The Discoveries of Maka Albarn
Asa: Hello, and welcome to Asa and Katsumi plays; The Comparison.
Katsumi: My name is Katsuuuumi Kobayashi! And welcome to, Saturdays (almost Sundays) with Katsumi and Asa!
Asa: Alright, enough with the quotes almost no one (Ginger) will understand. I know I should be updating Velvet Treasons, Soul Plague, AND Sibilants MIA but—
Katsumi: DO I LOOK LIKE I GIVE A FUCK ABOUT BUTTS? JUST UPDATE THE GODDAMN STORY ALREADY.
Asa: (T,T) Watch the language! But alright, alright I will… Right after this!
One night, Maka Albarn invited her best friends Tsubaki, Liz, and Patty to have a sleepover. In doing so, she also kicked her boyfriend, Soul, out of the house.
To everyone's surprise and utter delight, she pulled a few 'bottles' out of the closet to share.
She set the three bottles of rum, two bottles of Scotch, one bottle of Irish whiskey. Meanwhile, she chugs down the rest of a bottle of vodka (Russia: Nooo!) and it turns out that her and all her friends end up very, very drunk.
"So, like, have you, ya know, done it with," Tsubaki hiccups, "Soul?"
"Yeah, that happened like, after Asura died. Soooo long ago." Maka slurs. "Also with," she burps, "Kid, Blackstar, Chrona, Stein, and Excalibur."
"Guuuuurl, I didn't know you were a playa!" giggles Liz.
"I agree with my big sis!" Betcha can't guess who that was. Huh, you're right, Tsubaki! No, no, it was Patty. TROLL.
"Hey, what was Blackstar like?" Tsubaki asks, holding up her bottle of whiskey.
"Hmm," Maka thinks for a moment, stroking an imaginary mustache. "Let's say he's not kidding when he says, Godly. And he wears those baggy pants for a reason. He's a little short, but he can make up for it when he wears that man-kini." Maka states, licking her lips.
"Whadda 'bout Soul?!" Patty asks.
"Let's put it nicely; Soul. Has. A. TINY. Dick. I tried to get him to stop wearing tighty-whities, but he just wouldn't listen. So that's why every night I meet Kid in the library closet." Maka slurs, stealing Tsubaki's Scotch and taking a swig.
"So, how were those 'meetings' every night?" Liz asks.
"Meh, once I got him to shaddup about how cruel life is to him, he was pretty good. He has smexy abs, which you wouldn't guess, cause of the jacket, and his pale skin is like the smoothest silk you can find in the world. He also smells faintly of Shea butter." Maka finishes.
Somewhere in DWMA Library, Kid's Shinigami senses tingle, and he mutters, "That's because I moisturize."
Back at the sleepover, Patty asks, "And his dick?"
"Ha, now, THAT's a funny story." Maka grins. "It's really the perfect size, why he wants it bigger I can't fathom. Oh, wait, yes I can."
"What is it? What is it?" The girls chant eagerly.
"It's seven inches long." Maka says.
Back at the library, Kid's senses tingle again. "WHY CAN'T IT BE EIGHT?! MAKE. IT. EIGHT!"
"So now, he takes steroids in hope that the meager inch will be made up. Of course, it doesn't work. His Shinigami immune system repels all outside forces.
"OOH." The girls say in unison, and then begin to clap.
At Blackstar's apartment, Soul and Blackstar are debating the merits of Maka.
"I think her ass is better." Blackstar says. All the boys are completely sober.
"No way, her legs are totally cool." Souls says from the couch.
Back at Maka's place.
"One more thing before we all pass out," Patty mutters.
"Whaaa?" Maka says.
"How was Excalibur?"
"Best one ever. And we've been married for three years."
TROLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!
Katsumi: I cannot believe we're that perverted.
Asa: We certainly are!
Katsumi: Hey, shouldn't you be defending us?
Asa: What's to defend?
Katsumi: Um, our pride? Our dignity?
Asa: Oh, I've heard about those mythical creatures! Silly Kat, they don't exist! Just like reindeer!
Katsumi: Um, first of all, reindeer exist; it's in the same family as a moose. And second—
Asa: Sure, sure. Of COURSE reindeer exist Kat. *pats her on head*
Katsumi: and SECOND, I didn't make myself perverted. YOU taught me!
Asa: I was born this way hey, I was born this way hey, I'm on the right track baby, I was born this way hey!
Katsumi: Okay, just STOP with the Lady Gaga quotes, it's time to end the story. Until next time, KATSUMI…
Asa: AND ASA…
Both: OUT!