It happened again last night.
Same as always - we're in my office, going over a case. She's sitting very close to me, and I'm never sure why. We kiss, and she wraps her arms around me. I take off her clothes, and then my own. I don't know why my desk is always bare in the dream, but it is. That's where I lay her down. I take my time with her, kissing her soft skin. She's whispering my name, and I can't help but notice the way her breasts rise and fall with each heavy breath...
And that's when I wake up. To a mess on my pajamas and sheets, not to mention in my head. As always, I begin cursing myself before the pleasure even has a chance to fade. It's a lovely dream, but one that I should not be having.
It started just after she was assigned to me. Not much of a surprise there, I guess. The first time she set foot in my office, I distinctly remember thinking that she was the most beautiful creature I'd ever laid eyes on. My opinion hasn't changed, obviously, but this isn't the time or place for such thoughts.
It's gotten worse since she was censured. Since I learned that she might actually be receptive to more than just a working relationship with me. If Joel Thayer is any indication, she's attracted to powerful older men. Which is what I happen to be...
Stop it, Benjamin, right now!
She's my assistant. My job is to teach her, to give her an understanding of what it fully means to be a prosecutor in this office. At least that's how I see it. Hopefully, she'll be a better attorney for having worked with me. I have a reputation for being hard on my assistants; I went through eight of them before Paul arrived on the scene. But I'm beginning to fear that I'm being more difficult with Claire than I even need to be. That my demands are nothing more than channeled frustration.
Damn you, Paul. If you hadn't left, I wouldn't be in this situation now.
I've never much liked Jack McCoy, but by God, I think I'm beginning to understand him. I now see how easy it is for him to have affairs with his assistants. It's very difficult to be in this job and maintain some form of a personal life - hell, that's how I lost my marriage. At the end of the day, I'm too damn exhausted to even consider the possibility of a relationship. Then Claire Kincaid comes along. She's simply there, constantly in my presence.
The only difference between Jack and myself is that I'm just not willing to go there. The funny thing is that I've always thought that I was above such behavior. Setting a good example and all that.
But now I'm wondering if I'm just stupid.
finis