How many times have we done this before? I've lost count now. Leaning up against a tree, fag in his mouth, was Yamato, staring out towards the river, watching the waves go by and drift off into forever, not caring about time. The only thing that mattered to us was each other; the fact that we were close, together, and safe. Stealing another glance at my lover, I thought about how beautiful he looked today in front of me, wearing a casual black tank top, tight fitting jeans, and his usual stylish pair of green converse high-tops. Those shoes reminded me of the time when we met for the very first time.

As my mind wandered I started thinking about that fateful day in junior high, and I was suddenly standing in the cafeteria, staring at a particularly handsome blond kid that was sitting against the wall and eating lunch alone. I myself had eaten alone for far too long, and I didn't want to let this kid suffer the same fate. He must've been new here since I hadn't seen him before in the two years I had already spent here at school.

I walked up to him, noticing his converse shoes as I approached. I leaned up against the wall and blurted out, "You know, converse looks especially ugly; must be the worst type of shoe invented." I paused and looked thoughtfully at him for a moment before saying, "And yet somehow you make them look dead sexy." Flashing him a quick smile, I continued on. "I'm Tai by the way, well Taichi, but just call me Tai. Can you come with me? I need some help with something; it shouldn't take long." This was a complete lie, but at the time I thought he was probably a shy kid like I had been. The kind that wouldn't go off with a stranger, even with a standing invitation, unless someone asked for their help. Turns out I was quite right. He hesitated for a brief moment before he got up, nodded, and followed behind me. I was starting to wonder if he was a mute or if I was just talking so much that I didn't give him a moment to say anything.

I led him to my table and told him, "Now the problem is that my friends here are all boring, but you look interesting enough so why don't you join us for lunch? This here is Sora; she's more like a guy in personality than a girl." I said making a tactless jab at her, "That's Koushirou; Koushi is one of them smarties and knows more about computers than any adult I've ever know. Over there is Mimi." I leaned in closer and whispered in Yamato's ear, "Don't fall for her, she's more trouble than she's worth most of the time."

"Hey, no talking about me behind my back or I'll have your ear mister!"

"See what I mean?" I chuckled and continued on, "The last one here is Joe, he's a hopeless worrywart but he knows his stuff and comes through when ya need him." Looking directly at him now, I smiled and finished the introductions. "And, as you know, I'm Tai. Soccer superstar deluxe with a winning streak nobody can break!"

"Nobody can break his ego either." Sora remarked with a dramatic sigh and shake of her head. Everyone laughed, myself included. I even saw Yamato crack a smile too.

"So then," I said taking my chair and gesturing for him to do the same. "Why don't you sit down, join us, and tell us about yourself?"

Drifting away again, I faded out of that scene and into one in which I promptly slipped and fell on my ass, with Yamato staring down laughing at me, not concerned in the slightest. "Hey, it's not my fault my parents never took me out ice skating! Maybe once summer rolls around we should go swimming, eh Yama?" I smiled, knowing I had won when I received the '1,000 YEARS OF PAIN AND AGONY UPON YOU!' look from him. You see, not many people know this, but Yamato can't actually swim. It's something I've been using against him for years now, pressing my luck and getting away with it every time… until now. Holding out his hand to help me up, I grabbed it, and right when I was halfway up and totally dependent on him for support, his glove conveniently "slipped" off and I landed yet again with my ass on the cold ice floor. "Damnit Yama! Now why did ya have to go and be so much like me?" I smirked at him as he held out his hand again for me; we were even now, so I took it with confidence and he pulled me up again. Then we were off.

As we skated together around the rink, holding hands and enjoying each others company, I moved closer to him and put my arms around his torso. I shifted my stance so that my legs fit between his and he could pull me along the ice while I leaned my head in the crook of his neck.

"You've gotten taller, I think."

"No, you've just shrunk is all, Chi." Pinching his side as retribution, I continued on.

"Let's head off the ice for a bit. I want to sit down."

"Really? But you've been sitting nearly the whole time since we got here. You just keep plopping down on the ice with me yanking you up every 5 seconds."

"You like it." I whispered in his ear before shifting slightly to lay a kiss on his jaw line just below his ear. "Being able to take care of me."

"You're right; I wouldn't want to spend my time doing anything else."

While that was a happy memory, it made me enormously sad to think about the events that happened afterward. As my thoughts shifted again, they took me to a much worse recollection.

Disdain: the single emotion I feel when I see him like this. Lying about and wasting away while the horrible smell of a rotting home and a dirty Yama intermingled to produce the foul odor that I remember all too vividly. Sometimes I forget how he got this way; it seemed to have happened so suddenly, and yet taken so long. It could have been a day, weeks, or even years since it had all started. Yamato had felt that he was under enormous pressure by everyone in his life to simply be the best at everything. He didn't want to disappoint the fans of his music, his father with his schoolwork and activities, and he didn't want to lose his part time job, even with his asshole boss continually riding him to get things done. He told me later that, if he failed, the shame would be so great that he wouldn't have been able to face anyone ever again. So naturally he needed an escape every now and again to forget some of that stress, but he could never find the time for a break. So, instead of a road trip, or a spa retreat, he turned to drugs. Simple, quick, effective, and reliable. But also quite destructive.

To him, the world had suddenly become a much warmer and pleasant place, but to everyone around him that cared, it had become terribly dark and scary. Nobody ever came to see him anymore except for me, and even I was beginning to lose the faith that I would ever get my Yama back. Lucky, what little faith I had was rewarded when I gave up on it completely.

I told Yamato that I was leaving him because I couldn't bear to see him like that. I caught him at one of the rare moments that he was clean and sober when I broke it off, and once I started saying those things to him, it finally dawned on him that he had been hurting everyone around him, especially himself, if I was also going to leave him like everyone else had. He went cold turkey straightaway after that except for his cigarettes, one of which was always hanging from his mouth, or in a pack stowed away in his pocket.

Most of his friends started coming back, one by one, as they noticed him changing back to his old self, which was something he was very grateful for, and it helped him to overcome his addiction (a rather unpleasant process). At times, as he was withdrawing, he couldn't keep himself from screaming out from the frustration of it all. I would just hold him until he was calm again and try to take his mind off of his body with a story of something I did that day or something that I would completely make up on the spot.

Wishing desperately to think of happier things I remembered the conversation between Takeru (Yamato's brother), Yama, and myself that jumpstarted Yamato and my coming out.

"OH MY GOD, WOULD YOU GUYS JUST DO IT AND GET IT OVER WITH?!" This was TK screaming at us in the middle of some chick flick that Yama and I had picked out, simply because we knew that he hated them. We thought it was dark enough that he wouldn't be able to see us holding each others' hand between us, but apparently he had. "I mean, if you two don't even realize that you like each other that much when even Mimi does, for god's sake, then you guys are seriously in denial!"

Yamato, though I'm sure he was blushing, was cool and collected throughout the conversation, as usual, and tried to throw his brother off our scent. "Well, I suppose we could start now, but I'm sure things would get a little awkward for you, now wouldn't they?" Takeru wasn't one to give up that easily.

"Like it would make any difference, with you guys practically groping at each other at every turn. You know, that place in the cafeteria between the wall and the janitor's door isn't as concealed as you two may think." That had me blushing what I'm sure was a very bright shade of blood red, as we did indeed cuddle there together during lunch hours.

"And if we do like each other, why is it that you care so much? Hmm TK? You jealous of me for having Tai? Maybe you're the one that has the crush yea?"

"AHA!!! So you admit it!!! You DO like Tai!" Takeru yelled, grinning ear to ear and doing his usual smug victory dance (if you can call convulsing like you're doing the worm while standing up dancing). He pointed a finger directly at Yama, saying, "Okay, then kiss your lover for your brother as a reward for finally getting you to admit your undying love!"

"If you insist…" Yama said rolling his eyes, standing, and pulling me up with him before dramatically tilting me towards the floor in his arms and closing his lips around mine in a passionate, on the verge of dirty, kiss.

"Well geez, I didn't mean for you to get so into it. I mean, save some for tonight!"

"Just cuz I'm your bro doesn't mean I blow my wad on a single kiss like you do. Anyways today is Tuesday. We only do it on Thursday nights."

"ARE YOU SERIOUS?!?! You have a day?! But, that's the day you go over to Tai's house… and his parents aren't there and… EWIEEEE!! Why did you have to make me think of that?!"

"Gosh I'm just kidding. Kids these days have such overactive imaginations, eh Tai?"

"I'm pretty sure that it's only Takeru who could think so many perverted thoughts in such a short amount of time and actually believe that every last one of them is true."

"Well after that display I have no doubts about how far you two get."

There was a clack and I sat bolt upright. I looked around for the source and saw a punk rock wristband with silver metal studs that had fallen on my wooden floor. "That's Yamato's… what is it doing here? Oh god no, NO, NO, NO, NOOO! He can't be gone; I won't let him be gone. I won't let him! Why is he gone?!"

I first feel the rush of tears streaming down my face and then the comforting arms of my sister. She must have heard my sudden outburst and crying from the top bunk. "He's not gone Kari, he's not gone, he's not gone, he's not… not…" The rest of my words were lost in my sobbing as I let loose more tears.

"I know Tai, I'm here, and I'm not going to leave you now, ok? I'm still right here." She sounded as though she was crying as well as she held me there for a solid 30 minutes before deeming me calmed down enough to let go of me and let me sit on my own. "It's going to be all right Tai; things are going to be fine."

"How can things be fine? Yamato's dead. THINGS CANNOT BE FINE LIKE THIS!!"

~This chapter made possible by Secondhand Serenade for their song Fall for You and also by The Fray for their song You Found Me which both make me think of fan fiction and strong emotions at the same time. The perfect combo for making me want to write.~