look. The one he wore when I told him it was over. The one he gave when I lived the most self-righteous, bitchiest, stupidest, dumbest moment of my life. God, did I mention I'm an idiot?
I don't look into the mirror again as I make my way to my room to dress. I throw on a pair of jeans and a shirt and make my way to the kitchen. Unbidden, his face appears again and my heart constricts inside my chest. I stumble at the pain and almost take a header down the stairs. I grab the banister to steady myself. I sit slowly on the top step and bury my head in my hands. I let them come. I see him standing in the ruins of his home. His home that I destroyed in more ways than one. Everything he owned is blackened and torn. He knows I'm there before I even descend what's left of the ladder that leads to the now scorched lower level of his crypt.
"Thought you'd be out snogging the soldier boy." I forget that I never told him Riley was married now.
"He left." That's the only explanation I can come up with for why I'm not with Riley right now. I don't even bother to explain. Did I think he wasn't good enough to deserve an explanation?
I tell him I'm not there for sex or to bust his chops about the whole egg scheme. Well aren't I just a saint. God I hate myself.
He knows what I'm there to do before the words even form in my mouth. I try to ignore the lost look on his face. His beautiful face. I can see the pain in his blue eyes as the words "It's over" fill the space between us. He tries to play it off. Tries to act like it's one of the million other times I've said the same thing. He knows me too well. He knows this time it's real. This time I mean it.
"I can't love you." Can't. There's a word. Won't is what I should have said but let's not forget I was in self-righteous mode. I can love with the best of them but I won't allow myself to fall in love with this…man. Because it frightens me. To love him would be to be loved so completely and utterly that I would lose myself in him. The world would fade to nothing as it does every time I'm in his arms. It's hard enough to pull myself away from him now when he thinks I'm just using him for sex. If I were ever to tell him I love him…oh God. I just thought that just now didn't I? I try to wrap things up quickly after that little "sort of" epiphany.
I go into how I was just using him. How I was being selfish and weak. My audacity makes even my nauseous. Yet he just stands there with his head tilted to the side starring at me in disbelief and fear. He always knew every time we were together could easily be the last. He probably hadn't expected it to come so soon. Me either. Good old Riley Finn. Making the world safe for Slayers who have a thing for vampires. Suddenly I'm so sorry for this whole mess. I'm sorry for every hurtful thing I've ever said to him, for every punch I've ever thrown at him, for every time I've ignored him. In my delusional state I think I'll give him a little bit of something to make him feel better about all this.
"I'm sorry, William." There. That should make it feel like I haven't just ripped out his unbeating heart and stomped it into the charred remains of his record collection lying at my feet. I'm taking self-loathing to a whole new level. His face changes at the sound of his given name. A visible shift in his demeanor. A shield comes down over his usually expressive eyes and I can feel him closing himself off. Hardening himself against me. I've just rejected the man, not the demon. I hadn't realized that's how he would see it.
Once again may I reiterate that I was high on my own self-involvement so I couldn't comprehend what I was saying or doing till much later. And then, having completed his utter desolation I turned around and practically skipped out of his crypt and into the sun where he couldn't follow.
I didn't realize I was crying sitting there on the steps till I felt something wet hit the back of my hand. I was also unaware that Tara was standing a few steps down from me looking up at me with the calm understanding look that only she can do. She walks slowly up the stairs and sits next to me. She puts one arm around my shaking shoulders and pulls me against her. Can't help it, I lose it. I sob into the cloth covering her shoulder for a good thirty minutes.
By the time the maelstrom is over her shirt is soaked and my throat feels like someone rubbed it with steel wool. She leads me into the kitchen and gets me a cool washcloth to wipe my face. She places a glass of water in front of me. I rub the cool cotton against my flushed skin and stop as I remember the feel of his cool fingers against that same cheek. I tear up again and Tara lays a comforting hand on mine.
There is only silence as we just sit there, me starring at my hands fisted in my lap and Tara starring at me waiting for me to explain my emotional breakdown. I can hear the hands of the clock ticking and the whir of the refrigerator. Time is slipping past us. Time I'm not with him.
"It seemed like such a good idea at the time, you know? I mean what kind of a future could we possibly have? I can't even tell my friends we're together. Well, were together." The light goes on in Tara's eyes. She realizes what I've done.
"So you ended it." She says softly. I only nod. She sighs and comes around to sit beside me.
"Buffy, listen to me. I'm not telling you that what you did was not what you should have done. What you do with your life is your decision. However, having said that, you need to start making decisions that are going to make your life better…happier. I know it shocked you, finding out Riley is happily married and living the life of …well you get what I'm saying, but he found his own happiness Buffy. He got over you and started a new life. He made decisions that would make his life better for him. You can't have what he has, Buffy. You can't duplicate it because it belongs to him. You have to make your own happiness. I have some suggestions. Do you want to hear this now?" She reaches out a hand and brushes my hair behind my ear. My mom used to do that. I nod again.
"Ok. First of all you need to find a job that doesn't suck the life out of you. While you're working at the Palace, be looking for something else. Second, let us help you. You don't have to do everything by yourself. Thirdly," she paused and took a deep breath, " I know being here is hard for you Buffy. I know what we did is unforgivable but you found it in yourself to forgive us. I know you'd rather be there than here but it doesn't change that fact that you are here now Buffy. You've got to start living again. Start going out with your friends again, start talking to them again, quit shutting them out. They can't help if they don't now what's going on. They know you're not happy but they don't know what to do about it. Let your emotions show. I know it's painful and it hurts like hell but in the end you'll feel tons better. Every girl needs a good cry once in a while." She smiled and I tried to return it but failed miserably.
"And Buffy, if Spike makes you happy, don't push him away. I think the reason you feel so bad about being with him is because you have to lie to everybody about it. If they knew then the two of you could actually try to start a semi-normal relationship. I know they won't take it well at first but Buffy they love you and eventually they'll get over it. I repeat, this is your life, not theirs. Sometimes you have to be selfish." I almost laughed at that. Sometimes? I can't think of too many moments when I haven't been selfish. Especially where Spike is concerned.
"I don't know if he'll even speak to me after what I said. I was so awful to him."
"Buffy, if I know Spike, he'll be waiting at the door to tell you I-told- you-so." I actually did chuckle a little at that.
"Suck it up, swallow your pride and get your ass over there." I looked up shocked at the girl smiling wickedly beside me.
"Tara, I never thanked you for before. You've been a true friend to me and Dawn and I appreciate it."
"You can buy me present later, now go." She pushed me off the stool and out the back door.
I stood on the porch starring at the steps where Spike and I had sat together so many nights in silence, just taking comfort in each other's presence. I almost start to cry again. My stupidity disease is clearing up rapidly. I need him. I need him in my life, in my home, in my bed. There is no one else. He loves me, he understands me, he never lies to me (not when it's important), and he never lets me bury my head in the sand. I want to be loved by him completely, utterly, until I don't know where I end and he begins. It won't be easy. We're both stubborn, selfish, passionate people. It won't be easy, but it'll be worth it.
Title: Seemed Like a Good Idea
Summary: Buffy realizes what a complete moron she is.
Spoilers: Everything up to "As You Were"
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: Don't own any of the characters although I'm seriously considering vamp-napping Spike.
Feedback: Welcome and highly regarded
Distribution: Sure just let me know where
Author's note: I'm trying to do damage control for the episode "As You Were" cause I have never wanted to smack somebody as bad as I wanted to smack Buffy after the way she treated Spike. Let's begin.
**********************************************************************
God, it's so tiring being this self-righteous. Sometimes I hate myself so much I can't even look in the mirror. Can I get a resounding chorus of "Buffy is a big fat idiot" anyone? I'll lead. Ugh. I stand at the bathroom mirror and just stare at myself. There are dark circles under my eyes from not having had a decent nights sleep since I clawed my way out of my own grave. My skin is pale and feels like it's pulled too tight over my body. I don't fit in it anymore. I close my eyes but have to open them quickly as his face appears behind my eyelids. I'll never be able to forget that look. The one he wore when I told him it was over. The one he gave when I lived the most self-righteous, bitchiest, stupidest, dumbest moment of my life. God, did I mention I'm an idiot?
I don't look into the mirror again as I make my way to my room to dress. I throw on a pair of jeans and a shirt and make my way to the kitchen. Unbidden, his face appears again and my heart constricts inside my chest. I stumble at the pain and almost take a header down the stairs. I grab the banister to steady myself. I sit slowly on the top step and bury my head in my hands. I let them come. I see him standing in the ruins of his home. His home that I destroyed in more ways than one. Everything he owned is blackened and torn. He knows I'm there before I even descend what's left of the ladder that leads to the now scorched lower level of his crypt.
"Thought you'd be out snogging the soldier boy." I forget that I never told him Riley was married now.
"He left." That's the only explanation I can come up with for why I'm not with Riley right now. I don't even bother to explain. Did I think he wasn't good enough to deserve an explanation?
I tell him I'm not there for sex or to bust his chops about the whole egg scheme. Well aren't I just a saint. God I hate myself.
He knows what I'm there to do before the words even form in my mouth. I try to ignore the lost look on his face. His beautiful face. I can see the pain in his blue eyes as the words "It's over" fill the space between us. He tries to play it off. Tries to act like it's one of the million other times I've said the same thing. He knows me too well. He knows this time it's real. This time I mean it.
"I can't love you." Can't. There's a word. Won't is what I should have said but let's not forget I was in self-righteous mode. I can love with the best of them but I won't allow myself to fall in love with this…man. Because it frightens me. To love him would be to be loved so completely and utterly that I would lose myself in him. The world would fade to nothing as it does every time I'm in his arms. It's hard enough to pull myself away from him now when he thinks I'm just using him for sex. If I were ever to tell him I love him…oh God. I just thought that just now didn't I? I try to wrap things up quickly after that little "sort of" epiphany.
I go into how I was just using him. How I was being selfish and weak. My audacity makes even my nauseous. Yet he just stands there with his head tilted to the side starring at me in disbelief and fear. He always knew every time we were together could easily be the last. He probably hadn't expected it to come so soon. Me either. Good old Riley Finn. Making the world safe for Slayers who have a thing for vampires. Suddenly I'm so sorry for this whole mess. I'm sorry for every hurtful thing I've ever said to him, for every punch I've ever thrown at him, for every time I've ignored him. In my delusional state I think I'll give him a little bit of something to make him feel better about all this.
"I'm sorry, William." There. That should make it feel like I haven't just ripped out his unbeating heart and stomped it into the charred remains of his record collection lying at my feet. I'm taking self-loathing to a whole new level. His face changes at the sound of his given name. A visible shift in his demeanor. A shield comes down over his usually expressive eyes and I can feel him closing himself off. Hardening himself against me. I've just rejected the man, not the demon. I hadn't realized that's how he would see it.
Once again may I reiterate that I was high on my own self-involvement so I couldn't comprehend what I was saying or doing till much later. And then, having completed his utter desolation I turned around and practically skipped out of his crypt and into the sun where he couldn't follow.
I didn't realize I was crying sitting there on the steps till I felt something wet hit the back of my hand. I was also unaware that Tara was standing a few steps down from me looking up at me with the calm understanding look that only she can do. She walks slowly up the stairs and sits next to me. She puts one arm around my shaking shoulders and pulls me against her. Can't help it, I lose it. I sob into the cloth covering her shoulder for a good thirty minutes.
By the time the maelstrom is over her shirt is soaked and my throat feels like someone rubbed it with steel wool. She leads me into the kitchen and gets me a cool washcloth to wipe my face. She places a glass of water in front of me. I rub the cool cotton against my flushed skin and stop as I remember the feel of his cool fingers against that same cheek. I tear up again and Tara lays a comforting hand on mine.
There is only silence as we just sit there, me starring at my hands fisted in my lap and Tara starring at me waiting for me to explain my emotional breakdown. I can hear the hands of the clock ticking and the whir of the refrigerator. Time is slipping past us. Time I'm not with him.
"It seemed like such a good idea at the time, you know? I mean what kind of a future could we possibly have? I can't even tell my friends we're together. Well, were together." The light goes on in Tara's eyes. She realizes what I've done.
"So you ended it." She says softly. I only nod. She sighs and comes around to sit beside me.
"Buffy, listen to me. I'm not telling you that what you did was not what you should have done. What you do with your life is your decision. However, having said that, you need to start making decisions that are going to make your life better…happier. I know it shocked you, finding out Riley is happily married and living the life of …well you get what I'm saying, but he found his own happiness Buffy. He got over you and started a new life. He made decisions that would make his life better for him. You can't have what he has, Buffy. You can't duplicate it because it belongs to him. You have to make your own happiness. I have some suggestions. Do you want to hear this now?" She reaches out a hand and brushes my hair behind my ear. My mom used to do that. I nod again.
"Ok. First of all you need to find a job that doesn't suck the life out of you. While you're working at the Palace, be looking for something else. Second, let us help you. You don't have to do everything by yourself. Thirdly," she paused and took a deep breath, " I know being here is hard for you Buffy. I know what we did is unforgivable but you found it in yourself to forgive us. I know you'd rather be there than here but it doesn't change that fact that you are here now Buffy. You've got to start living again. Start going out with your friends again, start talking to them again, quit shutting them out. They can't help if they don't now what's going on. They know you're not happy but they don't know what to do about it. Let your emotions show. I know it's painful and it hurts like hell but in the end you'll feel tons better. Every girl needs a good cry once in a while." She smiled and I tried to return it but failed miserably.
"And Buffy, if Spike makes you happy, don't push him away. I think the reason you feel so bad about being with him is because you have to lie to everybody about it. If they knew then the two of you could actually try to start a semi-normal relationship. I know they won't take it well at first but Buffy they love you and eventually they'll get over it. I repeat, this is your life, not theirs. Sometimes you have to be selfish." I almost laughed at that. Sometimes? I can't think of too many moments when I haven't been selfish. Especially where Spike is concerned.
"I don't know if he'll even speak to me after what I said. I was so awful to him."
"Buffy, if I know Spike, he'll be waiting at the door to tell you I-told- you-so." I actually did chuckle a little at that.
"Suck it up, swallow your pride and get your ass over there." I looked up shocked at the girl smiling wickedly beside me.
"Tara, I never thanked you for before. You've been a true friend to me and Dawn and I appreciate it."
"You can buy me present later, now go." She pushed me off the stool and out the back door.
I stood on the porch starring at the steps where Spike and I had sat together so many nights in silence, just taking comfort in each other's presence. I almost start to cry again. My stupidity disease is clearing up rapidly. I need him. I need him in my life, in my home, in my bed. There is no one else. He loves me, he understands me, he never lies to me (not when it's important), and he never lets me bury my head in the sand. I want to be loved by him completely, utterly, until I don't know where I end and he begins. It won't be easy. We're both stubborn, selfish, passionate people. It won't be easy, but it'll be worth it.