Screaming in the dark/I howl when we're apart/drag my teeth across your chest to taste your beating heart.
-Florence + the Machine, Howl
Aang is the Avatar. He is a monk. He is powerful and wise beyond his years. He is a teenaged boy. At the heart of it all, he is a teenaged boy, so it isn't like he doesn't notice how gorgeous his girlfriend is. He can't help but be a little proud that he managed to get a girl two years his senior at the age of only twelve, but he's feeling the age difference more now. He's sixteen and still a boy. Katara is eighteen and definitely not a girl anymore.
Those aren't a girl's hips. That isn't a girl's butt. Those aren't a girl's breasts. She's a woman now, and she wants to do things that women do, but Aang can't help but feel that, despite all the things he's done, all the power he has, he's still just a boy.
The things Katara wants…The things she wants to do with him, and her hips and her butt and her breasts are making it more and more difficult to tell her no.
He's a monk. He never expected to fall in love. He never expected to want these things, but he does. He can't tell her no forever so he's told her no until they get married. Then…then he can't say no anymore.
But the wedding is still a few months off. He can wait a few months, right? He wants to wait a few more months, right? Just four more months and they'll be married and then he doesn't have to say no anymore. He can't say no anymore.
But spirits, doesn't she look good right now? Getting dressed for the day. Wiggling into her clothes. Tidying up her hair. The sun is playing off her skin and lighting up her eyes. Doesn't she look good? Isn't she beautiful?
They sleep in the same bed every night, but nothing ever happens. Nothing can happen. Yet. Even when Aang- no, Katara wants them to.
Sometimes she roles over onto her side and kisses him. She whispers "I love you, Aang. I love you so much it hurts. Do you love me, Aang?" And she'll make that face and talk in that voice. That face that makes it hard not to do it right then and there. That voice that makes it hard not to rip off her clothes and go places that aren't safe. He'd tear out his hair, if he had any, trying to resist that face and that voice and her breasts and hips and butt.
"Of course I love you, Katara," he'd whisper with barely suppressed lust, back against her lips. "I've loved you since the moment I first saw you." And that was the truth. When he'd woken up after a hundred years in the iceberg, her face was the first thing he'd seen. He'd thought he'd died. Died and gone off somewhere better. A place where creatures as beautiful as she would hold him in their arms and love him the way he never thought he'd be loved. It's here though, isn't it? In their bed at night. Whispering random, sleepy, sappy shit - sorry - murmurings to each other. Have to watch the language.
He has this girl. This beautiful girl he didn't think could be real in his arms every night, and he keeps telling her no.
"One can only reach true enlightenment, if he lets go of what attaches him to this world. Do you understand what that means, Aang?" Monk Gyatso had asked over a hundred years ago.
"Yes, I understand. I have to detach myself from the world to find peace."
"But, do you understand what that entails?"
"What do you mean?"
"Love is the strongest weapon both for and against a man, Aang. It can tear good men, good monks, apart with desire and longing. This desire is yet another tether to the world Aang. You are the Avatar, so you are different. You have a duty to the world, but desire is still a dangerous enemy."
"How can love be an enemy?" Aang asked.
"Not love, Aang. What comes with it. Desire. What do men desire most?"
"Fruit pie?" Aang said, only half joking.
"Hahaha! Good one, Aang. That is indeed one thing men desire, yes, but the thing men desire most, is women."
"Oh," Aang said, turning red. He knew the conversation that was coming, wasn't ready for it, didn't want to talk about it.
"Aang, there will come a time when you too are a man, and you desire women as well, but you must remember: You are a monk. You are the Avatar."
"Yes, I know. No women for me. I know," he said, looking away. He wondered at the time what it would be like. To love a woman. He thought about it more and more. He felt that maybe he was depriving himself of something mysterious and wonderful, but he couldn't really imagine it at all. He had never felt anything like that before.
He sighed loudly before he said "I understand, Monk Gyatso. I am a Monk, and I am the Avatar. So, no women."
Gyatso chuckled "Easier said than done, young Avatar. Easier said than done."
Aang understands what he means now. Impossible, more like though, he thinks. The first time they kissed he decided it was ok. It's ok to kiss right? Just a gentle pressing of the lips, isn't it? Nothing more. Bullshit - sorry - utter crap - sorry - whatever, it isn't true. It's very not true. It's so not true, it's terrifying. That kiss. It made him want more. That's why it was so terrifying. He understood desire for the very first time. It ignited a fire in him that he hadn't ever felt before. It made him crave her in a way that was almost animal. He still craves her, more and more with each passing day, and it honestly couldn't be true, but it seems that she becomes more beautiful every time he sees her.
No. No, a kiss is not just a kiss. Not with Katara. With Katara, Aang sees the world, and the world is fucking - sorry - very beautiful. It's so very, fucking beautiful, and fuck decent language, sometimes it's not enough, is it?
Desire. It will be his undoing. He can't not want her. He can't pretend not to want her. He wants her. He wants her, now.
I am a monk. I am the Avatar. Desire is a bitch. Fuck decent language.
"I'm going to a meeting, Aang."
"Huh? Oh, alright," he says, disoriented at being yanked so forcefully from his thoughts. "I have a meeting later, too. I should probably get ready."
"Alright," she crosses the room, their room on the little island they've called "Air Temple Island," and kisses his bald head. "I'll see you later."
"Yeah."
Spirits, she's beautiful, he thinks as he watches her retreating back. How do you give this up? How do you resist this? Enlightenment. Is it worth it when you can have a beautiful woman in your arms instead? When you can love someone like this? Be as close as you can ever be to another person? So close, you're inside and you're all over and it must be so very, fucking beautiful.
Four months, and...
Zuko's pissed off. Well, at least more so than usual. Mai is off somewhere being a complete bitch, and he can't understand her problem sometimes. If she wants him, wants to be with him, then she's going to have to be willing to put up with his shit. And sure, he might be throwing a bit more shit in her face than usual, but honestly it isn't his fault. He's dealing with ruling a nation here, hell, he's dealing with practically ruling the whole fucking, broken world, and he has to fix it.
The Earth Kingdom is on thin ice, at best. After Azula's takeover, Ba Sing Se fell into disorder, the power constantly fluctuating between powerful lords, council members, and mob mentality. Sokka's in Ba Sing Se right now trying to get preparations for Zuko and Aang's little dream city underway. They're such pathetic dreamers, aren't they?
A city where all types of benders, all types of people, could live together in "harmony"? Bullshit, right? Aang is an optimist, he believes they can fix the world, and he's the Avatar, so maybe he can, but Zuko honestly doesn't know how one person can erase all the hate. Hate isn't fleeting like love. Hate lodges itself in deeper and poisons you and eats you alive and you die with it. You die with hate, and he shudders to think how many people died hating the Fire Nation, cursing Sozin's name, and Azulon's, and Ozai's and maybe even his own. It's a sobering thought, one that's been running through his head a lot lately. He supposes that maybe he's been taking his frustration out on Mai, but he doesn't have anyone else to confide in.
He hears a knock at the door and hopes to the spirits that it's Mai so he can apologize for yelling at her, but it isn't. It's Suki, head of his private guard. He hasn't been able to get a handle on his paranoia, so being that Suki and the Kyoshi warriors are the only guards he can trust not to betray him, he's signed them on as his personal guard indefinitely.
"Evening, Zuko," she says.
"Oh, hello Suki,"
She takes one long look at Zuko and one long look at his room "Fight with, Mai again?"
"Yeah. How'd you know?"
"I've known you for a while now, Zuko. It's not that difficult to figure out."
Zuko offers a thoughtful "Humph."
"Well, anyway, I came to make sure you're ok and everything, being head of your personal guard and all," she says with a slight smile and slight sarcasm.
"I'm fine," he says, halfheartedly. He gestures her in, realizing that the space Mai had occupied is now empty and is slowing sucking all the air out of the space, making it hard to breath and too painful to want to. He doesn't like to be alone, anymore. His thoughts fill the seconds and they're going to drive him insane. He's going to end up in a mental hospital like Azula, or at the very least, with grey hairs if he doesn't stop thinking about every little fault in the world.
Suki comes in and sits on the end of the bed. It's not an unusual sight. She comes around at least once a day to check on him, and he's grown not only used to, but fond of her presence, despite himself.
"I'm worried about Ty Lee," she says, changing the subject. She knows to change to subject, Mai never does that, Zuko thinks, Mai just keeps pushing and pushing.
"Why?" he asks, watching her. Grateful that she understands him, maybe even better than Mai.
"She's been very distracted lately, and…well I worry that I know why. Or, more accurately, with whom."
He smiles. Suki's the type of girl to actually say "whom" when needed. It's strangely endearing. "You thinks she likes someone?" he asks, picking up on her train of thought.
"Yes."
"Who? I wouldn't think she has time to flirt with boys. She works so hard."
"Maybe they're not a boy," Suki says, somewhat vaguely.
"What do you mean?" Suki just stares, waiting for him to get it "Oh," he says, too loudly "You think she's distracted with a girl?"
"Yeah."
"Um, Suki? I'm not sure that Ty Lee is…"
"Lesbian? Into girls? Well, she is."
"You're sure about that?"
"Yes," she smirks. She looks good when she smirks, even under the face paint. "You are so oblivious, Zuko."
"I am?" he asks more stupidly than he really means to, but Suki laughs and he likes that. He likes her laugh.
"Yes. Especially because she's hopelessly in love with your sister."
"What!?"
"Yeah. You never noticed that?" Zuko thought that over. He knows that Ty Lee's always been a bit infatuated with his sister. Too much in fact. Ty Lee was a beautiful girl and yet she claims that Azula is far more beautiful, that she couldn't compare. She has no self-esteem and Azula's the type to take advantage of low-self esteem, and Ty Lee is the type to be taken advantage of.
"Ok, I believe it."
"Mmm…" Suki gives him a look he finds disturbingly attractive. The look says "Good boy, I knew you had a brain."
"I'm worried about her. It's really not healthy. This obsession. It really is an obsession."
"I know. What should we do?"
"Well, I think Yuko's trying to handle it."
"Yuko? Why Yuko?" he asks. Suki gives him an encouraging look.
"Yuko likes Ty Lee."
"There you go!" she says, grinning at him "I knew you'd get it. Wow, you're really out of it aren't you?"
"Yeah…"
"What happened with you two?" she says, now continuing the conversation he doesn't want to have.
"I was a complete dick to her, as usual."
"You sort of have a right to be dickish. Sort of."
"I'm just…it's so hard. I knew it would be. I knew ruling a nation wouldn't be easy, but a war just tore the whole world to fucking pieces, and who has to put them all back together? Aang and I."
"True, that's a lot of pressure."
"Exactly!" he cries, feeling his heart speed up with the thrill of being understood. "There's so much to do. So much. I haven't slept, I don't have time to eat, if I'm honest I should be working right now! I'm just…I'm just...I'm sorry."
"Don't be," she says, putting a hand on his face, on his scar. "I get it."
"She doesn't."
"I know, but when has she had to deal with anything like this?"
"Never. She's a spoiled bitch."
"Don't say that. You love her, but in a way, it's true. She just doesn't get it, so don't be so mean to her, alright? She's stuck by you for years now."
"I know."
"Ok, good," she looks like she wants to say something else, but she doesn't.
"You've stuck by me, too," he says, quietly.
"Yes, I have, haven't I?"
He wants very, very badly to kiss her then. He understands Sokka to a startling extent for a few seconds. He understands how he loves this women. She's kind and strong and beautiful. She knows what to say. She isn't distant and cold like Mai, she's close and warm. For a second he's afraid that he loves her. He waits for that second to pass, but it doesn't. He's still afraid.
"I'm going to go spy on Yuko and Ty Lee," she says matter-of-factly, as if spying on her subordinates is common practice.
"Alright…let me know how they are."
"Ok," she says as she gets up. He wants to take her hand. He wants to say a million things to her, but he doesn't have any words to say them with. They're just feelings that he can't quite translate into words. He doesn't say anything.
"Talk to Mai?" she says before she's out the door. Zuko forgets who Mai is for a second.
"Oh…right. Ok, I will." She smiles over he shoulder and then she's gone and the empty space in the room is more suffocating than is was before.
"I'm addicted to you," she whispers, voice wavering on the verge of tears and climax.
"I'm addictive," comes the reply, strong, not wavering in the least.
"It isn't right, but- I'm afraid I can't stand on my own. I want to. I swear I do, but I can't and you're my crutch." She wants to stop talking, she really does. She's saying things that are meant to remain unsaid, but her body feels like breaking apart and it's taking her mind with it. She has to say these words before- but why? What happens when she tips over the edge? She's already fallen, hasn't she? What more does she have to lose? Why is it important? Why-
"So, I've been reduced to a mere crutch?"
"No! You're everything!" She gasps, tears leaking from her eyes. She tries to say more, but any words are swallowed by a loud groan. Oh, spirits...
"I know. As I should be. Now, stop talking."
For Ty Lee, Azula had always been, would always be, something to aspire to. At least to a certain extent. She has always admired her beauty, her confidence, and her intelligence. She's always looked upon her with a sense of unrepressed awe.
Azula had known this, of course. She had known it and she had exploited it, but Ty Lee didn't care. Ty Lee was always searching for a bit of Azula's approval. Just a small acknowledgment. A passing compliment. She hardly ever got it, but still she'd searched.
Even when Azula took advantage of her. Even when she hurt her, Ty Lee still admires the cool confidence and grace that Azula was lucky enough to be born with. Ty Lee knows it probably isn't very good for her aura.
She tells herself that she's happy now. She's a Kyoshi warrior, a member of a group of powerful and confident women, but, they're not Azula, a treacherous voice whispers in her head.
"Leave me alone!" she yells.
"What?" asks Yuko, the fellow Kyoshi Ty Lee is currently patrolling the Fire Nation palace with.
"I…um…nothing. It's nothing."
"Are you sure?" Yuko asks, concerned.
"Yeah. I'm fine."
"Alright," Yuko says, though she didn't sound sure and she keeps her eye on Ty Lee.
Ty Lee can feel her legs moving, makes all the necessary "patrolling" gestures, but her heart and mind are far away.
It was a lazy day at the palace. Zuko had betrayed his nation and was off with the Avatar. Mai had locked herself in her bedroom and refused to speak to anyone. Azula looked more tired than Ty Lee had ever seen her. She had followed her to her bedroom and knocked on the door.
"What is it?" Azula snapped.
"I, uh, just wanted to see how you were," Ty Lee said.
"I'm fine,"
"Are you sure? You look tired."
"Well, I suppose I wouldn't be so tired if ZuZu hadn't up and betrayed his country and now has to be stopped."
"Stopped?" Ty Lee asked, hoping stopped didn't mean "killed", but knowing Azula, it did.
"And I have to do it," she said. "Do you know how difficult it is? Planning an assault like this? It's not just my brother now. Now it's him and the Avatar and the Avatar's annoying friends." Azula sighed, pressing her fingers into her eyes. Even worn down and stressed out like this, Azula is still so beautiful, Ty Lee thought to herself.
"I'm so sorry, Azula. Is there anything I can do? Anything? I'll do it!" Ty Lee was eager to please her.
"A foot rub would be nice" she replied "You'd think my servants could give a decent foot rub but…" she scoffed and shook her head, then stretched out on the bed.
"No problem, Azula."
Ty Lee was happy to bring Azula just a bit of relaxation at a time like this. She felt a pang of hatred for Zuko for putting her through all of this.
"Is this ok, Azula?"
"Hmm? Oh, yes. Continue," she said, obviously enjoying her massage.
"You're so beautiful, Azula," Ty Lee whispered under her breath.
"I kno - " Azula cut herself off "Thank you."
Ty Lee's eyes widened. Had she really said that out loud? More importantly, did Azula just say thank you? To her!? "Oh, I, uh, didn't realize- I thought that was only in my head," Ty Lee stuttered.
"Oh that's alright," Azula said, somewhat arrogantly. "It's the truth after all, why not say it?"
"Yeah…" Ty Lee said, but she was hiding the pink blush creeping up her neck.
"You know, Ty Lee, you're rather pretty yourself. In a more common sort of way."
"You think so?" she breathed. She wanted to bottle this moment. To keep it near her heart forever because not once had Azula said she was pretty and probably wouldn't again, but still her heart swelled and he aura must've been positively blinding in its pinkness.
"Well, yes."
Ty Lee was beaming. She knew the way that guys reacted to her, she knew that she was pretty, but still, this was Azula.
"Oh, thank you, Azula!"
Azula leaned forward and brushed her fingers through her hair. Ty Lee wished she had nerves in her hair so she could feel the touch of her fingers as they brushed through the soft brown strands. Ty Lee didn't move, didn't breath and Azula leaned forward.
"Yes, you're pretty, Ty Lee," she whispered against her lips. She was so close. Ty Lee trembled. She hated that she trembled, but she was scared. She didn't know what to do or think. She couldn't think. Just a little further and-
Azula has very soft lips. Lips that Ty Lee had sometimes, and still, dreamed of kissing, but she'd never tell Azula that. Now though…Now Azula was kissing her. What to do, what to think, what to say?
"I love you, Azula," she said, pulling back a little, not really wanting to leave her lips, but needing to say the words.
"I know," replied Azula, leaning forward to kiss her again.
"Ty Lee? Ty Lee?!"
"Huh?" Ty Lee snaps suddenly out of the memory.
"Wow, you were completely out of it," Yuko comments.
"I'm sorry, Yuko. I've got a lot on my mind. I'm totally gonna break out if I keep stressing like this."
"Do you want to talk about it?" Yuko asks. Ty Lee almost can't hold back the torrent of feeling. Almost wants to tell Yuko everything that's inside of her. Yuko with her calm, mature manner and pretty green eyes, and long black hair, and full lips, and -
Why is she thinking that?
"I, uh, was just thinking about some things."
"I can imagine." It takes Ty Lee a little while to get the joke.
"Oh!" she says, loudly "Right. Because of course I have to be thinking some things. I get it." Yuko smiles a genuine smile at her. Azula doesn't smile like that, Ty Lee thinks. Azula's smiles were always cruel no matter what she was smiling at, even at her in the early morning. Even when Ty Lee felt Azula's soft skin against her when they woke up naked in the morning, silk sheets separating them from the rest of the world. Even when Azula was whispering her name, and her hands were in her hair and -
Stop it. Stop it, Ty Lee.
"I'm ok, Yuko. Really. Just a bit distracted, but hey, when am I not?"
"That's true," Yuko says, kindly. "But, listen, if there's anything you ever need, anything you ever want to talk about, you can talk to me, ok? I'm here for you."
Tears well up in Ty Lee's eyes. They sting with Yuko's kindness. The kindness she doesn't deserve, because her bubbly facade is just that. Because Ty Lee is messed up and wrong, and wrong, and wrong. Because love shouldn't hurt, but she couldn't help but want it, even when it hurt.
"Thank you, Yuko. Thank you so much. Really though, I'm fine."
Hey Lovely people!
Thanks for reading and please review! I really want to know what you guys think, and I love reviews! The good the bad and the fucking-sorry- very ugly. Next chapter? Umm...expect sex, and umm...drama. More drama in general. Lots of drama. Hearts get broken, backs get stabbed, the whole nine yards, so keep on reading! Once again, thanks all you readers, I love you soooooo much!
Later.
Update:
I decided it would be a good idea to give y'all a release date for new chapters, you know, so I have to stick to a deadline and such. It'll help me get my chapters out faster. So expect chapter 2 on Friday, May 10, 2013 sometime! :)