Roomraiders, FMA
The viewers hear a female voice. "Hey, I'm Laura. I'm a sexy 17 year old lookin' for love! I'm a princess, and deserve to be treated as such. So, I'm going to go on a date with one of you, but I don't get to see or speak to you – I choose you based just on whether I like what's in your room or not. Let's get this show on the road!" The viewer hears a male voice.
"Hey, I'm Roy Mustang, I'm 18, and I'm a playa through and through! What can I say; I can't keep the ladies off me! I'm totally studly, I like alchemy, playa-pimpin', and I can always dig on a little miniskirt action!"
The camera cuts to a shot of a very lovely teenage boy, and we hear another male voice.
"I'm Ed Elric, I'm 17 and I really dig alchemy- and I can do it without a circle! I'm really close to my brother Al, and my childhood friend, Winry- she's a kickass mechanic! I like traveling, and I HATE milk!"
"I'm Havoc, I'm 18 and I must admit I'm not too successful with chicks. I plan on joining the military one day, and hope to meet a nice woman!"
A disembodied male voice says, "The Roomraiders team is heading for our three victims' houses - by catching them off guard, they won't have time to hide anything, or clean up. All photos of them have been removed to keep their identities secret."
The van drives up to a big white house, in a rich looking neighborhood.
A man runs up the door, and pounds on it, shouting "This is Roomraiders, open up!"
Roy answers the door, naked, wrapped in a sheet, holding it up with one hand while rubbing his eyes with the other.
"Are you Roy?"
"Yeah, that's me."
Roy gets dragged out to the van in his sheet, and it falls, giving us a blurred shot of ...um...Lil' Roy. He gets in the van.
Next, the van drives to a little brown house in the outer suburbs and the guy in the jumpsuit runs up to the door.
"This is Roomraiders, open up!" He is answered by Granny Pinako, who says
"And who might you be?"
"This is Roomraiders, is Ed home?"
"Yes, he's in his room."
He pushes past Pinako all the way towards Ed's room, where Ed sits fully clothed in his black muscle shirt, black pants, and (sexy) braid, on his bed pondering questions of life, death, and eternity.
The man grabs him by his automail arm and drags him outside to the van, where we see Roy moving his hands in an odd rhythm underneath his sheet-
"What? I had an itch - "
"Yeah, sure man, whateeeeeever you say," retorts Ed.
The van drives up to a little two story brick house, and the man runs up and pounds on the door-
"Roomraiders! Open Up!"
The door opens, and we see Jean Havoc in the doorway in blue boxer shorts, and pink bunny slippers, with really messed up blonde hair.
Sleepily, Havoc says, "Yeah, what is it?"
"This is Roomraiders. Are you Jean Havoc?"
"Yeah, what's it to ya?"
Havoc is grabbed by his arm and very forcibly dragged to the van, where Roy and Ed are arguing, as they usually do.
"HEY, quit calling me SHORT!"
"Come on, buddy, we've all got to face the truth sometime!"
Ed transmutes Roy's lips together, and Roy snaps his fingers, setting fire to Ed's hair. Ed steals Roy's sheet to put out the flames, and unseals Roy's lips, but sits there pouting and refuses to transmute something Roy can wear to cover himself. Roy shrugs it off, and sits there with his blurred junk hanging out as if he didn't care at all, which he didn't.
Havoc, hoping to break the ice, says, "So, what about this chick, huh? I hope she's hot!"
Ed still sits there with his arms crossed, muttering-
"I am NOT that short... just cause you people are from some desert tribe of giants or something...WHO ARE YOU CALLING SHORTY? A MIDGET? A SPECK SO INSIGNIFICANT YOU'D NEED TO LOOK AT ME THROUGH A MICROSCOPE JUST TO SEE ME!" He shouted at Havoc, who was just minding his own business, and was justifiably scared at the severe reaction Ed would have at ANY mention of his height.
"UM... Sorry? I won't call you short, I promise (under his breath- I'm too SCARED to)! " And we zoom in on the teenage piece of eye candy looking for a date.
"Hey, boys, I'm Laura!"
The van is filled with catcalls, whistles, and an "I'd hit that!" or two, as the 5'7", curvy brunette with a fake tan fills the screen, and starts talking.
"I'm going to choose one of you to go on a date with, but, as you all know, I can't see or speak to any of you before I choose. Let's get on to the first house, shall we?"
The screen is filled with a two-story brick house, and we hear Havoc saying- "Crap that's my house!".
"Wow, this seems like a nice little house! It's in a nice neighborhood. Hmmm… I don't think we could afford this on our own- do we still live with Mommy and Daddy?"
"Yeah I live with Mom and Dad, 18 is not THAT old to still live with your parents… right?"
"So, let's go inside, shall we?"
Laura leads us inside with some jump-suited men and is met with a cherry wood dinette set, a recliner, and some off white carpet. In the recliner is a middle-aged woman, watching TV.
"Hi, I'm Laura. Could you show me where Jean's room is?"
"Just down the hall."
"Thanks!"
"So, your mom sure seems nice...Okay, the moment of truth (The video is slowed down to a slow pace which quickly returns to normal)! Oh, so it seems you keep your room pretty clean- let's see what my spy kit has to say about THAT!"
She takes out her black light-
"Let's see just how clean you keep your sheets!"
She brandishes the black light, and sees a couple white stains-"Oh, what do we have here?"
"Dude that's a bleach mark!"
Resound Roy and Ed together, "Yeah right, dude, you are sooooo busted!"
"MmmHmm, I think that's enough of THAT!"
She stands up and walks to his computer and says-
"Lets see what's in your computer, huh?"
She pops out the disc, and sees it's a... PC game. "Good, I'm glad you don't have porn on here- that's so gross when guys watch that! So, you pass that test, anyways."
"What?! She's got a problem with PORN?!" exclaims Roy.
She walks to his closet-
"Ooh, I like a guy with style."
She opens the closet and sees his Halloween costume: a mullet wig, ripped t-shirt that said WHO FARTED? And a pair of super short cut-off denim cutoff shorts with strings hanging down.
"Ha-ha! Okay, I'm guessing, and hoping that this is your Halloween costume. I like a guy with a sense of humor!"She takes the wig out if the closet and puts it on.
"Sorry, honey, I'm sure this looked good on you, but it looks better on me!
Shouts Roy, " I've never seen a mullet look so sexy before!"
Ed, still pouting, says, "Yeah, well, I GUESS she's alright lookin'..."
"That costume really does look better on her than on me."
Laura is walking to desk, sees military brochures, and picks them up-
"Oh, so I see you wanna join the military someday! That's very attractive- I just love a man in uniform! Well, I think that's enough of that room- onto room 2!"
(To camera) "What I like about that room was how clean it was, and I really like that he's joining the military someday. So, let's get onto room 2!" The show cuts to a commercial break, where we see ads for Proactive by Jessica Simpson (who needs to be shot in the face), some new Mtv show, and an ad for someone' s new album who we don't care about. "Welcome back to Roomraiders, FMA. Laura has just finished her first room, and is moving on to her second."
Says Laura, "Hey again, boys!"
"Hellooooooooo!"
"Come on, Mustang. You're just horny!" says Ed.
"You say that as if it were a bad thing!"
"Whatever…"
"Well, the last room went pretty well I think, so let's get started on the next one!"
We then see the nice white house in the rich neighborhood, where Laura is opening the door. She is met with white furniture, a cute little dining room, and a fancy living room with a large cushy couch.
"Wow," says Laura, "Your house is pretty nice. I hope your room is as nice."
She walks to the end of the hallway, magically knowing just which room is Roy's, and opens it dramatically.
She sees a computer, a bed with a navy blue bedspread, and white carpet. On the walls are posters of Carmen Electra, Pamela Anderson, and other plastic women men inexplicably find sexy. A further sweep of the room reveals an open, nearly empty packet of Magnums on the nightstand. Laura eyes this with disgust, opens her spy kit, and takes out the black light.
"This room seems like a pretty good candidate for the black light test."
"Oh, snap!" exclaims Roy.
Laura turns on the black light, turns out the overhead light, and is shocked to find the room as bright as when the overhead light was on. The navy blue bedspread is glowing, and so are the computer keys. Laura quickly turns the light on in disgust.
"Oh, ew, ew, ew! I am soooooo grossed out right now!"
The camera cuts to the van where Ed and Havoc are laughing hysterically, while Roy is sitting with his head in his hands, looking rightfully embarrassed.
"Aw, man, Mustang, you are soooooo… busted! So…busted!" Ed is doubled over laughing, laughing so hard you can't even hear him.
"Oh, man!" says Havoc, happy to finally get a word in edgewise.
Ed can barely finish a sentence, he's laughing so hard.
"I'm almost too scared to finish this room, but I've got to have something else to go on, so, Here goes!" She says as she braves the terrain that is potentially Roy's online porn collection.
She puts on the latex gloves, then the cotton gloves, then she wraps plastic Baggies around her arms, and then she grabs some oven mitts she doesn't think anyone will miss, and makes the final decision that she is, in fact, going to look at his computer.
"I'm almost too frightened to, but I've got to see what's on your computer, so, wish me luck!" She walks to the computer, maximizes the image, and is immediately sorry she did. All we get to see at home is a blurred image with an X-rated over it, and we hear grunting, moaning, and more hysterical laughter from Ed and Havoc, who are having the most fun they've ever had. Seriously. There was something so satisfying about seeing Roy's shame.
"Hahahahahahahahah! Ahahahahhh! Hahahah! Oh my god, that's so flippin' hilarious!" Ed is amazed and amused by the sights he has witnessed this day. He cannot hold what little composure he had left together, and was doubled up laughing so hard you couldn't even hear him.
Havoc is the same.
"OKAY! EW EW EW EW EW EW EW EW Ew!That is enough! I'm leaving NOW! UGGH! Words can't BEGIN to describe how grossed out I am right now! I'm leaving, and I'm burning these clothes when I get home! And these oven mitts!"
Laura stomps out of Roy's room, desperately scooping her Purex out of her pocket, and rubs a huge gob of it into her hands, and she scrubs her hands, her forearms, any exposed skin she felt had been contaminated, which was ALL her exposed skin. After a straight quarter hour of Purexing herself, she finally felt clean enough to go on.
"Alright, I suppose it's time for room 3 now. There's no WAY it could be as bad as room 2. Uuuuuuggghhhhhhhh! Shivers YUCK! Okay, I'm…somewhat…over it now. Room 3!"
So, the van pulls up to Ed's house, and when Laura got to the door, she was greeted not by Granny Pinako, but by a tall, blonde, vicious teenage female mechanic we all know (and mostly hate) as Winry. Winry is curious as to why Laura is there, and very politely inquires about it.
"Who are you? What the hell are you doing here?"
"Well, I'm Laura, and I'm here for Ed, and that show Roomraiders-"
"WHAT! ED IS ON A TV SHOW AND HE DIDN'T TELL ME! HE NEVER TELLS ME ANYTHING! HE IS SO GETTING THE WRENCH WHEN HE GETS HOME!"
By now, Laura has very successfully sneaked (yes, that's proper) past Winry in her crazed (as usual) state, and magically found Ed's room. The camera does that cool slow down-speed up deal, and we are finally inside Ed's bedroom (YESSSS!). On the wall are not posters of women (maybe the yaoi fans are onto something?) but large posters of transmutation circles for varying purposes. He has blue bed sheets on a twin size bed (like mine, ha ha), a dresser, a desk, and a nightstand. On his desk is Dr. Tim Marco's Making Magic in the Kitchen (some of you get it), multiple alchemical textbooks, and also (oh, you're gonna love this) a book of height adding stretches, along with a bottle of height adding vitamins (I actually saw this on Roomraiders, and it was the inspiration!).
"Are we a bit on the short side?"
By now, Ed has had enough. He shouts, "I'M NOT SHORT! I'M JUST UNUSUALLY NOT TALL!" He has pulled himself into a fetal position, sucking his thumb and started crying. By now, Roy and Jean have decided it IS best not to mention his height, or lack thereof, anymore, in any sort of teasing manner.
So, now Laura has had time to go through Ed's personal belongings, and has found a picture of Ed shirtless (yippee!), possibly taken by Winry (maybe she's not so crazy).
Ed's rippling muscles, washboard stomach, huge biceps of course enthrall Laura, and his flowing blonde hair…. Sorry. Got a little carried away there wipes drool off chin. I think I may have made my point.
"Wow, is this you? You might be short, but, damn, you fine!"
(When they said pictures were removed, they really meant ruining them with little round stickers on the faces.)
Ed perks up a little at this point. At least he's taken his thumb out of his mouth and stopped crying, though he maintains his fetal position (I could make him feel better, hint-hint nudge).
Laura has also found some old pieces of chalk and small toys in a small bin, and wonders how they came about.
"Did you transmute these? They're really good!"
Ed's ego has taken a healthy dose of stroking at this point, and he finally relinquishes his fetal position. Roy's nakedness is resting his forehead in his palms, and still slightly embarrassed. Thus far, Jean Havoc has gotten out pretty much unscathed, and is pretty relaxed.
"I'm not sure I need to, but here goes the black light test."
She turns off the light and on the black light, and gets a couple of white stains, but it's no big deal. She doesn't bother to check his computer for porn, but is confident he would have passed, which he would have.
"Okay, you boys have given me a lot to think about today, so, I'll meet you back at my house for a little pow-wow! Later, boys!"
To Be Continued...