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Last words he said (excerpts)
Missed me?
Welcome back, Hell. Have you missed me? Obviously....for you return so often,
with lessons to teach. Do not smirk or you'll get hurt; do not smile,
for misery will surely find you. Happiness must be a sin, for you cannot have
it in this darkness as long as you desire to avoid tears. And I fear that my
tears have become so common that soon no one will recognize me, if no tears
are shown. For now, I think I have completely fallen apart; there is nothing
left from the smiles and laughter I once had. People keep looking at me askance
and asking „What is wrong with you?" I know I must be stronger and
not reveal these fears I try to keep locked away deep inside. I feel I should
spare my friends from having to see the true me. I have seen how people turn
away when they learn of my sorrow. I have heard how people whisper behind my
back, when they have torn away my mask. My mask is the smile, the sarcasm I
hide behind, the way to hide my vulnerable inner self from this evil world.
Perhaps I am making it more evil....but how can I fight against my nature; against
myself?
At times I slip, and let someone into my life, let someone learn to know me. Why? Why am I so weak, removing my mask at these times? I should not do this to myself. I should stop trying to breathe, and just concentrate on being this 'person' they expect me to be—nothing more, nothing less. Then...at least I am not alone. The 'real me' is boring, the 'real me' is weak and vulnerable, the 'real me' is too sorrowful for this world. Once I thought I had found someone who would help me through my life, help me with these mistakes, but the bond between us was broken as well. It may be my vivid imagination, but among the images of death I have, I have begun to see myself alone in the moor lands, like I was once before in far away lands. This feeling, this image will not release me anymore. I have seen this scene before, but now, now when I am a part of it, it keeps returning to me....and I still feel the breeze, still hear the echoes of the past.
Many times I have asked myself why I am different from the others in the 'normal' world, why I have these 'visions', why I have these dreams. Why do my points of view differ from the majority? Why am I always so sad, and stay hidden here, alone in the dark. Why is my heart always crying? It is so very hard to be alone, against the world, and there is hardly anyone who understands how it feels. It is exhausting me, weakening me. I am so tired, so very tired....
This past night did not differ from any other...once again I saw nightmares; I awoke in fear, my heart pounding, covered with cold tears. I cannot make these evil dreams stop, but like so many things now, it no longer matters. I leave the lights on, for I cannot sleep otherwise. Though my mind knows nothing is there, my eyes still envision things, like a stream of smoke assuming substance... I know it is ridiculous, that this takes place only in my imagination, but still...my eyes kept seeing these visions. I closed my eyes and forced my mind away from them, but I could not resist facing these horrors. But I was not ready, not yet....so I switched on the lights again. Like most other nights, I awoke many times throughout the dark hours. Morning I greeted with a reluctant sigh, but I still wish the morning light to stay, as I have become too fearful of the moments when I would fall asleep. I must exhaust myself and collapse on the bed, to fall asleep immediately...in order to rest even a bit. When I am this tired I have not the strength to scream and awaken from the dreams, but only in this way am I able to rest.
And now, I have only one question left....my Angel, oh my ANGEL...when I close my eyes forever, will you return to me then? Will you come to kneel here beside me, to hold me one last time when my journey ends? Or is this merely the temptation of fate, a vain hope sent to torment me...
Oh, should I know the day I was to die, would perhaps that knowledge help me sleep? No, I fear I would then die before....for I would know.
Ever dream
As the days pass, I sometimes wonder why I am still here. I am lying on the ground, my pale cheek against the cold marble. I am still alive, despite the darkness that fills my heart. I wonder...will they say they love me, when I am gone? Does anyone notice, when I am away? This bitterness tortures my soul...do I deserve this? It cannot be that I was born here only to suffer darkness.... For God's sake, it is the day of friendship, and I am weeping like a child. No, not because I do not have friends....but because despite this I still desire to die!
I wonder...has anyone ever shed a tear for me, said a prayer for me? Perhaps this is a selfish wish, but...I have lost all hope. Why is there a god, if one canot hear my voice? Has God forgotten me as well? This Masquerade is getting old; soon it shall be over...and I wish it to end. Je n'ai pas peur de mourir - c'est ce que je cherche ; mais j'ai peur de voir les autres mourir avant moi. I am afraid to dream again, to see my memories again. I hope that someone, somewhere, will extend to me a hand before I fall too deeply. I need this hope... I need to feel secure, yet all I have is the bitterness caused from pain.
Have you ever dreamt of me? Have you ever tried to reach into my world, and wonder why in the shadows I hide? I live forever in a dream, an eternal dream has arrived for me. The world has turned its back on me. For years now I have sought my death....do I have now the courage? Do I finally dare to take all the strength I have gathered, for this final step? Sometimes I wish for „angel" to die...to die for my sake—to save me from my suffereing. I have tried so hard...so hard have I tried. But why can you not see—I am bleeding again. I have become so weak...please, please do not help me...do not help me any more. I need to find my courage...I have tried for two years now to overcome this fear....but still I have it. I am close to crossing it in my moments of despair; but always there is something or someone to help me....to save me. Do not...let me die...please give me courage and let me die. All the attempts to help me weaken me, make me more fearful. But...I do not want to be afraid....
How come voice silent went?
Where did disappear the sound;
so golden heaven sent...
Why did you see darkness in me
Although hope I gave and
dropped a little dream.
I still wait for you
Doesn't matter what they say-
I am your friend in true.
Dark is my mind,
But you helped me to rest,
some peace to find.
I sing songs for you-
do you heard me?
I barely stay in tune.
My voice weakened by the tears.
I wish to be there for you,
not here with fears...
I reach my hand,
think of you
on the foreign land.
Apart we are still-
against our wishes,
against our will.
We are the alike-the same,
you said to me
I still believe it- today.
When you walk in dark,
remember there's a Ghost
who keeps you warm in his heart.
Marble
Exhaustion from life it gives. Sleepless nights, painful dawns. No desire for the dreams, nor for the mornings. Close to my heart I hold the voices of the stones. So sad, so distant they are. The walls around me are closing in, slowly becoming my tomb. I spread my hands to hear this moment better— to hear the breeze dancing around me, caressing my hair, singing songs in my lair.
What is my past I do not dare to ask, and less I dare to ask what is in my future. I pour my tears in the midnight lake; I pour my fears along with my blood of the ground of saturating cold.
I close my eyes, to touch you...and on air this hope fades. All alone I am again. It hurts me so, to move I cannot. Ice appears in my veins, and freezes me so...
The blue of my eyes fades into the black, and I fall.... I fall to my knees...my hand touches the ground, letting the flower—the dark-red rose you gave, fall with me. Then, my shoulder, my cheek. I lie upon the marble, dreaming of you. You...and I...I...and you...as long as I may breathe, as long as I am still able to see. Then darkness, dark as my eyes are dark falls before me....
The statue of an angel...golden it must be as is the first moment of the day, though I shall see dawn no longer. Blood of my veins colour the rose beside me. I was broken when the dawn ended, and hurt, from the fall. Then snow covered the land, and to Death I offered my pale hand....
In truth, from the very start, lament was my anthem, and lullaby my song. For the greatest melodies I surrendered, and the dreams I followed. But this road, this cleverness ended, and I became lost. Clouds covered the sky, the golden sun hid her face, even the moon, my companion of many journeys, went to hide.
I tried so hard to find the bridge to joy, but you...it was YOU that I needed,
you that I was missing....and so I fell. Here I remain, lying on the cold marble,
writing your name with my warm blood...„Love forever" written after.
I must close my eyes now, for I can keep them open no longer. When they find
me, if they find me, they will find too this declaration of love, written from
my soul, written with my own blood...beside your last rose.