Chapter One

"Luke… You've been really quiet all evening… We've done this quite a few times. But you've never just straight up not said anything… What's wrong? Are you having second thoughts about this?" Sam asked. To him, it had only ever been sex. They were friends, but never anything more. He wasn't ashamed of what they were doing. It just never meant anything to him, at least he didn't think it did. So what Luke would say next shocked him.

"I… No, of course not. I-it was amazing like always."

"You're lying. Did I do something wrong? Did I hurt you? I'm sorry if I did." Sam asked.

"I don't wanna talk about it, brah!" Luke snapped, shaking Sam's hand off his shoulder. Sam raised an eyebrow. He shrugged, pulling his shirt back on and heading to the door.

"'Kay. See ya tomorrow at school, bro." He said, being deliberately distant.

"No! Wait!" Luke called. Sam turned around.

"Yeah? What's wrong, Luke. You're never this distracted. These little rendezvous' are some of the only things you pay as much attention to as your music. What the hell is going on?"
"I love you, Sam… I… I just haven't had the courage to tell you until now. I… Will you go out with me?" Luke asked, looking hopefully at Sam, who was stunned into silence for a moment.

If he had been expecting anything, it hadn't been that. He and Luke had both made their intentions very obvious from the beginning. They were best friends who had one night together and decided they liked it and wanted to keep going with it. It wasn't supposed to mean anything. They would still be friends, but they would never be boyfriends. It just wasn't like that. Luke had a girlfriend briefly, even while he and Sam were still doing what they were doing.

Neither of them held it against the other. Romance and love were one thing. Neither of those things were what he and Luke had together. It was a casual affair as Panic! At the Disco would say. And Sam had always been sure he wasn't gay. It was entirely casual. They even joked around with each other, wondering which one of them was the girl. What could be serious in a 'relationship' like that?

What exactly he would call himself, he didn't know. He tried not to get hung up on labels since he felt that cheapened things. His parents had always been very liberal… Practically socialists. Hippies in the 1960s and their liberal beliefs never changed. After a while, he realized he had been holding his breath and tears were filling his eyes.

He knew how much this was going to hurt Luke, and Luke was the last person he ever wanted to hurt. He did love Luke, but as a friend… Right? They were nothing more than friends.
"Luke… I-I can't… And you can't either. I just don't feel that way about you…" So why was he crying when he said that? If what they were doing meant nothing, why did his heart feel like it was simultaneously leaping and being ripped from his chest?

"But…"
"No… It… It was only ever supposed to be sex… Why… How could you fall for me? There was never anything between us… We're friends. That's all we are! Best friends, sex friends, Bandmates We were never boyfriends… It was never supposed to mean anything to us! It doesn't mean anything to me! Why does it mean something to you?" Sam demanded angrily, seeming like he was trying to justify himself now.

"Why are you crying, then?" Luke asked. Sam gasped. The one question he didn't want to have to answer.

"Because I never meant for this to happen! Damnit, Luke! I never wanted to hurt you! But I know that leading you on would only hurt you worse in the end! I-I'm leaving! Find your own damn way home!" Sam shouted angrily, storming out of the room, leaving Luke upset and confused.

If not love, what were his feelings for Sam? Sam was such a great guy. He and Luke had been best friends almost since they met in middle school. It wasn't until high school that their relationship became like this. They had an impulsive night together after a concert and decided they wanted to keep it going. They had agreed that it was never supposed to mean anything. But then why did Luke's heart hurt so much now?

He would normally walk home. He just didn't have the energy though. He picked up his cell phone.

"Hey… Loki…" Luke muttered.

"Yeah… You literally better have a great reason for interrupting my conversation with Bebe!" Loki snapped. Luke sighed.

"I guess not. Never mind. S-sorry I bothered you." The young rocker whispered, his voice breaking with tears even as he apologized, feelings of inadequacy beginning to overwhelm him.

"No… W-what's wrong, Luke? You sound like you just got hit by a train."

"C-can you come pick me up? I guess I got lost and I'm kind of far from home to walk."

"Yeah… Sure. Where are you?"

"I'm standing outside the Shady Hills Hotel."

"Okay… I'll be there in about ten minutes." Loki said, hanging up. Luke nodded to himself and finished getting ready to go, putting all his stuff away and checking out, standing outside under the streetlight so that Loki would see him.

Finally, Loki showed up in Vanzilla after what felt like forever and Luke dragged himself over to the van, getting in and dumping his guitar and other stuff uncharacteristically roughly in the back.

"Alright, bro… What's wrong?" Loki asked. "You literally look like you were kicked out of your band or something. What's goin' on?" Luke's oldest brother asked.

"You wouldn't understand."

"Dumped by a girl?"

"No…"

"Tried asking her out and she said no?" Loki asked. Luke gasped, tears flooding his eyes. He felt sick. What had he done? Why would he ruin a good thing just because he couldn't control himself? Just because he had to be honest and tell Sam how he felt? He couldn't have just left well enough alone.

"Who were you here with? You didn't get lost. This isn't even close to on your way home." Loki said.

"I… Sam…"

"Your friend, Sam? I didn't know you were gay, Luke…"

"Is that a problem?" Luke asked angrily, not really in the mood to be mocked for who he loved.

"No, of course not. I just wonder why you never told us. We coulda helped you prepare to confess to Sam. I'm not your older brother for nothing, you know. I literally have done this a few times" Loki said, pulling over and hugging Luke.

"It'll be alright. Everyone gets rejected sometimes, even people as awesome as you."

"It's not that he rejected me, though. We've been sleeping together for over a year now! A-at first it was just convenient. We kinda went too far after a concert one night and we decided we didn't wanna stop… So… You know, it just kinda happened… We weren't dating or anything. Nobody was getting hurt.

"But what do you do when your partner is just there because it feels good and you keep coming because he means the world to you, because you love him and want to be with him for real? But I shoulda known that it still didn't mean anything to him. I should never've opened my big mouth. Now I've ruined my friendship with him. He probably hates me now! He probably thinks I'm gross! I made things weird between us now! God, I'm so STUPID!"

"Whoa… You're not stupid… You can't control who you fall in love with. What did he even say to you that's got you like this? I've met Sam. He's really cool. He doesn't seem like someone who would put you in such a state." Loki said. Luke sighed.

"He said we were only supposed to be friends, that it wasn't ever supposed to mean anything. He said it didn't mean anything to him… But then why was he crying?

"Why did it seem like he was trying to convince himself of something? Why was he so angry at me? Was it so wrong to fall in love with him? Do I really deserve to be yelled at and berated just because I have feelings for him?" Luke asked, finally not able to control himself anymore. He finally broke down, sobbing, taking deep, gasping breaths to try to steady himself but failing miserably.

"It's alright, Luke… Look, none of us are very good at being nurturing… That's obvious from how we treat Lincoln… But that doesn't mean we don't care about each other. You didn't do anything wrong. You fell in love with him and you told him how you felt.

"I literally don't know why he reacted like he did, but if he can't even be nice to you about it, then you can literally do better than Sam. If he can't see how awesome you are, he's an idiot." Loki said, driving home and helping Luke sneak into his room so that he wouldn't have to face his family.

"DAMNIT! Why would he suddenly drop that on me! What the hell is wrong with him! Why would he just suddenly make things weird like that! WE WERE JUST FRIENDS!"

Maybe you were never just a friend to him

"That's impossible! He would've told me! We don't keep secrets from each other!" Sam snarled.

Maybe he was afraid you'd react just like you're reacting.

"Why would he think that? We've never been anything but supportive of each other! I never judged him!"

Until you confirmed his very worst fears ten minutes ago. Until you did judge him. Until you told him that he didn't mean anything to you.

"That's not what I said! I said that the sex we were having didn't mean anything!"

Maybe he doesn't draw a distinction between the two.

"That's his problem! I can't control his thoughts! I can't make him see that it was JUST SEX! It doesn't even make sense that he would think there was ever anything more!"

When does love ever make sense? Love isn't about logic. It's about how you feel for someone.

Suddenly, Sam slammed on his brakes, causing the cars behind him to blare their horns. He pulled over, tears flooding his pale blue eyes again.

"What have I done?" He gasped, a horrifying chill running down his spine at how he had treated Luke. He had singlehandedly destroyed the best friendship he had ever had.

You have to make this right. You have to go back and apologize to him. Try to understand him, rather than just denying him… Denying yourself.

"He'll never listen to me now! Not after how I treated him!"

That's not relevant. It's not about you. You have to try. You owe it to him. You don't have to return his feelings for you. But you do have to try to reconcile things.

Maybe things will never be the same between you again, but they at least don't have to be awkward.

"I know… Why am I talking to myself?"

"Hey! Get off the road!"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP BEFORE I GET OUT OF THIS CAR AND SLIT YOUR GODDAMN THROAT!" Sam roared at the man driving past him.

He sighed, starting his car up again and driving the rest of the way home.

"Hello? Loud Residence." Loki said, answering the phone after the third ring.

"Hi… Loki? It's Sam…"

"Boy you literally have a lot of nerve calling after the way you treated Luke… He doesn't want to talk to you. Do you blame him?" Loki asked, trying to convey every ounce of his contempt for the blonde boy on the other end. Sam sighed.

"No… I can't blame him. Could you at least tell Luke how sorry I am? I overreacted and said the most hurtful things I could have… But…"

"I like, literally don't wanna hear it. If you call this house again, we'll have Lynn and Lexx .down there to pay you a visit. You got me?"

"Yeah…" Sam said, hanging up. He sighed, looking at a picture of himself and Luke. It was a picture of the first concert they had gone to together. They were all decked out in their grungiest clothing, doing peace signs and sticking their tongues out at the camera. Even as tears continued to stream from his eyes, he smiled wistfully. Why couldn't things just go back to the way they were before they had been ruined with a sexual relationship?

Why did he never recognize the signs that things were escalating too much? How could he not notice Luke falling in love with him? Now that he looked back on it, all the signs were there. Luke's kisses had become more passionate, his stares conveyed so much longing and desire. His touches were gentle and felt like he was trying to put all of his emotion and passion into them. How could Sam have missed all that?

Because you were deliberately ignoring them. You didn't want to see the truth. You enjoyed the relationship for what it was and you love him too. You're just afraid to put that label on it.

"NO! I'm not in love with Luke! He's just a friend!"

Then why were you so desperate in saying so to him? Who were you trying to convince? Luke or yourself? The little voice in his head asked.

"SHUT UP! SHUT THE FUCK UP!" Sam screamed, beating himself on the head just as his older sister walked in.

"Um… Sammy?" She asked. Sam gasped, his eyes wide, shaking manically, his back hunched, looking very much like a madman.

"I… Simone… How much did you hear?"

"You screamed at yourself that you weren't in love with Luke and then told yourself to shut up. Too bad. Luke is really cute. You two'd make a great couple. What's going on?" Simone asked, sitting down next to Sam. Sam sighed.

"I really messed up tonight. You know Luke and I've been hangin' out a lot lately."

"Yeah… At least three times a week."

"We've been… having sex… We… We went too far one night after a concert. We were joking around that night and we kissed each other on a dare from a friend. They said we were so close it was like we were dating and that we should just fuck and get it over with.

"Well… It ended up happening. And we enjoyed it, so we kept doing it… It was only ever supposed to be sex… Sort of an in-joke… Everyone said we must be dating we were so close. So he and I jokingly said we had a very intense relationship." Sam said, sighing with a strange smile, caught halfway between happy memories and sadness at what the memories would most likely become.

"But we definitely agreed that it was never supposed to mean anything. Sex doesn't have to mean anything, right?" Sam asked, seeming a little desperate, looking at her like he was begging her to agree with him, to assure him that it was Luke who had made a mistake, that Sam hadn't done anything wrong.

"Whoo, boy… You've gotten yourself in really deep." Simone said, shaking her head.

"No! It was just sex! We agreed right from the beginning that it didn't mean anything! It wasn't supposed to change what we were to each other!"

"And some people believe the world is flat. That doesn't make it true. Look, Sammy… Sometimes things end up going exactly how we plan them to. Sometimes a cigar really is just a cigar and sex really is just sex. No feelings get hurt and nobody falls in love. But other times, it goes way too far and someone gets hurt. I don't know what exactly you said to Luke, but clearly you've hurt him. It doesn't have to end there, though.

"You can fix this…"

"How! I… I screamed at him! I berated him! I yelled at him and told him that our relationship didn't mean anything to me! How am I supposed to fix that? How is it possible to fix that? I'm a terrible person! I love him and…" Sam gasped, his eyes widening. "I love him…" Sam whispered. "I… I love him." Sam repeated, tears flooding his eyes again as he confirmed it to himself again.

"I didn't say it would be easy to fix things. Sometimes people say things that they can't take back. That doesn't mean what they said has to define them. Luke is hurt. Give him some time. Maybe it will all blow over. If it doesn't… Well, just take things one step at a time. You'll know what to do when the time comes." Simone said. Sam looked at Simone, a tormented look in his eyes.

"But what if I don't? What if Luke never gets over it? What if I just destroyed our friendship! Luke is so amazing! I just… I couldn't see that… I couldn't accept what I had."

"Why not?" Simone asked. Sam sighed.

"Well… I guess I just convinced myself I wasn't gay. I never had much luck with girls, but I told myself that the right one just hadn't come along.

"I'm only sixteen, after all. What do I know about love? I just told myself that Luke's and my relationship was to feel good. He touched me just righ…"
"Alright, too much information. Look, I'm fine with whoever you wanna bring home. But I don't need a play by play… Just give me the bullet points." Simone said.

"Right… Sorry. I just convinced myself that I wasn't in love with Luke and that we were friends who just happened to have sex sometimes."

"Guess what, Sammy? That means you're gay. If you're not attracted to girls and you are attracted to boys, you're gay."

"I know… I just… Didn't want to believe that because if I was gay then that meant that my sex with Luke was more than just friends messing around… And I didn't want anything to threaten our friendship. So I told myself every time we did it that it was nothing special. It felt good, he really knew what he was doing, but it wasn't love. I can't believe how stupid I was."

"You're not stupid, Sammy… You just convinced yourself that you would know if you were in love and because you had convinced yourself that you weren't, you missed the signs. You just needed to take a step back and look at the big picture. Now that you have, things are a little clearer, right?"

"Yes… But I still don't know how to fix them."

"I don't know either. That's something you'll have to figure out for yourself." Simone said, hugging Sam one last time and walking out of the room.