To realize how much I have changed over the last five years is remarkable. Shockingly enough I was one the lucky few to break out of the wintergirl spell. No longer do I own a scale. After moving into my own apartment two years ago, I never got around to actually buying one- and I'm okay with that. Since I can look down and still see my feet, although there is now a bit of extra health and love that hugs around my stomach, it means that I'm thin enough. No more skinny/boney/skeleton Lia to worry Mom or Dad or Jennifer. No more troubled/cutting/angry Lia to scare away Emma or Elijah. Not even the competitive/perfectionist/overwhelmed Lia to challenge Cassie. These days I am happy/experienced/adult Lia, the only Lia I ever want to be.
Despite being labeled as a recovered anorexic by the doctors, it never completely goes away. Often times I find myself distracted and almost entranced by the evil voices, but I chose to ignore it now. I ignore the numbers, the calories, the waistlines, the media, and…her voice. I take a regular sized bite of chocolate cake for a regular sized person. Savoring the heavenly taste as it melts inside my mouth. So what if it totals up to be over 300 calories? So what if it's my second piece this week? So what if my inner demons start screaming? So what if this girl is choosing a piece of cake over the work that needs to be done? So what if I haven't seen Emma in over a year? So what if the Jennifer still thinks I'm sick and refuses to let me visit, even though I'm perfectly fine proved by eating this desert?
"So what if you feel alone?" A far too familiar voice sings from the distance.
Picking up my plate and rinsing it off in the sink, I chant the magic words that Dr. Parker promised would help me regain myself. "I am not actually hearing you Cassie. My childhood best friend, Cassandra Jane Parrish died almost six years ago. Whenever I start hearing or seeing Cassie it's because I am feeling sad, anxious, or hurt. And I'm feeling these feelings because I just ate a fear food, but I am safe and I can conquer through this."
"Of course you will, Lia-Lia. You've always been so strong and independent. Except where are all of your friends or even your family? You're so strong so independent, and so alone."
"I don't know what you're talking about Cassie! I have plenty of friends!" I argued back defensively.
"Oh I'm sorry I forgot all about the humongous circle of popularity you've got going on at Daddy's school. After going there for over a year you've said maybe what, three words? You know there is no shame in using Daddy's credit to get free schooling." The stuck up voice giggled mockingly.
"Well at least my parents listened, and cared, and loved me regardless!"
"I know that my parents loved me, Lia. It were my own choices and actions that ended up hurting me most, remember you spent an entire brainwashing therapy session on this. Although if you want to play the blame game…" She whispers the three words that haunt me each morning, "you didn't pick up."
"Well you didn't pick up first! What about the second time I got out of New Seasons? I called you every single day for weeks, and you never answered right away either! Or is remembering all your faults too much, typical Cassie, huh?"
"Do we need to point out the obvious, Lia? You lived through it; I'm the one who died. What ever happened to the guy from the motel? He was kind of cute, and he could see ghosts too right? If you were to find him again and got married, I could still be you're maid of honor."
"Cassie, just leave! Go die or whatever you do." She had brought up too many painful memories. Although I swear I heard her giggle before whispering,
"I'm only doing this because I love and am worried about you."
And just like that the smell of ginger, and cloves, and burnt sugar vanishes. "Just for the record, Elijah left because the two of us were too crazy for his tastes!" But it's too late they're no more ghosts under beds, or in closets, or corners- she had already won the argument.
I know what I should've done; I should've called my sponsor, or booked an emergency shrink appointment, or taken another long purple pill to lower my anxiety. Instead I grabbed my shoes and went outside for a run. While I run I think how the magical see glass born inside from a volcano had failed me. Each future that it had shown me that night was nothing like reality. I didn't happen to see a future of a 23 year old Lia continuously struggling against herself. Fighting food and each bite that it brings, battling Cassie and the hallucinations that carry along. On the rare occasions that my mother did visit, she would announce that 'Lia's such a very good girl and is so much better.' Even though she lives a life of solitude, and her only friend happens to be a ghost, Lia is fine because she's eating. Everyone watch how great Lia is because she's eating, LIA'S EATING! It takes me until Duke Street for me to realize that I'm sobbing uncontrollably.
For a minute I can see it, as if all the stars were lined up just right. I see a vision of myself years into the future; with my old emancipated body and fluttering wings, trapped under a thick sheet of ice. I wipe the tears from my eyes, it's my choice after all and I could go back to that life if I wanted. Instead I chose to head back to my apartment, my home. This time I walk home- not run, and I even find myself quietly humming. I've decided to change my degree from business into human resourcing, and I promise that I'll start up a conversation with the first person I see in my class, and I'll make friends.
Now I am going to become a counselor, and help all the sick boys and girls who are absent mindedly lost in the blizzard. I swear that I refuse to mark anyone as crazy if they ever confess to me that they see ghosts too. I won't have them memorize any song or chant to make the spirits go away. Recently I have my hope back, and I don't need any Cassie or magic see glass to tell me that my future is going to be ok.