Author's Note: Another badfic, you say? This snark will pick apart the lulz that this badfic contains. Be warned that this particular badfic contains bad language and sex scenes. My snarking buddy will appear later.
AN hey guys this is the new improved verson of my story, hope its better this time! (Last time I checked, it's not improved at all.) btw i am young and have dyslexia i find spellin hard (A poor excuse for people who can't spell.) but its meant2 be unformal (I think you meant informal.) ok ! no critisism pls! (Constructive criticism can help you.) tis story goes out 2 my bf zac(kisses!) (You must have some weird make-out sessions going on.) amd my besfreind Tiffi (I have a terrifying feeling that we'll see her later in the story.) LOVE YA GRRRL! EDWARD IS OUR GODD!(we wanna SEX him gud!) (Oh, boy...) love &blood becky mac! xxx x x xx
UPDATE: I have a proofreader and I have cleaned up the spelling and grammer on this chaptor a hell of a lot as you will see (thank u vickie!) i will be imrpoving the next chaptors soon. (Your beta reader sucks at proofreading.)
Altantiana
Hey, my names Atlantiana Rebekah Loren (but everyone calls me Tiana or just plain Tiaa). (Your name is overly long.) I am a 16 year old girl (Because all girls have to have their super sweet 16.) and I live in Forks, Washington! My hair is long and pale like spun gold (Isn't it a little easier to just say blond?) and skims to my waist like a pale shimmering amber mist. My eyes are deep forgetminot blue (We must not forget that her eyes are blue.) and my delicate fentures (You meant features. Because fentures isn't even a word.) are lilly white and pure as the winter snow in moonlight.I've been told by loads of sleazy, ugly, guys (Not all guys are like that.) that I'm real pretty and look like a model or a bunny girl (some of the guys who like me are really old and try to make opt with me its disgusting and weird!) but basically a lot of the girls I meet tell a different story. They say I'm too ivory white and ethereal (How can you be ivory white and ethereal at the same time?) and too skinny and that I look anorexic (Anorexic girls don't look like you.) which i don't care about, but I think its seriously disrespectful to people with REAL eating disorders (btw i'm so totally not anorexic! I eat loads I just never gain weight and I'm not thin enough to be anorexic (anyways, I think they were just being BIATCHES especially this one ratty brain called Ellie Mayfair (I surmise that this person must've hurt your feelings.) who I hope freaking DIES in PAIN with SHIT (Now, now. That's not a thing to say.) ON HER FACE! Sorry, I'm not really such a batch (You were a batch of cookies?) but she is SO horrible if you met her you'd think the same!)
Anyways I am quite tall and slim (Not all women are tall. Just look at my mother.) and but with really big boobs (If you're skinny, you have to have boobs that correspond with your size. It's impossible to have big boobs on a skinny body!) that I used to HATE because they look noticeable on my slender body and draw to much attention but now i like them and don't care who stares at me! I have a lip ring and recently put black and indigo and magenta streaks in my long pale blond hair. I smell like mint and cinnamon. (Ugh... Costume porn galore.) I wear mostly black and hot pink, deep purple and neon blue and listen to COOL music! (If you say that you listen to my music, you are sorely mistaken.)
It is my first day at school in forks as I just moved here to live with new foster parents Dave and Marie (How did you become an orphan?). They are nice and all very hole somesweet people (Either it's a sex joke, or she misspelled wholesome.) but it is not like having a real family. I've been hurt to many times to let people close to me and I don't talk to them very much. My real mom died when I was born (She must've died from your Mary Sueness.) and I never knew my real dad. I sometimes wonder what he is like and if I will ever get to met him. (Your father must've left you.) Dave gave me a ride to school and I smiled faintly as he wished me good luck and I got out of the car and went into the school. (Run-on sentence alert! Call the Fanfiction police!) Loads of people freaking stared at me (Well, of course they would stare at you.) as I walked down the hall. I was wearing tight black leather pants with silver chains at the waste and a red fishnet-like top and you could see my black lacy bra through it. (You dress like a hooker.) I ignored whispers and the big pink cheerleader imbosils (Cheerleader imbosils? Isn't it supposed to be imbeciles?) pointing at me. I was used to it and I paid no at-tension (What the fudge is at-tension?) to the guys asking desperately for my number(like hell I'd even LOOK at the horny little donkeys!) (Not all guys are horny. Most of them are pretty nice to you.) and told a ditsy blond cheerleader called Jessica to STFU(!) (Don't put chatspeak in the story!) when she called me a freak! Next time she tries anything I'll hit her in the eye (I don't think you should do that.) cause NO ONE messes with me nemore! My first day I was relay board (You're on a relay race.), I sat gazing out of the window into the gray cloud-embittered sky (Purple prose burns my eyes.) for most of the morning, My teachers all looked at me disprovablebut said nothing cause they probably new I was a foster kid and a Gothic and didn't want to upset me in case I cut them up as they slept,. (That's very sadistic of you. I would never do that to a teacher.)
My ears are pierced four times, I have a tattoo of a scorpion(like S my birth-sign!) on my ankle (You're supposed to be eighteen to get a tattoo.) and a Gothic cross on my shoulder, and on my hand i have a weird birthmark in the shape of a seven-pointed star (The hexagram of doom.) that I've had all my life. Your probably wandering why I'm bothering to tell you this, well I tell you now I am no ordinary sixteen year old girl (Oh goody, she's going to tell us a secret.). I have a secret, a dark and forbidden secret witch (You have a witch?) I am only just beginning to understand. When I sleep I hear whispers in another language (It's probably French you're hearing.) and even though I understand them at the time, when I wake up i can't remember it! I also see weird faces in my dreams (A trollface.) that fade to nothingness when I open my eyes and I swear out the corner of my eye my birthmark glows shocking bright gold and gets relay hot sometimes (Birthmarks are not magical.) but when I look properly it is back to normal boarding scar-color! I am really gracefull like the running anti-lopes (I think you meant antelopes.) when I run very fast and am stronger and faster than most people. I used to just think i was relay athletic but now I'm not so sure, I think there might be something else at work, something so much more mysterious and eeire. (I don't see what's mysterious about it.) The truth hovers so softly on the brink of my memory sometimes but if only i could remember the weird things that clung to the edge of my mind as I slept!
At lunch I sat alone in the corner and scanned the cafeteria quietly with my eyes smoldering dark blue beheath my long black lashes and my slim thighs curled under (How can your thighs curl?) was the n I noticed an unbelievably jaw-droopingly hawt HAWT HAAAAAAAAWT (Don't forget how sparkly he is.) dude with tusseted blondey-brown hair, golden yellow eyes like wells of hot caramel and pale sexy features. (It's Justin Bieber.) He was tall and musseland looked like he was wearing eyeliner (He's wearing guyliner. Wonderful.) and my body got hot and coldall at once (Is this your idea of an erection?) as I looked at him. I'd never felt this way about anyone before and I'd totally never felt this weird feeling that I'd met someone before but I had no idea where and i knew it was impassible (Impossibru!) because I'd freaking remember someone THAT hawt! (You want to know who's hot? My hubby, Chrom from FE:A.) A girl sat next to him with long brown hair with her arms dripped over him like a freaking flesh-eating plant (But, flesh-eating plants don't have arms.) so i thought well whatevah, hes taken. She wasn't nearly as hawt as he was (You only care about looks.), she wasn't ugly though. I figured I was maybe prettier then her. (All lies.) I never really saw myself as beautiful but i'd guessed from thinks others had said, plus this girl wasn't great looking (You're egotistical.) but anyways I'd never try to pilchwith another girls' BF cause thats just low. (Then, why do you think Eddiekins is hot and you lust after him?) So I got up to leave the hall thinking I'd go and smoke some bald drugs (My Immortal references. Hooray.) in the locker room while no one was there. As I waked over to he exit I couldn't help but notice the hawt pale guys musky eyes (His eyes give off a smell.) as they met mine. I locked away hurriedly. I smocked dope in the locker room for a bit then I wondered to my next class. I bumped into someone in the corridor and my bocks fell everywhere! FRICK! FRICK! FRIIIICKK! (You can't even curse.)
"WTF!" I screamed loudly, "watch where your FREAKING going you asshole!" (i have anger problems) (Seriously, why are you saying it when you're not showing it?)
"I'm so so sorry" he said in a voice like wet heaven "please forgive me my lady" (Oh, great. He's old-fashioned.)
It was the hawt pale guy! (Is it a vampire?)
This was horrible. The terrible grammar and spelling makes me mad. There will more of this later on, so get ready for some more misspelled words and atrocious grammar.