Hey! I just wrote this up quickly wanting to create a humorous story at the expense of Tony Stark. I'd like to add that I have no problems with yoga and don't mean to offend this activity, its not me who has a problem with it ;)
Hope you like it!
This was soooo not the way Tony had ever intended to spend a perfectly good Saturday, kneeling painfully on a cold wooden floor, blinded by white overhead lights that reflected off every shining surface, twisting your body into one impossible and unnatural shape after the other and this whole time, surrounded by sweaty, grunting strangers.
Yoga had never been Tony Starks' thing. And frankly after this experience, he would make sure no one would ever be able to convincingly talk him into doing it again. Not even his girlfriend, Pepper, the sweetly sadistic red head of his, could get him into agreeing to take up yoga again.
He was even willing to give up eating yoghurt for a while due to its similarities with the word yoga, this testament alone proving the extent Tony was willing to sacrifice just to avoiding this 'exercise.'
"Good, now tilt up that chin and press as far back as you can," the manly built yoga instructor commanded, the class of all females did precisely as shown, the strain on their faces as they stretched their abdominal and neck muscles highly controversial to the calm and smiling beauties on the brochure.
Tony was past disliking this place, he'd only suffered for a week and already he hated this place.
The scenery was made up of mostly bamboo walls and lush plants covering all idle areas, the fake natural elements encouraging Tony to see the fake ness of it all.
This was not a wondrous, calm place of beauty with fluty music. By Tony's 'factual' account he would describe this as a hidden crevice of hell spanning a 20 by 20 foot space in the middle of New York and acted much like a jail cell for bored delinquents, all of which were delivered constant punishments consisting of stretching, holding, raising and twisting that were dealt out frequently with little or no rest and absolutely no talking.
A patients 'housing' in a mental asylum would have been better than this, Tony reasoned, at least there you could talk, relax and there were some freaking padded floors and walls. He imagined it would basically be like living inside a sofa.
This place was just hard surface after hard surface, Tony's' frequent experiences of having been caught in between a rock and a hard place seeming lesser type of hell in comparison.
The word lucky had to have come from a place like this, lucky as in: a rare person whose vulnerable, innocent toes had not yet met their painful doom at a sharp, hidden corner.
This place was going to test Tony Starks patience, if it had not been for Pepper blackmailing him into this position, he would never have agreed. Now however, under the strain of it all, the non talking especially, it was all Tony could do not to make a dash for the door.
"Hey! Stark! Get you're head out of the clouds and get into snake position!" the instructor commanded, non too friendly.
Being the only two men in the room since day one, yoga had now translated into a macho war with 'gymnastics' on the side.
Tony gave the man the dirtiest stare he could manage through tired eyes and lifted his upper body up off the cold floor and arched back, his spine making a few painful popping and cracking noises as he did so.
The man gave Tony a small half smirk that spoke of a miniature alpha male victory and turned back to his oblivious herd of victims, giving out new standing poses.
Threatening the mans doom, Tony obeyed and struggled to get this aching muscles to his feet. This next pose wasn't going to be easy.
Tony assumed "The Tree" position; the ridiculous pose in which you were meant to stand on one foot while your opposite leg was supposed to bend outwards and bend in at the knee so you could rest that foot against the middle of the balance leg. Spreading your arms out like branches only helped to complete what Tony felt must look like a hilarious scene, especially balance was not one of Tony's known strongest abilities to say the least.
How this was supposed to resemble a tree Tony didn't know, a tree whose proportions were wildly different, with only two branches and a tuft of hair? Sure, why not, he wasn't judging the methods of these weirdo's… Tony rolled his eyes and sighed.
Attempt one was nowhere near successful as Tony quickly lost balance and almost put his face through the wooden floor. Thankfully his quick reflexes caught him before he hit, or that wood have left a nasty mark.
Attempt two was still a pitiful looking tree- unless of course it had been struck by lightening resulting in 90 degree bends and flailing branches, not to mention the side affects of making odd noises no tree should make before 'uprooting' completely.
Attempt three was the closest yet Tony had gotten to 'tree formation' and it would have been perfect if not for the fact that trees didn't hop sideways or in circles -or at all for that matter.
Giving this one last feeble try, Tony attempt to balance his center again. With his arms outstretched- but ready to grab, knees wobbling and legs shaking Tony finally realized he was doing it! He hadn't fallen over! He'd actually conquered this damn weird ass tree! And with style.
Tony allowed himself to crack a small smile at this accomplishment, this minor event being the only good thing that had happened today.
His smile didn't last long as his desires got the better of him. This tree ist what he really wanted, this was no accomplishment, this was stupid. He still deeply wished to be back at his lab, tinkering away at things and sitting on a damn chair, or perhaps inspecting what Pepper had gotten up to after leaving him here, or perhaps-
Tony didn't get to finish that thought, his mind having wandered off as it often did and cost him his concentration and balance dearly, sending him hopping madly to the right at a fast pace to stub his toe painfully on an unseen object. Letting out a furious curse Tony tried to right himself while attending to the pain of his toe, his awkward but fast paced stumbling crashing his straight into a very large, pale women in a track suit.
The initial force of the blow combined with her eight sent them both careening into a completely vulnerable, twig looking structure of a woman whose eyes almost popped out of their sockets at the sight of the suddenly flying duo.
Taking one right in the jaw, twiggy was snapped back like a ruler on a desk, her flailing scissor like hands catching two women in the face who screamed out and wildly began flailing themselves and accidentally hitting others.
The rest went like dominos as one 'tree' crashed into another and forced another down and yet another. Tony meanwhile had been unable to fall from his initial fall, the hefty woman at his front having bounced him back to his feet until the momentum carried him onto his heels and was sent immediately backwards like a high speed mummy in reverse towards the exit of the room.
Eyes bulging, a look of dread carrying on his features and a gargled cry was all that came from Tony as he back-pedalled faster and faster until his heels caught on fallen wires that had once fuelled the calm music for an equally calm room.
Unable to save himself, it only took one small tug of the wires to reposition Tony from a somewhat vertical stance into a completely horizontal one and he quickly flew head first through the doors and into figure who had been prepared to enter from the other side.
Pepper had been calmly making her way upstairs to the yoga room ready to greet her whining boyfriend with his lunch yet again.
She had realized and taken note that if anything could distract Tony from his self pitying rants it was food, especially sandwiches for some reason…
And so, Pepper mentally scripted herself for a short argument with Tony before she would introduce to him his heavenly sandwich. Rolling her eyes, Pepper took the last few steps up to the secluded second floor level of the small building that held yoga classes, aiming for the center door that she had last seen Tony enter through.
Mid-stride, Pepper heard an almighty crash from within the room ahead and a few screams followed. Tensing, her eyes widening in surprise, Pepper feared the worst and made a dash for the door -only to step right in front of what was literally a man made missile.
There had been no time to brace for impact before her loving boyfriend made contact with her chest and slammed her backwards across the few feet of floor bringing him to a stop.
Sadly for Pepper, her journey had only just begun and she continued to stumble backwards until there nothing but air under her and down the small flight of stairs she went, uttering a cry of shock and then a foul string of curses for every bump she hit on the way down.
It was a small journey but painful enough. Nothing to cause her serious harm, only bruises…but the harm wouldn't end with her, oh no, it would always beginning and end with her boyfriend.
The entire disaster had only taken mere seconds to come to a stop but the damage had already been done. As painful as it had been, this was the most fun Tony had had at this place all week, not that he was aiming for it, but it had woken him from his day dreams.
When the scene had settled and the curses grew fewer between, Tony let out a sigh and a small moan, his poor toes seeming to have taken most of the hits.
Soldiering through his manly pains, Tony slowly sat himself up to see back into the now destroyed yoga room.
Women's tangled limbs lay in disarray all across the floor, upturned plants having smashed open on the ground and covering nearly everything and everyone in various heaps of soil. It also appeared that in an attempt to stay upright, people had ripped down some shelving and wallpaper, spilling it across the floor, the gym equipment it had held, going down with it.
Remembering his final impact, Tony whipped around to see the new damage he'd caused this newcomer who had fallen down the stairs. As Tony's eyes met Peppers he realized that it was not this newcomer who had suffered damage from his actions but he himself…if only it hadn't been her…
Instead of smiling, Tony gulped, as if this day hadn't been bad enough, now he had surely written his own death sentence…or at least something close to it. Daring to make the first move while keeping eye contact, Tony immediately scrambled to his feet and down the stairs to Pepper.
Taking in the sight of his frazzled girlfriend and knowing she was fine was admittedly quite funny, even if he'd never utter it aloud in her presence.
She was half sitting beside the stair well wall surrounded in ruffled papers and salad topping from her recently destroyed sandwich.
Tomatoes littered the floor and rested on her shoulders and head, obviously having flung them to the air and having them rain down once more. In addition to this, her usually neat, strawberry hair had now turned itself into an uncontrollable ball of static fuzz and stuck to the wall like a spider web.
These minor changes to her attire would have made a great photo for future references, not to mention a great opportunity to become an inspired artist, taking advantage of this 'new style' to make designer brands and call it " Strawberry Salad Stairs!" Just normal clothes and throw salad at it…he could have made millions!- even if he was already a billionaire…
The death stare his girlfriend was giving him reigned in Tony's imagination and sarcastic sense of humour immediately, taking all fun out of the situation and bringing him back to the serious mess he'd made.
He would have jokingly shared his ambitious fashion designs with his girlfriend but somehow he didn't think that would lighten the mood.
Tony put two and two together and guess that how he acted now would probably determine the harshness of the consequences he would suffer later.
Letting go of his ego if he knew what was good for him, Tony stooped down to help out his disgruntled girlfriend, blubbering apologies and helping her up before attending to strewn paperwork.
Normally, he would never have stooped this low, ever. But excuses and arguments wouldn't help him here. She always seemed to win anyways so it didn't matter anyways.
Pepper offered him an icy glare for his consolations and weak smiles and in a huff stormed back off upstairs to where she had been headed, ready to negotiation over Tony's newest array of damages.
Tony heard her put her charmingly sweet tone into play as she apologized to the soil covered instructor on Tony's behalf and promised to cover and needed damages.
The women whom had just gotten to their feet were already forming a semi circle of disproving or hateful looks at Pepper and casting glances at Tony now shifting uncomfortably just outside looking like a guilty man-child.
Though Iron Man could take them, Tony Stark surely could not, so he remained within a safe distance from the damage, watching their moves so he could make a quick exit if need be.
Shortly after uttering a few more apologies, Pepper and Tony high tailed it back down the flight of stairs; Tony blocking the unnoticed head shaped dent in the plaster as they went-and back out into the sunlight of New York onto a busy sidewalk.
Once they were free from onlookers, Pepper rounded on Tony, " What the hell was that all about? Can't you be alone, unsupervised for one hour without breaking everything!?"
Tony offered a sheepish smile, reaching out to her stiff shoulders in attempt to calm her down but still shuffling his feet nervously and not quite meeting her burning gaze.
Unwisely, Tony decided to offer a little light humour up as a solution and tried to meet her gaze, "Well peps… I cant hardly be 'mister fix-it' if there's nothing to fix, right?" he offered.
Peppers static strawberry hair waved around her face softly in the wind and she batted it away impatiently. She wasn't forgetting or forgiving him that easily. She narrowed her eyes.
Tony continued quickly, fearing she would rip his head off any second, "Come on peps! It wasn't that bad! Remember when-" Tony paused not exactly thinking it was a good idea to remind her of previous aggravations right now.
It seemed that he'd been getting on her bad side lately and she just kept adding it to the list. He had no idea when she'd snap but he hoped he wasn't around when she did.
Stuttering slightly under her unnerving and unwavering glare, he tried once more" -well no one got hur-" realizing this situation didn't quite fit Tony rubbed his neck nervously.
Why was he so bad at this? Weren't people always telling him he never shut up? That he had a smart mouth? So where was it now? Obviously his charm and wit had not affect on Pepper. He'd known it from the start. That's why she was special.
Not knowing what else to do, Tony continued to dig his grave, unable to shut himself up like usual.
"On the plus side I, I…uh… got my daily exercise? I mean, I was really working up a storm in there you know, stretching snakes and balancing trees. In fact, im sure I've gained a good few pounds of muscle just this week from that class! Don't think I'll need that place any more…"
Pepper just folded her arms across her chest and narrowed her eyes, completely unconvinced.
She wasn't really as mad as she was projecting but she liked to see him squirm. He didn't do it often but when he did she didn't exactly make it easy for him.
After the amount of stress he put her through she felt justified to take liberty and her own form of revenge once in a while.
Underneath it all, this whole yoga thing was just her hopeful tactic for getting Tony's lazy butt off his stool and away from the eye strain his computer gadgets caused him. Perhaps some exercise would do some good… Keep him preoccupied for an hour a day while she tended to 'boring but important company matters' as he'd put it. Apparently this plan was not going to work out.
Pepper's sharp eyes scrutinized her boyfriend sharply for a moment more before she decided to go easier on him. He'd learnt his lesson and she knew he was sorry, he just had a hard time of stating apologies.
At least his guilt could buy her a few more hours of discipline before he realized she was over the fiasco.
After a few more tense seconds for Tony, Pepper allowed him to see her relax a little, knowing he would translate this to partially forgiven if not forgotten.
His whole demeanour reeked of instant relief.
"Don't think you're getting off that easy Tony, i'm sure I can find some challenging replacement tasks for you to attend to instead of yoga if you're so sure you've conquered it." she challenged.
Tony perked up immediately at this. Anything was better than yoga. Anything.
"Oh most definitely! I didn't just conquer, I beat the bark off that tree, I can easily complete challenges much harder than that! Teach could barely keep up with this hero! I think he was actually jealous…that pompous prick had it in for me. You know, he-"
Pepper could see his rant coming a mile away and refused to let him distract her as he schooled a hand around her waist, turning her to walk back to their tower a couple of blocks down.
Removing his hand lightly but still walking alongside him, Pepper interrupted his train of thought, "You know, our plumbing system never did get fixed by maintenance. It's been three days now and I have a suspicious feeling that it isn't spilt milk that's causing that new smell at our suite."
Tony's face fell faster than a horse off a diving board to be replaced by a look of disgust and hurt for being dealt such an inferior job.
" You-want-me… to fix a toilet?" Tony asked dumbfounded.
"Those ancient, slime filled bowels of the building, teeming with possibly deadly bacteria and diseases and you want me, a tech genius -who could use his time to saving possibly countless innocent lives- to risk my own health over a couple of toilets!?"
She smiled at his offended stance, finding it quite cute and stared at him levelly for a second. She had to admit, he was one smooth talker, he always had plenty of relative arguments and smart ideas or comments but he wasn't getting out of this one.
" Why yes I do Tony, thank you for asking!" Pepper replied smartly, twisting his question into a statement and picking up the pace to leave him behind, stunned. An evil grin broke out on her face.
If it was possible, Tony's face fell further as he chased her steps, " Oh you did not just turn me against myself!" Tony sputtered angrily of having walked into the trap.
"-can't you just get a maid to do it? -Pepper!" he added, a poor attempt to grab her attention so he could convince her otherwise.
Pepper stubbornly refused to negotiate or back down. She had a new, relatively large bruise on her head and a yoga class to pay for and repair. He was not getting out of this.
"You were the one who wanted a harder challenge remember, mister fix-it? ..Well this one is harder…and slimier…don't tell me a big man like Tony Stark can't handle a few cobwebs and a little slime?"
Tony gritted his teeth to hold back his horror and disgust of the situation. He hardly liked to shake hands or hug let alone stoop to fixing nauseating sewage pipes and blockages.
Tony knew he was doomed but still forged ahead, trying to show a confident face, " You do know im iron man right? I can fix a freaking toilet, hell I build machines!"
Pepper gave a devilish grin, she knew now she'd won. Tony's pride just wouldn't allow him to escape backing down from this task now…and judging by the sad gleam in his eyes, he knew it too.
Pepper gave her boyfriend a small peck on the cheek and showed him her bright white smile, partially out of spite, partially glad it was finally going to get fixed.
"Great! Thanks hon! I'll see you in an hour or two then okay? Let me know when you've fixed it!" and she quickly walked off into the bustling crowds leaving her stunned man-child of a boyfriend behind her.
Tony realized that he had concluded his perception of yoga much too soon. " Anything was better than yoga" didn't seem so truthful any more.
His face grim, he slowly set off at a grudging pace towards his tower hating the task ahead, a crappy Saturday indeed.
The End
-hope you liked it-
Please r & r!