Disclaimer: I own nothing.

AN: This is based off a prompt from fanficy-prompts on tumblr.

"WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSES WOULD YOUR CHARACTERS BE IN?

Bonus: And how would they feel about that?"

"What the hell is a Slythering?" grumbled Mulch from the wing-back chair by Artemis's elbow. His slouch made him look like the plush chair was slowly pulling him out of sight.

"No, it's Slytherin, and it's a house. Kinda like a dorm building, but more tight-knit. Everyone with similar interests gets put together," explained Juliet, from her position in front of the computer, "there's Gryffindor and Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw."

"Well that's idiotic. Diversity is an excellent prompt to inspiration, and by extension a more than adequate instigator of genius," Artemis said offhandedly. He stood to the side, busily looking over the latest quarter report on his recently acquired companies, all of which were now completely legal.

"It makes people feel like they belong," explained Juliet with an eye roll.

"Wait, how d'you know this anyway?"

Juliet glared at Mulch and snarled a bit, "I do read you know."

Mulch's eyes widened comically

"You..do? Like words? You can read words?"

Artemis snorted without looking up, "Careful there Mulch. She has been a bit tense these days. What with the upcoming match and all."

Juliet looked like she had a very intense desire to kick puppies and set fires to public buildings.

"Mulch I can still beat you senseless four ways from Sunday."

"I know, I know. Just kidding." Mulch held his hands up in a placating manner and then turned back to the screen, "Frond, can no one take a joke nowadays?...So basically, you get picked based on a trait?"

"Yeah. Gryffindor is brave, Ravenclaw is smart, Hufflepuff is nice, and Slytherin is sneaky," she canted her head in uncertainty at the last one but then shrugged it off, "I got put into Gryffindor."

"Obviously, you are a Butler for Pete's sake...so I just have to answer these questions honestly?"

"Mulch! Just follow the instructions! How hard can it be?"

"Alright, alright."

Artemis who had remained silent for the exchange added in a dry quip. "Well, you are certainly not going in Ravenclaw."

Mulch glared and bared his teeth, glinting softly with the reflection of the flickering flames in the fireplace.

There was a lull in conversation. With only the quiet clacking of the keyboard to indicate any movement in the room, and then an explosive noise of irritation from Mulch.

"WHAT? NO! NO I AM NOT A GRYFFINDOR. NO."

Artemis merely raised his eyebrows at the outburst. However, he did set aside his papers and lean down to have a closer look at the screen, and tapped his fingers on his chin. "Brave. What's not to like?"

"Well, I wanted Slythering. That one looked more vicious and my kleptomania would fit right in...come to think of it, that seems to suit our little Arty doesn't it?" Mulch shared a knowing look with Juliet.

"Yeah, either that or Ravenclaw," Juliet smirked gleefully at the chance to force Artemis to participate in something that just screamed pop culture. His adventures on Pottermore would make great stories for the bar nights she has with Holly and Dom.

"Arty, why don't you give it a try?" Juliet cajoled.

Artemis glared at the sobriquet and sighed, but acquiesced.

"Well, move over then," he made a flippant shooing motions with a hand.

A few moments later, Artemis turned around to face the pair in triumph.

"Slytherin." He said, a quirk to his lips and a lilt to his self-satisfied voice.

"Of course. We never doubted you, Arty."

"Yes, yes, you are still the smooth criminal, whatevs," Juliet rolls her eyes but adds, "Hmmm...what would Holly think of that, eh?"

Artemis just smirked.

He didn't bother telling them that he didn't quite follow the instructions.

Not the 'honest' part at any rate.